The Universal Cynic

* Jason Spezza served veal at his wedding. Perhaps he was waxing nostalgic for the days when Jacques Martin used to treat him like said-politically incorrect meat. (Ottawa Citizen)

* The names of the UFL teams have leaked -- notables include the Las Vegas Locomotives and the Orlando Tuskers. A "tusker" -- according to nationhahn, who posted the story on Twitter -- is a wild boar. I was hoping for some sort of Gulf-based dwarf walrus. (UFL Access)

* As featured on Yahoo! and Deadspin: Starbury TV. In the short time I watched, Stephon Marbury claimed to want to do an "Oprah-type show where (he) flew everyone in on a private jet." He also fancies it when you refer to him as "CEOBury." Utter (expletive) madness. (Starbury TV)

* The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair is a good media choice to follow on Twitter -- he's fairly entertaining and is willing to answer questions/engage in light debate. (Jeff Blair -- Twitter)

* An older link, but worth revisiting during the slow days of summer: Brutal hockey tattoos. Is there even such a thing as a good one? (The Hockey News)

Ahem. Sorry about that. Bloody Team 1200.

Ever wondered what it's like to do business with a professional sports franchise? TUC's friend Steve Ladurantaye of The Globe and Mail recently conducted an interview with Ottawa Senators COO Cyril Leeder on that very subject. Here's a clip:

What can a small company do to better tailor its business pitches to pro sports teams?

Cyril Leeder: Be brief and specific. Be prepared to be competitive. If we make a commitment to use your service, you had better be prepared to make a commitment to be a season-ticket holder and sponsor of the hockey club.

Want more? Go here.

...because the old-school Jungle listener in TUC still giggles after hearing Bruce Springsteen utter the line "tramps like us...".

I know a lot has gone down in the past few days, and frankly, I was not available to hit on any of it. Therefore, I'm going to concentrate on the bits that stood out to me the most, and leave the rest for leftovers and miscellaneous stuff. Ready? Here we go...


TUC is still trying to figure out what Mr. Eugene's deal is. One day he's venting and applying completely inappropriate analogies to the Senators' woes; the next he's on the radio acting so sickeningly sweet and positive you'd think he was freelancing for Disney...or a chiropractor.

Look, I get that the guy has to pull for the team -- after all, he's the one who's ponying up for them. But no one's forcing him to open his mouth right now, and therein lies the rub. These days, Ottawa fans don't want to hear that this team has a legitimate shot at a playoff berth, a lengthy post-season run, or God forbid, a Stanley Cup victory. Why? Well, because it's a bunch of bull(expletive). (Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.) Hell, it wouldn't do them much good to keep from humiliating themselves on a daily basis, because as it stands, there are top-shelf draft picks at stake -- and damn good ones, too. What does an eighth-place finish in the East get you this year? Your precious two-game homestand gate receipts? Repeated nostalgia from all those post-season sweeps of yore? Way to pump up the masses, Mr. Eugene. Enjoy your season ticket base of 8,000 people next season, and by the way -- pass the C-4. Some of us are smart enough to realize that not everything can be fixed with bandaids, rotating personnel and kids from Colgate University.

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The crazy Columbus ginge known as Mike Commodore weaseled his way into my heart a couple of days ago, when he let loose with some unflattering thoughts about his tenure in Ottawa. Now to be fair, I don't really give an arse about his beef with Bryan Murray. That being said, this little quip was bank:

"I didn't play well. I was not a good player," Commodore said. "But when I go around the room and ask the other defensemen how we play in our own zone, and I get six different answers how am I supposed to fit in?

