The Universal Cynic

...because I'm back. Let's not make a big deal out of it.



What can I tell you? Well, in the last three months, I a) have morphed approximately 75% of the way into a Blackhawks fan*; b) would give anything to be back in La Jolla right now (go Spunt!) and c) finagled Team Scott Norwood into covering the 2009 Entry Draft in Montreal for Kukla's Korner, where we got to see Boo Boo sporting a Family Guy t-shirt at Newtown.

(If that doesn't top your high comedy list, check this no-I'm-not-kidding seating arrangement at the prospects luncheon: Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski, my partner Patrick Williams, The Globe and Mail's Eric Duhatschek, Boo Boo and myself. Oh yeah, it was epic...and really comfortable. On the plus side, there was a poutine station at the lunch buffet. I think someone caught Pat Hickey drinking out of the gravy boat, but don't quote me on that.)

All right, that was then and this is now. I don't want this to head into Bill Simmons-esque territory, so I'm going to cover the two topics that matter. You want to hit on anything else, you know where the commentary goes. Let's get to it.

Dany "Notice Me, Give Me Attention -- I Don't Get Enough At Home" Heatley: I know you've all been e-mailing with your thoughts on the matter, and were curious as to mine -- which I haven't shared until now. Here's the thing: I already went through this once this year with the Denver Broncos. Remember when Jay Cutler tripped out and demanded a trade due to new babyface head coach Josh McDaniels (and the rumours that the QB was expendable)? Remember how it turned out? This is my freaking quarterback now:



In short, I'm trying to tell you that I already have an idea of how badly these things can end. That may not really come as a shock to you, but this might...

...I don't really give a damn how this particular tale ends.

Here's the thing: I haven't felt an affinity for Heatley in any way, shape or form since late December, 2006. What was so special about that time? That's when Jason Spezza went down with a knee injury and was out for 14 games, from just before Christmas, until the end of January. Heatley was forced to move ahead without his partner, and showed that he was capable of functioning as more of a complete player. He -- for whatever reason -- was willing to work at both ends of the ice, and it made me realize that he could be contributing so much more. So what happened when Jason Spezza returned to the team? No. 15 slipped back into his old ways, and I was left thoroughly disappointed, but not completely surprised.

Everyone talks about numbers, particularly about Heatley's capability to score 50 goals in a season, but they don't discuss the type of goals that they are. Are they clutch goals? Are they go-ahead goals with five minutes left in the third? Every once in a while, but the majority of the "sniper's" goals are garbage shots from down low, or right beside the net. There's a reason why this guy is dubbed a floater. He pads the total -- good on paper, but he's not an elite player. He's not a Crosby, and he's not an Ovechkin. Truth hurts, kids.

At this point, I would be heartily content if Bryan Murray flipped him for a handful of high draft picks and called it a day (even if I did want to see the GM tackle Ladislav Smid's name at least once). All of this "disappointment" from the front office and owner, combined with butterknife-edged response from the local media is so tired. Get rid of the cancer. Yesterday.

But you might want to have another round of chemotherapy on standby, because straight from the 514....here comes...Alex Kovalev!

(Whaa?)

Various deities bless the self-indulgent social media application that is Twitter. Watching the Kovalev news break was like a car crash that Sens fans couldn't turn away from. Right now, there are so many unanswered questions. Will he show up for road games? Will he and Jason Spezza fight over hair product? Will there be enough alcohol in Kanata to sustain his defensive foibles for two entire seasons? Welcome to Turnover Country, Ottawa! It'll be the mad hotness.

(Oh, and can someone be a dear and get me the season ticket sales for 2009-10? I've got it at 9,000 [taking the under] and I'd like to add a parlay of Spezza and Kovalev hitting 125 giveaways by January. Thanks, dollface.)

I know it's not enough after so long, but it will have to do for now. It's good to be back (reprise), and in the meantime, your punk asses can follow me over here.

More later.

____________

* Don't be coming at me with any "postseason bandwagon" nonsense. This has been several years in the making -- I wrote about it in the old column, for God's sakes. For the record, bank says I'm the only one in the city with a Patrick Sharp t-shirt.

...because it's St. Urho's Day. I suggest you go take it out on a grasshopper.

I twittered about it on Friday, but in case you missed it -- the NHL announced late last week that the 2009 NHL Awards will be held in Las Vegas -- the first of a three-year stint that will take place at the Palms Casino. Apparently the league assumed that screaming, "Hey! We're still culturally relevant!" would have seemed too desperate (bonus points if done outside of ESPN's headquarters).

I'm kind of interested to see how the media handles this prurient overload of sorts. Vegas for the awards show on the 18th of June, followed by the Entry Draft in Montreal beginning only eight days later on the 26th? Hmmm...any early guesses on which journalist attempts to slide in a visit to the Spearmint Rhino/Club Super Sexe on their expense account? ("No, really -- it was a business lunch!")

Long story short: You can replace a 54-40 appearance with watching Sidney Crosby attempt a showgirl-esque strut -- it's still going to suck.

***

And I'll just put this out there now, seeing as I've already received a few e-mails: No, I haven't even considered starting a bracket yet. I usually end up doing around 4 or 5 -- I'm planning at least one "Sports Gal/stupid chick" special, where I select winners solely based on dominant animals and colour preferences (bank says this ends up being the most successful sheet). FYI: Seeing as I'm not an American, my preferred schools come from connections to alumni or faculty. These include Arizona State, Cornell, Duke, and UCLA. Yes, I understand what my odds are like in that grouping, but the Blue Devils remain as my least favourite of the four (somewhere, Dick Vitale just had a seizure). On the plus side, it does give me an excuse to reset a classic Pete Gillen clip. BEAVAH! Ahem. Sorry.

More later.

Yep, it's looking that way. Despite having their playoff hopes all but dashed, it stands to reason that the Senators will remove the "interim" tag from Cory Clouston's job title next season. This boy wonder (who's actually 39 but appears to have serious embryonic tendencies) has likely done enough in the organization's eyes to warrant a legitimate shot at a full season.

When Clouston was hired, I expressed my unhappiness to friends about the timing of the move. Basically I pictured it playing out like this: There were enough games left in the season for the Sens to show some life, and therefore encourage the front office to keep Clouston on. However, there was nothing preventing the team from tanking again after the summer break, and I wasn't convinced that Clouston had a worthy bag of tricks to pull a team out of the slump (it's a different story when you're attempting to accomplish it, and you're no longer the "fresh face"). Then what happens? Are you forced to pull the trigger yet again, ending up with another former employee on tab? Hell, I was already making Raiders jokes before the last firing.

Like so many other facets of their franchise, the Sens don't have a lot of options in this area. There's no cap on coaching, but to fork out big cash for a name only to potentially end up with the same result is a moot point. In short, don't expect to see Pat Quinn's Party Bus (credit SLC) roll up to SBP any time soon. It'll continue to be discussed -- mostly because we have nothing else to talk about -- but bank says it's a done deal.

On the plus side, if it doesn't work out, they can donate Clouston to stem cell research and keep Alfie going for an additional 3-5 years.

See you Monday-ish. More later.

It wouldn't be the Ottawa media if they didn't have someone to bag on, right? Apparently this is considered a topic because the Sens are still in the running for the playoffs from a mathematical standpoint. Sigh. Someone do me a favour and bump up tonight's game by a couple of hours.

You can't tell me that "Jackie" Lou LamoriellO* isn't prone to a bit of a smirk when he sees other teams attempt to pull off a late-season coaching change. Does anyone really think having Bob Gainey behind the bench will make a difference for the Habs?

________________

*If you're new, TUC has insisted in the past that Lamoriello's wideset eyes give off a vibe of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. All he needed was the bouffant 1960's hair and a triple strand of pearls, right? Well, go check today's "Relevant Photo of the Moment" for one hot mess of a mash-up. Warning: You may want to put down your breakfast first.

