The Universal Cynic

From the "TUC Finds This Strangely Interesting" files:

In 2006, certain choice readers of the column referred to me as an "idiotic woman who (didn't) know what (she was) talking about" when I said that a) now-New York Ranger Marc Staal should have been drafted by the Sens in '05 and b) the Battle of Ontario had lost its spark.

In 2008, these opinions have become common knowledge -- in fact, to state so will likely encourage mocking for pointing out the blatantly obvious.

Alrighty then.

P.S.: On an unrelated note, here's one for those from the Lakehead: Alex Auld will now be known as "Mount Baldy". Epic? Damn right.

Apologies for the lack of a Deglaze -- I've temporarily been placed on the IR and it's taken up more time than I had planned. Let's press forward with a couple of quick hits, shall we?

* Tonight's win against Buffalo was a nice first step, but I'll reserve judgment (ahem) until a proper turnaround occurs. And I know the last big U-turn two seasons ago began with the exact same opponent, but that was then, and this is now. I will give the Sens credit for showing some hustle, and watching Auld flash the leather a few times was great to see. By the way, how about that "Battle of The Nice Guys" in Auld vs. Lalime? I love the calm that both have brought to the dressing room during their time here, but they hardly give off the vibe of vicious competitors. They seem like they'd be more at home sitting at centre ice, sharing a plate of orange slices (of course, Alex would bring the Persians because he's good like that).

* For the record, the Cynic in me is convinced the team decided to show up tonight because they know they have to face The Man tomorrow. Does Giggles deserve a pony ride for his two goals this evening? Bank says he gets on the damned thing backwards. And by the way, a win did nothing to slow the "nuke 18 and 45" text messages on my cell phone tonight.

* Good to see that Mike Fisher is taking some online, but Antoine Vermette continues to skate (and not much else). What gives? I was told Mike Eastwood was giving it to him on the Team 1200 recently -- hopefully the knives don't take too long to come out. I've always been one of Vermette's strongest supporters, because I appreciated the speed and two-way finesse game he brought. Yes, he's soft, but how many freaking non-scoring "energy" guys does one team need? Problem is, he's been unable to find the back of the net, and for a team lacking in secondary scoring for some time now, that just won't do. People can talk about trading Mike Fisher all they want, but his no-movement clause runs through 2010-11. Furthermore, who wants to pick up a non-scoring, injury prone player with a lengthy contract? Vermette's issues can be excused, simply by implementing a "change in environment". Long story short -- if you dangle anyone, he's the guy. Except...

* After all the moves Bryan Murray has made lately, do you trust him to do the right thing?

* Finally, The Quality Moment Of The Evening: The Driver and I were heading home during the first period -- Dean and Gord were doing the call. I didn't hear who he was talking about (pretty positive it was a Buffalo player), but all of a sudden Dean said something to the effect of, "...and he looks like he just took an off-season course in equine artificial insemination...", when the feed abruptly went dead. That morning show gets away with murder, but Dean makes a crack about impregnating horses, and he gets taken out with the big white cane.*

More later.

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*Dude, I know it was one hell of a coincidence. Damn funny one, though.

...because all we have to say to The Driver during San Diego Chargers games is, "Your QB's a d*ck."

The following is a transcript taken from Coach's Corner on October 11th:

Don Cherry: "(John) Tavares is now supposed to be No. 2 (in the overall rankings for the 2009 NHL Entry Draft). They've got (Victor) Hedman -- a Swede naturally -- (ranked) as No. 1. You've seen Tavares so many times, you start picking on him. He broke Gretzky's junior goal-scoring record, he's leading the league right now and he's got 18 points in 9 names, yet we keep picking on him. Of course, Leafs management said (to hurt the kid's feelings) that there are no franchise player out there. Think about what he's done, and the kid hears that. But the Leafs -- you don't have to worry about it because he's from Ontario. They will never pick him. Listen to this: Seven of the top 10 draft picks this year were from the OHL. Top four were from the O. In the last 5 drafts, the Leafs have drafted 18 foreigners and 3 from Ontario. So some say, 'Why are you so upset?' Because I'm out amongst the kids. I see them wearing their (Leafs) toques, hats and jackets. They love the Leafs and they never get a chance to play for them."

