The Universal Cynic

This is an idea I pilfered from my dear friend - and Sporting News Radio superstar - Sean Pendergast (um...I mean Brian Beckner...), but tweaked just a bit to make it my own. (You can take the girl out of traditional media...) Anyway, I think you'll catch on quick. Let's get started, shall we?

* Hockey ultimately benefits from Canada losing at the World Junior Hockey Championships, because competition, not dynasties, are the lifeblood of any sport. FACT.

* TSN's bloated coverage of the tournament, combined with this country's bravado (largely shouted into a vacuum of indifference) has made it difficult for me to support Team Canada. FACT.

* Team Russia's celebrations should always be watched with subtitles. FACT.

* The swearing by NHL players/coaches on HBO's 24/7 never warranted such a bombastic reaction. FACT.

* 24/7 provides completely unguarded insight into NHL players' lives. CRAP.

* The only way you're going to see the true side of a player is with a NannyCam. FACT.

* Regardless, fans are happy with this unprecedented access, and love to hear players swear because it's "fun." FACT.

* I don't get it. FACT.

* The answer to the first Blind Item in this post is indeed, Pierre McGuire. FACT.

* This idea, of course, is... CRAP.

* Chris Phillips will be traded before the end of this season. CRAP.

* Chris Phillips' trade value is far less than the bright-eyed optimists would assume. FACT.

* Erik Karlsson is proving that he can be effective at the NHL level as an offensive defenceman. FACT.

* In the process, Karlsson is picking up some very bad habits (i.e. attempting to cut a swath to the net through four opposing players, inevitably leading to a turnover). FACT.

* Ottawa Senators head coach Cory Clouston will be fired before the end of the season. CRAP.

* So will Bryan Murray. CRAP.

* Why would Mr. Eugene bother now? He'll just let them walk in April. FACT.

* A meddling owner combined with a flailing team means you'll hardly have your pick of the litter when it is time to replace the front office. FACT.

* Cory Clouston shouldn't be the head coach, but he can't be expected to get blood from a stone. The talent just isn't here. FACT.

* The Sens have hit rock bottom. CRAP.

* Talk to me when you've missed the playoffs for a good five years or so - barring a major overhaul, that's where this club is headed. FACT.

More later.

"Hey, if Spezza hasn't done anything tonight, just throw his TOI up there! That's a relevant stat, right?"

Sigh.

Who's up for some redundant circling conversation? Let's talk defense! Chris Phillips lumbering behind the net to catch Fredrik Sjostrom, not thinking the Swede's pass to the point would be infinitely faster than No. 4's fumbling feet. The icing on the cake came when Fredrik was allowed to skate out to the side to actually score the goal himself. Stellar work. Oh, and please Brendan Bell, with your wobbly passes 15 feet off the mark -- save us from ourselves! If you listen closely, you can hear the 416 laughing their asses off.

Speaking of laughing -- if I hear one more person float the ludicrous idea of Jay Bouwmeester for Spezza straight up, I'm going to be accused of huffing nitrous oxide. You want to dangle for a semi-available quality offensive defenseman, and you think Kanata's favourite frat boy will accomplish that deed? Oh sure, no problem. You'll just have to get past this little obstacle first:



Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. I know long memories seem to be in short supply around here, but did you Mensas really forget about the relationship between Jacques Martin and Spezza? Martin had no patience for Spezza's (expletive) -- it showed, and then some. Being a defensive-minded coach, the idea of all that risky playmaking obviously sent shivers down his spine. Remember how long it took for all of us to truly see No. 19 for the first time? Remember how Jacques waited until the darkest hour during the New Jersey series in 2002-03, before he finally relented and put Spezza in the lineup? People took it out on Martin for not giving the kid a chance. We all insisted he'd grow up and balance out. Made sense at the time, didn't it?

The thing is, Jason's a grown man now (ahem), and his game has peaked on both sides. Those expecting him to turn into some sort of Yzerman v. 2.0, simply by buckling down and tapping into the Nepean water supply are only kidding themselves. Need some quick and dirty proof? Compare their respective skating abilities, then try and convince me otherwise. As for leadership -- do we really need to go there?

