The Universal Cynic

This is an idea I pilfered from my dear friend - and Sporting News Radio superstar - Sean Pendergast (um...I mean Brian Beckner...), but tweaked just a bit to make it my own. (You can take the girl out of traditional media...) Anyway, I think you'll catch on quick. Let's get started, shall we?

* Hockey ultimately benefits from Canada losing at the World Junior Hockey Championships, because competition, not dynasties, are the lifeblood of any sport. FACT.

* TSN's bloated coverage of the tournament, combined with this country's bravado (largely shouted into a vacuum of indifference) has made it difficult for me to support Team Canada. FACT.

* Team Russia's celebrations should always be watched with subtitles. FACT.

* The swearing by NHL players/coaches on HBO's 24/7 never warranted such a bombastic reaction. FACT.

* 24/7 provides completely unguarded insight into NHL players' lives. CRAP.

* The only way you're going to see the true side of a player is with a NannyCam. FACT.

* Regardless, fans are happy with this unprecedented access, and love to hear players swear because it's "fun." FACT.

* I don't get it. FACT.

* The answer to the first Blind Item in this post is indeed, Pierre McGuire. FACT.

* This idea, of course, is... CRAP.

* Chris Phillips will be traded before the end of this season. CRAP.

* Chris Phillips' trade value is far less than the bright-eyed optimists would assume. FACT.

* Erik Karlsson is proving that he can be effective at the NHL level as an offensive defenceman. FACT.

* In the process, Karlsson is picking up some very bad habits (i.e. attempting to cut a swath to the net through four opposing players, inevitably leading to a turnover). FACT.

* Ottawa Senators head coach Cory Clouston will be fired before the end of the season. CRAP.

* So will Bryan Murray. CRAP.

* Why would Mr. Eugene bother now? He'll just let them walk in April. FACT.

* A meddling owner combined with a flailing team means you'll hardly have your pick of the litter when it is time to replace the front office. FACT.

* Cory Clouston shouldn't be the head coach, but he can't be expected to get blood from a stone. The talent just isn't here. FACT.

* The Sens have hit rock bottom. CRAP.

* Talk to me when you've missed the playoffs for a good five years or so - barring a major overhaul, that's where this club is headed. FACT.

More later.

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

_________

* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

_________________

* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.

...because I miss solid food.













* Hey, Peter Regin -- welcome to your latest shot with the Ottawa Senators! Everyone seems to believe that we have significant scoring depth, and we're happy to keep up that facade for as long as possible! Only problem is, we still don't have a real No. 2 centre, even though we pay Mike Fisher to serve as one! So if you'll do us a favour and slip into that role, we'd really appreciate it! Oh, one more thing -- we're going to put No. 12 on your wing in the hopes that it will light a fire under his ass from an offensive perspective! We hope you don't mind carrying that albatross around with you! But hey, you helped him get a hat trick in the pre-season! Let's just hope he didn't blow his load for the year! Wow, that was gauche of me to say! Sorry about that! Enjoy your stay in the capital, and take care of that pretty face of yours!
_________

* So, Ilya Zubov doesn't want to go to Bingo, eh? Wow. I'm. So. Shocked. What did I tell you about this kid? Shades of freaking Kaigorodov, that's what. And just like the White Knight, many Sens fans had Zubov penciled in on the big team for several years, and it never came to pass. Why? It's because the kid's got no drive, and his conditioning is (expletive). It really is unfortunate, because there is some talent there. However, if he's just going to ask like a lazy (and whiny) arse, he can bugger off. It should be amusing to watch the Brothers Murray attempt to get something for him.

__________

* Oh yeah, and the others: The German Ginge? Called it (hardly difficult). Babyface Lee? Expected it. Accept it, Ottawa: He is not going to be your top offensive defenceman. (Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.) Now I get to sit around and watch them torch Karlsson, I suppose? Ack. That being said, I really have been loving the dynamic between Erik and Alfie. It's like Crosby and Lemieux with less a-hole vibe, and more lingonberries.

More later.

(Aside: Whenever I see this photo, I hear Kang -- the alien from The Simpsons -- saying, "Eat! Grow large with food!")