(Ed. Note: In case you missed it...see below.)

The rankings are out from Bizjournals on 122 sports franchises from the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL -- the Ottawa Senators placed 68th on the list this year. Here's a quick and dirty breakdown of the formula used to determine the rankings:

Half of a team’s score was determined by its level of success on the field, court or ice. Bizjournals’ formula considered each franchise’s win-loss record, average margin of victory (or defeat), and playoff results.

The other half was determined by a team’s relative success in business. The formula analyzed average home attendance, the percentage of available seats sold for home games, and the increase (or decline) in a franchise’s value from 2007 to 2008. The latter was based on annual estimates published by Forbes magazine.

Here's the Sens' writeup:

68. Ottawa Senators (NHL)

Score: 49.46 points (out of 100)
Rank in sport: 18 (of 30 NHL teams)
On-ice performance: 31-39-9 record, average margin of minus-0.44 goals per game
Business performance: 19,465 attendance per home game, 100.0% of capacity, gain of 12% in franchise value

Keep in mind -- these numbers are for last season. Can't wait to see next year's ranking.

Other notables include Montreal (No. 4), Chicago (No. 24), Calgary (No. 27), Vancouver (No. 53), Edmonton (No. 61), Toronto (No. 64), Columbus (No. 114), Atlanta (No. 119) and the New York Islanders (No. 121 -- only the Detroit Lions were worse).

From Garrioch at OTP:

Wilson claims to not care about the media and then says he thinks the media in Ottawa is looking for mock Gerber.

Fans would be intrigued to see how Gerber does. It's no wonder attendance is slipping in the NHL. Guys like this genius behind the Toronto bench don't get it. They don't get it all. When there are empty seats in buildings around the league a genius like Wilson might understand selling the game. It's the story everybody wants to see.

Mock? I don't know how effective they'd be at it, but bank says some barbs would be thrown. As for Gerber being the selling point behind a Battle of Ontario match-up -- good God. Isn't the tradition and majesty of hatred enough?

Hmm...I guess not. Capital Tickets is reporting "fewer than 2,500 tickets remaining" for tonight's game. Rock that walk-up crowd, Ottawa!

Bunch of freaking ruiners. From Sportsnet:

Martin Gerber will not face his old team tonight, as Ron Wilson announced that Curtis Joseph will start in goal tonight against the Ottawa Senators at Scotiabank Place.

Wilson said that he set his goaltender rotation last week and Gerber is slated to play tomorrow against the New York Islanders. Joseph was in goal at Scotiabank Place nine days ago, when the Leafs defeated the Sens 4-3 in OT.

In other news, Jason Smith's buggered knee will keep him out of the lineup for 10-14 days -- hence the call-up of the Babyface. Sigh. Bad times.

He's not on The Team yet, but here's hoping. The Driver, during Saturday's game vs. the Sabres:

(CBC showing replay of Buffalo goal; Galley commenting on Elliott's error)

The Driver: "Brian Elliott? That's not his name!"

TUC: (confused) "Uh, yeah it is."

The Driver: "I thought his name was Billy Elliott?"

TUC: "No, that's a movie about an Irish kid who wants to become a ballet dancer."

The Driver: "Hmmph. I'd sooner have him in net right now."

Yeah, so you'll notice a few changes around the joint. I finally gave in to the new Blogger (which drove me mad for most of the weekend), due to my inability to change anything on the old site. In short, if you had previously asked me to give you some link love and I didn't, that was the reason why. You'll see that you're now able to view the Twitter updates right from here -- I did this after hearing that many of you were into it, but didn't want to bother with accounts and other pages...so there you go. Expect it -- like the blog -- to delve into non-sports topics. I don't know how busy I'll be on it for the meantime, but I imagine it'll be fairly handy when the draft rolls around. As for that blue box in the top right-hand corner: It's supposed to be "about me", but after three years, I think you have it down (Bad Religion, general punk rock, hockey, So Cal, media mockery -- lather, rinse, repeat). I'll be using it for weird little blurbs that don't really fit anywhere else for the meantime. More changes may be coming, depending on my mood. Consider yourselves warned.

Love it? Hate it? Feel like telling me to eff off because you're bitter about dealing with Daylight Saving Time, and need someone to take it out on? Have at it in the comments, or as always, drop an e-mail.

More later.

P.S.: SLC sees the template's name, then takes the ball and runs with it in 3...2...

Not to be vulgar, but I'm pretty sure Shean Donovan took an aisle's worth of feminine paper up his nose tonight. Oh, and Sportsnet, you can ease up with the "Watch It Clot" Cam at any time. Thank God that wasn't in HD.

Is Pascal Leclaire a delicate hothouse orchid? From Don Brennan:

"You guys have to be fair to him," Murray said when asked if he believes Leclaire can withstand the intense heat that will be on him as the No. 1 goalie in this hockey market. "Who puts the pressure on him? People care, people want to see us win. Pascal will come in here and there will be some pressure on him.

"But I talked to people that I know in the business and that have been around him. They all think that he is a No. 1 guy. We hope the mental part of the game goes along with it."

Yeah, because we're all familiar with the brutal scrutiny of the Ottawa media -- they'll really mess with your mind. That being said, remember what happened to the Manatee when he was subjected to the journalistic equivalent of a Bic lighter at 50 paces? Now we have to "hope" that the new guy doesn't have head issues as well. Stellar.

From TSN.ca:

The AHL has suspended the Norfolk Admirals' forward 20 games for deliberately striking an official with his stick.

Late in the third period of the Admirals' game against the Hershey Bears on February 28, Downie slashed linesman Mike Hamilton before a face-off. Downie was given a game misconduct at the time, and the AHL announced Thursday he was being suspended.

Now let's all sit back and wait for the Don Cherry-esque explanation: "Sean Avery is a borderline psychotic who needed anger management and behavioural therapy! Steve Downie is just a troubled youth! Stevie won TWO gold medals with Team Canada at the WJC's, and that makes him infallible in this country! Just give the proper haircut and make sure he's in bed by 10 p.m. every night -- that'll set him right!"

Hmmm...that's probably a tad verbose for the old boy, but you get the idea.

If you're looking for me today, I'm over here.

Alrighty then -- Ryan Miller after a coat of whitewash probably looks better than I do at the present. I'm battling a fever that's either going to cook me or kill me (I know -- from a hygienic standpoint, it's preferable if the latter comes before the former). I actually had to dispatch The Driver to the Land of Staalapalooza on a solo jaunt, because I'm too buggered to travel.

Anyway, the idea of handling the trade deadline in 140-character chunks while in my present condition seemed like a good one, so I'll be using Twitter Mobile from the comfort of my bed for tomorrow. I have no idea what to make of this, and frankly it all seems a bit self-serving, but at this point I couldn't give an arse.

You can keep tabs on the madness through various ways: If you have a Twitter account, you can become a follower by searching my name or "universalcynic" -- this way you'll get the updates as they happen. If you don't feel like creating an account, you can just come to the site as you see fit -- you'll find it right here.

Jai ho, emeffers....see you tomorrow.

Ray Ferraro on the Montreal-Philly broadcast tonight:

"The breakout pass during a powerplay is easily the most underrated portion of the sequence..."

Yeah, and that's why the league treats puck-moving defencemen as if they're coated in platinum as well.

(Ed. Note: That title's umlaut-y goodness pleases me to no end.)

Two tickets for the game vs. San Jose (Section 102): $286

Valet parking: $30

Expressing monumental relief after realizing that minus concessions and tips, I didn't pay a cent to watch that game: Priceless.

Two rounds of Trooper, Stu being forced to explain the Kiss Cam to fans and a crowd of 17,000 and change who truly behaved as if they couldn't give a damn. Stay out of the building, kids. It's a bad scene.

