The Universal Cynic

...because I get to listen to Theo Fleury sing in just under 3 hours.

Who wants to sit like bumps on logs and not call Jason Spezza's off-season conditioning into question, because he's been saddled with a groin injury so early in the season? Sounds like a good time, yes? It's not like they could really use any offensive presence, seeing as Ottawa is 29th in the league in average goals per game with 2.00 (New Jersey is last, with 1.75). And in continuing with criticizing the guys who aren't playing, here's an take on Spezza from a well-known retired NHL player: "(Jason) Spezza was one of the easiest guys to play against in the league. He's soft and he's scared." Nothing we haven't heard before, except for the "scared" bit. Your thoughts?

Meanwhile, over at The Hockey News, John Grigg tells us that a trade isn't enough to fix the Sens. Who wants me to push him over Elaine Benes-style with a "Get OUT!" response? I always zero in on defence, because I'm obsessed with blueliners. I know people were concerned with goaltending, but where did they think the scoring would come from? I think I've made my thoughts regarding Mike Fisher's offensive tendencies quite clear, and Kovalev has been a lost cause since he arrived. Obviously, there are variables - we assumed Spezza would be playing, and that Milan Michalek would pick up where he left off. That said, even if they were, it wouldn't be enough to keep the Sens' heads above .500. There are too many things wrong, and it's going to take significant upheaval to make it right.

Sigh. It's difficult for me to comment on the Oilers' cheerleading controversy without seeming like I'm having a Camille Paglia moment. Truth be told, it has less to do with feminism than you might think. Full disclosure: I have never been a cheerleader. I've been asked (most notably by a Sun Media editor who thought it would be "fun" for me to perform with the 'Gades), but I've never gone through with it. The reason? As a dancer, I've always felt that cheerleading was bull(expletive). If these girls are doing even less than your standard female with pompoms, and basically standing in the stands while yelling, what purpose do they serve? (For the record, the Oilers have stated that cheer, dance, and gymnastics experience is helpful, but not an asset.) The NHL's female fanbase continues to grow steadily - men should be contented enough to look at them. If not, too bad - last time I checked, there was still a game going on. Look, if the tables were turned, and the teams were placing attractive men in the stands, I'd sooner they turn their attention to more relevant things - like improving the concession menus. *cough* Scotiabank Place *cough*

More later.


UPDATE: A reader, who was very upset with this post, my work and my "Mickey Mouse blog" in general, insists that he has the inside track on all things Sens. (I know - I really set up his credibility, right?) Anyway, this guy insists that Spezza hurt his groan (that one's for the old-schoolers) during the team's training exercise at CFB Petawawa. And what better place to look for corroborative evidence than the Sun's own Don Brennan, right? Here's a clip from Oct. 8:

"Could be wrong, but I don’t remember Spezza having a sore groin BEFORE he started pulling tanks, repelling and jumping off 50-foot platforms at CFB Petawawa."


Do I believe any of this? Meh. It's hard to pinpoint the exact time of the injury - various reports mention groin problems before, during and at the end of training camp. Camp began on Sept. 17 and the Sens' trip to Petawawa was on Oct. 4. That said, it does bring up a Chewable: Let's say for the hell of it, that Jason did hurt his groin on a team-building exercise. It would stand to reason that the Senators would want to keep it hush-hush, and hell, even let someone like little old insignificant me take shots at Spezza's conditioning instead. Anything to protect the image of the club, and not expose a major mistake.

More later.

'Cause it's not what you've done/It's what you've been
If you fuck up/I'm telling Tim

-- I'm Telling Tim (NOFX)

Regarding the "anti-Spezza" posts on Tim Baines's new blog:

1) Don Brennan and Bruce Garrioch are big boys - one would hope they could defend themselves;

2) Don't you wish this blog was around in 2008? It would have been interesting to see Baines take up for his writers when this was going on.

More later.

You know this is the type of thing I live for.

You may have heard that a pocket of Senators fans are planning to have a rally in support of Jason Spezza. According to their Facebook page, the gathering is to take place this Saturday at Parliament Hill (as of the writing of this post, there were 131 confirmed guests).

The Ottawa Citizen was tipped off on the gathering, and Allen Panzeri wrote an article about it. Guess what ensued? High comedy, of course. From the Panzeri piece:

"The aim of the rally will be to convince the Ottawa Senators to keep the mercurial centre instead of trading him before his no-trade clause kicks in on July 1."

"Mercurial"? Spezza? Jason would laugh like a lunatic if I waved a Twizzler in front of his face. You know the gold thread on the Ottawa sweaters? They added that so Giggles would have something shiny to hold his attention when he attempted his passes. If Spezza's mercurial, then Chris Pronger is due to appear on an episode of 'The First 48' any day now.

