The Universal Cynic

From Ian Mendes's Twitter last night:

"(Alex) Kovalev on scoring OT goal to break 12-gm point drought: 'I didn't have a slump. That's what you guys call a slump. I'm just doing my best.'"

Oh, alrighty then. Nice to know his best involved sucking up air on the bench for 12 games, to the tune of $731,707 (give or take -- he also gets a stipend for hair products).

It's odd how things can trigger weird memories. Kovalev's latest offering made me think of this quote from the brutal 90's blockbuster, The Rock. I think it fits the bill. Take it away, Mr. Connery -- and mind the Velveeta (language NSFW):

So we've got Dany Heatley covered -- who else is having issues? What say you, Mr. Kovalev? From TSN.ca:

The former Montreal Canadiens forward - who signed a two-year, $10 million deal with the Ottawa Senators as a free agent this summer - told reporters on Thursday that he likes the idea of finishing his career in Montreal.

"I was disappointed, I thought for sure I'd be staying here," said Kovalev at his charity golf tournament in Montreal. "I couldn't really understand what had just happened. In the end, I took it from a business point of view. You had a chance to stay here, and you didn't, so you just go and do the job somewhere else. But maybe somewhere in the future I'll be back again, and get the same support."

"I've been back to Montreal four or five times in the last three weeks," Kovalev continued. "Every time you see a fan on the street, (they say) they're really disappointed. That's why I say, maybe after two years I'll be back again. It definitely would be nice to retire here. But it's not for me to talk about Montreal - I'm part of another organization. I'm going to go there and do the best I can and we'll see what happens."

How about that, Ottawa? The guy who's been blatantly featured on the splash page of the Sens' website for some time, is already thinking about what comes after he wears the red, black and gold.

You also have to enjoy the bit about being part of "another organization" and "going to go there." Does he even know where "there" is? The man's already on autopilot, and appears to be biding his time until his self-imposed 24-month sentence is up.

This is epic. Anyone else want out? How about you, Winchester?

More later.

Cory Clouston's press conference took place yesterday afternoon, and the response we received was hardly a shock.

The Ottawa head coach was largely measured in his description of the drama surrounding Dany Heatley, verbalizing that the winger's role wasn't diminished in his opinion, and he was attempting to distribute scoring chances among the players.

To be fair, the Senators have always faced issues with secondary scoring -- Clouston could attempt to gear it up by switching things around, but history has shown it rarely works in lengthy doses. Heatley was, and still is regarded as the team's go-to guy for points (despite being a one-trick pony while doing so). Even if he wanted to legitimately reduce No. 15's role as punishment, the coach couldn't afford to do so.

That being said, The Driver brings up a relevant question:

"If Heatley thinks his role was diminished last year, what will his role be if he comes back and now he's fighting Kovalev for ice time?"

The newly-minted Clouston gained the confidence of fans and the front office with his effort to right a sinking ship last season. He will be looked upon to start this year out on the right foot, and it wasn't setting up to be an easy task, even prior to the Heatley circus. He could attempt to placate Heatley by getting him his touches, but how will that sit with a headcase like Alexei Kovalev (and vice versa)? Could you play them on a line together? Of course, but you get the feeling that there would be a visceral reaction from one or both if things weren't split right down the middle.

Clouston handled himself well yesterday, which couldn't have been easy, given the way he's been dragged into this mess (and regardless of the mounting evidence that suggests there's more to the story). One initially thought he had a pile of work to conquer if he had a chance of surviving a mid-season changing of the guard. That pile -- assuming that Heatley makes an appearance -- is beginning to look like Mt. Everest.

More later.

(The lazy-arse link edition)

* Newly appointed target of rage Alex Kovalev says he "(didn't) really have any options, choices" when he made his decision to come play for the Senators. Edmonton must be having a field day with this one. Hey Alex, have you ever heard of a little thing called a "white lie"? You know, like that yarn you tell people when they accuse you of losing your hair. (Ottawa Sun)

* Does Jason Spezza get a Team Canada invite with Joe Sakic's retirement likely imminent? Sens fans always did have a soft spot for unintentional comedy. (HFBoards)

* Neate Sager acts as the Voice of Reason regarding the sagas involving Steve McNair and Manny Ramirez. Without trying to sound like too much of a sycophant, it has to be said: Quebecor doesn't deserve this guy. (Out Of Left Field)

* I made a glaring omission from our luncheon table during the last blog post -- Sportsnet's Patrick King was also sitting with us. Pat's depth of knowledge during the entry draft made the majority of us look like total slackers, and he does a killer imitation of my facial expression in my passport photo. Analysis: Quality guy (despite the fact that he's younger than me, but I won't hold that against him). P.S.: He also has a Twitter account -- be sure to check it out. (Patrick King -- Sportsnet.ca)

* Whose opinion do you really want when Jason Whitlock loses it? That's right -- other cranky sports journalists...on a message board, no less. Welcome to their secret lair, and marvel at their inability to stay on-topic. (SportsJournalists.com)

...because I'm back. Let's not make a big deal out of it.



