The Universal Cynic

Since 2010 began, many Ottawa Senators fans have been happy to throw out a phrase to anyone who they deemed a naysayer: "Mental toughness."

The ironic thing is, mental toughness doesn't truly display itself when you're riding a double-digit win streak. Everyone's mood is happier, their step is lighter and it's not the most difficult situation for a team to be in, trust.

And that's why the latest loss an old foe -- Toronto -- is actually a good thing. 1) It involved a rival; 2) It was against a team that by numbers, should have been easier to beat and 3) They were stymied by a goaltender who they were unable to solve all evening.

Days of yore, much? You're damn right.

Mental toughness doesn't come from admiring your work from atop the highest peak. It comes when you've been repeatedly kicked in the mouth, and you keep getting up. Regardless of their opponent's current position in the standings, Ottawa needs to smack the hell out of Calgary tonight to put things back on track. It won't make them a Cup contender, but it will go a long way in showing what they might be capable of.

More later.

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

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* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

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* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.

(Alternate title: TUC: The No. 1 Sens-related choice for monster T.O. blogs)

Two interviews, courtesy of A View From the Cheap Seats. The subjects are a couple of my favourites: Down Goes Brown and Pension Plan Puppets. The interviews are an interesting read, and they both referenced yours truly. This automatically means I can no longer kick them in the shins on initial glance -- I have to now buy them each a beer first (oh, and obviously, reciprocate on the pimping).

The interview with Down Goes Brown is here, and PPP's is located here.

P.S.: Credit to CapsChick for conducting these questionnaires. They've been great so far.

From Garrioch at OTP:

Wilson claims to not care about the media and then says he thinks the media in Ottawa is looking for mock Gerber.

Fans would be intrigued to see how Gerber does. It's no wonder attendance is slipping in the NHL. Guys like this genius behind the Toronto bench don't get it. They don't get it all. When there are empty seats in buildings around the league a genius like Wilson might understand selling the game. It's the story everybody wants to see.

Mock? I don't know how effective they'd be at it, but bank says some barbs would be thrown. As for Gerber being the selling point behind a Battle of Ontario match-up -- good God. Isn't the tradition and majesty of hatred enough?

Hmm...I guess not. Capital Tickets is reporting "fewer than 2,500 tickets remaining" for tonight's game. Rock that walk-up crowd, Ottawa!

From the "TUC Finds This Strangely Interesting" files:

In 2006, certain choice readers of the column referred to me as an "idiotic woman who (didn't) know what (she was) talking about" when I said that a) now-New York Ranger Marc Staal should have been drafted by the Sens in '05 and b) the Battle of Ontario had lost its spark.

In 2008, these opinions have become common knowledge -- in fact, to state so will likely encourage mocking for pointing out the blatantly obvious.

Alrighty then.

P.S.: On an unrelated note, here's one for those from the Lakehead: Alex Auld will now be known as "Mount Baldy". Epic? Damn right.

Who's up for purchasing merch sight unseen on this fabulous Monday? According to their website, that's what the Sens want you to do. The above photo is accompanied by the following blurb on the team page:

Your Senators are Back in Black this November when they face the New York Rangers on November 22 at 3pm. Great seats are still available - visit capitaltickets.ca to get yours today and be the first to see the Sens hit the ice in BLACK!

Pre-order your Black jersey before November 21st and receive an RBK Hockey hat with your order!


Um...and?

I don't know about you, but I kind of like to know what I'm ordering before I throw my cash down. Naturally the jersey doesn't appear on the Sens' online store or at shop.nhl.com. And sure, I get that they're trying to be stealth about it, but give me a break. We all know the team is going to ice this happy crap on the 22nd. It still doesn't change the fact that they're trying to push something without full and proper knowledge of the product.

And now, your bonus bit...

Being forced to watch the Leafs-Rangers game on Saturday reunited us with our old frenemy, Perry Pearn. I wasn't that fond of Pearn's work when he worked under the Toby Jug, but you may have noticed a lot of verbal humping going on during the Rangers' PK. It came with good reason -- the aggressive forecheck that the Rangers' D uses at their blueline during penalty kills is extremely effective. Yes, they lost to the Leafs that night, but check the scoreboard -- all of Toronto's goals were scored during 5-on-5 play.