Jacques isn't blind -- he knows what's up. He had no time for Spezza when there was still an opportunity to mould him. Why on Earth would he want him now? Just saying.

Finally, one more blueline-related note: I've had more than my fill of the Senators' defensive sluttiness (for lack of a better word), and I know I can't be the only one. Have you honestly seen a team put up less of a fight when allowing the opponent into their zone? "Come on in, fellas! The more the merrier!" For God's sakes, I hope they at least bought you boys dinner first.

More later.

Disgusting, utter garbage. That's what I saw last night.

All the incessant goobering over Demi-Deity Fisher and Jesse Winchester didn't do a lick of good, now did it? It's the Canadiens, boys. Not cold fusion. As for Alfie -- can you have a Samson effect after a moustache removal? He looked like hell.

And the defence? Take a hint from Babyface Lee: If you have a 5 in your number, I want to see the back of you on a bus to Bingo. Defensive liabilities are one thing -- Joe Corvo was a liability. But dude could also QB a power play. Picard and Schubert are playing like AHL-level albatrosses and they contribute jack. Oh, and let's all continue to pretend that having Chris Phillips on the PP is normal and shouldn't be questioned. He'll contribute offensively! He won't get burnt out by the additional workload...why would he? It's Hartsburg's world, kids. We're just living in it.

As for Ruutu: The hit was one thing, and will likely make the rounds on the media circuit within the next 24 hours. However, it was his antics after he was tossed that really put me over the edge. All that gesturing and waving to the crowd was beyond bush league and exceedingly inappropriate, especially when you consider the Sens were down 3-0 at that point. The organization should be incredibly embarrassed by such an incident, but seeing how oblivious they've been to everything else these days, I'm sure they will interpret it as a lighthearted moment. Good times.

You're doing a bang-up job, boys. Keep it up.

Let's see a show of hands: Who assumed that Filip Kuba's size automatically indicated that he should be a physical player?

Or maybe here's a better question...

If we're going to go after big defencemen who really should be expected to play tougher, why don't we put Chris Phillips in the crosshairs?

News flash: Not all blueliners are built alike, and those who can't afford Chris Pronger tend to keep their defensive grit at home. Kuba was brought here for puck movement and offensive contributions. Was anyone really expecting anything else? (Insert Marcus Allen riff here.)

More later.

Honest to God, we just landed back in the capital all of two hours ago after a glorious four days spent in the Land of Staalapalooza. The Driver and I were getting ready to head back to Kanata (just as rush hour traffic was beginning -- stellar move), and decided to turn on the Team 1200 on the way. (We've been reading nothing but the Chronicle-Journal for the past little while, so it's going to take a couple of days to get back on the horse. Be patient, it'll come.) Anyway, we flip on the drive-time show, and the following bombs were dropped in a matter of minutes by the hosts:

1) "Chris Phillips should become an offensive defenceman" and "play a role on the PP";

2) "Brian Lee looks like he's been playing in the league for 4 to 5 years" (I don't care what happened while we were gone, there's no way this can be true);

3) One of the hosts was completely in the dark regarding the schedule and opponents for the games in Sweden.

I was so lovely and relaxed in the Lakehead -- 30 minutes back in Ottawa and that's shot all to hell. On the plus side, word came down today that Cody Bass has passed the latest round of cuts. Ottawa bloggers, commence with the virtual high fives.

More later.

(Ed. Note: Right now, TUC's aiming to use all the song titles from SNFU's "If You Swear, You'll Catch No Fish", despite their occasional grammatical errors. Deal with it.)



(Pictured -- Foreground: Chris Phillips/Wade Redden. Background: Gary Roberts. The second guy -- meh, I'm too tired to decide who that is.)

That's right, ladies: If you're so damned scared of Gary Roberts, you might as well scream and get it over with. At least we'd all know you were capable of showing some emotion.