Oh, my. Where to begin?

1) Do you get the idea that Don Cherry's hot on the OHL? Look, he's correct about 7 out of the top 10 picks from the '08 Draft -- they did come from the OHL. But if we're to assume that the Ontario Hockey League continues to pump out such high-quality talent, then the Leafs would have to remain fantastically mediocre and/or pony up some quality trade bait (ahem) in order to have access to these gems. Is that what you want, Don?

2) Last time I checked, Toronto's defence wasn't the most formidable group on the planet. If they think Hedman will help them more in the long run, that's their business (again, assuming they get the pick).

3) What the hell is all this nonsense about hurt feelings simply because a kid may not get the opportunity to be drafted by Toronto? What happened to being grateful just for the chance to play professional hockey? To be fair, I'm not posing that question to the eventual prospects -- any draft pick I've met has demonstrated nothing but joy at the idea of being taken by an NHL team. The city didn't matter -- they just wanted to have their name called, and slip the jersey over their heads. It's foolish to think that players don't have favourite teams going in, but to be quite frank, there's only one prospect in recent memory who was relatively candid about where he wanted to go. That player was Drew Doughty, and I'm guessing the only reason why he admitted it was due to the way the stars were aligning. Doughty had been a long-time fan of the Kings, and was slated to go high in the Draft. In 2008, Los Angeles had the No. 2 pick, and selected Doughty with it. But I can say in Doughty's defense that he claimed he'd be happy wherever he ended up. The sentiment seemed sincere, and I believed him during our interview. Barring the rare exception (i.e. Eric Lindros), draft picks seem to readily embrace their new franchise when chosen. That's what makes this whole "Toronto's going to upset the kids if they don't draft them" idea so ridiculous. Besides, who's to say they won't get a chance to play for the Leafs later on in their career? Although....

4) Let's have a look at some of the recent players who wanted to "live the childhood dream" of playing for their beloved Leafs: Eric Lindros. Mike Peca. Andrew Raycroft. Jason Blake (although he did score a goal the other night, so maybe things can turn around for him). Good times, right?

In short: Methinks John Tavares' precious little heart won't be broken for long if doesn't end up in the blue and white. But if the Leafs want him -- or any other high-ranking OHLer for that matter -- they'd better get to tanking (insert obligatory Marcus Allen riff here).

***

Listen...do you hear that? It's the sound of Sens fans obsessing about their former players. The latest ex-Senator to earn the spotlight is Black Cloud Redden, whom Ottawa supporters have undoubtedly noticed during the New York Rangers' hot start to the season. The former (and current) No. 6 has three points with his new team -- 2 G, 1 A. Question Of The Day: Is this really worth tripping out over? BFD, says I. A Redden offensive renaissance is hardly unexpected right now -- new team, new "attitude"...for the meantime. And keep in mind that just because he's been scoring recently doesn't mean he won't continue to (expletive) up like mad in his own end. Watch and wait...you'll see.

***

And finally, from the media files...

From The Ottawa Sun's Digital Faceoff on Saturday, entitled "Can the Sens win a Cup with Gerber in Goal?"

Bruce Garrioch: "Don, you should adopt (Alex) Auld as your man. A good North Bay boy like yourself..."


Alex Auld was born in Cold Lake, AB, but he's as much an Albertan as Dany Heatley is German. Auld calls Thunder Bay home, not North Bay. They're nearly 1,100 kilometres apart, and take it from someone who knows: There is a difference. A petty barb? Likely so, but it seems Ottawans have a difficult time understanding that life exists beyond the 705. After 11 years, I've grown more than a little tired of it.

(Memo to the media -- let me spare you the trouble. "Erin, stop being such a (expletive) bitch. You've never made a mistake before?" Probably have, but never about that. Trust.)

More later.

(The above poster is prominently featured on a bulletin board in my office. It's uh... on "permanent loan" from the Robin's Donuts' collection of Marathon, Ontario.)