P.S.: Just a heads-up here -- I'll be spending the trade deadline surfing the ice floes around Alex Auld's camp (that's "cottage" for you non-Lakehead types). It's safe to assume I'll be happier if Schubert and Neil get the boot -- goodnight now, Manschettenknopf* and Pee-Wee Toe Drag. It's been real.

More later.

_______________

*Yes, I called him "cufflink". It's one of the few German words I know. Don't ask.

Here's Carrie Underwood's high school-esque reaction after being spotted at the Sens-Preds game last night. Apparently she failed to see the irony in the move, because her reaction is currently making the rounds all over the place.

Your ass was warned. The goodness (or a reasonable facsimile of it) begins at 7:45.

Yeah, so I know this'll go over about as well as your wife's/significant other's flannel onesie on Saturday night, but here's the thing...

A handful of games in which the Sens appear, well, relatively effective, is a good thing -- no one's debating that here. But can we all calm down in regards to players like Brian Elliott and Brendan Bell? The way some are going on about Elliott, you'd think they were fantasizing about getting a rubdown with that hot glove hand of his. As I pointed out to the OBC last night, many goaltenders have seen bright moments in this town before crashing and burning. There's absolutely no harm in letting him play out the string -- it'll help him get a feel for the big leagues, and it likely won't hamper his development. That being said, you'll have to excuse me if I don't feel like he deserves a Vezina nomination just yet. History does NOT run in this kid's favour. Credit to him if he beats the odds, but I'm not betting on it. Just saying.

As for Bell -- yes, it's all very lovely that the Sens are getting offensive production from someone on a two-way contract, but given the Sens' overall defensive woes, I think we need to keep it in perspective. A team that considers Brendan Bell as its potential power play QB of the future is a team in desperate need of a blueline makeover.

Well, that's all for this week. Expect things to be quiet around here for the next couple of days -- The Driver and I have plans this weekend (I'm expecting Chris Cuthbert imitations over dinner), but meet us back here on Monday, when the OBC will be hooking up a live blog for the game vs. Nashville. Topics on the agenda include SLC's burlesque house etiquette, the possible re-emergence of Antoine Vermette and whether it's acceptable to bark at the powerhouse actor known as Colm Feore. Trust us, it'll all make sense if you show up.

More later.

Leafs fans are going to have a field day with this. TUC's friend Alanah from Kukla's Korner has unearthed some serious gems from Ray Emery's Facebook page (a person with access to Ray's listing was kind enough to forward them to her). These appear to have been taken last season during a party where a hypnotist was present (although that still doesn't justify seeing Alfredsson in a getup similar to the dress that Gwyneth Paltrow wore during her Oscar win).




We were able to make out Furbligno in the 'banger gear -- is that Phillips in the red? Feel free to take a stab at it in the comments.

Want more (including Mike Fisher as Andy Warhol)? Go here.

Here's the thing: I know everyone was in full-on goober-mode after the Sens' "character win" vs. Buffalo on Saturday. Yes, very good -- Ottawa was able to pull off a shootout victory after almost blowing it in the third. Miracles can happen, and dogs can live with cats (as Miss Sherry pointed out in an OBC post-game e-mail).

Wins should make the fans happy, right? Nothing else matters? Uh, no -- not on this blog. Not when all I wanted to do was tear Brian Lee's emaciated limbs off (now there's a visual).

I get it -- he's still quite young (he'll be 22 next month). I understand that he's only played in 33 regular season games. I acknowledge that defencemen take longer to mature, and I know the hammer can be brought down only so hard, OK?

But I'm still bringing it.

Defenders of Lee might want to remember that he played in all four of the Sens' post-season games last year. You'd think such an opportunity would make a kid quite nervous. However, it also would have forced him to work through his fears, and perhaps, calm down a bit.

It sure as hell didn't appear that way on Saturday. If you're looking for a prime example, check out the Sabres' first goal. Lee skated behind the net with the puck, and was obviously waiting to make the breakout. When Tim Connolly dared to skate in and forecheck (gasp), Lee freaked out and in his feeble attempt to dodge a hit, he expectorated the puck right into Buffalo's lap.

(Aside: Should someone have come in to help him as soon as Connolly made his approach? No doubt, but we've been dealing with that problem all year. That still doesn't justify Lee putting the priority on not being jostled as opposed to protecting the puck. Could you imagine him on the streets of Mumbai? Would he just stand there and scream in the manner of Ned Flanders or similar? That's the way I picture it, but I don't know if he can hit such a high pitch. Someone snap the little darling with a wet towel and get back to me.)

The "don't touch me" attitude reared its ugly head again late in the third, when Lee sensed an opponent lining him up along the boards as he was skating up ice. So what did 55 do? He got rid of the puck by dumping it in -- except he did it prior to hitting the red line. Pointless icing when the game is tied? Not hot, Babyface.

Since drafting him in 2005, the Ottawa Senators have all but admitted that Brian Lee was meant to pick up where Wade Redden left off. Are you buying what they're selling right now? This panic-stricken kid who shuns all body contact* is supposed to be the next franchise offensive defenceman? Who's been grooming him?

Oh, that's right -- Cory Clouston. Should he have a go at Erik Karlsson next?

Go ahead and chew on that. More later.

____________________

*Yeah, I know. In some ways, he's a Senator already, isn't he?

Worth passing on: The Driver insists that Nick Foligno looks like a Furby. Over-under on when the blog begins referring to him only as "Furbligno"? 48 hours. Get your action down now.

Two players, each with seven goals a piece. One is being paid 6-million dollars this year; the other will be getting $850,000. The difference goes towards heart, PK time, churchiness and tabloid titillation.

(Aside: Please don't give me a headache by turning this into something it's not. I know they're not the same player. I just find it hilarious that they have equal goal totals right now.)





Look at those odds. All that hard-fought tanking, and for what? Suck harder, damnit! (Yeah, yeah...I know. That line will be filming outdoors on a bare mattress in the San Fernando Valley this weekend. Come one, come all. OK, I'll just stop it here. Gimme a break -- it's Friday.)





The Toby Jug or the Cup of Demons? This picture was taken during the recent Florida-Toronto game. Now you know how Jacques has been weaseling his way into the playoff race: He's gone pure evil.

(Ed. Note: Thanks to Jason for the photo.)

Other miscellaneous crap...

- Interesting to watch the Senators play last night as if they actually gave a damn (emphasis on the first word of the sentence). And yes, I know Brian Elliott made some choice saves -- including in the shootout -- but mark my words: He is not the guy. He cowers too far in the back of the net, the positioning is questionable...and that's just for starters. For the record, you can put Sens goaltending coach Eli Wilson in the same category as Greg Carvel. Can someone explain why he's still here?

- Oh, check this out: Furbligno (hope you got your bets down in time) moved his feet on the PP, and good things happened. 15, you might want to take that down for future reference. Just saying.

- Finally, you can consider the following as your weekend Chewable...here, let me get the photo up so it feels official:



There we go.

Olympic champion Michael Phelps' recent public rendezvous with the bong has resulted in at least one sponsor cutting ties with him. Kellogg's announced yesterday that they were not renewing their contract with the swimmer.

Now I'm just hypothesizing here based on what I've heard, but isn't cereal one of the ultimate stoner foods? Sure, people might have a bad trip and put gravy on it instead of milk*, but along with Doritos and Cool Whip, I thought it was right up there. And just for the record, Kellogg's isn't trying to kill your buzz by only producing cereals like All-Bran and Corn Flakes. Did you know they're the ones behind Froot Loops? That cereal virtually screams, "burnout". They also make something called "Mini Swirlz". I don't know what those are, but they sound trippy. Do those go better with E? Do people still do E? I'll shut up now. Long story short: If I'm Phelps' PR man, I march into Kellogg's tomorrow to tell them that his client was attempting to identify with some of their loyal consumers.

Have a good weekend, cynics. More later.