"The participants will come from two Facebook groups that have overlapping memberships: the “Let’s Keep Jason Spezza in Ottawa” group, which has more than 900 members, and the Red Scarf Union, which largely occupies a Section 319 at Scotiabank Place and claims 1,190 members."

Wow, and they're expecting such a turnout already? I guess everyone's going to the cottage that weekend.

Waiting for the icing on the cake? Here it comes:

"(Rally organizer Louise) Tremblay admits to being one of Spezza’s biggest critics initially, but said that with the arrival of coach Cory Clouston, Spezza’s work ethic has improved.

'He’s not floating as much as he used to,' she said."

Bloody hell, if that's not a selling point for a gathering, I don't know what is.

Now, before Senators fans jump down my throat, know this: I'm not anti-rally or anti-Spezza. I'm anti-ridiculousness, which unfortunately for Jason, his fans and Mr. Panzeri, this piece seems to have in spades.

More later.

Jesus tapdancing Christ. I don't need this (expletive).

Jason Spezza? Seriously? Woman, please. It's pretty much common knowledge that a few years ago, I allegedly went to Bryan Murray and asked him to lock up Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley to deals, because I wanted to be sure that I had someone to play with long-term. We know how the latter part of that bargain turned out. I dealt with Heatley and before that, I dealt with Alexel Yashin. Remind me why I should put up with this stupidity again?

Jason's unhappy that he was booed at home at the end of the post-season? Tell to come here -- I'll give him a shoulder to cry on...then I'll bust him square in his toothsome cakehole.** No one in the league gets booed at home more than I do, and I handle it just fine. Well actually, when it happens, I play like hell, but that's not the point...

Sorry, I lost track of what I was saying. I also just impregnated Bibi again. That guys's going to be a blueliner. God knows the club could use a decent one.

I'd really like to know where Jason thinks he can go with that albatross of a contract. He's signed through 2014-15 at $7-million a pop. Maybe he still thinks he has a chance of morphing into Steve Yzerman, v. 2.0. That crap makes me laugh harder than Don Brennan's wardrobe.

And I really don't know what's worse: The fact that the Senators will get jack for him in return if they did trade him, or that this drama is being played out in the media again. Same nonsense, different player. It's so bush-league. I guess I won't have to wait long for a resolution, because the little jackass's no-movement clause kicks in on July 1.

I'm getting too old for this. I'm turning 38 this year, I'm banged up, I've slowed down considerably, and I have snowball's chance in hell of winning a Cup in this town. I should be the one asking for a trade -- to a contender. I might as well, seeing as I've already begun to tell friends that I'm planning on retiring at the end of next season.

Whoops, did I think that last part out loud?

___________________

* Not really, but the post does include some information from my lovely and trusted sources. Deal with it.

** Don't you think he could get away with this phrase? Come on now.

Seeing as TUC has had a lot of dictionary-related discussion over the past 24 hours, I figured it was fitting that I pass this on. From urbandictionary.com, it's the "Spezza Pass".

When a hockey player swings the puck with their stick behind their back in the hopes of making some incredible passing play to their team-mate, and it instead goes tape-to-tape on the stick of the opposing player who is heading the other way. Usually results in a goal against or at the very least a strong scoring opportunity where the goalie has to save the day.

Note: A fancy attempt of tilting your wrist in the wrong direction can only be referred to as a 'Spezza Pass' if it results in the other team getting some kind of scoring opportunity.

Announcer: "And here comes Spezza across the line looking for the pass . . . what . . . the . . . *BLEEP* Did you see that Spezza Pass! AND THERE GOES OVECHKIN THE OTHER WAY! IN ON GOAL..."

Congrats, Jason. You must be so proud. And despite all of his own current drama, Jacques Martin is surely rubbing his ears together with glee while shrieking, "See! I told ya! 'S all you need to know!"

(Rack bump to Steve Lloyd for the find.)

Once again, the details: The Ottawa Senators traded Dany Heatley and a fifth-round pick to the San Jose Sharks for Jonathan Cheechoo, Milan Michalek and a second-round pick.

I've never been a huge fan of post-trade analysis -- I find it to be predictable and boring. Furthermore, there's only one person I like to hear post-trade thoughts from: You might know him as TSN's Hedgehog (and he's far more concise/accurate than any blogger).

That being said, I thought I'd take a page from the blog's title and offer you some thoughts on what I don't expect to happen due to this trade. These opinions stemmed from the swap itself, and some of the reactions I've read thus far.

