The Universal Cynic

...because I have the "talking pillow."

It's rare for an incident involving Steve Downie to get lost in the NHL shuffle, but it seems like that's exactly what has happened over the past few days. In the midst of another round of Ovechkin-mania (involving his hit from behind on Chicago's Brian Campbell and subsequent two-game suspension), Downie's slew-foot on Sidney Crosby received nowhere near the same amount of attention -- and I wasn't the only one who noticed.

We can hypothesize that Downie's behaviour didn't garner as much outrage because Crosby emerged unscathed (whether that stands as a justifiable reason is a discussion for another time). But the incident itself got me to thinking about Vincent Lecavalier's harsh words for Matt Cooke after his head shot on Boston's Marc Savard.

In speaking with the media, Lecavalier said that "(Cooke's) been doing that his whole career. He’s been hurting a lot of guys."

You could definitely say the same thing about Lecavalier's own teammate, Steve Downie. Funny that.

One has to wonder what Vinny truly thinks about his fellow Bolt and his questionable behaviour. Things get complicated when you have to suit up next to the guy on a daily basis.

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Hey, look: This dancing machine is going to duke it out with the Neckbeard for the starting QB position with the Denver Broncos next season. C'mon now, what have I done to deserve this? On the bright side, it led to Phil Simms's son getting the boot, but if you had told me two years ago that Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn were going to be my top two choices at quarterback, I would've suggested that you go fornicate yourself twice over. And I don't really give an arse that Brady and Josh McDaniels share a bond over the round mound of rage known as Charlie Weis. This whole New England thing is getting as bad as Bryan Murray's hometown boy obsession (and so far, just as effective). For the record, Brady completed only 53% of his passes last season, and Pat Bowlen has said that he would like to draft a passing QB next month.

Oh, you mean like Jay Cutler? I guess the point is moot if you have no one to throw to. Regardless of his talent, WR Brandon Marshall is out on his ass for multiple reasons, and we all know it. Sigh. What a hot mess.

More later.

In case you missed it last night...

Here's my favourite babyface coach (sorry Clouston) losing it on my beloved Denver Broncos after they failed to score two TDs in the first quarter. The icing on the cake: This segment was played as a taped bit. It wasn't live. (Warning: Audio isn't overly loud, but is still NSFW.)

Just a couple of bits and pieces to round out the week...

If we're treated to one more piece of Sundin-related news, we'll gouge out our eyes and jam them into our ears (thanks to The Driver for that disturbing description). We've enjoyed the reaction to the local spin thus far -- although it's interesting that fans are making a fair amount of reference to Sundin's age. To act as if Gangrel would be the sole cause of greying up the team is rather funny -- apparently the misconception that Ottawa continues to ice a club of zygotes continues unabated. Remember when this interesting factoid made news last season? And yes, the roster has changed significantly since then. But for the record -- notable off-season pickups Jason Smith, Jarkko Ruutu and Filip Kuba are all over the age of 30 (34, 33 and 31 respectively). Are they as old as Mats? No. But they're not young pups, either. People need to remember this team isn't built on the babyfaces of yore.

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Meanwhile, over at Scarlett Ice, Sherry is doing her part to remind the Sens that Cody Bass deserves consideration for the big club this year. Okay, so the Ottawa bloggers might have their own motives for wanting to see Bass at SBP this year. Poly-cotton blend, anyone?

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This weekend is setting up to be an interesting one at TUC HQ. The Driver's craptastic San Diego Chargers are facing our beloved Broncos in the first notable AFC West game of the season. (Monday night, although fabulous, didn't really count. Oakland is a joke.) The Driver is in a weird place right now -- he and the Senators haven't seen eye to eye in some time, and things with the Chargers aren't going the way he had hoped. First came the devastating injury to Shawn Merriman, then the unexpected loss in Week 1 to Carolina...in short, he's been pouting a lot. That being said, we did get him to admit that Chargers QB Philip Rivers is a fussy bitch, which was a totally epic moment for yours truly. And our boy can play it down because he's good like that, but for the record -- if Rivers attempts a repeat of that jawing crap he pulled on Denver QB Jay Cutler last year, we'd fully encourage No. 6 to stab Rivers in the ass with an insulin needle on the sideline.*

(Aside: If you're ever in the mood to relive the magic and insanity that was "Dress Up Jake Plummer", go here.)