No, this doesn't have anything to do with speed reading. But it does involve the Senators' own type of accelerated progression, and the risks versus rewards.

Talk to any Sens fan about the future, and Karlsson's name will immediately come up. He's the bright spot; the next great hope for Ottawa during what has been a dismal couple of years at both the farm and NHL level. Karlsson is also an offensive defenceman -- a position that has gone without a proper identity in the nation's capital for some time (even when players like Wade Redden were still here).

The weight on Erik's slight shoulders doesn't stop there. The 19-year-old Swede sparkled at the 2009 World Junior Championships, and won the tournament's award for "Best Defenseman." This was the first true opportunity for the Ottawa crowd to see their blue-chip prospect in action, and fans were anxious for more. Karlsson has also been playing for the Frolunda Indians of the SEL since the 2007-08 season (in addition, he logged seven games with Boras HC late last year). This experience has allowed the media to push the notion that he might be a boy, but he's playing among men, and therefore is likely further along in his development than other blueliners of his age.

Karlsson's hockey history obviously shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt, but here's the deal: Defenceman always require extra grooming and care before playing in the NHL. He still needs to adjust to the North American style of play -- ice size, season length and the sheer wear and tear of the game. Karlsson (like a great deal of Swede players) is mobile and capable with the puck. Sens fans are dying to see this approach once again at their blueline. However, he still needs to polish his defensive game and put some meat on his bones. Stats currently have him listed as 5'-11" and 175 lbs. Take a gander at EK during training camp this week, and see if you can believe that.

Sens fans have all but fallen in love with their upcoming d-man. They adore his style, his boyish face and his entertaining sound bytes. Not only is Ottawa hungry for a premiere representative on defence, they also miss having someone who can peak their interest off the ice in a positive way. Combine all this with one more fact: The reality that Brian Lee -- the previous No. 1 drafted blueliner -- has yet to pan out, and you realize that expectations are bordering on unrealistic for young Erik Karlsson. What happens if he's rushed into a spot on the team, and becomes overwhelmed? Ottawa seems fully of the mindset that once Erik comes, he's staying up here.

Everyone wants Erik Karlsson to succeed so badly, and the last thing the Sens need is to set him up for failure. That being said, Ottawa should think long and hard before awarding him a spot on the roster this October. Things are rough in the nation's capital right now, but it might be better if Karlsson remained a future hope in the minors with the proper time to develop, as opposed to a present disappointment in the majors.

More later.

Here's the thing: I know everyone was in full-on goober-mode after the Sens' "character win" vs. Buffalo on Saturday. Yes, very good -- Ottawa was able to pull off a shootout victory after almost blowing it in the third. Miracles can happen, and dogs can live with cats (as Miss Sherry pointed out in an OBC post-game e-mail).

Wins should make the fans happy, right? Nothing else matters? Uh, no -- not on this blog. Not when all I wanted to do was tear Brian Lee's emaciated limbs off (now there's a visual).

I get it -- he's still quite young (he'll be 22 next month). I understand that he's only played in 33 regular season games. I acknowledge that defencemen take longer to mature, and I know the hammer can be brought down only so hard, OK?

But I'm still bringing it.

Defenders of Lee might want to remember that he played in all four of the Sens' post-season games last year. You'd think such an opportunity would make a kid quite nervous. However, it also would have forced him to work through his fears, and perhaps, calm down a bit.

It sure as hell didn't appear that way on Saturday. If you're looking for a prime example, check out the Sabres' first goal. Lee skated behind the net with the puck, and was obviously waiting to make the breakout. When Tim Connolly dared to skate in and forecheck (gasp), Lee freaked out and in his feeble attempt to dodge a hit, he expectorated the puck right into Buffalo's lap.

(Aside: Should someone have come in to help him as soon as Connolly made his approach? No doubt, but we've been dealing with that problem all year. That still doesn't justify Lee putting the priority on not being jostled as opposed to protecting the puck. Could you imagine him on the streets of Mumbai? Would he just stand there and scream in the manner of Ned Flanders or similar? That's the way I picture it, but I don't know if he can hit such a high pitch. Someone snap the little darling with a wet towel and get back to me.)