1) I don't see Cheechoo on the first line. Seeing some of the imaginary lines being drawn up by fans are killing me. One in particular, Cheechoo-Spezza-Alfredsson, has me in stitches. Guess what, kids? Cheechoo is a RW. But that hasn't stopped some fans from engaging in pipe-dream trios:

"I'm sure Cheechoo would rather learn LW than be relegated to a 3rd/4th line role again. There's no way he moves Alfie or Kovalev out of position."

Let me get this straight: You're desperately hoping that Cheechoo -- an injury-prone player and recent underachiever -- will not only pick up the offensive slack lost with Heatley's departure, but will also be able to play effectively at LW? Good times, Ottawa! Oh, and that extra bit about not having the ability to move Alfredsson or Kovalev? Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.

2) I don't believe this trade will change Jason Spezza's game. I was reading Twitter yesterday as analysis of the trade began to fall out -- one of the takes that left me flabbergasted was the idea that Spezza could have a breakout year, and become a two-way player. Shhh...listen. Do you hear that? It's the sound of Jacques Martin laughing his ass off. Jason Spezza, barring a miracle, has peaked as an NHL player. He's a playmaker, and an immature one at that. The argument that he could turn out to be a late bloomer like Steve Yzerman needs to be left by the wayside. If that's what fans are expecting, they better not hold their breath. Bank on it.

3) I'm not expecting Milan Michalek to blossom into an offensive powerhouse. To be sure, I feel better about the addition of Michalek than I ever could about Cheechoo. However, Cory Clouston seems insistent about returning the Senators to a more responsible game (which is obviously a good thing). Anyone expecting some version of firewagon hockey in the nation's capital will be sorely disappointed. In short, I expect Michalek to serve as a secondary scoring boost -- not a primary scoring replacement.

4) I don't know how Alexei Kovalev is going to handle the pressure. When he signed as a Senator, Kovalev was viewed as a strong boost to secondary scoring that the Senators desperately needed. The only problem is, Ottawa now is deficient in primary offense, and Alexei will likely be expected to pick up some of the slack. Depending on his state of mind at the time, this could either work out well, or end up as a monumental disaster.

5) I don't see this move as being make-or-break for Bryan Murray. I wish I did, but the GM will likely skate again if the trade blows up in his face. Sens owner Eugene Melnyk thinks that Murray can do no wrong, and if the move goes sour, it will be blamed on Heatley's decision to force Murray's hand into a trade he wasn't completely satisfied with.

As for Dany Heatley, that's that. He arrived with much promise, and departed as a total disappointment. Meanwhile, the Senators' drama level drops, but for how long? This club lacks the ability to avoid it for any extended period.

More later.

* Jason Spezza served veal at his wedding. Perhaps he was waxing nostalgic for the days when Jacques Martin used to treat him like said-politically incorrect meat. (Ottawa Citizen)

* The names of the UFL teams have leaked -- notables include the Las Vegas Locomotives and the Orlando Tuskers. A "tusker" -- according to nationhahn, who posted the story on Twitter -- is a wild boar. I was hoping for some sort of Gulf-based dwarf walrus. (UFL Access)

* As featured on Yahoo! and Deadspin: Starbury TV. In the short time I watched, Stephon Marbury claimed to want to do an "Oprah-type show where (he) flew everyone in on a private jet." He also fancies it when you refer to him as "CEOBury." Utter (expletive) madness. (Starbury TV)

* The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair is a good media choice to follow on Twitter -- he's fairly entertaining and is willing to answer questions/engage in light debate. (Jeff Blair -- Twitter)

* An older link, but worth revisiting during the slow days of summer: Brutal hockey tattoos. Is there even such a thing as a good one? (The Hockey News)

As reported by Brent Wallace and Chris Stevenson, Dany Heatley will not be showing up to Jason Spezza's wedding in Ottawa this weekend. How much fear and dread can the softball Ottawa media put into one player? They may be disappointed that they won't get a crack at Heatley right now, but it wouldn't surprise me if they're secretly thrilled to have "scared him off."

That being said, I just thought I'd throw out this conspiracy theory for you, courtesy of The Driver: What if this was a red herring to throw the media off, and Heatley does manage to pull off a stealth appearance? It may piss off the media something fierce, but who cares? If he does end up staying here through some weird turn of events, it would go a long way in repairing the relationship with his teammates.

Chew on that. More later.

