The Universal Cynic

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

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* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

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* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.

Worth passing on: The Driver insists that Nick Foligno looks like a Furby. Over-under on when the blog begins referring to him only as "Furbligno"? 48 hours. Get your action down now.

Two players, each with seven goals a piece. One is being paid 6-million dollars this year; the other will be getting $850,000. The difference goes towards heart, PK time, churchiness and tabloid titillation.

(Aside: Please don't give me a headache by turning this into something it's not. I know they're not the same player. I just find it hilarious that they have equal goal totals right now.)





Look at those odds. All that hard-fought tanking, and for what? Suck harder, damnit! (Yeah, yeah...I know. That line will be filming outdoors on a bare mattress in the San Fernando Valley this weekend. Come one, come all. OK, I'll just stop it here. Gimme a break -- it's Friday.)





The Toby Jug or the Cup of Demons? This picture was taken during the recent Florida-Toronto game. Now you know how Jacques has been weaseling his way into the playoff race: He's gone pure evil.

(Ed. Note: Thanks to Jason for the photo.)

Other miscellaneous crap...

- Interesting to watch the Senators play last night as if they actually gave a damn (emphasis on the first word of the sentence). And yes, I know Brian Elliott made some choice saves -- including in the shootout -- but mark my words: He is not the guy. He cowers too far in the back of the net, the positioning is questionable...and that's just for starters. For the record, you can put Sens goaltending coach Eli Wilson in the same category as Greg Carvel. Can someone explain why he's still here?

- Oh, check this out: Furbligno (hope you got your bets down in time) moved his feet on the PP, and good things happened. 15, you might want to take that down for future reference. Just saying.

- Finally, you can consider the following as your weekend Chewable...here, let me get the photo up so it feels official:



There we go.

Olympic champion Michael Phelps' recent public rendezvous with the bong has resulted in at least one sponsor cutting ties with him. Kellogg's announced yesterday that they were not renewing their contract with the swimmer.

Now I'm just hypothesizing here based on what I've heard, but isn't cereal one of the ultimate stoner foods? Sure, people might have a bad trip and put gravy on it instead of milk*, but along with Doritos and Cool Whip, I thought it was right up there. And just for the record, Kellogg's isn't trying to kill your buzz by only producing cereals like All-Bran and Corn Flakes. Did you know they're the ones behind Froot Loops? That cereal virtually screams, "burnout". They also make something called "Mini Swirlz". I don't know what those are, but they sound trippy. Do those go better with E? Do people still do E? I'll shut up now. Long story short: If I'm Phelps' PR man, I march into Kellogg's tomorrow to tell them that his client was attempting to identify with some of their loyal consumers.

Have a good weekend, cynics. More later.

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*I know what you're thinking. No, definitely not. But in high school, my best friend got kind of messed up one night and proceeded to jam a miniature statue of St. Jude up her nose (just the head) -- but that's only when she wasn't eating Miracle Whip straight out of the jar with her hands. Kids, don't do drugs.

"Hey, if Spezza hasn't done anything tonight, just throw his TOI up there! That's a relevant stat, right?"

Sigh.

Who's up for some redundant circling conversation? Let's talk defense! Chris Phillips lumbering behind the net to catch Fredrik Sjostrom, not thinking the Swede's pass to the point would be infinitely faster than No. 4's fumbling feet. The icing on the cake came when Fredrik was allowed to skate out to the side to actually score the goal himself. Stellar work. Oh, and please Brendan Bell, with your wobbly passes 15 feet off the mark -- save us from ourselves! If you listen closely, you can hear the 416 laughing their asses off.

Speaking of laughing -- if I hear one more person float the ludicrous idea of Jay Bouwmeester for Spezza straight up, I'm going to be accused of huffing nitrous oxide. You want to dangle for a semi-available quality offensive defenseman, and you think Kanata's favourite frat boy will accomplish that deed? Oh sure, no problem. You'll just have to get past this little obstacle first:



Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. I know long memories seem to be in short supply around here, but did you Mensas really forget about the relationship between Jacques Martin and Spezza? Martin had no patience for Spezza's (expletive) -- it showed, and then some. Being a defensive-minded coach, the idea of all that risky playmaking obviously sent shivers down his spine. Remember how long it took for all of us to truly see No. 19 for the first time? Remember how Jacques waited until the darkest hour during the New Jersey series in 2002-03, before he finally relented and put Spezza in the lineup? People took it out on Martin for not giving the kid a chance. We all insisted he'd grow up and balance out. Made sense at the time, didn't it?