What can I tell you? Well, in the last three months, I a) have morphed approximately 75% of the way into a Blackhawks fan*; b) would give anything to be back in La Jolla right now (go Spunt!) and c) finagled Team Scott Norwood into covering the 2009 Entry Draft in Montreal for Kukla's Korner, where we got to see Boo Boo sporting a Family Guy t-shirt at Newtown.

(If that doesn't top your high comedy list, check this no-I'm-not-kidding seating arrangement at the prospects luncheon: Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski, my partner Patrick Williams, The Globe and Mail's Eric Duhatschek, Boo Boo and myself. Oh yeah, it was epic...and really comfortable. On the plus side, there was a poutine station at the lunch buffet. I think someone caught Pat Hickey drinking out of the gravy boat, but don't quote me on that.)

All right, that was then and this is now. I don't want this to head into Bill Simmons-esque territory, so I'm going to cover the two topics that matter. You want to hit on anything else, you know where the commentary goes. Let's get to it.

Dany "Notice Me, Give Me Attention -- I Don't Get Enough At Home" Heatley: I know you've all been e-mailing with your thoughts on the matter, and were curious as to mine -- which I haven't shared until now. Here's the thing: I already went through this once this year with the Denver Broncos. Remember when Jay Cutler tripped out and demanded a trade due to new babyface head coach Josh McDaniels (and the rumours that the QB was expendable)? Remember how it turned out? This is my freaking quarterback now:



In short, I'm trying to tell you that I already have an idea of how badly these things can end. That may not really come as a shock to you, but this might...

...I don't really give a damn how this particular tale ends.

Here's the thing: I haven't felt an affinity for Heatley in any way, shape or form since late December, 2006. What was so special about that time? That's when Jason Spezza went down with a knee injury and was out for 14 games, from just before Christmas, until the end of January. Heatley was forced to move ahead without his partner, and showed that he was capable of functioning as more of a complete player. He -- for whatever reason -- was willing to work at both ends of the ice, and it made me realize that he could be contributing so much more. So what happened when Jason Spezza returned to the team? No. 15 slipped back into his old ways, and I was left thoroughly disappointed, but not completely surprised.

Everyone talks about numbers, particularly about Heatley's capability to score 50 goals in a season, but they don't discuss the type of goals that they are. Are they clutch goals? Are they go-ahead goals with five minutes left in the third? Every once in a while, but the majority of the "sniper's" goals are garbage shots from down low, or right beside the net. There's a reason why this guy is dubbed a floater. He pads the total -- good on paper, but he's not an elite player. He's not a Crosby, and he's not an Ovechkin. Truth hurts, kids.

At this point, I would be heartily content if Bryan Murray flipped him for a handful of high draft picks and called it a day (even if I did want to see the GM tackle Ladislav Smid's name at least once). All of this "disappointment" from the front office and owner, combined with butterknife-edged response from the local media is so tired. Get rid of the cancer. Yesterday.

But you might want to have another round of chemotherapy on standby, because straight from the 514....here comes...Alex Kovalev!

(Whaa?)

Various deities bless the self-indulgent social media application that is Twitter. Watching the Kovalev news break was like a car crash that Sens fans couldn't turn away from. Right now, there are so many unanswered questions. Will he show up for road games? Will he and Jason Spezza fight over hair product? Will there be enough alcohol in Kanata to sustain his defensive foibles for two entire seasons? Welcome to Turnover Country, Ottawa! It'll be the mad hotness.

(Oh, and can someone be a dear and get me the season ticket sales for 2009-10? I've got it at 9,000 [taking the under] and I'd like to add a parlay of Spezza and Kovalev hitting 125 giveaways by January. Thanks, dollface.)

I know it's not enough after so long, but it will have to do for now. It's good to be back (reprise), and in the meantime, your punk asses can follow me over here.

More later.

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* Don't be coming at me with any "postseason bandwagon" nonsense. This has been several years in the making -- I wrote about it in the old column, for God's sakes. For the record, bank says I'm the only one in the city with a Patrick Sharp t-shirt.