More later.

...because all we have to say to The Driver during San Diego Chargers games is, "Your QB's a d*ck."

The following is a transcript taken from Coach's Corner on October 11th:

Don Cherry: "(John) Tavares is now supposed to be No. 2 (in the overall rankings for the 2009 NHL Entry Draft). They've got (Victor) Hedman -- a Swede naturally -- (ranked) as No. 1. You've seen Tavares so many times, you start picking on him. He broke Gretzky's junior goal-scoring record, he's leading the league right now and he's got 18 points in 9 names, yet we keep picking on him. Of course, Leafs management said (to hurt the kid's feelings) that there are no franchise player out there. Think about what he's done, and the kid hears that. But the Leafs -- you don't have to worry about it because he's from Ontario. They will never pick him. Listen to this: Seven of the top 10 draft picks this year were from the OHL. Top four were from the O. In the last 5 drafts, the Leafs have drafted 18 foreigners and 3 from Ontario. So some say, 'Why are you so upset?' Because I'm out amongst the kids. I see them wearing their (Leafs) toques, hats and jackets. They love the Leafs and they never get a chance to play for them."

Oh, my. Where to begin?

1) Do you get the idea that Don Cherry's hot on the OHL? Look, he's correct about 7 out of the top 10 picks from the '08 Draft -- they did come from the OHL. But if we're to assume that the Ontario Hockey League continues to pump out such high-quality talent, then the Leafs would have to remain fantastically mediocre and/or pony up some quality trade bait (ahem) in order to have access to these gems. Is that what you want, Don?

2) Last time I checked, Toronto's defence wasn't the most formidable group on the planet. If they think Hedman will help them more in the long run, that's their business (again, assuming they get the pick).

3) What the hell is all this nonsense about hurt feelings simply because a kid may not get the opportunity to be drafted by Toronto? What happened to being grateful just for the chance to play professional hockey? To be fair, I'm not posing that question to the eventual prospects -- any draft pick I've met has demonstrated nothing but joy at the idea of being taken by an NHL team. The city didn't matter -- they just wanted to have their name called, and slip the jersey over their heads. It's foolish to think that players don't have favourite teams going in, but to be quite frank, there's only one prospect in recent memory who was relatively candid about where he wanted to go. That player was Drew Doughty, and I'm guessing the only reason why he admitted it was due to the way the stars were aligning. Doughty had been a long-time fan of the Kings, and was slated to go high in the Draft. In 2008, Los Angeles had the No. 2 pick, and selected Doughty with it. But I can say in Doughty's defense that he claimed he'd be happy wherever he ended up. The sentiment seemed sincere, and I believed him during our interview. Barring the rare exception (i.e. Eric Lindros), draft picks seem to readily embrace their new franchise when chosen. That's what makes this whole "Toronto's going to upset the kids if they don't draft them" idea so ridiculous. Besides, who's to say they won't get a chance to play for the Leafs later on in their career? Although....

4) Let's have a look at some of the recent players who wanted to "live the childhood dream" of playing for their beloved Leafs: Eric Lindros. Mike Peca. Andrew Raycroft. Jason Blake (although he did score a goal the other night, so maybe things can turn around for him). Good times, right?

In short: Methinks John Tavares' precious little heart won't be broken for long if doesn't end up in the blue and white. But if the Leafs want him -- or any other high-ranking OHLer for that matter -- they'd better get to tanking (insert obligatory Marcus Allen riff here).

***

Listen...do you hear that? It's the sound of Sens fans obsessing about their former players. The latest ex-Senator to earn the spotlight is Black Cloud Redden, whom Ottawa supporters have undoubtedly noticed during the New York Rangers' hot start to the season. The former (and current) No. 6 has three points with his new team -- 2 G, 1 A. Question Of The Day: Is this really worth tripping out over? BFD, says I. A Redden offensive renaissance is hardly unexpected right now -- new team, new "attitude"...for the meantime. And keep in mind that just because he's been scoring recently doesn't mean he won't continue to (expletive) up like mad in his own end. Watch and wait...you'll see.

***

And finally, from the media files...