Finally, a quick message of love and support to our old-school friends in Texas who are prepping to battle Hurricane Ike. We're thinking of you...be safe.

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*That's a joke, ladies. Calm yourselves.

Two events I'm relieved are over: The Sens' pre-season and The Presidents Cup (a.k.a. Canadian golf Jesus v. American golf Jesus...at least on Sunday). One should not be listening to putter talk from Montreal in the afternoon on Team 1200, only to come home at night and watch Sens games on Rogers 22. Blech.

The pre-season is incapable of holding my interest for extended periods, but this Manatee storyline has the potential to get interesting with Ray Emery not ready for game play just yet. Contrary to popular belief, there are many persons of interest pulling for Gerber to succeed, and it has little to do with earning his keep. Emery may be considered the better goaltender in the city, but the issues he creates -- both publicly and privately -- do not strike the correct cohesive balance for this team (and we have provided the controversial reasons why in the past, albeit in an extremely roundabout manner).

Meanwhile, you have to think the one guy who might be getting anxious about the Dany Heatley negotiations (or lack thereof) is Daniel Alfredsson. Alfie committed to Ottawa for a lengthy period with a contract that now looks like a relatively frugal investment. He'll be making $5.451 million this season, and provides a salary cap hit of only $4.339 (according to NHLnumbers.com). His option years begin in 09/10, and the team's makeup could look drastically different by then -- particularly if the worst occurs and the team loses both Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley.

Speaking of future team makeup, the shortsightedness of some local media never ceases to amaze me. According to one talking head, Ottawa, over the course of the season, will gear up to trade Andrej Meszaros and Joe Corvo for forward building blocks while letting Wade Redden walk at the end of the season. How many quality offensive defensemen do they think the Sens will be hoarding in Binghamton? Are they going to clone Brian Lee? (Oh Jesus, I can't believe I said that.)


And finally, you know the normally placid LoCal fans in San Diego must be getting restless if they start chanting "Marty" in the fourth quarter. With the Bolts currently sitting at 1-3 (last in the division!), The Driver is in disbelief and has ceased wearing his Chargers hat out in public (he's gearing up to pull a hamstring, jumping off the bandwagon that fast). I know people are calling for Norv's head*, but the head coach midseason firing is something of a rarity in the NFL. Regardless, it's going to get oogly...can't wait. (I can say this now, before Denver goes 2-3 next week after the D inevitably throws up all over itself once more. O John Lynch, where art thou? Oh, and guess who they're playing in Week 5? LT can chew it.)

More later.

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* About Norv's head: Back in the day when he was coaching Washington, if you called Rome and referred to Turner as a "pineapple", Jim would hang up on you (funny as it was). Not to be insensitive, but I think it's less about the face, and more about the neck -- it almost looks like an octogenerian's knee-high stocking when it gets bunched around their ankle.

...because we've never heard of this team.

· Alright, it may not officially be fall proper, but it's close enough for us...and that means two things: The return of regular Deglazes and the beginning of the NFL season. Full disclosure: TUC HQ has always shown a high personal preference of football over hockey for obvious reasons. Firstly, football is always much more of an event than your run-of-the-mill NHL game could ever hope to achieve. The majority of games take place on one day, which provokes an insane buildup. Combine this with a much shorter season, a one-and-done playoff format, a product that translates beautifully to television and the high prevalence of HD broadcasts...in short, the NFL kicks the NHL's ass up, down and sideways. Apologies for overstating the obvious.

Of course, we spent Sunday watching our beloved Broncos break the hearts of thousands of Leaf fans masquerading as Buffalo supporters. A couple of thoughts: Sophomore QB Jay Cutler (a.k.a. The Cutlet) is half asskicker, half myocardial infarction inducer with an arm that won't quit -- sometimes we want to high-five the hand attached to said arm, and sometimes we want to break off the arm and beat him with it. And have you seen his team photo yet? He looks like that kid you knew in high school who was obsessed with first-person shooter video games (and always rumoured to have been caught enjoying a Sears catalogue a bit too much in his parents' rec room). As for Travis Henry (a.k.a. Nouveau Shawn Kemp), we were initally concerned, but can't complain about 139 yards (an average of 6 per carry) on his first outing. No TDs, but you know one's coming -- the guy knows a thing or two about scoring. (I'm sorry, that was way too easy.)