(The lazy-arse link edition)

* Newly appointed target of rage Alex Kovalev says he "(didn't) really have any options, choices" when he made his decision to come play for the Senators. Edmonton must be having a field day with this one. Hey Alex, have you ever heard of a little thing called a "white lie"? You know, like that yarn you tell people when they accuse you of losing your hair. (Ottawa Sun)

* Does Jason Spezza get a Team Canada invite with Joe Sakic's retirement likely imminent? Sens fans always did have a soft spot for unintentional comedy. (HFBoards)

* Neate Sager acts as the Voice of Reason regarding the sagas involving Steve McNair and Manny Ramirez. Without trying to sound like too much of a sycophant, it has to be said: Quebecor doesn't deserve this guy. (Out Of Left Field)

* I made a glaring omission from our luncheon table during the last blog post -- Sportsnet's Patrick King was also sitting with us. Pat's depth of knowledge during the entry draft made the majority of us look like total slackers, and he does a killer imitation of my facial expression in my passport photo. Analysis: Quality guy (despite the fact that he's younger than me, but I won't hold that against him). P.S.: He also has a Twitter account -- be sure to check it out. (Patrick King -- Sportsnet.ca)

* Whose opinion do you really want when Jason Whitlock loses it? That's right -- other cranky sports journalists...on a message board, no less. Welcome to their secret lair, and marvel at their inability to stay on-topic. (SportsJournalists.com)

...because I'm back. Let's not make a big deal out of it.



What can I tell you? Well, in the last three months, I a) have morphed approximately 75% of the way into a Blackhawks fan*; b) would give anything to be back in La Jolla right now (go Spunt!) and c) finagled Team Scott Norwood into covering the 2009 Entry Draft in Montreal for Kukla's Korner, where we got to see Boo Boo sporting a Family Guy t-shirt at Newtown.

(If that doesn't top your high comedy list, check this no-I'm-not-kidding seating arrangement at the prospects luncheon: Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski, my partner Patrick Williams, The Globe and Mail's Eric Duhatschek, Boo Boo and myself. Oh yeah, it was epic...and really comfortable. On the plus side, there was a poutine station at the lunch buffet. I think someone caught Pat Hickey drinking out of the gravy boat, but don't quote me on that.)

All right, that was then and this is now. I don't want this to head into Bill Simmons-esque territory, so I'm going to cover the two topics that matter. You want to hit on anything else, you know where the commentary goes. Let's get to it.

Dany "Notice Me, Give Me Attention -- I Don't Get Enough At Home" Heatley: I know you've all been e-mailing with your thoughts on the matter, and were curious as to mine -- which I haven't shared until now. Here's the thing: I already went through this once this year with the Denver Broncos. Remember when Jay Cutler tripped out and demanded a trade due to new babyface head coach Josh McDaniels (and the rumours that the QB was expendable)? Remember how it turned out? This is my freaking quarterback now:



In short, I'm trying to tell you that I already have an idea of how badly these things can end. That may not really come as a shock to you, but this might...

...I don't really give a damn how this particular tale ends.

Here's the thing: I haven't felt an affinity for Heatley in any way, shape or form since late December, 2006. What was so special about that time? That's when Jason Spezza went down with a knee injury and was out for 14 games, from just before Christmas, until the end of January. Heatley was forced to move ahead without his partner, and showed that he was capable of functioning as more of a complete player. He -- for whatever reason -- was willing to work at both ends of the ice, and it made me realize that he could be contributing so much more. So what happened when Jason Spezza returned to the team? No. 15 slipped back into his old ways, and I was left thoroughly disappointed, but not completely surprised.

Everyone talks about numbers, particularly about Heatley's capability to score 50 goals in a season, but they don't discuss the type of goals that they are. Are they clutch goals? Are they go-ahead goals with five minutes left in the third? Every once in a while, but the majority of the "sniper's" goals are garbage shots from down low, or right beside the net. There's a reason why this guy is dubbed a floater. He pads the total -- good on paper, but he's not an elite player. He's not a Crosby, and he's not an Ovechkin. Truth hurts, kids.

At this point, I would be heartily content if Bryan Murray flipped him for a handful of high draft picks and called it a day (even if I did want to see the GM tackle Ladislav Smid's name at least once). All of this "disappointment" from the front office and owner, combined with butterknife-edged response from the local media is so tired. Get rid of the cancer. Yesterday.

But you might want to have another round of chemotherapy on standby, because straight from the 514....here comes...Alex Kovalev!

(Whaa?)

Various deities bless the self-indulgent social media application that is Twitter. Watching the Kovalev news break was like a car crash that Sens fans couldn't turn away from. Right now, there are so many unanswered questions. Will he show up for road games? Will he and Jason Spezza fight over hair product? Will there be enough alcohol in Kanata to sustain his defensive foibles for two entire seasons? Welcome to Turnover Country, Ottawa! It'll be the mad hotness.