It pains me to come after Phillips because I respect him as a player, but could he have looked any more like a deer in the headlights on that fourth goal? The old man was right there -- take him out, damnit! Redden has completely checked out of the game, both mentally and physically. He practically cowered in Roberts' presence on the first goal, and the coughing up of pucks in the Sens zone were enough to make your stomach turn. As for 14 -- taking an interference penalty instead of sacrificing for the hit during an icing call? Do we need to say any more? (Actually, yes...we do. Keep the freaking puck in your zone during the power play, and learn how to land a shot on net.)

And how about that comedy of errors along the end boards during the second involving Lee, McAmmond, Roberts and Laraque in various combinations? You've got 55 feebly hammering on Laraque's back, and the whole time Chris Neil is standing around doing nothing in the high slot. I guess he was prepping to go down the ice so the team could end up with 19 missed shots through two periods as opposed to 18.

That brings me to Bitch Point No. 3: Garry Galley's claim that the Sens missed many shots because the Penguins were in their shooting lanes was semi-valid, but what about this: Maybe if the club wasn't so predictable on special teams, the opposition wouldn't be able to do so? Just a thought. Strangely enough, I didn't hear anyone mention anything about whiffed shots (I saw quite a few last night), and that's been a problem for some time.

I also noticed Galley trying to explain how tired Nick Foligno must've been during the third goal (hence the reason for him gliding around, bent in half). Just for a refresher, here's what I said about Foligno when I saw him at the summer developmental camp last year:

Nick Foligno: It's obvious the kid tries hard, particularly with his skating, but he still needs a lot of work. His backwards skating was laboured, but better than some of the forwards I saw (see Zubov). Granted, that still isn't saying much. Foligno has initial bursts of speed which are impressive (10-15 seconds), but has difficulty maintaining stamina. He does carry himself with a great deal of confidence. What he's able to accomplish in Binghamton (when the time comes) will matter a great deal -- it'll mean the difference between him turning into a second-line contributor, or a third-line filler. Right now, I see the latter.

You looking for a bright spot? Here it is:



Yes, he looked like hell in the first, but those goals can't be pinned on him. He stood tall in the second (huge flipper save when Volchenkov went down), and did as much as he could to keep them in it through the third period. He's not Patrick Roy -- no one expected to be. The man can only do so much...and he can't score goals. Once again, the club let him down. I want to see him lose it on someone, just for the hell of it. He'd probably feel a lot better. Swiss seacow rage!

Volchenkov's not the only one with a bloody headache tonight. Sigh. More later.

P.S. An unrelated note, but worth mentioning: Both San Jose and Minnesota played Metallica tonight (the Sharks went with "Seek And Destroy" as they typically do when they come on the ice, and the Wild played "Breadfan" during a break, which was beyond awesome.)

...because we're dedicating SNFU's "Black Cloud" to Wade Redden.

Alright, so I promised you Hockey Night in La Jolla, right? A little background: The last time The Driver and I went to San Diego, we found a skating rink plopped in the food court of an outdoor mall. There was some feebly arranged peewee hockey being played, and the goalies didn't even wear pads or masks. That being said, the parents and rest of the food court was totally into it, and I thought, "How cool is this?" I made sure to seek out the rink the next time we came down, in the hopes that I'd be able to catch some more hockey, however pathetic.

This time around it was beer league -- proper equipment, although just as brutal. I wasn't planning on staying long...that was, until I saw the guy on the left skate past (click to enlarge):

The name on the back of his jersey was "Spunt". Best. Freaking. Name. Ever. Unfortunately, the dude skated like Brian McGrattan on muscle relaxants, but somehow that made me love him even more. Maybe it was all the beach time or my slightly sunburnt forehead, but I went into puckbunny mode -- chasing back and forth with the camera attempting to get photos while Sephora and Victoria's Secret bags dangled from my wrists.

(Aside: Despite the blog, column and my false bravado, I am still a chick who cares far too much about uncomfortable underwear and overpriced makeup. This is also worth mentioning: The Driver came into VS with me, and spotted some hot pink and black lingerie on display. He pointed at it and stage whispered to me, "Hart Foundation!" I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about -- the statement itself, or the fact I knew exactly what he was talking about. )

Anyway, back to the game. We were facetiously speculating on the past of the guy in the Phantoms jersey, when all of a sudden he fell about six times in a two minute span (including backwards through the gate in a move that was reminiscent of Midori Ito). The whole thing was so atrociously bad, I couldn't have possibly enjoyed it more. If you're ever in San Diego, track down the University Town Center mall and see it for yourself. It's totally worth it.