· As for the Senators -- with a fairly successful rookie tournament completed and players beginning to trickle for training camp, you'd assume there would be a high sense of optimism surrounding the beginning of the season. Not on this end. Let's see...we've had Ray Emery's recent traffic incident, the Manatee is pulling a Martin Biron (scroll to last paragraph), constant speculation regarding the futures of players like Jason Spezza (potential RFA), Mike Fisher and Dany Heatley (potential UFAs of the big fish variety). In addition, one player has been engaging in some heavy-handed irony regarding his long-term status with the team. Outwardly, it would appear he wishes to stay. Whispers and actions indicate otherwise. This is an awful lot of drama to contend with in mid-September. We don't envy Bryan Murray's position right now.



· You may have noticed that nothing was mentioned in this space regarding the alleged last game played by the Ottawa Lynx (the Triple-A version, anyway). What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to comment on the ridiculous nature of Ottawans who throw their support behind a quality product when it's too late? Am I expected to reference the pathetic nature of certain media members in the past who were heard openly complaining about being "forced" to attend the Lynx' annual Media Day? What about the outlets that regularly chose not to cover home games? What about the radio stations that treated game coverage as an open mic night for their on-air staff?

Here's what I will say: The Lynx -- staff, players and front office -- have been an outright pleasure to deal with. The level of courtesy and respect shown by all of them should never go ignored, and I will always be grateful for all of their help and kindness. They were, and are, the best team in the city to deal with. No contest.

And to wrap up today, let's close out with an e-mail from Blair in Burlington:

"Ever heard of an HBO show called 'The Wire'? There is a drug dealing kid on there who is a dead ringer for Ray Emery."

Blair sent this link (as well as this one) to solidify his point. Point taken.

As if the Broncos didn't have a bad enough day yesterday.

CB Darrent Williams shot and killed early this morning.

Williams teamed with Champ Bailey to give Denver one of the NFL's top cornerback tandems. Williams finished the season with 88 tackles, 78 of them solo, and four interceptions.

For a bit, anyways. I know I've been scarce the past few days, but it's hard to post, let alone make it up to the press box when you've got holiday baking to do.

Here's some holiday reading to keep you entertained, but first, a word from Bill Simmons:

Someone In The Know once told me, "Bet against Chuck Bresnahan (Cincy's defensive coordinator) against any good coach. He stinks. Smart coaches and smart QBs always have a field day against him." Of course, last week I ignored the advice and picked them over the Colts. No way I'm taking them against Shanahan. By the way, here's a direct quote from a buddy of mine who loves the Broncos: "I'm not ready for 15 straight years of Jay 'Veal' Cutler references. I'm really not."

Honestly, I had never thought of this before, but it should be noted that Denver already has a complete (if not utterly bizarre) meal of players, comprised of DT Demetrin Veal, TE Chad Mustard and T Erik Pears (and yes, I know how they pronounce it, don't ruin it for me). Obviously they don't need another helping of unexercised calf (in more ways than one).

And now, your reading...

- The Flames got stuck in Denver during a major snowstorm...everyone passed the time by swapping cowboy hats -- Calgary Herald

- Cam Neely version 2.0, where art thou? -- NBC Sports

- All the puck bunnies are in Des Moines, Iowa -- Des Moines Register

- The reason why the Flyers lost to the Sens yesterday: They were distracted by an arena full of ugliness -- Philadephia Flyers official website

- The "Vote For Rory" wet blanket campaign multiplied last night -- Ottawa Sun

- Anze Kopitar: So Cal graffiti artist muse -- Edmonton Sun

So that's it -- we're off to the land of Staalapalooza on Boxing Day, and if there's room for our laptop in the carry-on, maybe we'll do a "live from location". Otherwise, it's best to assume that we've been rendered incapacitated by mimosas and eggnog...at least until mid-week.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! Be safe, behave yourselves and we'll see you on the other side.

Yeah hey,

E