__________

*I know what you're thinking. No, definitely not. But in high school, my best friend got kind of messed up one night and proceeded to jam a miniature statue of St. Jude up her nose (just the head) -- but that's only when she wasn't eating Miracle Whip straight out of the jar with her hands. Kids, don't do drugs.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Bloody Team 1200.

Ever wondered what it's like to do business with a professional sports franchise? TUC's friend Steve Ladurantaye of The Globe and Mail recently conducted an interview with Ottawa Senators COO Cyril Leeder on that very subject. Here's a clip:

What can a small company do to better tailor its business pitches to pro sports teams?

Cyril Leeder: Be brief and specific. Be prepared to be competitive. If we make a commitment to use your service, you had better be prepared to make a commitment to be a season-ticket holder and sponsor of the hockey club.

Want more? Go here.

Mike Zeisberger of the Toronto Sun on TSN's Off The Record yesterday:

"I keep hearing how Ottawa fans want a puck-moving defenceman. What was Joe Corvo?"

Sigh.

DE-FENCE-MAN. Can we please focus on that word, kids? It's kind of important right now.

It does Ottawa no good if a player can move the puck, but can't be trusted in his own zone. Yes, I know there are stay-at-home guys, but come on -- their first job is to defend. If not, they'd be forwards. Ottawa has seen guys like Joe Corvo, Wade Redden and Andrej Meszaros come and go. What did they all have in common? They could move the puck (some better than others), but they were also the source of many of a myocardial infarction when the play came into the Senators' end.

Don't gloss over the issue, because this isn't just an obsession about the breakout pass. It has to be the right guy -- one who can be trusted both in front of and behind the blueline.

More later.

Craig Hartsburg -- the coach who kinda looked like a poor man's Dicky Barrett -- has been given the boot.

Two thoughts here:

1) Does Melnyk think he can coach and/or is he going to make the next hire himself;

2) Who does Greg Carvel have naked pictures of? According to my math, this is move No. 4 he's going to skate through. How is he not part of the problem?

More to come as this hot mess develops throughout the day. Stay tuned.

UPDATE #1: Garrioch says Cory Clouston is taking over. Jeebus help us all if this is true. Best take on TUC's texts so far: "(Cory) Clouston is Hartsburg without the personality."


UPDATE #2:: Darren Dreger is reporting on the FAN 590 that Clouston will be given the interim tag. Remind me again why they're doing this?

UPDATE #3: We're hearing rumblings of Pat Quinn (and no, not his stomach). Apparently he named was dropped last night within the inner sanctum as the knife fell. True? No? Stay tuned.

UPDATE #4: Alrighty then -- press conference done. Much obliged for the softball q's, boys. Sheesh. So here's the synopsis: Murray says that Clouston -- yes, it's him -- is here until the end of the year. Murray said he did this, basically to assess the performance level of the players currently in Ottawa uniforms. Claims there's still "big decisions to be made". Pfft. Probably the most interesting thing the GM said was this: Mr. Eugene is NOT pulling the strings -- he allowed Murray to make the choice, and that there were some choice veteran names he "was thinking about". Murray wanted Clouston (whose name he does not know how to pronounce, by the way) because he "knows our players and prospects" and can get "maximum performance" out of them. "Cory earned this...he deserves this", Murray later added. Damn dude, what the hell did you do in Binghamton to be thrown into such a mess? For the record, Cory insists he's "not a player's coach". Does it even matter any more? He also added that he's been "pigeon-holed as a defensive-minded coach", but that isn't true either. You know, because that would be really bad, given the current situation.

I'm really surprised no one stepped up to ask what Clouston has that the veterans do not. (More naked pictures, perhaps?) Anyone have an answer for that? As for Quinn, does this mean he's truthfully out of the picture? Melnyk was practically dry-humping him at the WJC's. Has the relationship cooled, or does he want his boy to start fresh next year...with a clean slate perhaps?



Let the mania continue, cynics. More later.

...because the old-school Jungle listener in TUC still giggles after hearing Bruce Springsteen utter the line "tramps like us...".

I know a lot has gone down in the past few days, and frankly, I was not available to hit on any of it. Therefore, I'm going to concentrate on the bits that stood out to me the most, and leave the rest for leftovers and miscellaneous stuff. Ready? Here we go...


TUC is still trying to figure out what Mr. Eugene's deal is. One day he's venting and applying completely inappropriate analogies to the Senators' woes; the next he's on the radio acting so sickeningly sweet and positive you'd think he was freelancing for Disney...or a chiropractor.

Look, I get that the guy has to pull for the team -- after all, he's the one who's ponying up for them. But no one's forcing him to open his mouth right now, and therein lies the rub. These days, Ottawa fans don't want to hear that this team has a legitimate shot at a playoff berth, a lengthy post-season run, or God forbid, a Stanley Cup victory. Why? Well, because it's a bunch of bull(expletive). (Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.) Hell, it wouldn't do them much good to keep from humiliating themselves on a daily basis, because as it stands, there are top-shelf draft picks at stake -- and damn good ones, too. What does an eighth-place finish in the East get you this year? Your precious two-game homestand gate receipts? Repeated nostalgia from all those post-season sweeps of yore? Way to pump up the masses, Mr. Eugene. Enjoy your season ticket base of 8,000 people next season, and by the way -- pass the C-4. Some of us are smart enough to realize that not everything can be fixed with bandaids, rotating personnel and kids from Colgate University.

***

The crazy Columbus ginge known as Mike Commodore weaseled his way into my heart a couple of days ago, when he let loose with some unflattering thoughts about his tenure in Ottawa. Now to be fair, I don't really give an arse about his beef with Bryan Murray. That being said, this little quip was bank:

"I didn't play well. I was not a good player," Commodore said. "But when I go around the room and ask the other defensemen how we play in our own zone, and I get six different answers how am I supposed to fit in?

I swore up and down that Commodore said something similar (although maybe not as direct) during his actual time as a Senator, but damned if I could find it when I needed to. Regardless, the following helps to illustrate what I've been saying for some time -- the Ottawa Senators are completely lacking in a proper defensive system. This -- combined with the lack of effective puck-moving blueliners -- is destroying them. I'm not going to defend Commodore's play as a Senator (e.g. him not showing up as the hard-nosed guy fans were expecting), but it's one thing to not understand a lesson that's being taught -- it's a whole 'nother ball of wax when you're expected to learn without any lesson at all. I know these players make a lot of money and we in turn, expect a great deal from them. But for all their talent, you can't simply send a defensive core out there and tell them to just "be". It's not that Zen. You have to find it somewhat telling that a former player is coming out with claims against the Senators' defensive structure (or lack thereof). It would be wonderful if Ottawa would actually get off their ass and do something about it, as opposed to being blasted in the media by unhappy ex-employees.


***

Finally, let it be said that TUC is viciously unhappy to watch William Houston of The Globe and Mail unceremoniously ride off into the sunset. God willing, the appropriate person will come along to step into his place. They're big shoes to fill, but the Canadian sports media desperately needs someone to keep it in line -- be it at the Globe, or another any other traditional outlet of significant size.


One of Houston's final columns provided me with quite a laugh (although surely unintentional) when he wrote about the CBC's issues with the word "pansification", and Don Cherry's refusal to say it. Here's a clip from the column:

Cherry has mimicked effeminate males when discussing the media in the past. But he said he has never publicly put down homosexuals.

"I've upset just about everybody else, but never ever said anything about gays," he said.

The Hockey Night commentator said yesterday he supports gay initiatives and has influenced teenagers to come out of the closet. He recalled plugging a gay hockey tournament in New York on Coach's Corner several years ago.

"I got a nice letter from the head of the gays thanking me very much," Cherry said. "The whole deal. And I wrote them back, too."


Honestly, that's lovely. But "the head of the gays", Don? Seriously?

More later.

