The Universal Cynic

This is an idea I pilfered from my dear friend - and Sporting News Radio superstar - Sean Pendergast (um...I mean Brian Beckner...), but tweaked just a bit to make it my own. (You can take the girl out of traditional media...) Anyway, I think you'll catch on quick. Let's get started, shall we?

* Hockey ultimately benefits from Canada losing at the World Junior Hockey Championships, because competition, not dynasties, are the lifeblood of any sport. FACT.

* TSN's bloated coverage of the tournament, combined with this country's bravado (largely shouted into a vacuum of indifference) has made it difficult for me to support Team Canada. FACT.

* Team Russia's celebrations should always be watched with subtitles. FACT.

* The swearing by NHL players/coaches on HBO's 24/7 never warranted such a bombastic reaction. FACT.

* 24/7 provides completely unguarded insight into NHL players' lives. CRAP.

* The only way you're going to see the true side of a player is with a NannyCam. FACT.

* Regardless, fans are happy with this unprecedented access, and love to hear players swear because it's "fun." FACT.

* I don't get it. FACT.

* The answer to the first Blind Item in this post is indeed, Pierre McGuire. FACT.

* This idea, of course, is... CRAP.

* Chris Phillips will be traded before the end of this season. CRAP.

* Chris Phillips' trade value is far less than the bright-eyed optimists would assume. FACT.

* Erik Karlsson is proving that he can be effective at the NHL level as an offensive defenceman. FACT.

* In the process, Karlsson is picking up some very bad habits (i.e. attempting to cut a swath to the net through four opposing players, inevitably leading to a turnover). FACT.

* Ottawa Senators head coach Cory Clouston will be fired before the end of the season. CRAP.

* So will Bryan Murray. CRAP.

* Why would Mr. Eugene bother now? He'll just let them walk in April. FACT.

* A meddling owner combined with a flailing team means you'll hardly have your pick of the litter when it is time to replace the front office. FACT.

* Cory Clouston shouldn't be the head coach, but he can't be expected to get blood from a stone. The talent just isn't here. FACT.

* The Sens have hit rock bottom. CRAP.

* Talk to me when you've missed the playoffs for a good five years or so - barring a major overhaul, that's where this club is headed. FACT.

More later.

Ottawa head coach Cory Clouston in the post-practice scrum on the difficulty of shadowing players: "You used to be able to almost rape a guy."

How is this appropriate? Sens PR, we await your response. I hope it comes with an apology.

Credit to Dan Seguin's Twitter for this.

P.S.: And before anyone makes an "oversensitive" remark, you might want to take a look at your daughter, wife, sister or mother before you get back to me. Much obliged.

The media has already begun to ponder Cory Clouston's odds in the Jack Adams race at the end of the season. The latest coach of the Senators has seen some success during this season, working with a hodge-podge of a club that at the moment, is in the playoff hunt (although the likelihood of any post-season triumphs is obviously questionable).

Take your chewable in small bites this week: 1) Will Cory Clouston get a shot at the Jack Adams if the Sens make the playoffs; 2) Regardless of whether he has a chance to win it or not, expectations for the young coach are bound to rise, and fan support is still at a very fragile stage (see ticket sales). Can he continue to handle the pressure?

More later.

Once again, the details: The Ottawa Senators traded Dany Heatley and a fifth-round pick to the San Jose Sharks for Jonathan Cheechoo, Milan Michalek and a second-round pick.

I've never been a huge fan of post-trade analysis -- I find it to be predictable and boring. Furthermore, there's only one person I like to hear post-trade thoughts from: You might know him as TSN's Hedgehog (and he's far more concise/accurate than any blogger).

That being said, I thought I'd take a page from the blog's title and offer you some thoughts on what I don't expect to happen due to this trade. These opinions stemmed from the swap itself, and some of the reactions I've read thus far.

1) I don't see Cheechoo on the first line. Seeing some of the imaginary lines being drawn up by fans are killing me. One in particular, Cheechoo-Spezza-Alfredsson, has me in stitches. Guess what, kids? Cheechoo is a RW. But that hasn't stopped some fans from engaging in pipe-dream trios:

"I'm sure Cheechoo would rather learn LW than be relegated to a 3rd/4th line role again. There's no way he moves Alfie or Kovalev out of position."

