The Universal Cynic

You can't tell me that "Jackie" Lou LamoriellO* isn't prone to a bit of a smirk when he sees other teams attempt to pull off a late-season coaching change. Does anyone really think having Bob Gainey behind the bench will make a difference for the Habs?

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*If you're new, TUC has insisted in the past that Lamoriello's wideset eyes give off a vibe of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. All he needed was the bouffant 1960's hair and a triple strand of pearls, right? Well, go check today's "Relevant Photo of the Moment" for one hot mess of a mash-up. Warning: You may want to put down your breakfast first.

(Ed. Note: In case you missed it...see below.)

A few belated thoughts on the hiring of Craig Hartsburg as the Senators' latest head coach:

It's funny how some NHL experience will placate people -- regardless of how unsuccessful it was. Hartsburg served unremarkable tenures in both Chicago and Anaheim before his extended stint in the OHL. So where were the most shining points on his resume achieved? At the world juniors -- specifically in '07 and '08 when he headed up the team and came home both times with gold.

You know what? That's lovely. Hell, some might even call it impressive. But that's not the NHL.

People will say that winning is the ultimate goal -- medal or Cup, it doesn't matter. With teenagers, however, there is a Sword of Damocles that you can whip out at any time. In short: Bust your ass, or you won't be getting a sniff of the NHL in this lifetime. THAT is the ultimate goal for a kid in the juniors. Everything else is a bonus. Common sense dictates this little ace up the sleeve doesn't work for professionals -- particularly ones that have suddenly gained the reputation of behaving like shiftless layabouts.

Will Hartsburg work out? No one knows. Here's a better question: With the way this offseason seems to be shaking out, does it really matter right now?

So where does this leave Pat Burns? Not here obviously, and that's extremely unfortunate. More intriguing perhaps is that he (or his name, for that matter) has not popped up in any other hirings around the league. There has been some swirling speculation on his absence in the proceedings -- let's hope it's only something as trivial as Jackie Lou LamoriellO not wanting to pony him up.

(Aside: What's with the "Jackie", you ask? I've maintained for some time that the Devils GM would look like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis if you slammed a bouffant wig and pillbox hat on his head. Lou's eyes are so wide-set, they're practically on either side of his face.)

Meanwhile, the other junior boy previously in the running -- Pete DeBoer -- got a free trip to Barbados out of Eugene Melnyk before heading off to experience the mad hotness that is the Toby Jug. I can't wait to see how that turns out.

More later.

Here's Paul Devorski on the phone during the review of the Vermette goal. I kid you not -- this photo is completely unaltered, with the exception of miniscule adjustments made for clarity. Wassup?! (Sincerely, The year 2000.)

And here's Tom Preissing demonstrating how the Devils must feel after tonight's game:



Two out of three Hart Trophy candidates obliterated. You can't help but like that.

There really isn't much left to say about this series that hasn't already been stated -- there were more turnovers than a badly run small business, and no real hatred or drama which made for little buildup during the off-days. This of course, has led to a full-blown obsession with Elisha Cuthbert and her appearance at the SBP during Game 4. I was there but didn't see her. (I was in the auxillary portion of the Scott Norwood Section -- at one point, I almost took out Bob Cole while going to grab a club soda between periods. I think he may have come up to my chin.)

"Elisha Cuthbert is in the building!!!" "She has hair like Rue McClanahan!!!" "She's eating fries!!!" "Everyone says she's dating Mike Comrie!!!" "I heard they're doing it!!!"

Seriously? What the (expletive) is this -- Degrassi: The Next Generation?

Here's a picture of Elisha from the game that I found on some guy's blog:



Hey Comrie: "Thank you for being a friend..."

Apparently the readers found the Cuthbert media coverage to be quite hysterical and "stalker-ish", to use their term. Here's Mike C.'s take:

"It's a hot actress and all they notice is she's eating a greasy snack? I'm betting these are the only things sportswriters care about: Chicks in hockey arenas and food."

Normally Mike, I don't think it takes a woman of Cuthbert's attractiveness to get them worked up into such a state. I mean, if I threw a bouffant wig and a pillbox hat on Lou Lamoriello, making him look like a dreadful facsimile of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, I bet at least half the press box would attempt to flirt with that hot mess.

(Aside -- for future reference, please attempt not to go "Brad Lidge" in your e-mails. It's just too damned easy.)

You've got to wonder though -- if the Rangers are up next, are all the male sportswriters in the city going to be walking around with notebooks shielding the fly on their pants?

Maybe Ottawa will be spared. Maybe they'll play Buffalo in the Conference Finals. Hurrah! More cliches! Anton Volchenkov's nightmares about Mike Grier! Daniel Alfredsson's unfinished business with Jason Pominville! More free-associating fans from the opposition with massive chips on their shoulders! It's more excitement than you can stand, damnit!

More later.

P.S. One last pic for this photo-heavy post: I'm told this cake was allegedly sent last night from a hotel in Times Square to another in East Rutherford, NJ. You have to look closely (photo was taken with a cell phone), but the icing reads, "Ram (a.k.a. Roy Mlakar) loves Boo Boo (a.k.a. Bruce Garrioch)":



How was this "wildly inappropriate" photo leaked? I'm thinking a lot of time and resources should be spent to get to the bottom of this. I mean, a lot.

More later.

(Scaroi!)

With a handful of games left, New Jersey assumes that lightning can strike twice -- they've fired head coach Claude Julien, and "Segmented Eyes" Lamoriello will be taking over behind the bench.

Can we see a show of hands of who's willing to take this job when it opens up again? You work towards something for ages, only to have it snatched away at the last second -- and the Devils have done it more than once. It's like a guy getting a chance to copulate with Jessica Alba, only to come down with a case of PE. So close, and yet...so far.