Welcome to your first post for 2009. It almost didn't happen because, frankly, I was a bit burnt out on the whole idea. But then, two things happened:

1) I had to fire the old girl up last night to help someone obtain a bit of information that I knew I had kept on here, and I got a bit sentimental about it;

2) You bloody people wouldn't leave me alone.

"Erin, what's wrong with the blog? Why can't I see the blog? When's the blog coming back? Why don't you love me anymore? Do these pants make my ass look big?"

(Okay, only a couple of you included the last sentence in your missives, but you get my drift.)

I couldn't answer every e-mail, but the point is -- I was on a break. Now I'm back. Breathe...it'll be okay. Thank you for your patience, and as always, your commitment to my sports-related insanity via deciphered binary code.

Let's catch up, shall we? Here's what went down while I was gone:

1) The Driver and I did quite a lot of the World Junior thing -- I thought the Swedes were the mad hotness for most of the tournament, and watching them throw up all over themselves in the final was pretty brutal. (Hurrah for the homeland and all that good stuff. Uh, I guess.) I'm in solid agreement with most that Erik Karlsson definitely is on the right track, and will likely be in a Senators uniform sooner rather than later. His play gets a bit too pretty at times, but that can be remedied with the correct grooming. I think he's further along in his development than Brian Lee was during his stints at the WJC (keep in mind at that time, the U.S. defence was quite deep and Lee's contributions were minimal at best -- the Swedes also brought a detailed blueline core, and many agree that Karlsson was at the forefront of the group).

(Aside: Thanks to JB for all his hook-ups during the tournament. Dude, I owe you a couple of beers or a trip to California. I'll let you pick which one.)

2) US Weekly approached me to dig up dirt on Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood. Seriously. For the record, I didn't do it. Check it out: This is me being nice in 2009.

3) I've received an offer to go fishing with the Hanson Brothers this summer. Seriously (reprise). I'm still mulling it over because I'm paranoid I'd fall out of the boat. That being said, it would've made for one hell of a column, if Sun Media hadn't allocated my salary towards hot air balloon repairs. Stay tuned on this one.

4) Regarding The Manatee: Sigh. In the end, I put him in the same category as Joe Corvo -- it didn't work out, but let's get real: He never should've been brought here in the first place, and a lot of the expectations could be connected to the fact that he was overpaid. That's not his fault. Gerber was a good teammate who never rocked the boat, and handled so much of the unnecessary drama in Ottawa with an unbelievable amount of class. Swim on, Sea Cow. Best of luck to you.

5) I was in Vegas recently and witnessed the AFC and NFC championships from the MGM Grand's sports book. Good times, bad smoke. To say there was an unbelievable amount of action on the Cardinals would be the understatement of the century. (By the way, I kept looking for a line on how many times Kurt Warner would thank Jesus after the big win. There were none. Lunacy.) Anyway, The Driver is pleased as all hell because The Buzzsaw is his 1a team, after the Chargers. (Just to clear things up: I am not dating Will Leitch. There was another dude who liked the Cardinals before all this happened. I just happen to live with him.)

I know, I know. "What does this have to do with hockey?!?" Calm down, chickadees. I'm getting to that.



Here were the odds to win the Stanley Cup this year for all 30 teams, as of January 12th. Your degenerate gamblers call these "futures bets". And yes, you're reading that correctly: The Senators -- after starting the year at 12/1 -- were an 80/1 bet as of mid-January. The freaking Kings had better odds than that. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Eugene. (More on him in the next post, by the way.)

Anyway, I wasn't in Vegas to bet on football or scrutinize the hockey odds -- I went down to see Pennywise and the Circle Jerks (then Pennywise again with Pulley the next night) at the House of Blues. Here's a clip from the show, which includes footage of the biggest man I ever interviewed. And don't bitch to me about how this has nothing to do with sports. My blog, my rules. Next you'll be expecting me to turn into some lankster who plays bass guitar on the side. Wait...what?



Yeah hey, says I. It's good to be back. More later.

P.S.: You'll also notice for the first time in years (literally) we're giving the peanut gallery a trial run. Media and professional franchises, govern yourselves accordingly -- anonymous comments are difficult to pull off when the joint is rigged with site meters. Just saying.

TUC HQ is preparing to go into hibernation as the perfect storm of international hockey, progeny on skates and the holiday season hits Kanata. The Sens' goofy-ass "make or break" roadtrip likely won't be enough to hold our attention, but that luscious Winter Classic out at Wrigley Field will. Mmmm... Hawk v. Wing goodness.

We'll see you on the other side. Merry Christmas to all -- even the media (hey, I'm feeling jolly) -- behave yourselves, and be safe.

Yeah hey,

TUC

__________

*A classic phrase around here at TUC HQ. One of The Driver's co-workers fell asleep at work, and was caught by management. She opened her eyes and uttered said phrase before going back to sleep. Needless to say, it didn't end well.

Here's the thing: The OBC likes to talk...a lot. We talk more than your annoying sister-in-law after she's gotten into the Kahlua. And when people like us begin to toss ideas around, well, interesting things can happen...

You may be familiar with the "We Are All Canucks" media campaign in Vancouver -- TUC's friend Alanah from Kukla's Korner was part of it. Smiling, happy fans in Canucks merch, sprinkled with Vancouver players have been plastered all over buses, SkyTrains and similar throughout the city.

The OBC, familiar with this marketing scheme and depressed by the state of its own franchise, decided it was time for a bit of a Sens-flavoured spin. Six photos, one from each member, representing our current state of mind -- however pathetic and alcohol-soaked it may be. We've entitled this pictorial monstrosity, "A Farce United". (This is a play on the Sens' current slogan, "A Force United". Get it? Get it? Oh, Christ...)




Here I am with Mr. Heatley (or a Todd McFarlane-created facsimile). Dany may wear No. 15, but we've been associating the number 50 with him for some time now (he was a 50-goal scorer in back-to-back seasons in '05-'06 and '06-'07). However, given Heatley's underachieving ways of late, I thought it was time to demonstrate which type of 50 he's probably more interested in these days.

Too much? Not enough? Think you can do better? Send us your own version. We can't guarantee it won't be mocked, but if it's decent, you could see it on one of the OBC blogs.

In the meantime, check out the contributions from Five For Smiting, Hockeyschlock, Sens at Land's End and Scarlett Ice. Many camera angles were considered and much hard liquor was consumed -- or so I'm told. Enjoy our pain, dear readers. It's our Christmas gift to you.

More later.

More great stuff coming from William Houston of The Globe And Mail. Check it out here.

Yay, dear friends, do not despair, for I have not forgotten you. The news -- the glorious news -- of the Swedish Messiah's arrival on the West Coast last night has left me faint. I could barely finish my red meat-laden meal with The Driver, let alone the vodka-grapefruit chasers.

O, let us come and marvel at the Canucks' new deity. Let Mike Gillis swaddle the saviour's alabaster skin in polyester jerseys, then nestle him in a manger outside GM Place for all media to worship.

Praise him! Praise him, damnit! He is your king now!

(You know, at least until he blows out a knee or something.)

Respectable, despicable it seems all the same
Now we realize that we have nothing to say
If your reserve is weak
Audacity complete
Ask yourself again: "Do I deserve much from them?"

-- Give You Nothing (Bad Religion)


A few things you should know about TUC:

1) I'm not a hockey hypocrite (see the Sean Avery post);

2) I'm no patriot, especially when it comes to this sport. Canada NOT winning the gold medal will make a tournament like the WJC far more interesting. Yes, it's a taboo statement. I don't give a damn;

3) I don't write about garbage.

Notice a glaring lack of posts lately? That's because I won't waste my digital motor skills covering what may, or may not be going on with this city's team. I've said everything I could up until this point. The Ottawa Senators aren't worth my time, let alone my money. The next time I enter SBP for an event involving the Senators will be on February 3, 2009 -- I'll have comped tickets in my hand and an Anze Kopitar longsleeve t-shirt on my back. I don't know how much more blatant I can be: I won't be there for the home team.