The "don't touch me" attitude reared its ugly head again late in the third, when Lee sensed an opponent lining him up along the boards as he was skating up ice. So what did 55 do? He got rid of the puck by dumping it in -- except he did it prior to hitting the red line. Pointless icing when the game is tied? Not hot, Babyface.

Since drafting him in 2005, the Ottawa Senators have all but admitted that Brian Lee was meant to pick up where Wade Redden left off. Are you buying what they're selling right now? This panic-stricken kid who shuns all body contact* is supposed to be the next franchise offensive defenceman? Who's been grooming him?

Oh, that's right -- Cory Clouston. Should he have a go at Erik Karlsson next?

Go ahead and chew on that. More later.

____________________

*Yeah, I know. In some ways, he's a Senator already, isn't he?

Welcome to your first post for 2009. It almost didn't happen because, frankly, I was a bit burnt out on the whole idea. But then, two things happened:

1) I had to fire the old girl up last night to help someone obtain a bit of information that I knew I had kept on here, and I got a bit sentimental about it;

2) You bloody people wouldn't leave me alone.

"Erin, what's wrong with the blog? Why can't I see the blog? When's the blog coming back? Why don't you love me anymore? Do these pants make my ass look big?"

(Okay, only a couple of you included the last sentence in your missives, but you get my drift.)

I couldn't answer every e-mail, but the point is -- I was on a break. Now I'm back. Breathe...it'll be okay. Thank you for your patience, and as always, your commitment to my sports-related insanity via deciphered binary code.

Let's catch up, shall we? Here's what went down while I was gone:

1) The Driver and I did quite a lot of the World Junior thing -- I thought the Swedes were the mad hotness for most of the tournament, and watching them throw up all over themselves in the final was pretty brutal. (Hurrah for the homeland and all that good stuff. Uh, I guess.) I'm in solid agreement with most that Erik Karlsson definitely is on the right track, and will likely be in a Senators uniform sooner rather than later. His play gets a bit too pretty at times, but that can be remedied with the correct grooming. I think he's further along in his development than Brian Lee was during his stints at the WJC (keep in mind at that time, the U.S. defence was quite deep and Lee's contributions were minimal at best -- the Swedes also brought a detailed blueline core, and many agree that Karlsson was at the forefront of the group).

(Aside: Thanks to JB for all his hook-ups during the tournament. Dude, I owe you a couple of beers or a trip to California. I'll let you pick which one.)

2) US Weekly approached me to dig up dirt on Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood. Seriously. For the record, I didn't do it. Check it out: This is me being nice in 2009.

3) I've received an offer to go fishing with the Hanson Brothers this summer. Seriously (reprise). I'm still mulling it over because I'm paranoid I'd fall out of the boat. That being said, it would've made for one hell of a column, if Sun Media hadn't allocated my salary towards hot air balloon repairs. Stay tuned on this one.

4) Regarding The Manatee: Sigh. In the end, I put him in the same category as Joe Corvo -- it didn't work out, but let's get real: He never should've been brought here in the first place, and a lot of the expectations could be connected to the fact that he was overpaid. That's not his fault. Gerber was a good teammate who never rocked the boat, and handled so much of the unnecessary drama in Ottawa with an unbelievable amount of class. Swim on, Sea Cow. Best of luck to you.

5) I was in Vegas recently and witnessed the AFC and NFC championships from the MGM Grand's sports book. Good times, bad smoke. To say there was an unbelievable amount of action on the Cardinals would be the understatement of the century. (By the way, I kept looking for a line on how many times Kurt Warner would thank Jesus after the big win. There were none. Lunacy.) Anyway, The Driver is pleased as all hell because The Buzzsaw is his 1a team, after the Chargers. (Just to clear things up: I am not dating Will Leitch. There was another dude who liked the Cardinals before all this happened. I just happen to live with him.)

I know, I know. "What does this have to do with hockey?!?" Calm down, chickadees. I'm getting to that.



Here were the odds to win the Stanley Cup this year for all 30 teams, as of January 12th. Your degenerate gamblers call these "futures bets". And yes, you're reading that correctly: The Senators -- after starting the year at 12/1 -- were an 80/1 bet as of mid-January. The freaking Kings had better odds than that. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Eugene. (More on him in the next post, by the way.)

