The Universal Cynic

From the "Oooh, he wants us!" files (courtesy of Globe On Hockey):

The word out of Pittsburgh is that veteran forward Gary Roberts will not return for another season with the Penguins. Roberts, 42, has been telling friends that he would like to continue playing, but only if he's wanted by either the Ottawa Senators or Toronto Maple Leafs.

Related: Commence Melnyk's freakouts

It looks like the octogenarian* dynamo known as Gary Roberts is cutting ties with Pittsburgh, leaving him free and clear to be obsessed about by Ottawa (and its front office) come July 1.

Few teams have experienced such internal trauma over a player they weren't able to obtain. This time around, it's Gary's choice again, and God only knows what he'll decide to do -- there's no Joe Nieuwendyk around to hold hands with. ("I know -- let's go to Florida together!") Seriously -- did that really happen?

Anyway, I fully expect everyone in this city to begin tripping out over this news. Sigh. As if Ottawa weren't annoying enough.

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* I know Roberts is 42, but the man dealt with minor a case of pneumonia during the playoffs. Who gets pneumonia in the spring? Next I'll be finding out that he buttons his pants under his chin.

(Ed. Note: Right now, TUC's aiming to use all the song titles from SNFU's "If You Swear, You'll Catch No Fish", despite their occasional grammatical errors. Deal with it.)



(Pictured -- Foreground: Chris Phillips/Wade Redden. Background: Gary Roberts. The second guy -- meh, I'm too tired to decide who that is.)

That's right, ladies: If you're so damned scared of Gary Roberts, you might as well scream and get it over with. At least we'd all know you were capable of showing some emotion.

It pains me to come after Phillips because I respect him as a player, but could he have looked any more like a deer in the headlights on that fourth goal? The old man was right there -- take him out, damnit! Redden has completely checked out of the game, both mentally and physically. He practically cowered in Roberts' presence on the first goal, and the coughing up of pucks in the Sens zone were enough to make your stomach turn. As for 14 -- taking an interference penalty instead of sacrificing for the hit during an icing call? Do we need to say any more? (Actually, yes...we do. Keep the freaking puck in your zone during the power play, and learn how to land a shot on net.)

And how about that comedy of errors along the end boards during the second involving Lee, McAmmond, Roberts and Laraque in various combinations? You've got 55 feebly hammering on Laraque's back, and the whole time Chris Neil is standing around doing nothing in the high slot. I guess he was prepping to go down the ice so the team could end up with 19 missed shots through two periods as opposed to 18.

That brings me to Bitch Point No. 3: Garry Galley's claim that the Sens missed many shots because the Penguins were in their shooting lanes was semi-valid, but what about this: Maybe if the club wasn't so predictable on special teams, the opposition wouldn't be able to do so? Just a thought. Strangely enough, I didn't hear anyone mention anything about whiffed shots (I saw quite a few last night), and that's been a problem for some time.

I also noticed Galley trying to explain how tired Nick Foligno must've been during the third goal (hence the reason for him gliding around, bent in half). Just for a refresher, here's what I said about Foligno when I saw him at the summer developmental camp last year:

Nick Foligno: It's obvious the kid tries hard, particularly with his skating, but he still needs a lot of work. His backwards skating was laboured, but better than some of the forwards I saw (see Zubov). Granted, that still isn't saying much. Foligno has initial bursts of speed which are impressive (10-15 seconds), but has difficulty maintaining stamina. He does carry himself with a great deal of confidence. What he's able to accomplish in Binghamton (when the time comes) will matter a great deal -- it'll mean the difference between him turning into a second-line contributor, or a third-line filler. Right now, I see the latter.

You looking for a bright spot? Here it is:



Yes, he looked like hell in the first, but those goals can't be pinned on him. He stood tall in the second (huge flipper save when Volchenkov went down), and did as much as he could to keep them in it through the third period. He's not Patrick Roy -- no one expected to be. The man can only do so much...and he can't score goals. Once again, the club let him down. I want to see him lose it on someone, just for the hell of it. He'd probably feel a lot better. Swiss seacow rage!

Volchenkov's not the only one with a bloody headache tonight. Sigh. More later.

P.S. An unrelated note, but worth mentioning: Both San Jose and Minnesota played Metallica tonight (the Sharks went with "Seek And Destroy" as they typically do when they come on the ice, and the Wild played "Breadfan" during a break, which was beyond awesome.)

(Worst Photoshop ever, but made me laugh, so it gets a pass. I found this over at The Book of Face -- anti-Angie groups encompass at least 60% of all found. My favourite one, simply based on title alone: Sidney Crosby Is An Advertisement Slut.)