________

As for tonight...I don't know what to tell you, kids. Some of the things being said in the media have left me completely perplexed. Sarcastic or not, you can't encourage vicious injuries to the opposition. Furthermore, do you really want to see this team spend time in the box with three of its best PK men out with injuries? Shake yourself.

It's the defence that truly has me intrigued. The pairings are all over the map: 6-24, 4-44 and 14-55. It's the last one that really freaks me out -- if anything, Lee's got the calmer head of the two, but this is the playoffs and he's a neophyte.

Speaking of neophytes, can someone explain how Sidney Crosby gained a wealth of experience in five playoff games last year? "He's not green anymore! Look out!" I know his hockey intelligence is unsurpassed, but how's about we save these threats until he's played in the post-season for a few years?

Back to the D for a final thought: The blueline has got to step up their grit for this series -- it was an integral part of the team's success against Pittsburgh last year. I was talking to a friend about Phillips the other day and we both came to the same conclusion: Why doesn't this guy realize how effective he is when he plays with some toughness? Has he not been praised enough when he's done so? It's like dog training -- give the guy a ton of positive reinforcement when he hits someone. "Good boy, 4! Play that man!" Slap him on the ass, and send him out again. By the way, if Phillips were a dog, he'd be a St. Bernard. Yeah, don't tell me you can't see it.



Looks like Spunt needs a break, and frankly so do I. More later.

Joe Corvo to Ottawa media: "Eat it"

(Okay, he didn't say that -- but his play sure as hell did.)

The Driver was cheering for a hat trick, and I have to admit -- part of me was as well. I've made my stance on Corvo quite clear: I don't think he should have been a Senator to begin with, but I didn't condone the way he was treated. Is everyone through obsessing over the former No. 7, and can we put a stop to the juvenile name calling by the mainstream media? It's about time people grow up and let it go. Corvo's got scoreboard. Allow the guy have his day in the sun for Christ's sakes. He deserves it.

You want to throw a defenceman under the bus who's still with the team? I nominate Andrej Meszaros and Wade Redden for starters. The former might cause more blatant errors on a regular basis, but the latter makes me (expletive) bonkers. What the hell is Redden's damage, anyway? His words said he wanted to stay, but his play indicates anything but. His game is utterly passionless; he looks like he's barely going through the motions. This may seem harsh, but to me Redden personifies every negative sentiment that this team has been subjected to -- the soft, passive choking losers that naysayers expect the club to turn into come playoff time. I can't say that about other veterans on this team: Phillips always cranks it up in the post-season, and we all know what Alfie has done to redeem himself (and then some). I'm sure Redden must care, but damned if I can see it -- it doesn't look like he gives a (expletive) about his play for this team, but he has to realize it's going to have an effect on his future contract. Shouldn't he take that into consideration?

A couple more things for tonight...

How killer is that Carolina crowd? They used to get all kinds of crap for not showing any enthusiasm. They make the fans in SBP look like a joke -- granted, that isn't difficult to do. And by the way, their Howard Finkel kicks Stuntman Stu's ass.

The Manatee reserves the right to trip every Sens player boarding the plane home with his flippers. They hung him out to dry in Raleigh. And for the record, I've spoken for everyone and said that the fans love Gerber. Love him, damnit!

Did you get a look at Patrick Eaves' new shoulder pads? (I meant to take a pic but The Driver deleted the recording before I could get to it.) I'm surprised he doesn't get stuck in doorways with those things -- at one point, he was sitting on the bench and he looked like he was waiting to audition for a part in Dynasty.

More later.

P.S. Memo to the North Carolina readers being sent this way: I wasn't at the game yesterday -- the television coverage provided more than enough evidence in regards to your crowd. And while you're here, you also might want to check the pronoun usage in the "About Me" section in the top-right hand corner of the blog. Much obliged.