I swore up and down that Commodore said something similar (although maybe not as direct) during his actual time as a Senator, but damned if I could find it when I needed to. Regardless, the following helps to illustrate what I've been saying for some time -- the Ottawa Senators are completely lacking in a proper defensive system. This -- combined with the lack of effective puck-moving blueliners -- is destroying them. I'm not going to defend Commodore's play as a Senator (e.g. him not showing up as the hard-nosed guy fans were expecting), but it's one thing to not understand a lesson that's being taught -- it's a whole 'nother ball of wax when you're expected to learn without any lesson at all. I know these players make a lot of money and we in turn, expect a great deal from them. But for all their talent, you can't simply send a defensive core out there and tell them to just "be". It's not that Zen. You have to find it somewhat telling that a former player is coming out with claims against the Senators' defensive structure (or lack thereof). It would be wonderful if Ottawa would actually get off their ass and do something about it, as opposed to being blasted in the media by unhappy ex-employees.


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Finally, let it be said that TUC is viciously unhappy to watch William Houston of The Globe and Mail unceremoniously ride off into the sunset. God willing, the appropriate person will come along to step into his place. They're big shoes to fill, but the Canadian sports media desperately needs someone to keep it in line -- be it at the Globe, or another any other traditional outlet of significant size.


One of Houston's final columns provided me with quite a laugh (although surely unintentional) when he wrote about the CBC's issues with the word "pansification", and Don Cherry's refusal to say it. Here's a clip from the column:

Cherry has mimicked effeminate males when discussing the media in the past. But he said he has never publicly put down homosexuals.

"I've upset just about everybody else, but never ever said anything about gays," he said.

The Hockey Night commentator said yesterday he supports gay initiatives and has influenced teenagers to come out of the closet. He recalled plugging a gay hockey tournament in New York on Coach's Corner several years ago.

"I got a nice letter from the head of the gays thanking me very much," Cherry said. "The whole deal. And I wrote them back, too."


Honestly, that's lovely. But "the head of the gays", Don? Seriously?

More later.

Martha Stewart wouldn't like this one bit. From the Globe On Hockey blog:

“We're like the Queen,” the San Jose Sharks' Joe Thornton was saying. “We travel with our own toilet seat.”

OK, that probably needs some explanation. The Sharks moved into the visitor's dressing room at the Pengrowth Saddledome Sunday morning, to continue their best-of-seven Western Conference playoff series against the Flames. The Sharks usually travel with all kinds of team-related paraphernalia. Draped just inside the entrance to the dressing room are replicas of their Pacific Division champion banners (from 2001-02 and 2003-04). There are personalized Shark skate mats for each player; every one of the four walls also has a This Is Sharks Playoff time posters. All make sense – sort of.

But how about that toilet seat, with a Sharks' logo pasted on the front, suspended above the soda machine in the dressing room, just beyond where goaltender Evgeni Nabokov dresses? Top-secret stuff. Team captain Patrick Marleau wouldn't divulge what was going on there. Nor would Thornton. Not even Jeremy Roenick – who'll talk about anything - would specify what its specific function was. “A little in-the-room mystery,” was how Roenick described it. Thornton added: “A lot of people will be blogging about that tonight.”

Well, of course. It's what we do to pass the time these days. Sharks' coach Ron Wilson would only go so far as that the scheme was the brainchild of Tom Holy, a member of the Sharks public relations' staff. Holy, a former college player himself, stationed himself underneath the toilet seat Sunday morning, so that no one could lift it up and see what was hidden behind it. Luckily, an intrepid scribe or two wandered in behind - and saw a poorly camouflaged picture frame - secured to the back of the seat.

P.S. That photo -- snapped by yours truly who felt oh-so-classy in doing so -- came from tonight's San Jose-Calgary broadcast where the seat was also being discussed.

TUC's friend Steve Ladurantaye over at The Globe And Mail tackled the business of post-season puck in his column, Five Things. Check it out below.

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It's spring, and many will be staring at our television sets in the hope a Canadian team will hoist the Stanley Cup. Five Things takes a look at the business of playoff hockey.