From The Ottawa Sun's Digital Faceoff on Saturday, entitled "Can the Sens win a Cup with Gerber in Goal?"

Bruce Garrioch: "Don, you should adopt (Alex) Auld as your man. A good North Bay boy like yourself..."


Alex Auld was born in Cold Lake, AB, but he's as much an Albertan as Dany Heatley is German. Auld calls Thunder Bay home, not North Bay. They're nearly 1,100 kilometres apart, and take it from someone who knows: There is a difference. A petty barb? Likely so, but it seems Ottawans have a difficult time understanding that life exists beyond the 705. After 11 years, I've grown more than a little tired of it.

(Memo to the media -- let me spare you the trouble. "Erin, stop being such a (expletive) bitch. You've never made a mistake before?" Probably have, but never about that. Trust.)

More later.

A random assortment of bits and pieces as we sit around and wait for the Meszaros situation to resolve itself -- an event better known at TUC HQ as "CulletWatch '08".

· James Gordon from the Citizen's Hockey Capital blog has provided the Senators' relevant numbers from THN's Ultimate Fantasy Pool Guide. As expected, the points projections blatantly point out issues that the club continues to ignore. Here's what THN is projecting for Ottawa in 2008-'09:

Jason Spezza -- 101 pts.
Dany Heatley -- 101 pts.
Daniel Alfredsson -- 91 pts.
Antoine Vermette -- 55 pts.
Mike Fisher -- 48 pts.
Chris Kelly -- 33 pts.
Nick Foligno -- 27 pts. (Second line, here we come!)
Dean McAmmond -- 25 pts.


If you think that's dramatic, you should see how it's presented in the magazine. The bar graphic has a huge swath of empty red down the middle -- in essence, representing the virtually non-existent secondary scoring for the club (at least on a consistent basis). It's the equivalent of a staircase with a 20-foot drop after the first three steps. Offense, from the first line to the fourth, must regress at an appropriate pace. 50+ point differentials within the top six forwards leave the Sens looking as disproportionate as Pamela Anderson. This isn't going to end well.

***

Some positive Sens news (depending on your point of view): Roy Mlakar has been named CEO of the Year by the Ottawa Business Journal.

***

· Someone needs to check if Mats Sundin has owned a cow or two back in the day, because dude sure knows how to milk it. The whole pensive/indecisive Swede act is so played out. Just toss him in The Brass Rail and throw away the key.

(Aside: I'm very big on Leafs/strip club references/stories. If "Prurient Interests of the Toronto Maple Leafs" was a category on Jeopardy!, I'd totally destroy.)

***

· In non-hockey news, TUC has been recruited into a fantasy football league by some of the old-school legends from The Jim Rome Show. Notable participants include Jim's show contributor/booker/(expletive)-disturber Jason Stewart, Seanny The Cablinasian (who now hosts a drive-time show on 1560 The Game in Houston) and the elusive Kerwin in Riverside, among others. Something tells me it'll start off competitive, only to digress into drunken Tour Stop stories of yore. Details will surely follow as the weeks progress.

More later.

Expect things to be quiet around here for a bit -- I caught some sort of American superbug in San Diego and it's taking its toll. Hockey Night in La Jolla is still coming. As for last night -- just a few thoughts...

- The media who bitch about the Sens not dishing out repercussions with any degree of sincerity are hilarious. How long have you watched this team, ladies? Chris Neil is good for a yapfest, a pointless 10-minute misconduct and the occasional pee-wee toe drag. That's about it.

- I've replayed the tape in HD slo-mo at least 15 times. It was not a hit to the head, and Alfie has admitted as much. Bell caught a bit of his chin, but it was largely a shoulder to shoulder hit. The way 11's helmet sprang like a champagne cork had much more to do with his head issues. He should consider himself lucky that he came down on his shoulder first, but watching his bare head hit that ice is just brutal. As for the hit itself...what do we call that around here, kids? That's right -- Mustang Ranch. Just 'cause it's legal doesn't make it right.

- To me, it looks like 11's knee injury came from the blow as well -- there was no knee-on-knee that I saw. Alfie's right knee is bent inward as he took the shot, then the force of Bell's hit sent it immediately in the opposite direction. It was a side-to-side motion that could've caused some wrenching of ligaments. As for Fisher? You could sneeze on the dude and his knee would blow out. Damned if I know what happened there. 12 says Bell went knee-on-knee on him. I'll go look for it.

