The Universal Cynic

Yay, dear friends, do not despair, for I have not forgotten you. The news -- the glorious news -- of the Swedish Messiah's arrival on the West Coast last night has left me faint. I could barely finish my red meat-laden meal with The Driver, let alone the vodka-grapefruit chasers.

O, let us come and marvel at the Canucks' new deity. Let Mike Gillis swaddle the saviour's alabaster skin in polyester jerseys, then nestle him in a manger outside GM Place for all media to worship.

Praise him! Praise him, damnit! He is your king now!

(You know, at least until he blows out a knee or something.)

A quick and touching story from Thursday night's game between the Flames and Canucks, courtesy of Globe On Hockey.

The NHL continued its seemingly one-a-day new uniform rollout yesterday with a trip back across the border to Vancouver. Granted, we weren't sure what to expect -- the hockey stick logo of yore (with blue and green colouring) has been a wildly popular retro favourite, yet remained as an alternate (think along the lines of the San Diego Chargers' powder blues).

And so, after much speculation, here it is (click to enlarge):



Oh. My. God.

What the (expletive) is that? What on Earth would possess someone to plaster bold lettering of a frighteningly nondescript nature on the chest of a sweater...that already had a logo on it? Is that even a font? If it is, it should be called "Canadian", because it's the most boring lettering I've ever seen. Why did they do this? Did they think the logo wasn't enough for us to recognize the team as the Canucks? Was this done for Bob Cole's benefit? If so, dude has some serious pull.

(In all seriousness, we know the name is meant as a nod to the Millionaires and WHL Canucks, but come on -- would it kill to have an eye for aesthetics?)


The thing upsetting us the most about this move is that we really don't have a problem with the sweater, other than the lettering. In fact, we'd go so far as to say that it could have been our favourite of the newly unveiled jerseys thus far, and that includes Ottawa's. Going with the blue and green was a smart move, and you'll note that they have a full stripe across the bottom (despite the rounded edge) and horizontal stripes on the sleeves, which frankly makes all the difference in the world. We've never been big fans of the orca logo, but we can live with it -- and they've included the hockey stick on the shoulder patch.

It kind of reminds us of watching Bob Ross paint those amazing pictures where, "in our world, there's a happy little cloud." He would paint along happily for about 23 minutes until he had this killer nature scene -- then all of a sudden he would bust out a brush, load it up with thalo green and draw a big freaking tree right down the centre of the canvas. And you just know everyone is screaming at their television sets, "Stop it! You're RUINING IT!" Those letters on the new Van sweaters are the equivalent of Bob Ross's giant tree in his paintings. Sometimes, you have to know when to put the brush down...or in this case, the heat press.

P.S. Note that this is our first Bob Ross tag. God willing, there will be more.

You'd think with so much in the NHL coming down to the wire, fans would be caught up in potential playoff races -- not so in Vancouver, at least, not tonight apparently. There's speculation that Vancouver fans are chomping at the bit to let D Jack Johnson have it during this evening's matchup vs. the Kings.

The reason? Johnson was the one that laid an elbow to the face of Canada's Steve Downie during the 2006 World Junior Championships, which took place in Vancouver. The belief is that a lot of bitterness remains towards L.A.'s new rookie out west.

Seriously?

Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not condoning cracks to the face with an elbow joint, but aren't we reaching a bit much? Sure, this is the scene of the crime (for lack of a better phrase), but what other connections are there? Downie isn't a Canucks prospect -- he was drafted by the Flyers (2005 -- 29th overall). I also don't think it's a stretch to say that Downie is hardly the most sympathetic of figures. Personally, my support for Team Canada's Junior Team has cooled considerably since his arrival, and I know of many others with a staunch dislike of Downie, despite their support for Team Canada.

If this is the way Vancouver fans feel, obviously there isn't anything that can be done. I just find it pointless to remain bitter over an event with players that they have no connection to, with the exception of the city where said incident occurred.