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1. SHARING THE WEALTH

Last season's run all the way to the Stanley Cup final helped the Ottawa Senators post a $10.4-million profit, even though they lost in the end to the Anaheim Ducks. Still, the team said it needed to clear at least the second round of the playoffs to generate a profit. A National Hockey League team by most estimates gets as much as $2-million for a home playoff game from ticket sales, merchandise, parking, and concessions. But a team doesn't need to be among the league's elite to reap the benefits of the postseason – under a revenue-sharing program surviving teams must fork over half their playoff cash so it can be redistributed to bottom-feeders.

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2. TUBE BATTLES

According to news reports, the Toronto Maple Leafs' habit of missing the playoffs will mean a $10-million hit to the CBC's revenue this year as viewers from southern Ontario switch to baseball. The loss of that revenue has been blamed in some circles for the network's decision to cancel a show called MVP, which was about amorous hockey wives. French-language sports channel RDS is expecting to draw up to 1.2 million viewers for each Canadiens-Bruins game in the first round, up from a regular-season average of 720,000. TSN will have coverage of the first three rounds, and Versus and NBC will once again try and woo U.S. viewers. That audience is never an easy draw – last year NBC switched from overtime in a Senators-Sabres game to pre-race coverage of the Preakness Stakes because ratings were so low.

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3. PUCK IN THE INTERNET

With American viewers more interested in poker tournaments than hockey, the NHL is hoping a beefed up Internet offering will attract younger fans. The site – loaded with ads from Bud Light, Cisco, Dodge and Verizon Wireless – offers free highlights and behind-the-scenes footage. Next season, teams will be allowed to create their own content and sell ad space to sponsors. The NHL's website is the 30th most popular site in Canada, the country which accounts for 40 per cent of its visitors. Its next highest ranking is in Slovakia, where it is the 187th most popular site. It doesn't fare quite as well in the U.S., where it ranks 410th, according to Web traffic monitor Alexa.com.

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4. PLAYING THE BOARDS

The NHL is also hoping to cash in by putting ads on the glass above the boards during U.S. broadcasts of playoff games. People at the game wouldn't be bothered, since the ads will be digitally imposed and visible only to those watching on TV. Advertisers who buy regular spots during games would be offered space on the glass, and if the pilot program is successful it could be rolled out across the league next year. Dollar amounts haven't been determined but a pair of regular ads along the boards can sell for as much as $600,000 a season. The technology is in use at Major League Baseball games, with ads behind home plate.

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5. PAY DAYS

When the regular season ends, it also means an end to regular paycheques for NHL players. Mind you, they're not playing for pride alone. An elaborate system of shares exists to ensure those who carry their teams deep into the postseason are rewarded. This year, after the Cup winner is determined, $6.5-million will be split among the 16 teams that made the playoffs. While the exact method of distribution hasn't been determined by the NHL Players Association, last year the Ducks were given 25 shares worth $75,000 each, for a total of $1,875,000. It was then left to team management to determine which players should receive how many shares, based on performances. The eight losing teams in the first round each received 200 shares, worth $5,000 each, to distribute among their players. By contrast, three players – Flyer Daniel Briere, Ranger Scott Gomez and Sabre Thomas Vanek – shared the honour of earning the most in the regular season, at $10-million each.

I'm bothered whenever people bark at my refusal to refer to the Sens as a "young" team. I'm not insinuating that they're all headed for a midlife crisis, but the way some talk, you'd think the average age of the team was along the lines of a university senior.

Tim Wharnsby's post over at the Globe On Hockey blog proves otherwise. Take this down for future reference: Currently, the youngest team (by average age) is Phoenix (26.5 years). The oldest is Detroit (32.0). And Ottawa...is 22nd on that list (29.0).

For the record, you can see how little age has to do with effectiveness as a team (which is Wharnsby's point).

William Houston's take on Hockey Day in Canada:

Hockey Day in Canada goes heavy on schmaltz

If you woke up with a tummy ache yesterday, well, it's understandable. When the entrée consists of sugar and syrup over 13½ hours, it can happen.