(Oh, and can someone be a dear and get me the season ticket sales for 2009-10? I've got it at 9,000 [taking the under] and I'd like to add a parlay of Spezza and Kovalev hitting 125 giveaways by January. Thanks, dollface.)

I know it's not enough after so long, but it will have to do for now. It's good to be back (reprise), and in the meantime, your punk asses can follow me over here.

More later.

____________

* Don't be coming at me with any "postseason bandwagon" nonsense. This has been several years in the making -- I wrote about it in the old column, for God's sakes. For the record, bank says I'm the only one in the city with a Patrick Sharp t-shirt.

...because if we haven't given you a nickname, you're pretty much a nobody.




Oh, look -- Giggles was so busy growing facial hair that he forgot to duck Bobby Clarke's shiv. Here's the notable quote from Clarke, courtesy of his Thursday appearance on TSN's Off The Record:

"Great players are hard to play against. I don't think anybody fears playing against Jason Spezza ... other than the fact he might score or make a great play on you. You never get bruised, you never get touched."


Black Aces took issue with Clarke's criticism by performing quite the name-drop:

"The latest media tirade against Jason Spezza came from Bobby Clarke. He complained that players don't fear playing against Spezza because he can only make you look bad by "making plays" but won't lay a hand on anyone.

What, you mean like Wayne Gretzky, Steve Yzerman, Mike Modano, Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Pat Lafontaine, Ron Francis, Joe Sakic, Evgeni Malkin, Patrick Elias and Jaromir Jagr?

If it was good enough for them, why not Spezza?"

While I've never been a huge fan of Spezza's, I'm inclined to agree with BA's take. Senators fans have always expected a lot out of No. 19 -- I don't think physicality was ever part of the equation. That's not to say fans wouldn't appreciate a little aggression from their No. 1 centre, but come on now. There seems to be this mentality that if players are being paid all this money, they had better be complete, and then some. We want them to be snipers, two-way performers, playmakers, muckers, leaders, team players, disciplinarians and (expletive)-disturbers. Show me a team made of nothing but complete players, and I'll show you a league that throws in the towel, and hands out its championship in the first month of the season.

That being said, fans are never going to stop coming down on players to improve upon their current skill set. If Chris Phillips is a shut-down defenceman, he should play the body. If Antoine Vermette and Mike Fisher are to be considered true two-way players, they have to find the back of the net.

As for Spezza -- if you want him to instill fear into the hearts of his opponents, why not squelch his predictability with the puck, both during his successes and errors?

(Okay, even I made myself laugh with that one.)

***

Who's in the mood for an overkill troika? I want to see Brian Burke collaborate with Guns N' Roses on a new soundtrack for Twilight. Seriously -- now that Brian's in Toronto, can we give it a rest already? I knew we were in too deep with Burke when it became common knowledge that a) his wife's name is Jennifer and b) she's seeking a prominent position in television. Honestly, can you think of the name of another GM's wife (and her current career aspirations) off the top of your head?

I guess I'm expecting too much. Burke's already getting credit for crap he had nothing to do with. TSN.ca's headline last night (post-Leafs victory) declared Burke's arrival as a "Successful Debut". Alrighty then.

More later.

"Hey, if Spezza hasn't done anything tonight, just throw his TOI up there! That's a relevant stat, right?"

Sigh.

Who's up for some redundant circling conversation? Let's talk defense! Chris Phillips lumbering behind the net to catch Fredrik Sjostrom, not thinking the Swede's pass to the point would be infinitely faster than No. 4's fumbling feet. The icing on the cake came when Fredrik was allowed to skate out to the side to actually score the goal himself. Stellar work. Oh, and please Brendan Bell, with your wobbly passes 15 feet off the mark -- save us from ourselves! If you listen closely, you can hear the 416 laughing their asses off.

Speaking of laughing -- if I hear one more person float the ludicrous idea of Jay Bouwmeester for Spezza straight up, I'm going to be accused of huffing nitrous oxide. You want to dangle for a semi-available quality offensive defenseman, and you think Kanata's favourite frat boy will accomplish that deed? Oh sure, no problem. You'll just have to get past this little obstacle first:



Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. I know long memories seem to be in short supply around here, but did you Mensas really forget about the relationship between Jacques Martin and Spezza? Martin had no patience for Spezza's (expletive) -- it showed, and then some. Being a defensive-minded coach, the idea of all that risky playmaking obviously sent shivers down his spine. Remember how long it took for all of us to truly see No. 19 for the first time? Remember how Jacques waited until the darkest hour during the New Jersey series in 2002-03, before he finally relented and put Spezza in the lineup? People took it out on Martin for not giving the kid a chance. We all insisted he'd grow up and balance out. Made sense at the time, didn't it?