The OSHC can continue to lurk around here all they want, but they should know they're wasting their time. It's one thing to suck; it's quite another to put people to sleep in the process. We all know how much the Sens "hate it" when fans and the media pile on. Be very careful what you wish for, ladies. Let's see what happens when observers finally throw in the towel, stop caring and move on to other interests. Check the falling numbers on the attendance. Listen to the frustration and hopelessness of the fans on the post-game show. News flash, Mensas: You're losing them. You're losing your fans in a fairweather town, and you're too damn proud to admit that this time, you f*cked up huge. Bravo.

More later.

Yeah, I know I'm late. Shut the hell up -- you wanted it, so you're getting it. Here's my first -- and hopefully the last -- word on Sean Avery.

We know what Sean said was inappropriate. We know the media's reaction was beyond hypocritical. And we know that women aren't as offended by this incident as men seem to insist they are. Let's move on to some lesser discussed issues surrounding this incident, shall we?

1) The whole idea of shining the spotlight on misogyny smacks me as incredibly hilarious. Chew on this, Big League: An extremely large proportion of the population is disrespectful to the female gender to some degree. Hell, I wouldn't hesitate to lump myself into that category as well. You can deny it all you want, but here's the truth: Society as a whole likes to employ female-related terminology and issues in a derogatory manner -- so much so that it's become commonplace. How many times have you heard someone refer to a cranky person as a "bitch"? Worse still, how often do you think said person was asked if it was "their time of the month"? For the hell of it, here's a personal example: A while ago, a reader sent me an e-mail, criticizing Mike Fisher. The thing was, the reader wrote "Hunt" between No. 12's first and last name. Funny? No. Vulgar? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely not. So why do it? Is "because we can" a good enough reason?

And yes, you'll notice I wrote "population" above, not just "men". Women are not only willing participants in the regular slagging of their gender, but they also choose to a) tolerate it and b) encourage it to a baffling degree. Don't believe me? Check out footage from a Girls Gone Wild video, or a clip from Mardi Gras sometime. You can literally call a woman a "slut" or "whore" to her face, then command (not ask) her to bare her breasts for you. Not only will the woman likely acquiesce, but she'll probably giggle prior and post-flash, then buy you a Hurricane afterward. What a world. (For more on this mentality, go pick up Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy.)

The idea that Sean Avery went "over the line" with his comments makes no sense to me. Society shows that this kind of talk has made its way into our general verbal expressions on an everyday basis. It doesn't mean it's acceptable, but rather that you have to pick your spots when it does occur. Sean's comments were gross, but they really weren't offensive. What is offensive, is to think that the male-dominated sports media has hoodwinked the masses with their feigned shock and disgust. Memo to The Old Boys' Club: Don't try to bull(expletive) me, okay? I know you. When you heard it, you laughed. And don't pretend like you can't relate to the language used -- I heard far worse epithets being dropped in the Ottawa Senators' press box during my time there. Some of you said things within my earshot that would make Avery look like a saint. Oh, but there weren't any cameras around, right? I guess that means it doesn't count.

2) You may have noticed claims that Avery's comments were meant more as a shot against Dion Phaneuf as opposed to Phaneuf's girlfriend (and Avery's ex), Elisha Cuthbert. May I offer another reason why women seem to be less up in arms about this incident: Selective defense. My gender is a funny group. Call Paris Hilton a "slut", and you'll likely get a Marcus Allen-related retort. Use the same term for Angelina Jolie, and well, you'll come across more than a few who will defend her. Both Hilton and Jolie have, shall we say, sketchy histories. However, with Jolie's large (partially adopted) brood, philanthropic efforts and UN appearances, she has shrewdly become a likable and sympathetic figure.

Elisha Cuthbert is a C-level actress who has done little of note -- short of dating NHL players. This is the girl who faced the mountain lion on 24, and everyone was rooting for the cat (Jack Bauer would've gotten over it in 3 or 4 hours, tops). Have we ever seen any puck bunnies in the past who were deemed to be sympathetic cases (let alone puck bunny-actress hybrids)? Don't think so. My gender will never take up for a woman like that. Case closed.

To summarize: When I heard Avery's remarks, I laughed to myself. That being said, I knew what he did was inappropriate, but it didn't offend me. The media has completely blown this incident out of proportion for one reason, and one reason only: Attention. They know when Avery talks these days, he draws more eyeballs and ears than Crosby and Ovechkin combined...and THEY LOVE HIM FOR IT. Sean's actions were premeditated, and the media's response was totally predictable. However, since the infamous soundbite was dropped, only one of these parties has been referred to as a "joke" due to their actions. We may want to re-think that take. And in meantime, why don't you let me decide what is, or isn't offensive? Have I ever had a problem telling you otherwise? Yeah, that's what I thought.

More later.

This is why TUC HQ loves Prison Break: It's the one show where you can watch a reasonable facsimile of Martin Gerber physically threaten an extremely reasonable facsimile of Roy Mlakar.

(Confused? Read the second part of this post. Oh, and thanks for joining us.)

In other non-news, get ready to steel yourselves for additional drunken antics from the OBC via live blog this evening. Most of the crew (minus yours truly, who's currently tied up with other business) should be attending this Atlanta-related affair. Make your presence known at around 6:45 pm EST or so -- bring your dancing shoes, but prepare to duck SLC after he's had a couple. Dude's been known to get a little frisky.


Play nice, ladies. More later.

Don Brennan on OTP late last night:

"Is there anyone not expecting the Senators to snap out of this funk soon?"

...because if we haven't given you a nickname, you're pretty much a nobody.




Oh, look -- Giggles was so busy growing facial hair that he forgot to duck Bobby Clarke's shiv. Here's the notable quote from Clarke, courtesy of his Thursday appearance on TSN's Off The Record:

"Great players are hard to play against. I don't think anybody fears playing against Jason Spezza ... other than the fact he might score or make a great play on you. You never get bruised, you never get touched."


Black Aces took issue with Clarke's criticism by performing quite the name-drop:

"The latest media tirade against Jason Spezza came from Bobby Clarke. He complained that players don't fear playing against Spezza because he can only make you look bad by "making plays" but won't lay a hand on anyone.

What, you mean like Wayne Gretzky, Steve Yzerman, Mike Modano, Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Pat Lafontaine, Ron Francis, Joe Sakic, Evgeni Malkin, Patrick Elias and Jaromir Jagr?

If it was good enough for them, why not Spezza?"

While I've never been a huge fan of Spezza's, I'm inclined to agree with BA's take. Senators fans have always expected a lot out of No. 19 -- I don't think physicality was ever part of the equation. That's not to say fans wouldn't appreciate a little aggression from their No. 1 centre, but come on now. There seems to be this mentality that if players are being paid all this money, they had better be complete, and then some. We want them to be snipers, two-way performers, playmakers, muckers, leaders, team players, disciplinarians and (expletive)-disturbers. Show me a team made of nothing but complete players, and I'll show you a league that throws in the towel, and hands out its championship in the first month of the season.

That being said, fans are never going to stop coming down on players to improve upon their current skill set. If Chris Phillips is a shut-down defenceman, he should play the body. If Antoine Vermette and Mike Fisher are to be considered true two-way players, they have to find the back of the net.

As for Spezza -- if you want him to instill fear into the hearts of his opponents, why not squelch his predictability with the puck, both during his successes and errors?

(Okay, even I made myself laugh with that one.)

***

Who's in the mood for an overkill troika? I want to see Brian Burke collaborate with Guns N' Roses on a new soundtrack for Twilight. Seriously -- now that Brian's in Toronto, can we give it a rest already? I knew we were in too deep with Burke when it became common knowledge that a) his wife's name is Jennifer and b) she's seeking a prominent position in television. Honestly, can you think of the name of another GM's wife (and her current career aspirations) off the top of your head?