And if you had a bad dream about outdoor rinks and small-town arenas closing in you, that's hardly a surprise, either.

The feel-good programming of Hockey Day in Canada on Saturday accomplished everything it set out to do, but it was also repetitive and, at times, tedious.

After a while, you wanted to yell: "Enough. I'm tired of the smiling faces and happy accounts, and here-we-are-and-isn't-this-wonderful message."

Was there nothing else to say?

Here's how one journalist, who is hockey fan, put it in an e-mail message: "Anyone landing here from another planet seeing this would think we were a nation of 32 million, each and every one of us living in a small town, volunteering all day long, loving our fathers and able only to say, 'This is what it's all about.' "

Ron MacLean did yeoman's service as the host of the day-long show. The features were inspiring, moving and slick. And there were no technical problems that we noticed.

But this was the idealization of grassroots hockey, a game without issues or problems, aside from perhaps the decrepit condition of an outdoor rink in Montreal. A piece on the Boston Bruins' Glen Metropolit, who grew up in the Toronto neighbourhood of Regent Park, touched on the challenges confronting urban poor kids, but just barely.

The CBC needs to balance the Hockey Day fluff with journalism. Or is everything in the game, as Hockey Canada and the establishment media would have us believe, so perfect there is no need to ask questions or criticize?

From the CBC's perspective, Hockey Day primarily serves as a promotional vehicle for hockey, for which the network has, starting next season, about $100-million a year invested in NHL rights.

It is therefore important for the CBC to sell the game as important to the country. And to make the case that hockey is part of our soul and embodies all good things.

But, perhaps, during the network's homage, there is room for a report that doesn't invoke a happy face. Surely, there are subjects worth looking into, whether it is bodychecking for kids, shots to the head starting in minor hockey up to professional hockey or the steep dropoff in participation after the ages of 12 and 13. Are eight-year-olds still playing too many games and receiving too little instruction?

The CBC would argue Hockey Day is about telling the good news stories. It is the one day of the year set aside to celebrate the game.

But when do the other stories get told? Certainly not on the parent show of Hockey Day, Hockey Night in Canada, which airs features consisting almost exclusively of profiles and human interest stories. Issues, assuming the establishment is wrong and there are some, are rarely if ever reported in a serious way.

The point that should be important to the Hockey Day producers is that strong journalism will enhance rather than diminish the telecast. Good news by itself, after all, is a pretty bland offering.

With the Vancouver Olympics two years away, it might have been interesting to hear some analysis, aside from the usual excuse making, of what went wrong with the men's team at the Turin Games in 2006 and what to expect in 2010.

Doom and gloom shouldn't prevail on Hockey Day, but a dose of reality would be a welcome counter to the image of the game, largely mythologized, that Hockey Day presents.

This episode of Leftovers is coming to you live from the Scott Norwood Section of Butterknife Row...yes, it's that time again. Check out tonight's quote of the night at the bottom of the post.

We were intrigued by the reaction of media outside of the nation’s capital yesterday, after Dany Heatley’s 6-year, 45 million dollar (all terms US) was announced. Inevitably, when the signing of one occurs, the questions surrounding another begin – in this case the player being referenced was Wade Redden. What? I think local media thankfully possesses enough scruples not to make the same inquiry. Reason being? The general aura around Wade Redden has changed in Ottawa. Fans were left nonplussed after his subpar season last year, particularly after his pockets were lined with 6.5 million dollars’ worth of money from the franchise. Combine that with the uncomfortable events of this summer regarding No. 6’s status with the team, and you can certain that fans had not only understood that Redden’s days were numbered with the team, but were in preference with that general mode of thinking. Furthermore, why was Heatley’s contract considered to be the catalyst for these observations? Couldn’t they see the writing on the wall after the signing of Mike Fisher?