The thing is, Jason's a grown man now (ahem), and his game has peaked on both sides. Those expecting him to turn into some sort of Yzerman v. 2.0, simply by buckling down and tapping into the Nepean water supply are only kidding themselves. Need some quick and dirty proof? Compare their respective skating abilities, then try and convince me otherwise. As for leadership -- do we really need to go there?

Jacques isn't blind -- he knows what's up. He had no time for Spezza when there was still an opportunity to mould him. Why on Earth would he want him now? Just saying.

Finally, one more blueline-related note: I've had more than my fill of the Senators' defensive sluttiness (for lack of a better word), and I know I can't be the only one. Have you honestly seen a team put up less of a fight when allowing the opponent into their zone? "Come on in, fellas! The more the merrier!" For God's sakes, I hope they at least bought you boys dinner first.

More later.

A few belated thoughts on the hiring of Craig Hartsburg as the Senators' latest head coach:

It's funny how some NHL experience will placate people -- regardless of how unsuccessful it was. Hartsburg served unremarkable tenures in both Chicago and Anaheim before his extended stint in the OHL. So where were the most shining points on his resume achieved? At the world juniors -- specifically in '07 and '08 when he headed up the team and came home both times with gold.

You know what? That's lovely. Hell, some might even call it impressive. But that's not the NHL.

People will say that winning is the ultimate goal -- medal or Cup, it doesn't matter. With teenagers, however, there is a Sword of Damocles that you can whip out at any time. In short: Bust your ass, or you won't be getting a sniff of the NHL in this lifetime. THAT is the ultimate goal for a kid in the juniors. Everything else is a bonus. Common sense dictates this little ace up the sleeve doesn't work for professionals -- particularly ones that have suddenly gained the reputation of behaving like shiftless layabouts.

Will Hartsburg work out? No one knows. Here's a better question: With the way this offseason seems to be shaking out, does it really matter right now?

So where does this leave Pat Burns? Not here obviously, and that's extremely unfortunate. More intriguing perhaps is that he (or his name, for that matter) has not popped up in any other hirings around the league. There has been some swirling speculation on his absence in the proceedings -- let's hope it's only something as trivial as Jackie Lou LamoriellO not wanting to pony him up.

(Aside: What's with the "Jackie", you ask? I've maintained for some time that the Devils GM would look like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis if you slammed a bouffant wig and pillbox hat on his head. Lou's eyes are so wide-set, they're practically on either side of his face.)

Meanwhile, the other junior boy previously in the running -- Pete DeBoer -- got a free trip to Barbados out of Eugene Melnyk before heading off to experience the mad hotness that is the Toby Jug. I can't wait to see how that turns out.

More later.

Happy belated Easter. Now then...

The blog has experienced an influx of oversexed puck bunnies who are all aflutter over the Phaneuf-Cuthbert post. I refuse to link to the site because the vulgarity and childish antics are a bit much. I just felt the need to mention their presence, lest they foolishly assume I am one of them.

I haven't posted anything in a bit because I came away from the Thursday home game with a lot of material that subsequently ended up in this week's column (these things happen when there isn't a lot to go on). If you want to check it out, click on the column index link on the right-hand side. And as for all the readers who felt the need to point out the misspelling in the title...all I can tell you is that I'm not responsible for that part of the column. Like it matters though, right? My freaking name's all over it (sigh).