The thing is, Jason's a grown man now (ahem), and his game has peaked on both sides. Those expecting him to turn into some sort of Yzerman v. 2.0, simply by buckling down and tapping into the Nepean water supply are only kidding themselves. Need some quick and dirty proof? Compare their respective skating abilities, then try and convince me otherwise. As for leadership -- do we really need to go there?

Jacques isn't blind -- he knows what's up. He had no time for Spezza when there was still an opportunity to mould him. Why on Earth would he want him now? Just saying.

Finally, one more blueline-related note: I've had more than my fill of the Senators' defensive sluttiness (for lack of a better word), and I know I can't be the only one. Have you honestly seen a team put up less of a fight when allowing the opponent into their zone? "Come on in, fellas! The more the merrier!" For God's sakes, I hope they at least bought you boys dinner first.

More later.

So the obsession with grit and leadership continues unabated, eh? Alrighty then.

Just to be clear: We don't have a problem with Jason Smith. The free agent brings valuable characteristics to the Senators (see above), although the salary ($5.2 million over two years) is a bit on the high side (yes, in spite of everything that's going on -- come on now, he's a 34-year-old stay-at-home blueliner). But...

(You knew that was coming, didn't you?)



1) Where the bloody (expletive) is the puck-moving defenceman that the Senators desperately require? Things with Meszaros have yet to be settled, and do you really want to put all your eggs in that basket? Same goes for Brian Lee -- he's just a kid and can't be expected to shoulder that load. The lack of a definitive defensive system in Ottawa already puts Lee at high risk for stunted development. They need someone who's fully developed with the skills and mindset to pick up from Redden's massive regression, and move the team forward (both literally and figuratively) at the blueline.

Pea Soup wasn't able to seduce any of the noted offensive defencemen available to the nation's capital, and we're left to ponder the reasons why. Obviously in the case of UFAs, it's their call (see puck-moving redhead, Brian Campbell). Campbell could've viewed Chicago as being on the way up, meanwhile Ottawa appears to be moving in the opposite direction. Alternatively, we could also suspect that Murray's hesitancy to throw the cash at a lengthy contract left him out in the cold. News flash to the GM: Don't know if you've noticed, but guys looking to drop 3.5 or less for a few years on a defenceman are signing Jeff freaking Finger*. Just saying.

As for guys like Dan Boyle, I loved the media's perplexed speculation as to why he didn't choose the Sens when he waived his no-trade clause. "Who wouldn't want to play in their hometown of Ottawa?" Yeah, you should have asked that same question of then-Baltimore Oriole Erik Bedard whenever he was on a rehab stint, and the Ottawa Lynx served as the O's farm team -- the guy's face would turn greener than escarole. Not everyone is willing to deal with that type of pressure. Furthermore -- and this kills the fragile Canadian psyche, which is why I love to point it out -- not all NHLers want to play in this country. Big money, low-key environment...San Jose, anyone? The Sens couldn't afford to make the trade regardless, so it's a moot point.

2) While guys like Smith are being signed, secondary scoring still remains a huge issue. I heard one media member claim last week that "a top six position (is) Nick Foligno's to lose at camp this year." WHAA? We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Foligno is a top-six winger on a team where Mike Fisher is your No. 1 centre. And if that's the case, welcome to 10th place overall, Ottawa.

3) Is anyone else bothered by the idea that Ottawa perpetually has to turn to outsiders for leadership? Grit is one thing -- we know the majority of this core is on the softer side. But the leadership -- particularly when you consider the amount of time the core has been together -- for Christ's sakes...what's the real issue here?

In talking with others about the situation, a couple made mention that Smith may be the one to "set Spezza straight" -- in other words, provide the tough love required for No. 19 to eventually hit the next level as an elite NHLer. But just a quick note here: Jason Spezza is now 25 years old, and has been in the league for 5 seasons. Shouldn't he be capable of maturing without such a desperate push? If he can't, what does that say about him as a player? It's quite possible that Spezza could always remain "young-at-heart", but what was once perceived as impish rambunctiousness has now morphed into borderline frat-boy-at-a-community-college territory. It's time to grow up, Peter Pan. Whether or not Jason Smith helps to accomplish that remains to be seen.

*twiddling thumbs and looking at the floor*

So yeah -- other than that, we don't have a problem with the signing. We just wish some of the other issues would have been resolved first.