Re: Wednesday’s game vs. Toronto – apparently, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Sens can’t capitalize on a 5-on-3, Chris Kelly can’t bury a breakaway if his life depended on it, and the ACC’s organist likes to break out Toto’s Hold The Line when it’s appropriate…wait…what? While we weren’t impressed on the whole (and apparently neither was Alvin), the Manatee definitely deserves some acknowledgment, because there’s been an obvious shift in his play. His movements are far crisper, his positioning has improved greatly (he’s no longer cowering in the back of the net), and his glove has been working overtime with great results. Long live the Seacow’s renaissance.

Finally, you may have heard some players grumbling over the new sweaters and their inability to allow their equipment to dry properly. While the new jerseys are undoubtedly here to stay, we were rather perplexed by Eric Duhatschek’s take on the issue last week. The Globe And Mail writer wondered aloud if the new sweaters would go the way of the NBA’s synthetic ball from last season. The difference is that the new sweaters included new designs (and in some cases, new logos) for all 30 teams – in short, it amounted to a massive marketing campaign for the NHL. The jerseys weren’t simply relevant to the players; they had to work for the fans as well. It isn’t as if the NBA began selling basketballs in the shape of a trapezoid by the boatload to their fans – their alteration was far more subtle, and never involved the consumer of their product.

Quote Of The Night (overheard on Butterknife Row): "This game's like a banana...it starts high, then goes down low." What the (expletive) does that mean? By the way, take this down for future reference: TUC is one head taller than Leafs' GM John Ferguson Jr., and nearly two heads taller than CBC play-by-play man Bob Cole...who might be a fan of the Mystic Tan. Just saying.

And just for the hell of it, here's your Toto refresher for the evening (which means we get to have a Toto tag...whee!):

That isn't a reference to my feelings on tomorrow's game -- in fact, I'm quite looking forward to it.

My issue is with the large majority of Canadian coverage that's taking place, both in traditional media and online. The Canadian media has this incessant need to tie everything back to our country, because they assume that's the only way readers will be interested in the stories. "Hey look, this DB played for the B.C. Lions in '98! Let's ask him about the three months he spent there!" For Christ's sakes, enough already. Ask them if they've had violent sleepwalking dreams where they throttled the opposition's QB, and ended up kicking the crap out of a houseplant. Ask them if they think anyone's going to pull a Eugene Robinson the night before -- they don't have to name names.

Then there's this. The Globe and Mail sent down two writers who are co-authoring a Super Bowl blog. The above link offers a "description" of a Super Bowl bash. Here's my favourite part:

The answers to those and other fascinating questions were revealed during last night’s media party at Gulfstream Racetrack where the premises was dotted by women dressed in jockey uniforms. Just not like jockey uniforms like you’ve ever seen before – as in three-inch spiked heals (sic), short skirts and tight tops.


"Heals"? That isn't going to do much for the perception that male sportswriters are the antithesis of Tom Brady/Brad Pitt/Whatever man is hot enough to make all women ignore everyone else in the room. If you can't spell it, my guess is you haven't seen enough of them.

I also don't understand what's up with that bare bones description. There are no photos on the blog -- aren't writers supposed to paint a picture with words? I mean, I'm cognizant enough to realize that my audience is between 95-98% male. Tell me that the chick's legs are longer than a John Madden run-on sentence. Say that you didn't know where to look, because your interview subject's nipples were pointing to first and third. That's what I would have done...I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to do that for my audience.

Anyway, there's more on the above blog if you want to check it out -- including hilarious tales about forgetting your co-worker's room number after you've gone out to pick up some beer. Sigh.

On the other hand, if you want to read some legitimately interesting and funny Super Bowl blogs that will provide a better snapshot of the week's festivities, I highly suggest checking out these ones from Deadspin and Bill Simmons. Simmons' radio row day was a particularly good read, and Deadspin's tomfoolery with ESPN is utterly classic. Check them out if you haven't already.