I guess I'm expecting too much. Burke's already getting credit for crap he had nothing to do with. TSN.ca's headline last night (post-Leafs victory) declared Burke's arrival as a "Successful Debut". Alrighty then.

More later.

From the "TUC Finds This Strangely Interesting" files:

In 2006, certain choice readers of the column referred to me as an "idiotic woman who (didn't) know what (she was) talking about" when I said that a) now-New York Ranger Marc Staal should have been drafted by the Sens in '05 and b) the Battle of Ontario had lost its spark.

In 2008, these opinions have become common knowledge -- in fact, to state so will likely encourage mocking for pointing out the blatantly obvious.

Alrighty then.

P.S.: On an unrelated note, here's one for those from the Lakehead: Alex Auld will now be known as "Mount Baldy". Epic? Damn right.

(Ed. Note: I've been chomping at the Flintstones-flavoured bit to get to this one.)

TUC favourite William Houston of The Globe And Mail wrote quite the intriguing column on Friday, which delved into the absence of several newspaper outlets from this year's Grey Cup (the event took place last night in Montreal). Here are some notable excerpts:

The Grey Cup is a Canadian institution, but the media contingent covering the event will be the smallest in years.

The Ottawa Citizen, just a few hours away by car from Sunday's game in Montreal, will not attend. Nor will the Ottawa Sun.

...

Given Ottawa's proximity to Montreal, the Citizen's decision was particularly difficult, sports editor Hugh Paterson said.

"We thought about it," he said. "But with the economy the way it is and budget constraints, we decided we'd just rely on the chain. We didn't make the decision lightly because it's only two hours down the road."

The Canwest chain is using coverage from Montreal produced by its newspapers in the home towns of the Grey Cup teams, the Calgary Herald and The Gazette in Montreal.

Sun Media is relying on Calgary Sun copy, although Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun will be in Montreal on the weekend, in large part because of appearances on TSN.

Half the cost of his trip will be paid by TSN.

Let's lay the cards out on the table, shall we? You're telling me that the Ottawa Sun nor the Citizen would send local reps to cover a national championship taking place two hours down the highway. However, if the Habs were to make an appearance in the Cup Final come June '09, would the same papers be crying poor? Wayne Scanlan wouldn't be there to file a 2,000-word piece on the majesty that is Montreal? Chris Stevenson wouldn't be trying to meld with the masses in tri-coloured face paint? Woman, please.

This isn't about penny-pinching -- it's about priorities, and despite insistence to the contrary, the CFL isn't one of them. Rock on, Canwest. You too, Quebecor. It was a nice try.

The OBC has thrown together an impromptu live blog for this afternoon's tilt between the Sens and Blueshirts. From the sound of initial discussion, I may be the only sober participant, but who knows what the afternoon may bring? If you want to chime in, drag your punk ass over to Scarlett Ice, and plead your case to Sherry and DHS. We'll promise you good fun and more inappropriate cracks than the press box, but with less popcorn on the floor. Come back to join us at 2:45 pm, won't you?

Cynics, you can't imagine my happiness after returning from the U.S. yesterday to this glorious news. Birds are singing, deer are eating from my hand...I feel like I'm in a Disney movie (or an election campaign for Barack Obama). Read it one more time for good measure:

To make up for the loss of grit, the Senators recalled Cody Bass from Binghamton of the AHL. In 16 games with the Baby Sens this season, Bass has one goal and one assist while adding 37 minutes in penalties.

Just ignore those stats that make our boy seem like he serves less of a purpose. The Senators backed up the Brinks truck to guys like Spezza and Heatley -- they can score the goals. The OBC's player of choice is here to kick some ass along the boards, to mock the ways of yore, and to add some general intrigue to a team that lately, is the equivalent of an Ambien tablet with a warm milk chaser. The OBC will quietly standby to see how Bass' call-up develops. If he looks like he'll be staying for a while, be warned: We're coming for you, and we're armed with poly-cotton blend.

__________

For the uninitiated, The Ottawa Bloggers Collective consists of the following misfits:

Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Creator of massive e-mail chains and general Deadspin honk

Freewillig: Keeping tabs on the team from below the 49th parallel

Miss Meaghan: Balancing out the estrogen representation for the OBC on the West Coast

Miss Sherry: Responsible for infiltration behind enemy lines and quirky antics

Senators' Lost Cojones: Her Majesty's Keeper of all things Simpsons-related

TUC: Rumour-mongering, punk rock and giving sports media the bitchface

Now you know. No more questions...we have much work to do.

"Hey, if Spezza hasn't done anything tonight, just throw his TOI up there! That's a relevant stat, right?"

Sigh.

Who's up for some redundant circling conversation? Let's talk defense! Chris Phillips lumbering behind the net to catch Fredrik Sjostrom, not thinking the Swede's pass to the point would be infinitely faster than No. 4's fumbling feet. The icing on the cake came when Fredrik was allowed to skate out to the side to actually score the goal himself. Stellar work. Oh, and please Brendan Bell, with your wobbly passes 15 feet off the mark -- save us from ourselves! If you listen closely, you can hear the 416 laughing their asses off.

Speaking of laughing -- if I hear one more person float the ludicrous idea of Jay Bouwmeester for Spezza straight up, I'm going to be accused of huffing nitrous oxide. You want to dangle for a semi-available quality offensive defenseman, and you think Kanata's favourite frat boy will accomplish that deed? Oh sure, no problem. You'll just have to get past this little obstacle first:



Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. I know long memories seem to be in short supply around here, but did you Mensas really forget about the relationship between Jacques Martin and Spezza? Martin had no patience for Spezza's (expletive) -- it showed, and then some. Being a defensive-minded coach, the idea of all that risky playmaking obviously sent shivers down his spine. Remember how long it took for all of us to truly see No. 19 for the first time? Remember how Jacques waited until the darkest hour during the New Jersey series in 2002-03, before he finally relented and put Spezza in the lineup? People took it out on Martin for not giving the kid a chance. We all insisted he'd grow up and balance out. Made sense at the time, didn't it?

The thing is, Jason's a grown man now (ahem), and his game has peaked on both sides. Those expecting him to turn into some sort of Yzerman v. 2.0, simply by buckling down and tapping into the Nepean water supply are only kidding themselves. Need some quick and dirty proof? Compare their respective skating abilities, then try and convince me otherwise. As for leadership -- do we really need to go there?

Jacques isn't blind -- he knows what's up. He had no time for Spezza when there was still an opportunity to mould him. Why on Earth would he want him now? Just saying.

Finally, one more blueline-related note: I've had more than my fill of the Senators' defensive sluttiness (for lack of a better word), and I know I can't be the only one. Have you honestly seen a team put up less of a fight when allowing the opponent into their zone? "Come on in, fellas! The more the merrier!" For God's sakes, I hope they at least bought you boys dinner first.

More later.

If you had the good sense on Saturday to switch over from that incessant crapfest coming from Uniondale, NY to the Hotstove feed on the CBC, you may have caught the perfect metaphor for the Sens' current predicament.

Here's the synopsis: Brian Burke, Brian Burke, Leafs, Brian Burke...Barry Melrose, Barry Melrose, Barry Melrose.

Then, at the very end of the segment, Ron MacLean dropped the following (very telling) statement:

"We don't have time to talk about Ottawa."

Now to be fair, the Burke and Melrose stories are headline-grabbers, and would've been discussed regardless of what was taking place in the capital. However, whenever the Senators' woes reach this degree, their issues tend to be discussed in agonizing detail by the national media.

Not this time. And why? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Sens just aren't worth the mention anymore.

No charm. No panache. No sizzle and no spark. That clicking sound you hear is one of two things: 1) Remote controls feverishly searching for another game -- any game -- to watch or b) soft palette suction after a fan falls asleep open-mouthed and drooling during the second period for the fourth time this month.