Emails are still trickling in regarding Sunday's column. One the more interesting messages (when it wasn't chastizing us about Wayne Gretzky -- whaa?) had some thoughts regarding Crosby's perception if, say, he suddenly sported a different uniform. Here are the pertinent excerpts:

"Clearly you are not a fan of Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins. That's fine. You are entitled to feel however you wish. I am curious how much of it has to do with the fact that the Penguins are an American franchise and that is not one of the Original Six...If Crosby played for Ottawa or Toronto or Montreal the tune would sound a lot different."

Sigh.

The Original Six gaffe -- let's allow that to slide. What about this missive screams "American fan" to you? Oh, I don't know -- the idea that Ottawans would accept Sidney Crosby if he sported a Leafs or Habs sweater in the postseason (or at any time, for that matter)? You've got to be joking. Every Canadian that follows hockey, regardless of whether they care about them, is aware of the team rivalries in this country. And if the American media were doing their part, the U.S. fans would probably have a much better understanding of them. That being said, there are tons of sites, blogs etc., devoted to coverage of teams and specifically, Canadian rivalries -- may we present Exhibits A and B.

Here's what it boils down to: Putting Sidney Crosby in a Leafs or Habs uniform, and ultimately having him face the Sens in the playoffs would make the vocal displeasure from Games 1 and 2 look like a walk in the park. He would be despised. Vilified. Envision Darcy Tucker with a plethora of talent and pockets stuffed with Carmex. Oh, but he'll be in a Canadian uniform, so that'll make his North of the Border detractors love him? Yeah, we all care about those sorts of things so much these days.

A few leftovers from last night's game:

- About the Zamboni driver up there -- speculation is already beginning and some are wondering if Dany Heatley is dealing with an undisclosed injury. There's absolutely no jump to his game and he can't put anything away, even if it's gift-wrapped. His backhand specifically, is totally off the mark. It's gotten to the point where he's begun to hurt, more than help.

- Speaking of hurting more than helping: Barring a miracle, Wade Redden's time in Ottawa is undoubtedly drawing to a close. The turnovers, the lack of mobility combined with complete and utter weakness when faced with the likes of Gary Roberts -- this isn't working. Sporadic, well-played games will never justify a 6.5 million dollar salary. Is he leading off the ice? That's for the dressing room to know. What is known is if Redden were leading during play as-is, the series would be over by now...and tilted in the wrong direction.

- How did Mike Comrie go without a star last night? Another great performance from him.

- Let's just say it: Oleg Saprykin is as gritty as a triple-cream Brie, and rustier than a 1981 Honda Civic.

- Why is Gary Roberts allowed to bogart Emery's blue paint on a Penguins' PP without fear of reprisal? You know if it were the other way around, the old man would be cross-checking the Sens' player in the back, ad nauseam.

- Colby Armstrong won't be adored in this city anytime soon, but he gets points for this mature decision.

Hopefully today will be the last day where the media will incessantly remind us of who lost, rather than pointing out who won. Hopefully.

More later.

Let's just put this out there...

Don't you find it odd that Pittsburgh was able to land Gary Roberts for a song named Noah Welch? We were all told that Jacques had every intention of raping Ottawa -- all the variables were in place. 1) Roberts allegedly had only two teams in mind that he wished to join (Ottawa and Toronto); 2) Local buzz and talk from the team indicated that interest in Roberts was very strong and 3) Jacques, being the previous long-time coach of the team, knows the roster well and likely had a good idea who he wanted (i.e. Antoine Vermette or Patrick Eaves).

Now, if Pittsburgh had given up something larger for Roberts, we could assume that Muckler had decided that the cost was too high, and opted to bow out. But come now -- Jacques is currently talking up Noah Welch, but the kid has been sent down to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton five times, not to mention that he's coming from the Penguins, and we know that their D is weak.

If Jacques was willing to settle for this, you're left to wonder if he ever had any intention of dealing with Ottawa at all -- which also explain why we settled for Oleg Saprykin instead of making a bid for Martin Gelinas*.

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* I know Saprykin and Gelinas are both LW, and the major need for the Sens is on the blueline. However, if you're going to make a move, Gelinas would bring the type of leadership experience that the team seemingly can't produce, whereas Saprykin could flake on us, i.e. Tyler Arnason-style. Saprykin was a total impulse purchase -- the equivalent of purchasing something from the clearance section of Old Navy while out shopping with your friends. You don't buy something just because everyone else is.

P.S. More math that doesn't add up: I just saw a clip of Muckler on TSN, talking about Gary Roberts and what the asking price was. Muckler claims that he received a call, "last night at...I dunno...five to twelve or something like that, and we elected to pass". That's funny, considering that TSN had reported that Martin had found an acceptable trade partner on Monday MORNING for Roberts, and was simply waiting for the veteran to waive his no-trade clause. Why would Jacques call Muckler at midnight when he had already made a deal? And why would Muckler be waiting for a call, when he was the one supposedly pursuing Roberts? Wouldn't he be the one on the phone to Florida?