- Don't expect Bass to keep up that type of offensive production, but if he could, that's the type of fourth-liner this team desperately needs. I also woke up to some e-mails this morning, asking for "Kick his ass, C. Bass!" t-shirts. I want to, but...does Ottawa get this joke? Give me your thoughts, and we'll see how it progresses.

- And from the "Sorry, but it's true" files: At least this team now has a built-in excuse for tanking in the playoffs (assuming they get there). Should they use it? No. Will they? Do you even have to ask?

More later.

The following is a transcript taken from last night's Hockey Night In Canada broadcast, immediately after the Leafs' victory over the Canadiens. Don Cherry and Ron MacLean were discussing the upcoming Devils-Isles tilt that would ultimately decide the Leafs' fate, and who would be starting in goal for New Jersey:


Cherry: "Not a good thing if (Lamoriello) doesn’t play (Martin) Brodeur tomorrow – you have to be fair on this here. I remember I had the Boston Bruins we were home free, we couldn’t lose, and I played (Gerry) Cheevers because you’ve got to be fair and if he plays (Scott Clemmensen), that’s not fair."

MacLean: "Scott Clemmensen, the word is about 98% that they're leaning towards (Lou Lamoriello of course is the coach) that they’re putting him in."

Cherry: "I’m just saying it’s not fair if you don’t go 100%. Also, say a guy brings his son to the game, he pays 300 bucks the whole deal and he wants to see (Martin) Brodeur, it’s not fair, that’s all I’m saying. It’s not fair, and he’d better play him or someday down the line Lou’ll want a favour too."

Whaa?

Come on now -- I know no one expects in this day and age for Don Cherry to be unbiased, but do we need to make lame excuses for a desired New Jersey victory to soften the blow? You need to be "fair" because ultimately one day "Lou'll want a favour too?" Yeah, I'm sure that guy's really concerned with something like this. You undoubtedly want to be sure that you have the Leafs' back, after all.

Oh, and nice effort to drag the poor father-and-son scenario out -- apparently waiting all this time to see Martin Brodeur, and are throwing down a chunk of change this aft to come and see the child's hero, only to be thwarted by the vicious buzzkill known as Scott Clemmensen. I guess the only chance said father and son had to come to a home game prior to this was October 19th -- that's the last time this season that Brodeur didn't play on home ice.

And Don, one more thing -- if you really interested in keeping it even, should Jersey be playing their third-stringer from Lowell against Wade Dubielewicz?

Fairness -- what a concept. Hopefully both teams will come together at the conclusion and share a bowl of orange slices. Let's bring back ties, while we're at it. That way, everyone wins!

A few questions to answer here regarding Thursday's PPV post, so let's get to it.

Q -- Do you have proof of the Leafs fan giving the alleged finger?
A -- You tell me. Check out what appears to be the man's daughter attempting to keep her father in check. Funny.

Q -- Where are you getting these photos of the broadcast from?
A -- I record the games via PVR, pause the PVR on something noteworthy, whip out my digital camera, and the results end up on the blog. Some will look better than others, and that largely has to do with the quality of the broadcast feed (hint, hint).

Q -- When Rob Brodie referenced your blog and wrote that you had included the printable comments, what did that mean? What didn't you include?
A -- That actually had to do with an email conversation I had with Brodie before that post was made. I mentioned to him that I had received feedback from the readers about the PPV, and that the printable comments were to appear on my blog. What didn't I include? Anything mean-spirited or lascivious, but a lot of it centred around the "suspicious questions" -- as one reader put it -- sent to Dean and Gord via email during the game. One query in particular, really rankled a lot of readers. I can't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase -- it first complimented D & G on their ability to criticize the team, and then asked if they dealt with any negative attitudes from the team because of it. Obviously an unbelievable amount of irony comes into play here, considering that the duo are notoriously known for handling the Senators with kid gloves.