It isn't bad enough this team is playing brutal hockey -- they're doing it in such a fashion that people can't bear to watch, because the boredom is killing them.

Personally, I can't count how many times I've been grateful to have Centre Ice. I'll switch over to the Kings games to see how Drew Doughty is developing (nicely, by the way). I'll seek out the Blackhawks to watch them cycle in the corners, because it feels nostalgic. Then I'll see Brian Campbell skate up the ice with such fluid grace that it almost brings a tear to my eye.

Why would I choose to watch garbage when they're so much goodness out there? Would I do it because I'm a fan of Ottawa? Screw that.

So what are the Senators supposed to do about this? I wish I could tell you. People can talk about trades until they're blue in the face. It doesn't mean a) that it's going to happen or b) that the right move will be made. There are far too many issues with this club that can't be solved with a one-body swap (up to and including Bryan Murray for Brian Burke -- woman, please). And we all know they can't fire Hartsburg with a straight face, so that option's toast as well. In short, they've really screwed themselves over this time, but still seem to believe they can pull a "Jackie" Lou LamoriellO and wriggle their way out of it, a la 2006-07. Keep reaching for the stars, boys. It's time to admit that was a one-time experience. You got lucky. It happens to nearly everyone eventually.

And again, as I've stated in the past, a hearty dose of humility is long overdue for the Senators. Their behaviour, particularly that of the front office, has been nothing but insufferable since their Cup run in 2007. News flash to the swollen craniums of the OSHC: Know your role. You've won nothing, and done little. You're still in a small market that lacks the intrigue to attract players of note, and your season ticket fanbase isn't as committed as you think. People constantly talk about what needs to be fixed. Make no mistake -- this is an issue many seem to overlook.

A march to the Finals is yesterday's news for this team. Here's today's reality: Their problems will not be solved with a quick fix, and their relevance within the NHL is becoming less significant by the day. It's one thing to suck -- it's quite another when people begin not to care whether you do.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a San Jose-Chicago game to get back to. More later.

Dumbass Du Jour Jarkko Ruutu has received two games for his headhunting stint on Maxim Lapierre last night. Still no word if his teammates clobbered him with blunt, painful objects after his salute to the crowd.


P.S.: The text of the day, on the subject of Ruutu's elbow: "I wish he would've hit (Jason Spezza) instead."

Disgusting, utter garbage. That's what I saw last night.

All the incessant goobering over Demi-Deity Fisher and Jesse Winchester didn't do a lick of good, now did it? It's the Canadiens, boys. Not cold fusion. As for Alfie -- can you have a Samson effect after a moustache removal? He looked like hell.

And the defence? Take a hint from Babyface Lee: If you have a 5 in your number, I want to see the back of you on a bus to Bingo. Defensive liabilities are one thing -- Joe Corvo was a liability. But dude could also QB a power play. Picard and Schubert are playing like AHL-level albatrosses and they contribute jack. Oh, and let's all continue to pretend that having Chris Phillips on the PP is normal and shouldn't be questioned. He'll contribute offensively! He won't get burnt out by the additional workload...why would he? It's Hartsburg's world, kids. We're just living in it.

As for Ruutu: The hit was one thing, and will likely make the rounds on the media circuit within the next 24 hours. However, it was his antics after he was tossed that really put me over the edge. All that gesturing and waving to the crowd was beyond bush league and exceedingly inappropriate, especially when you consider the Sens were down 3-0 at that point. The organization should be incredibly embarrassed by such an incident, but seeing how oblivious they've been to everything else these days, I'm sure they will interpret it as a lighthearted moment. Good times.

You're doing a bang-up job, boys. Keep it up.

...because we were just as weirded out as you to see Roy Mlakar's twin make out with Gretchen on Prison Break last week.

Excuse the general indifference and hodge-podge nature of the recent posts, but the Senators are having a difficult time holding my attention lately. Non-storylines of note include a so-called goaltending controversy between two men who will never be considered true No. 1 backstoppers, Alex Auld's 1.84 GAA, The Demi-Deity's so-called resurrection (Ed. Note: Pffft.) and name suggestions for the Winchester-Fisher-Alfredsson line. (By the way -- the JAM line? What the Christ is that all about? Last time I checked, No. 11's full name wasn't Alfie Alfredsson. Please try again.) Sigh. I'm just not feeling it. That being said, a few things have caught my eye over the past few days...

It appears that Ottawa continues to struggle with discovering its identity, and I'm not just talking about during play. "Team Honk" Stu (I refuse to call him "Stuntman" because he hasn't done anything noteworthy in that department in ages) has initiated a new gimmick after goals for the home team. He announces the player's first name, then goes silent, allowing the crowd to yell out the surname. Cute, I guess, but apparently the capital can only handle one or two syllables at a time. Anything more than that ("Volchenkov", for example), and the fans begin to sound like a TTC subway stop announcer.

A partial step forward? Sure, but it wouldn't be the Sens if it weren't accompanied by the inevitable two steps back. After Antoine Vermette's non-goal vs. Philly last Thursday, the Sens' audio department kicked in with Pennywise's Bro Hymn. For the uninitiated, this song is generally recognized as Anaheim's goal song. Other teams play it occasionally, but the Ducks use it relentlessly. Pennywise even performed at the Ducks' Stanley Cup celebration where the SoCal team celebrated their victory over...who again? Oh, that's right. Ottawa.

Why would you want to play a song so strongly associated with the one team that a) stood in your way of hoisting the Cup and b) continues to kick your ass on a regular basis? Just saying.

***

The St. Louis-L.A. game on Saturday caught me off-guard for a couple of reasons: It was in HD, and it was shot using the rinkside format. The "inside the boards" sensation this broadcast provides won me over last season, but now I have one quibble: I wish they'd switch to a traditional angle when the play is in the neutral zone, a la the NFL. It would make it easier to follow the play, and it's a little easier on the eyes. And for the record, I think Jim Fox could do with another dressing-down from Bryan Murray in order to shock him into silence. Dude never shuts up.

***

Finally, this weekend's Quality Moment: Thank God The Driver had the good sense to record this for me, because I would've been devastated if I missed it. Here's Garry Galley hitting an unintentional comedic home run during an interview with the Canes' Brandon Sutter. The turning itself is funny, but it's ratcheted up a million notches by the fact that he's asking a question in the process. Don't take my word for it -- check out this quick and dirty footage. TUC HQ has watched this at least 20 times in the last 24 hours, and the law of diminishing returns has yet to apply.




More later.

Who's up for purchasing merch sight unseen on this fabulous Monday? According to their website, that's what the Sens want you to do. The above photo is accompanied by the following blurb on the team page:

Your Senators are Back in Black this November when they face the New York Rangers on November 22 at 3pm. Great seats are still available - visit capitaltickets.ca to get yours today and be the first to see the Sens hit the ice in BLACK!

Pre-order your Black jersey before November 21st and receive an RBK Hockey hat with your order!


Um...and?

I don't know about you, but I kind of like to know what I'm ordering before I throw my cash down. Naturally the jersey doesn't appear on the Sens' online store or at shop.nhl.com. And sure, I get that they're trying to be stealth about it, but give me a break. We all know the team is going to ice this happy crap on the 22nd. It still doesn't change the fact that they're trying to push something without full and proper knowledge of the product.

And now, your bonus bit...

Being forced to watch the Leafs-Rangers game on Saturday reunited us with our old frenemy, Perry Pearn. I wasn't that fond of Pearn's work when he worked under the Toby Jug, but you may have noticed a lot of verbal humping going on during the Rangers' PK. It came with good reason -- the aggressive forecheck that the Rangers' D uses at their blueline during penalty kills is extremely effective. Yes, they lost to the Leafs that night, but check the scoreboard -- all of Toronto's goals were scored during 5-on-5 play.

More later.