As for the Toronto game, I won't lie to you: I recorded it because I was too caught up in March Madness. But when I did get around to watching it, I felt like projectile vomiting. People can bag on the Toby Jug all they want -- yes, his tenure here was ultimately unsuccessful, but dude knew how to implement a defensive system. The disorganization at the blueline makes me want to throw things. They're too busy chasing the puck around and forget to play the man. They swap sides for no apparent reason. Their physicality is completely inconsistent, and to top it all off you've got guys like Phillips attempting to direct the play because everyone's scrambling, but no one will listen to him. It's an unprecedented cluster(expletive). You barely beat St. Louis and can't keep it together to kill off the Leafs? Who in their right mind sees this team coming out of the first round?

I've been saying this privately for some time, but I'll say it publicly now: I'm so over it. Call me when free agency starts -- let's wipe the slate clean of all the scrubs and start fresh next year (unfortunately, Fisher will have to be the overpaid third-line mistake they're forced to live with -- he'll never be a second-liner, no matter how much you pay him). Wish they'd hurry up, though. Alfredsson isn't getting any younger.

Finally, I just wanted to mention this -- I'm not big on self-pimping, but I did see this over the weekend and thought it was a really nice thing to say -- especially on a board that's known for its vitriol towards the writers. I know a lot of you send me similar sentiments via e-mail, and your support is always appreciated. Thanks again.

More later.

Text message exchange between myself and a friend last night:

"Jacques (Martin) just took a timeout...WTF?"

"I know. Weird."

"He never does that. Normally he just stares up at the clock and says to himself, 'f*ck me.'"

"Wonder what he's saying now (during the timeout)?"

"That's all he EVER says."

Interestingly enough, both Dean and Gord noticed that Jacques appeared to be silent during the timeout, essentially rendering it pointless. Maybe he realized his mistake after the fact.

We also reminisced about Jacques' über-awesome television commercial for the Orleans jewellery store, La Maison D'Or. If anyone has access to that, I swear...I will pony up for it.

Finally, a tidbit -- consider this your Friday chewable...

The Sun blog reported last night that Sens president Roy Mlakar signed a one-year extension with the team. Frankly, we were kind of surprised, especially after Mlakar's reaction during this -- it seemed like all signs pointing to him pulling the plug after this season. And yet, he re-ups...but for one year? What's the point of that?

Let's just put this out there...

Don't you find it odd that Pittsburgh was able to land Gary Roberts for a song named Noah Welch? We were all told that Jacques had every intention of raping Ottawa -- all the variables were in place. 1) Roberts allegedly had only two teams in mind that he wished to join (Ottawa and Toronto); 2) Local buzz and talk from the team indicated that interest in Roberts was very strong and 3) Jacques, being the previous long-time coach of the team, knows the roster well and likely had a good idea who he wanted (i.e. Antoine Vermette or Patrick Eaves).

Now, if Pittsburgh had given up something larger for Roberts, we could assume that Muckler had decided that the cost was too high, and opted to bow out. But come now -- Jacques is currently talking up Noah Welch, but the kid has been sent down to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton five times, not to mention that he's coming from the Penguins, and we know that their D is weak.

If Jacques was willing to settle for this, you're left to wonder if he ever had any intention of dealing with Ottawa at all -- which also explain why we settled for Oleg Saprykin instead of making a bid for Martin Gelinas*.

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* I know Saprykin and Gelinas are both LW, and the major need for the Sens is on the blueline. However, if you're going to make a move, Gelinas would bring the type of leadership experience that the team seemingly can't produce, whereas Saprykin could flake on us, i.e. Tyler Arnason-style. Saprykin was a total impulse purchase -- the equivalent of purchasing something from the clearance section of Old Navy while out shopping with your friends. You don't buy something just because everyone else is.

P.S. More math that doesn't add up: I just saw a clip of Muckler on TSN, talking about Gary Roberts and what the asking price was. Muckler claims that he received a call, "last night at...I dunno...five to twelve or something like that, and we elected to pass". That's funny, considering that TSN had reported that Martin had found an acceptable trade partner on Monday MORNING for Roberts, and was simply waiting for the veteran to waive his no-trade clause. Why would Jacques call Muckler at midnight when he had already made a deal? And why would Muckler be waiting for a call, when he was the one supposedly pursuing Roberts? Wouldn't he be the one on the phone to Florida?