Here's a hint: He's orange. Hey, Bryan Murray...we know you're hitting SoCal on this road trip, but that's no reason to succumb to the Mystic Tan.

Some abbreviated and belated thoughts from Monday -- I'm under the weather, Blogger is acting up and I'm fading fast...

First of all...yes, I was one of those delinquents who stayed up to watch the Anaheim game -- keep in mind that traditional bedtime for the city is 9:30 pm...10 if they're feeling "naughty". This is a phenomenon The Driver and I refer to as "Large Vanilla Cone Syndrome". In short, when it comes to breaking out of their shell, Ottawans can't even do that right. It's like living amongst hundreds of thousands of Ned and Maude Flanders clones.

Anyway...about the game itself. Not a lot of surprises if you ask me, save for the score. I figured Ottawa would score one goal, but assumed the Ducks would garner 4 or 5. The only reason they didn't was due to The Manatee's relatively consistent play, and he deserves credit for that.

I kept hearing a lot of talk about how the Sens showed "so much emotion" during Monday's game. News flash: Frustration and fear are emotions, but they aren't the ones you want to be seeing during a game like this (or any game, for that matter). It's blatantly obvious that the Ducks are in their heads, and they aren't going away anytime soon. And keep in mind the latest victory was accomplished without Chris Pronger, after Lakehead boy Patrick Sharp disposed of him late last month with a hearty (but accidental) stick boosh to the jaw.

So what happened? The Sens got pushed around, and the fans subsequently freaked out over a lack of grit. Now all of sudden you've got people referring to Chris Neil as the second coming of Christ, and demanding that Brian McGrattan dress...or better yet, that the team call up Jeremy Yablonski from Binghamton. (That last suggestion kills me, by the way.) I even heard one radio host on the post-game show suggest that the Wild's recent attempt to turn into "Goonasota" was brought on Anaheim's physical dominance.

Look, Mensas: I know it may seem like semantics after the ridiculous officiating job on Monday, but there's a big difference between icing a bunch of scrappers who can't skate worth a damn for 6 minutes per game, and the Anaheim Ducks. Make no mistake: Anaheim is a dirty team, but it's their skill and balance over four lines that sets them apart. Yes, they do play "on the edge", but they're also willing to sacrifice their bodies to protect the puck, fight the battles along the boards, rock the trap and beat your ass in a foot race. I saw none of that from the Sens on Monday.

And for all this talk of how effective players like Phillips and Vermette (!) can be when they do choose to hit -- it's a bloody joke. When they "choose" to? Why are they choosing? Why aren't they simply doing? Here's your answer: They're soft. And personally, to say something like that about a player like Phillips bothers me, because given his size and decent speed, he'd be amazing as a physical blueliner. But dude doesn't have a mean streak, and it takes him far too long to get angry.

The Sens achieved post-season success by grinding down the opposition's defence. Anaheim takes that technique to another level -- throw in the trap, some balanced scoring and a fairly capable goaltender...it's over. Show me one team out of the Eastern conference that could handle that over a seven-game series. You think Pittsburgh won't have their snipers flattened? You think Hal Gill is going to save their ass? Montreal plays the Ducks on Sunday -- can't wait to see that.

One final note: I will say this about Anaheim -- their goal horn flat-out destroys. It's so powerful and resonant...just fantastic. Ottawa's goal horn reminds me of Ottawans themselves -- nasal and annoying. In fact, if Ottawa's goal horn were a person, it would sit right beside you in a restaurant when all other tables are vacant, then bitch to you about its rheumatoid arthritis without any prompting whatsoever.

More later (assuming that I'm semi-lucid).

Fantastic news coming out of the capital as the Sens nailed down integral defenseman Anton Volchenkov to a three-year deal, which will see No. 24 remain as a Senator beyond his first opportunity to declare unrestricted free agency.

UPDATE: Salary breaks down as follows: Volchenkov will get $2.1 million next season, $2.2 million in 2008-09 and $3.2 million in 2009-10.

