The Universal Cynic

ESPN.com's Bill Simmons did an NHL Entry Draft blog while watching feed from TSN (and torched the network quite thoroughly in the process). There's typical Canadian vs. U.S. humour (i.e. staid currency jokes from a country that still thinks the CAD is operating at 65 cents) -- but seeing a broadcasting regular like Bob McKenzie referred to as "Announcer No. 2" is quite amusing.

P.S. I hate spelling "defenseman" with a "c". Who the hell started that?

That isn't a reference to my feelings on tomorrow's game -- in fact, I'm quite looking forward to it.

My issue is with the large majority of Canadian coverage that's taking place, both in traditional media and online. The Canadian media has this incessant need to tie everything back to our country, because they assume that's the only way readers will be interested in the stories. "Hey look, this DB played for the B.C. Lions in '98! Let's ask him about the three months he spent there!" For Christ's sakes, enough already. Ask them if they've had violent sleepwalking dreams where they throttled the opposition's QB, and ended up kicking the crap out of a houseplant. Ask them if they think anyone's going to pull a Eugene Robinson the night before -- they don't have to name names.

Then there's this. The Globe and Mail sent down two writers who are co-authoring a Super Bowl blog. The above link offers a "description" of a Super Bowl bash. Here's my favourite part:

The answers to those and other fascinating questions were revealed during last night’s media party at Gulfstream Racetrack where the premises was dotted by women dressed in jockey uniforms. Just not like jockey uniforms like you’ve ever seen before – as in three-inch spiked heals (sic), short skirts and tight tops.


"Heals"? That isn't going to do much for the perception that male sportswriters are the antithesis of Tom Brady/Brad Pitt/Whatever man is hot enough to make all women ignore everyone else in the room. If you can't spell it, my guess is you haven't seen enough of them.

I also don't understand what's up with that bare bones description. There are no photos on the blog -- aren't writers supposed to paint a picture with words? I mean, I'm cognizant enough to realize that my audience is between 95-98% male. Tell me that the chick's legs are longer than a John Madden run-on sentence. Say that you didn't know where to look, because your interview subject's nipples were pointing to first and third. That's what I would have done...I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to do that for my audience.

Anyway, there's more on the above blog if you want to check it out -- including hilarious tales about forgetting your co-worker's room number after you've gone out to pick up some beer. Sigh.

On the other hand, if you want to read some legitimately interesting and funny Super Bowl blogs that will provide a better snapshot of the week's festivities, I highly suggest checking out these ones from Deadspin and Bill Simmons. Simmons' radio row day was a particularly good read, and Deadspin's tomfoolery with ESPN is utterly classic. Check them out if you haven't already.

Bill Simmons chronicled the Super Bowl's Media Day in pictures, and check out who made it into his second shot (click on this link or the photo for a closer look):

For a bit, anyways. I know I've been scarce the past few days, but it's hard to post, let alone make it up to the press box when you've got holiday baking to do.

Here's some holiday reading to keep you entertained, but first, a word from Bill Simmons:

Someone In The Know once told me, "Bet against Chuck Bresnahan (Cincy's defensive coordinator) against any good coach. He stinks. Smart coaches and smart QBs always have a field day against him." Of course, last week I ignored the advice and picked them over the Colts. No way I'm taking them against Shanahan. By the way, here's a direct quote from a buddy of mine who loves the Broncos: "I'm not ready for 15 straight years of Jay 'Veal' Cutler references. I'm really not."

Honestly, I had never thought of this before, but it should be noted that Denver already has a complete (if not utterly bizarre) meal of players, comprised of DT Demetrin Veal, TE Chad Mustard and T Erik Pears (and yes, I know how they pronounce it, don't ruin it for me). Obviously they don't need another helping of unexercised calf (in more ways than one).

And now, your reading...

- The Flames got stuck in Denver during a major snowstorm...everyone passed the time by swapping cowboy hats -- Calgary Herald

- Cam Neely version 2.0, where art thou? -- NBC Sports

- All the puck bunnies are in Des Moines, Iowa -- Des Moines Register

- The reason why the Flyers lost to the Sens yesterday: They were distracted by an arena full of ugliness -- Philadephia Flyers official website

- The "Vote For Rory" wet blanket campaign multiplied last night -- Ottawa Sun

- Anze Kopitar: So Cal graffiti artist muse -- Edmonton Sun

So that's it -- we're off to the land of Staalapalooza on Boxing Day, and if there's room for our laptop in the carry-on, maybe we'll do a "live from location". Otherwise, it's best to assume that we've been rendered incapacitated by mimosas and eggnog...at least until mid-week.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! Be safe, behave yourselves and we'll see you on the other side.

Yeah hey,

E

From his SportsNation chat this aft:

Erin (Ottawa, Canada): Why was Storm Large wearing Phil Jackson's suit when she sang the national anthem on the Contender last night? Apologies from Canada for going 2-for-2 on Rockstar. None of us liked Lukas, but we all probably dug Jason Newsted's double denim and fingerless gloves.

Bill Simmons: (2:59 PM ET ) I'll say this: Storm Large was MUCH cuter in person than I thought she would be. By the way, Lucas is probably 5-foot-4. No joke. And he's very pleased with himself. Also, Toby is much taller than I thought (maybe 6-foot-3) and has that happy/possibly drunk Austrialian vibe to him... seemed like a good guy. He'll be in rehab soon.

Of course, it wasn't much of a question -- but I thought referencing fingerless gloves would get me in. On second thought, I should have asked about his face, as it appeared to be melting off during his interview on The Colbert Report two weeks ago.