Let me get this straight: You're desperately hoping that Cheechoo -- an injury-prone player and recent underachiever -- will not only pick up the offensive slack lost with Heatley's departure, but will also be able to play effectively at LW? Good times, Ottawa! Oh, and that extra bit about not having the ability to move Alfredsson or Kovalev? Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.

2) I don't believe this trade will change Jason Spezza's game. I was reading Twitter yesterday as analysis of the trade began to fall out -- one of the takes that left me flabbergasted was the idea that Spezza could have a breakout year, and become a two-way player. Shhh...listen. Do you hear that? It's the sound of Jacques Martin laughing his ass off. Jason Spezza, barring a miracle, has peaked as an NHL player. He's a playmaker, and an immature one at that. The argument that he could turn out to be a late bloomer like Steve Yzerman needs to be left by the wayside. If that's what fans are expecting, they better not hold their breath. Bank on it.

3) I'm not expecting Milan Michalek to blossom into an offensive powerhouse. To be sure, I feel better about the addition of Michalek than I ever could about Cheechoo. However, Cory Clouston seems insistent about returning the Senators to a more responsible game (which is obviously a good thing). Anyone expecting some version of firewagon hockey in the nation's capital will be sorely disappointed. In short, I expect Michalek to serve as a secondary scoring boost -- not a primary scoring replacement.

4) I don't know how Alexei Kovalev is going to handle the pressure. When he signed as a Senator, Kovalev was viewed as a strong boost to secondary scoring that the Senators desperately needed. The only problem is, Ottawa now is deficient in primary offense, and Alexei will likely be expected to pick up some of the slack. Depending on his state of mind at the time, this could either work out well, or end up as a monumental disaster.

5) I don't see this move as being make-or-break for Bryan Murray. I wish I did, but the GM will likely skate again if the trade blows up in his face. Sens owner Eugene Melnyk thinks that Murray can do no wrong, and if the move goes sour, it will be blamed on Heatley's decision to force Murray's hand into a trade he wasn't completely satisfied with.

As for Dany Heatley, that's that. He arrived with much promise, and departed as a total disappointment. Meanwhile, the Senators' drama level drops, but for how long? This club lacks the ability to avoid it for any extended period.

More later.

Cory Clouston's press conference took place yesterday afternoon, and the response we received was hardly a shock.

The Ottawa head coach was largely measured in his description of the drama surrounding Dany Heatley, verbalizing that the winger's role wasn't diminished in his opinion, and he was attempting to distribute scoring chances among the players.

To be fair, the Senators have always faced issues with secondary scoring -- Clouston could attempt to gear it up by switching things around, but history has shown it rarely works in lengthy doses. Heatley was, and still is regarded as the team's go-to guy for points (despite being a one-trick pony while doing so). Even if he wanted to legitimately reduce No. 15's role as punishment, the coach couldn't afford to do so.

That being said, The Driver brings up a relevant question:

"If Heatley thinks his role was diminished last year, what will his role be if he comes back and now he's fighting Kovalev for ice time?"

The newly-minted Clouston gained the confidence of fans and the front office with his effort to right a sinking ship last season. He will be looked upon to start this year out on the right foot, and it wasn't setting up to be an easy task, even prior to the Heatley circus. He could attempt to placate Heatley by getting him his touches, but how will that sit with a headcase like Alexei Kovalev (and vice versa)? Could you play them on a line together? Of course, but you get the feeling that there would be a visceral reaction from one or both if things weren't split right down the middle.

Clouston handled himself well yesterday, which couldn't have been easy, given the way he's been dragged into this mess (and regardless of the mounting evidence that suggests there's more to the story). One initially thought he had a pile of work to conquer if he had a chance of surviving a mid-season changing of the guard. That pile -- assuming that Heatley makes an appearance -- is beginning to look like Mt. Everest.

More later.

Once again, courtesy of James Gordon via YouTube.

James Gordon has begun to report the details of the Cory Clouston presser. Analysis to come as more details emerge.