_________

*My favourite status update on Facebook right now: "(Name) has a finger for you, Cliff Fletcher, and it isn't Jeff."

Two events I'm relieved are over: The Sens' pre-season and The Presidents Cup (a.k.a. Canadian golf Jesus v. American golf Jesus...at least on Sunday). One should not be listening to putter talk from Montreal in the afternoon on Team 1200, only to come home at night and watch Sens games on Rogers 22. Blech.

The pre-season is incapable of holding my interest for extended periods, but this Manatee storyline has the potential to get interesting with Ray Emery not ready for game play just yet. Contrary to popular belief, there are many persons of interest pulling for Gerber to succeed, and it has little to do with earning his keep. Emery may be considered the better goaltender in the city, but the issues he creates -- both publicly and privately -- do not strike the correct cohesive balance for this team (and we have provided the controversial reasons why in the past, albeit in an extremely roundabout manner).

Meanwhile, you have to think the one guy who might be getting anxious about the Dany Heatley negotiations (or lack thereof) is Daniel Alfredsson. Alfie committed to Ottawa for a lengthy period with a contract that now looks like a relatively frugal investment. He'll be making $5.451 million this season, and provides a salary cap hit of only $4.339 (according to NHLnumbers.com). His option years begin in 09/10, and the team's makeup could look drastically different by then -- particularly if the worst occurs and the team loses both Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley.

Speaking of future team makeup, the shortsightedness of some local media never ceases to amaze me. According to one talking head, Ottawa, over the course of the season, will gear up to trade Andrej Meszaros and Joe Corvo for forward building blocks while letting Wade Redden walk at the end of the season. How many quality offensive defensemen do they think the Sens will be hoarding in Binghamton? Are they going to clone Brian Lee? (Oh Jesus, I can't believe I said that.)


And finally, you know the normally placid LoCal fans in San Diego must be getting restless if they start chanting "Marty" in the fourth quarter. With the Bolts currently sitting at 1-3 (last in the division!), The Driver is in disbelief and has ceased wearing his Chargers hat out in public (he's gearing up to pull a hamstring, jumping off the bandwagon that fast). I know people are calling for Norv's head*, but the head coach midseason firing is something of a rarity in the NFL. Regardless, it's going to get oogly...can't wait. (I can say this now, before Denver goes 2-3 next week after the D inevitably throws up all over itself once more. O John Lynch, where art thou? Oh, and guess who they're playing in Week 5? LT can chew it.)

More later.

________________

* About Norv's head: Back in the day when he was coaching Washington, if you called Rome and referred to Turner as a "pineapple", Jim would hang up on you (funny as it was). Not to be insensitive, but I think it's less about the face, and more about the neck -- it almost looks like an octogenerian's knee-high stocking when it gets bunched around their ankle.

The following is a transcript taken from a mid-intermission interview with Sens' president Roy Mlakar, during the Sens-Capitals game on Rogers 22 last night. This was the answer given when the issue of potential future free agents Dany Heatley and Jason Spezza (UFA and RFA respectively) came up:

"Quite frankly, I find it amusing that the media has continued to talk about what’s going to happen after this great year, because I think the fans want to see what’s going to happen (this year). We’ve kept the core of the team together -- (GM) Bryan (Murray’s) done a hell of a job getting most of the guys back into the fold. Getting (Mike) Fisher long-term is tremendous. Not too many people have done what Mike (Fisher) has done here. Getting Chris Phillips done and (Anton) Volchenkov done long-term and just coming back as a Stanley Cup (participating) team, I think the fans are really excited. They really don’t want to hear what’s going to go on a year from now."

So are we to assume if the media chose not to discuss the futures of Wade Redden, Dany Heatley, Chris Kelly, Jason Spezza etc., that the fans wouldn't do it on their own? We're led to believe that fans don't wish to contemplate the future, or readily admit that their beloved team may ultimately have one more serious kick at the can before the vultures begin counting down the days to Dany Heatley's first day of freedom in July '08? Perhaps I should forward some choice missives from my inbox to members of the Sens' front office, because when it comes to my readers at least, the future -- and its relevance -- is now. The ironic thing is, as a columnist, I've barely brought the issue up with the exception of two Mike Fisher-based columns in the span of three months. The e-mails I've been receiving of late are totally unsolicited, but nearly all have inquired about the futures of the Senators' UFAs and RFAs.