Anyway, I wasn't in Vegas to bet on football or scrutinize the hockey odds -- I went down to see Pennywise and the Circle Jerks (then Pennywise again with Pulley the next night) at the House of Blues. Here's a clip from the show, which includes footage of the biggest man I ever interviewed. And don't bitch to me about how this has nothing to do with sports. My blog, my rules. Next you'll be expecting me to turn into some lankster who plays bass guitar on the side. Wait...what?



Yeah hey, says I. It's good to be back. More later.

P.S.: You'll also notice for the first time in years (literally) we're giving the peanut gallery a trial run. Media and professional franchises, govern yourselves accordingly -- anonymous comments are difficult to pull off when the joint is rigged with site meters. Just saying.

...because the draft had an overabundance of moustache representation, and to my knowledge, we were nowhere near a gay bar.

By now you've probably heard about the enormous cluster(expletive) which occurred when the NHL hung our Internet access at this year's Entry Draft out to dry. We weren't hooked up again until late into Day 2 -- by that time, the Scott Norwood Section (representing for Kukla's Korner) felt as overhyped and ineffective as a Wade Redden-Andrej Meszaros pairing. Explanations, updates and apologies were very few and far between (it's worth noting that the online access was also down for Day 1 of last year's draft in Columbus). This inconvenience left a fair amount of time for fuming, gossiping and general observation of a bizarre nature. Although it pales in comparison to the scope of the event, one of The Other TSN's favourite moments occurred when a local writer (who's been under the gun lately) went running past while exclaiming, "This is so exciting!" All that was missing was a starched pinafore, balled fists and a Shirley Temple wig. Oh, and in case you were wondering: The real secret behind Detroit's front office success? Pistachios. Lots of them.

Speaking of Detroit, it was entertaining to see which teams were following their line of thinking at the draft. It's part of the new NHL -- "Success According To (current Cup champions)." Now to be fair, the Red Wings are the only team capable of laying any type of claim to the word "dynasty" right now. But for teams playing catch-up, the situation becomes more interesting...particularly when you're talking about the backpedaling that's involved.

Take, for example, James Duthie's interview with Senators GM Bryan Murray, post-No.1 pick. In the first round, Ottawa took Swedish defenceman Erik Karlsson, and traded up in the draft to do so. The blueliner is listed as being 5' 11" and 165 lbs (apparently the scouting reports left out the "soaking wet" part). Karlsson is labeled as a two-way defenceman with great mobility and passing skills, which allegedly makes up for his lack of size.

The Sens' first-round picks in last two years were Jim O'Brien ('07) and Nick Foligno ('06). Both are at least 6 feet, and Foligno, who was present during draft proceedings, has noticeably bulked up during the off-season. Duthie asked Murray point-blank about his sudden about-face. "You sat with me here last year, and said that big, strong players win championships." Pea Soup's response was unremarkable -- something to the effect of going after the best players available -- but you can't help but think Murray was suddenly willing to change his mindset, after witnessing what Detroit accomplished with mobile defencemen that didn't share DNA with a California Redwood.

All teams will try to mimic the moves of a Cup champion to some degree, but the Senators' feeble attempts seem far more blatant. It's like following fashion -- right now, Detroit's haute couture (bank says that's the first time that sentence has been written). Ottawa is like the chick in Des Moines with a scrunchie in her hair, flipping through a March '99 issue of Cosmopolitian. The Sens lack an identity of their own, but they're also behind on the trends and incapable of figuring out what works for them.

Oh, and about that Chris Kelly signing? Sure, it's nice to retain the speed and PK ability, but what's up with paying above the position? Now Ottawa is paying Mike Fisher as if he's a No. 2 centre, and Kelly as if he's a No. 3 -- yet neither puts up the offensive totals required (47 and 30 points respectively last season) to hold those roles on a permanent basis. But that doesn't mean we won't see both of them in said spots next year, right? Good times!

More later.

P.S. Something that definitely wasn't expected -- TUC received a lot of praise from various media (who will remain anonymous) for this controversial post. It was bizarre, but very nice to know that the effort was appreciated.