UPDATE #2: Reports coming out late Tuesday stated that Chris Phillips will be avoiding unrestricted free agency, as he has signed a four-year, 14 million dollar contract with the Sens.

Consider this your Monday chewable...

Here's a clip from a piece in today's Sun regarding Anton Volchenkov and his busted beak:

It's believed Volchenkov was to have his nose straightened out yesterday to resolve the breathing issue and Muckler was optimistic Volchenkov would be able to play tomorrow night.

"I suspect so. They'll give him a (face) mask or something," said Muckler after Saturday's game. "(Losing Volchenkov), that really hurt us. He's our second-best guy and he gets a ton of ice time."


Chew on this:

1) If Volchenkov is the "second-best guy", who's the first? Wouldn't it stand to reason that it's Chris Phillips -- Anton's linemate and the guy that's entering unrestricted free agency on July 1st?

2) If Phillips and Volchenkov are Nos. 1 and 2 respectively, what does that make Wade Redden? No. 3?

3) If Volchenkov is up for RFA this year (and he is), how fast do you think his agent clipped that quote out of today's paper? Hell, if I were his agent, I'd save the whole paper, write "kindling for arbitration" on it, use it to wrap a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, and send it to Muckler himself. After all, it's not every day that someone helps his client break the 2.5 million dollar barrier, simply by making an off-the-cuff compliment.

Regarding tonight's 6-2 loss...

- It's plainly obvious that Emery is bothered by his nagging wrist injury. On several occasions tonight, he wasn't fully extending (he may have contracted Gerber's alligator arm ailment by sharing his glove), and appeared to be protecting said arm during any pushes to the net.

- Can we also talk about Ray going down to his stomach too early? This was blatantly evident during the second goal. If he wants to go down, he needs to activate his legs (Hasek would do this, sometimes flinging them back and up in a last-ditch attempt). When Ray drops, he remains sedentary. It might be time for a yoga class or two.

- Chris Phillips isn't doing much to sell people on the idea that he's a big player who can remain consistently effective in the new, fast-paced NHL. His penalties mainly consist of ones that impede progress of the opposition, which would suggest that he can't keep up. The irony is that Chris Phillips is surprisingly quick for a player of his stature -- making his infractions all the more frustrating.

- Glenn Healy pointed out that Alexander Ovechkin had all of his broken sticks immediately returned to him by officiating staff, because if a member of the Senators were to get ahold of them, they would plainly witness AO's illegal curve, and have him penalized. Healy's wording, likely unintentional, made it sound like the referees were anything but objective towards Ovechkin's equipment.

- And finally, the one thing you didn't want to see in HD tonight: The NHL employees working the penalty box at the Verizon Center. There were far too many closeups of septuagenarian heads that have definitely seen better days.

P.S. We can't believe we almost forgot to give a mention to Lakehead boy Danny Bois for not backing down to Donald Brashear.

Consider this an explanation...

I wrote this week's column on the Senators' excess of Wade Redden-type defensemen. It's my belief that Ottawa has a plethora of blueliners who fit into the mould of No. 6, and not enough traditional stay-at-home guys. And it's ironic, considering that the team believed that Redden's attributes are difficult to replicate (one of the biggest reasons why they resigned him).

Anyway, the Redden replicas went on a tear tonight, scoring five of the seven points put up by Sens defensemen.

How bloody infuriating, especially considering that they were seven shades of brutal during the Avs game on Thursday.

Regardless, I stand by my argument because a) I believe the defense's offensive output tonight was an aberration; b) Chris Phillips is consistently one of the best players during the second season (the season that matters) and they could use more of his ilk during that critical period and c) as long as players like Jason Spezza continue to cough up the puck, you need someone who won't get caught up trying to join the rush, because he was in too deep at the other end. Basically, you need someone that's a safe precursor to the heart attack-inducing expense known as Martin Gerber.

In short: I'm not trying to be a downer; I'm not looking for the negative stories when everyone will be concentrating on a badly needed redemption game. I wrote this column on Wednesday. I am forced to write the columns early, because of scheduling. It almost always works out. Tomorrow it won't, and I'll look like an a-hole.

Now you know why.