The Universal Cynic

Yay, dear friends, do not despair, for I have not forgotten you. The news -- the glorious news -- of the Swedish Messiah's arrival on the West Coast last night has left me faint. I could barely finish my red meat-laden meal with The Driver, let alone the vodka-grapefruit chasers.

O, let us come and marvel at the Canucks' new deity. Let Mike Gillis swaddle the saviour's alabaster skin in polyester jerseys, then nestle him in a manger outside GM Place for all media to worship.

Praise him! Praise him, damnit! He is your king now!

(You know, at least until he blows out a knee or something.)

Just a couple of bits and pieces to round out the week...

If we're treated to one more piece of Sundin-related news, we'll gouge out our eyes and jam them into our ears (thanks to The Driver for that disturbing description). We've enjoyed the reaction to the local spin thus far -- although it's interesting that fans are making a fair amount of reference to Sundin's age. To act as if Gangrel would be the sole cause of greying up the team is rather funny -- apparently the misconception that Ottawa continues to ice a club of zygotes continues unabated. Remember when this interesting factoid made news last season? And yes, the roster has changed significantly since then. But for the record -- notable off-season pickups Jason Smith, Jarkko Ruutu and Filip Kuba are all over the age of 30 (34, 33 and 31 respectively). Are they as old as Mats? No. But they're not young pups, either. People need to remember this team isn't built on the babyfaces of yore.

***

Meanwhile, over at Scarlett Ice, Sherry is doing her part to remind the Sens that Cody Bass deserves consideration for the big club this year. Okay, so the Ottawa bloggers might have their own motives for wanting to see Bass at SBP this year. Poly-cotton blend, anyone?

***

This weekend is setting up to be an interesting one at TUC HQ. The Driver's craptastic San Diego Chargers are facing our beloved Broncos in the first notable AFC West game of the season. (Monday night, although fabulous, didn't really count. Oakland is a joke.) The Driver is in a weird place right now -- he and the Senators haven't seen eye to eye in some time, and things with the Chargers aren't going the way he had hoped. First came the devastating injury to Shawn Merriman, then the unexpected loss in Week 1 to Carolina...in short, he's been pouting a lot. That being said, we did get him to admit that Chargers QB Philip Rivers is a fussy bitch, which was a totally epic moment for yours truly. And our boy can play it down because he's good like that, but for the record -- if Rivers attempts a repeat of that jawing crap he pulled on Denver QB Jay Cutler last year, we'd fully encourage No. 6 to stab Rivers in the ass with an insulin needle on the sideline.*

(Aside: If you're ever in the mood to relive the magic and insanity that was "Dress Up Jake Plummer", go here.)

Finally, a quick message of love and support to our old-school friends in Texas who are prepping to battle Hurricane Ike. We're thinking of you...be safe.

________

*That's a joke, ladies. Calm yourselves.

A random assortment of bits and pieces as we sit around and wait for the Meszaros situation to resolve itself -- an event better known at TUC HQ as "CulletWatch '08".

· James Gordon from the Citizen's Hockey Capital blog has provided the Senators' relevant numbers from THN's Ultimate Fantasy Pool Guide. As expected, the points projections blatantly point out issues that the club continues to ignore. Here's what THN is projecting for Ottawa in 2008-'09:

Jason Spezza -- 101 pts.
Dany Heatley -- 101 pts.
Daniel Alfredsson -- 91 pts.
Antoine Vermette -- 55 pts.
Mike Fisher -- 48 pts.
Chris Kelly -- 33 pts.
Nick Foligno -- 27 pts. (Second line, here we come!)
Dean McAmmond -- 25 pts.


If you think that's dramatic, you should see how it's presented in the magazine. The bar graphic has a huge swath of empty red down the middle -- in essence, representing the virtually non-existent secondary scoring for the club (at least on a consistent basis). It's the equivalent of a staircase with a 20-foot drop after the first three steps. Offense, from the first line to the fourth, must regress at an appropriate pace. 50+ point differentials within the top six forwards leave the Sens looking as disproportionate as Pamela Anderson. This isn't going to end well.

***

Some positive Sens news (depending on your point of view): Roy Mlakar has been named CEO of the Year by the Ottawa Business Journal.

***

· Someone needs to check if Mats Sundin has owned a cow or two back in the day, because dude sure knows how to milk it. The whole pensive/indecisive Swede act is so played out. Just toss him in The Brass Rail and throw away the key.

(Aside: I'm very big on Leafs/strip club references/stories. If "Prurient Interests of the Toronto Maple Leafs" was a category on Jeopardy!, I'd totally destroy.)

***

· In non-hockey news, TUC has been recruited into a fantasy football league by some of the old-school legends from The Jim Rome Show. Notable participants include Jim's show contributor/booker/(expletive)-disturber Jason Stewart, Seanny The Cablinasian (who now hosts a drive-time show on 1560 The Game in Houston) and the elusive Kerwin in Riverside, among others. Something tells me it'll start off competitive, only to digress into drunken Tour Stop stories of yore. Details will surely follow as the weeks progress.

More later.

A few questions to answer here regarding Thursday's PPV post, so let's get to it.

Q -- Do you have proof of the Leafs fan giving the alleged finger?
A -- You tell me. Check out what appears to be the man's daughter attempting to keep her father in check. Funny.

Q -- Where are you getting these photos of the broadcast from?
A -- I record the games via PVR, pause the PVR on something noteworthy, whip out my digital camera, and the results end up on the blog. Some will look better than others, and that largely has to do with the quality of the broadcast feed (hint, hint).

Q -- When Rob Brodie referenced your blog and wrote that you had included the printable comments, what did that mean? What didn't you include?
A -- That actually had to do with an email conversation I had with Brodie before that post was made. I mentioned to him that I had received feedback from the readers about the PPV, and that the printable comments were to appear on my blog. What didn't I include? Anything mean-spirited or lascivious, but a lot of it centred around the "suspicious questions" -- as one reader put it -- sent to Dean and Gord via email during the game. One query in particular, really rankled a lot of readers. I can't remember the exact wording, but to paraphrase -- it first complimented D & G on their ability to criticize the team, and then asked if they dealt with any negative attitudes from the team because of it. Obviously an unbelievable amount of irony comes into play here, considering that the duo are notoriously known for handling the Senators with kid gloves.

Q -- What were you doing watching the game at home on PPV when you have a seat in the press box?
A -- The Driver and I have a long-standing policy of not attending Leafs-Sens games. The crowd's multiple personality disorder puts both of us in a horrible mood. In addition, I wanted to see if any improvements had been made to the overall quality of the PPV broadcast, and wanted to do so without having to sit through 5 hours of hockey.

(Aside -- why did it take Sens fans this long to realize that they should be booing Mats Sundin in retaliation for the Leafs fans treatment of Daniel Alfredsson? Talk about taking the scenic route to one's cerebral cortex.)

More later...and once again, golf claps to the Sun's Rob Brodie for his mention of TUC on Remote Control.