Q -- What were you doing watching the game at home on PPV when you have a seat in the press box?
A -- The Driver and I have a long-standing policy of not attending Leafs-Sens games. The crowd's multiple personality disorder puts both of us in a horrible mood. In addition, I wanted to see if any improvements had been made to the overall quality of the PPV broadcast, and wanted to do so without having to sit through 5 hours of hockey.

(Aside -- why did it take Sens fans this long to realize that they should be booing Mats Sundin in retaliation for the Leafs fans treatment of Daniel Alfredsson? Talk about taking the scenic route to one's cerebral cortex.)

More later...and once again, golf claps to the Sun's Rob Brodie for his mention of TUC on Remote Control.

- You may have heard some complaining that the Stanley Cup was not present at last night's *cough* celebration and ceremony for the 1967 Leafs -- the last Toronto team to win the Cup. Screw Stanley -- it looks like Dave Keon could've used a pimp chalice instead. Note the red lining, and the matching gait of the dude walking behind him. Who is that dude? His expression seems to indicate that he's never been prouder or more comfortable with his sexuality at this very moment. "Hell yes, I'm walking with Dave Keon who's wearing a 3/4 length fur coat with red lining! Jealous much?" 10 to 1 says these two split a bottle of Remy Martin in the ACC's basement after the game.

- Re: The afternoon game's between-period commentary -- if you're going to have two guys named Kitchen and Galley working together, may I suggest that the CBC put them both in chef's aprons and refer to them the as Redundant Duo.

- I caught a portion of Friday's Penguins-Devils game on TSN. Claude Julien's horseshoe was overdue for a trim, and well, it wasn't hard to make this correlation:



Don't blame me for being harsh -- it was The Driver who pointed it out.

Anyway, I know it's not customary for me to do Leftovers before a Deglaze, but we're having some issues with our roof over here at TUC HQ, and it's been taking up all of my time. I'm still receiving your emails re: the restricted access -- I'm shocked by the amount of interest, and I want to thank all of you for your continued support. If I haven't responded to your request yet, rest assured that all of your addresses will be saved in case we go private again.

More later...yeah hey,

E

The utterly ridiculous lead-in on a Sportsnet.ca story:

Pity the poor Tampa Bay Lightning. They have to play the Maple Leafs on Tuesday night, and Toronto is so hungry for a win after going winless in seven that the Bolts could get battered.

In spite of the criticism during the preseason and the endless questions surrounding his anointment as Ottawa's No. 1 goalie, Martin Gerber stepped up huge tonight, holding off the Leafs and garnering a 4-1 victory to open the season.

There's no doubt that Gerber kept the Sens in it, particularly during the first when Phillips decided to begin solidifying any UFA arguments for him to leave this summer, along with Anton Volchenkov taking the plunger to any of his future trade value.

And about Gerber: Frankly for me, he's going to take some getting used to. He's very smooth -- as if his joints were all replaced with ball bearings -- but he's not as crisp as Hasek. That being said, he's also a lot more calculated with his movements. My only pet peeve (and this is carrying over from the preseason) involves Gerber's constant searching for the puck. He manages to stave off the goals, but I can never feel confident about a goaltender who is perpetually checking behind him.

Other bits and pieces...

Good to see Andrej Meszaros finally shake off the cobwebs -- he was looking atrocious in training camp.

Dean McAmmond -- the only time I really noticed him was during missed scoring opportunities. I've come to expect a lot from the old boy of late, seeing as Gord Wilson hasn't stopped talking about him since mid-September. Eventually I pondered that McAmmond should be grateful for Wilson's recent vasectomy, because what Gord was doing could potentially be described as verbal humping.

Can we talk about timing, because something's definitely off. A Sens player would skate in on Raycroft (usually whomever was on centre), take the shot, allow the rebound to come out, only to have the RW skate too far and end up behind the net -- leaving him way out of position for any second chances. It was like watching drunken virgins experimenting with the rhythm method. Could we attempt to synch it up a little better than that?

Phrase of the night: "(Leaf player) wins the faceoff..." Fill in the blank with Michael Peca, Mats Sundin or similar. Is anything ever going to be done about this?

And speaking of Sundin (and before I forget):





Minus the hair...oh, and the blood. Of course.


P.S. We make our glorious return to Butterknife Row tomorrow night! Let the high school hijinx begin!