Ottawa fans aren't about to take the Scarlett O'Hara approach of, "I won't think about that today; I'll think about it tomorrow." The potential loss of a back-to-back 50 goal scorer is an ominous threat to any team, regardless of when it will occur (and keep in mind that No. 15 is only one of many issues). If Heatley doesn't produce, Ottawa will be bitter over their "last big chance" potentially being wasted. If he thrives, they'll eventually be heartbroken because they know he'll be impossible to keep. I know we all like to question the fans' intelligence, but they're more than capable of coming to these conclusions on their own while discussing them to a vast degree, despite what may happen this season. Fans will want to know what's going on, and more importantly, they're eager to learn about the future of Dany Heatley and others in this city (if any). Frankly, to suggest otherwise borders on a high level of naivete.

...because everyone's seemingly desperate for something to talk about.

· Hello, Media? Sanity here. Since when is the half-baked idea of throwing Jason Spezza to the wolves considered to be new? Who are all these fans that are proclaiming that there's no place for Spezza in a complete lineup? I love how in the time that this kettle went from a simmer to a full boil, the media made it sound as if fans were burning Spezza effigies at the SBP, and placing homemade placards around Kanata condemning him (this has happened to other members of the organization in the past). I was seeking at least some of these signs -- similar to when people were calling for Jacques Martin's head. None of them were to be found.

Eventually I asked a friend where all this so-called Spezza hatred was coming from. The answer? The radio. Now I should explain that I don't listen to much of the Team these days. If anything, I may catch a bit of J.R. and Galley in the late aft, but even that tends to be sporadic. Listening to radio personalities finding hilarity in viewing women sporting Chad Johnson and Reggie Bush jerseys qualifies as a murder defense.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. Back to Spezza...

Let me get this straight: No 1. centre gets injured, team plays well without him, radio talk begins regarding player's worth, and the media reacts like this?

I get that they're desperate for something to talk about -- don't misconstrue that as sympathy, but I do understand to a degree. How does a little chatter go from restless discussion to the insinuation that Jason Spezza will be "understandably" driven to the trade-demanding diva route?

I hope others can give the kid a bit more credit than that.

Spezza knows what's expected of him. Undoubtedly he will be on a short leash when he returns, and the events of the past week have amplified his expectations and shortcomings to the nth degree. No one's debating that he needs to remain consistent, become defensively responsible and grow into a leader of the franchise. But he's also a playmaker who's 23 years old. He's going to (expletive) up, and there are plenty of other teams that are willing to have him do so in their respective uniforms.

The kid is staying -- deal with it. In the meantime, please stop fanning the flames of stupidity.

· Last Friday, I was out with The Driver running some errands, and stopped into Pesto's on Hazeldean.

(Aside: Pesto's, for those from The Land of Staalapalooza, has become my Nucci's/Maltese's replacement, although they lack a bakery. In spite of this, their gnocchi and various sauces still rate a full five Boo Boo avatars. I can't explain my joy at finding them, because I was convinced for nearly a decade that Ottawans wouldn't know an Italian deli if it smacked them upside the arse.)

Anyway, Pesto's is known in Kanata as one of those "spot the Senators" hotspots. In the near four years that I've lived out here, I have yet to see a player in the deli... until last week.

So why is a so-called media member making a big deal about seeing a player out and about?

Here's why: I didn't say a word to Fisher. In fact, I never talk to the players if I can at all help it.

For the record, he was not wearing his "Full Contact Fishing" hat. Do you think it's advisable for someone as injury-prone as No. 12 to engage in "full contact fishing"? I'd hope he'd mix in a life jacket before considering it.

Anyway, back to the story... I don't talk to the players, because it has never been essential to the column. The premise has always been to write from the fans' perspective -- fans view from afar. Generally, I'm not a fan of interviews, and rarely do I enjoy reading them -- especially those pertaining to hockey. And even when you make the effort to engage the subject in a different subject, they still can spit out the same cliches. There have been exceptions for me. Some of the most notable were the American-born players that attended the 2005 Entry Draft. Players like Jack Skille, Jack Johnson, Ryan Stoa, and yes, even Brian Lee gave wonderfully articulate and well-thought answers to my questions. I was incredibly impressed with them.

I remember reading Bill Simmons once stating that he didn't like doing interviews because it ruined the mystique -- you have one impression of a player in your head, and if you talk to them, and they let you down, it completely messes with your perception. I agree with that to a point. Unfortunately in this business, you still manage to discover things about players that disappoint you -- even without speaking a word to them -- and it alters the way you previously thought of the players.

How does everyone feel about player interviews? Is there something you'd like to know about someone that has yet to have been asked?

And finally -- who noticed during the Pats-Colts game that Phil Simms was advising the Colts that "Change is good, but bad for (Indy)" and "(Peyton Manning) must play the same, but different"? What exactly resides in that oversized melon of his? Helium? Sawdust?

More later.