Head coach Cory Clouston is scheduled to speak to the press any minute now. More to come.

Initially charged this summer with the Sisyphean task of depositing the disgruntled Dany Heatley with some unfortunate buyer, Senators GM Bryan Murray may now have to consider what life (and the cap) could be like if No. 15 stays in the fold.

Owner Eugene Melnyk has already coughed up the required $4-million bonus, and the attempted swap involving the Edmonton Oilers turned into a fiasco that led absolutely nowhere.

So, what exactly, would Dany Heatley have to fear by staying in Ottawa?

Here's your answer: Absolutely nothing.

Oh sure, we've all heard about the "wrath" of the media. But keep in mind that Ottawa is unlike any other Canadian hockey market. To outside observers, it offers the cachet of a north-of-the-border team, however, players don't face the same sort of feet-to-the-flames treatment as in other cities. The capital's traditional media remains largely sheathed in situations such as these. True, they have a voice, but it's rarely one that the intelligent sports fan can take seriously. Any attempts at emotionally-based vitriol come off as juvenile, and any diplomatic observations tend to ring hollow. Naturally, there are exceptions, of course. (Aside: I'll leave you to obsess over who they might be. For me, the Citizen's James Gordon comes to mind. What say you?)

If the media won't make Heatley's life a living hell should he return, what about the fans? Keep in mind, this is the same group that could barely remember to boo Alexei Yashin five visits into his stint with the Islanders, and are content to allow Leafs, Habs and even Penguins fans to overrun their building. Sens fans aren't the type to put "For Sale" signs on players' lawns, or burn their likeness in effigy. They're passive, and if Heatley returns and goes on a blazing streak, they'll also become incredibly forgetful for the time being.

That just leaves the head coach, Cory Clouston -- the alleged impetus in this entire drama. Here's the thing about the Senators' coaching situation as of late: It's become like the weather -- wait a while, and it will likely change. Clouston was given a great deal of credit for getting the Sens back-on-track towards the end of last season (and was rewarded for it by having the "interim" tag removed from his title). But barely righting a team on the brink of disaster when all post-season hope was lost can only be taken with a grain of salt. Essentially, Clouston gave a successful refresher course on the basics -- and Ottawa did show some signs of cohesion under his tutelage. This is the young coach's first NHL gig -- does he have any legitimate tricks up his sleeve to truly get this franchise on the right track, or will he just be another in line to cast aside? Based on recent history, Dany Heatley, should he stay, likely wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

In short, the road would be rocky in the beginning if Heatley were to remain an Ottawa Senator for whatever reason. However, it's important to remember that this city, and all its facets, remains a very soft touch within the National Hockey League. Whatever Dany Heatley potentially faces if he does leave the team, will be far worse than anything he could possibly experience if he stays.

Yep, it's looking that way. Despite having their playoff hopes all but dashed, it stands to reason that the Senators will remove the "interim" tag from Cory Clouston's job title next season. This boy wonder (who's actually 39 but appears to have serious embryonic tendencies) has likely done enough in the organization's eyes to warrant a legitimate shot at a full season.

When Clouston was hired, I expressed my unhappiness to friends about the timing of the move. Basically I pictured it playing out like this: There were enough games left in the season for the Sens to show some life, and therefore encourage the front office to keep Clouston on. However, there was nothing preventing the team from tanking again after the summer break, and I wasn't convinced that Clouston had a worthy bag of tricks to pull a team out of the slump (it's a different story when you're attempting to accomplish it, and you're no longer the "fresh face"). Then what happens? Are you forced to pull the trigger yet again, ending up with another former employee on tab? Hell, I was already making Raiders jokes before the last firing.

Like so many other facets of their franchise, the Sens don't have a lot of options in this area. There's no cap on coaching, but to fork out big cash for a name only to potentially end up with the same result is a moot point. In short, don't expect to see Pat Quinn's Party Bus (credit SLC) roll up to SBP any time soon. It'll continue to be discussed -- mostly because we have nothing else to talk about -- but bank says it's a done deal.

On the plus side, if it doesn't work out, they can donate Clouston to stem cell research and keep Alfie going for an additional 3-5 years.

See you Monday-ish. More later.