Ugh...I have a bloody headache (largely from battling with my Yahoo! mail, which continues to go AWOL whenever the mood suits it -- I'm still receiving contact via Carrier pigeon, so try that for now). Where do we begin to tackle the unprecedented crap of the past six days? Common sense dictates to begin with the positive. Alrighty then.

Well, credit to the Sens for scoring up backup goaltender (and good Lakehead Boy) Alex Auld (see bottom left corner of photo). It wasn't a flashy signing, but Auld is big, under 30, inexpensive (the contract covers two years, for $2 million) and fairly consistent. Colour us biased, but it's about time the club picked up a player raised on Persians and Bare Point water, especially after they decided to pass on this guy in '05. For what it's worth, the Senators now have two bald goaltenders. That's got to count for something.

Local media have already attempted to flash their Lakehead knowledge at Auld -- during one interview where the backstopper was speaking to media while purchasing groceries, Auld was asked if he was at "Intercity" (the media member then made mention of spending previous time in the Bay). There's no grocery store in the mall, rook. Auld then stated that he was off to camp, which begins us to another point...

Dude is going to need a nickname -- for now, we're thinking we should name him after whichever lake his camp is located on (and I'm not talking about where he's pitching a tent, Mensas -- see the Lexicon of Yore for clarification). I'll be turning to my trusty sources to pull the info, but expect that Auld could soon be referred to as "Hawkeye", "Loon", "Dog", "Oliver" or "Mirror".

(Wait...that last one would've been more appropriate for the departing guy, right? Damnit, I said I was going to let that go.)

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Other things we enjoyed...

Marian Hossa's deal is freaking brilliant. I don't understand the "traitor" remarks from some -- he was a rental in Pittsburgh, plain and simple. He goes to an elite team, and both sides understand why he's there: To win the Cup. If Detroit doesn't pull it off, they're not committed to him -- Marian walks. And if this last week has taught us anything, it's that a player can tumble, falter -- hell, fall flat on his face -- and still cash in. Hossa can do jack (expletive), and still end up as an 8-million dollar player in 2009-10. If he helps bring another championship back to Detroit, 10 million isn't out of the realm of possibility. In fact, it's practically a given.

Here's something else Hossa-related: Did anyone else enjoy Peter Chiarelli's epic little freakout when it became obvious that the Bruins were out of the running for the Slovak, and decided to throw cash at Michael Ryder instead? Ryder's most memorable moments of late either involve being benched or not dressing at all for playoff games (he played in only four games with Montreal during last year's postseason). Combine that fact with 31 points in 70 games last season, and that's somehow worth $12 million over three years? Enjoy, Boston.

(It's worth noting that Bruins' coach Claude Julien has handled Ryder through nearly every stage of his career, and in speaking with sources close to the coach, it's obvious that Julien thinks very highly of him -- hence the signing. However, Chiarelli is still the guy holding the manpurse strings, and he obviously let them fly right open on this deal.)

Next up: "Why defencemen take one look at Ottawa and run in the other direction"

a.k.a.

"Was I supposed to reference Redden's departure?"

a.k.a.

"The rage unabated"

(Yeah, that'll do.)

More later.

From Sportsnet:

Belfour's Bottle Injures Auld

Florida Panthers' goalie Alex Auld was injured early Friday morning at his team's hotel in Uniondale, NY, after slipping on water when Ed Belfour dropped his bottle of water.

As reported in Sunday's Miami Herald, Auld needed stitches above his right eyebrow after the incident in the lobby and did not play Saturday night against the New York Islanders.

Belfour vehemently denied various eyewitness accounts that he had become belligerent at an adjacent bar, where teammates stepped in and tried to get him out.

"We weren't even drinking," said Belfour, who has had a history of alcohol-related legal problems. "There was no alcohol involved whatsoever. There was no drinking, it was a pure accident. I don't even know why we're talking about this now, especially on a game day. We were just hanging out. We went, had a bite to eat and were watching some of the [World Series] baseball game. That was it. We all left together."

First Letowski gets hammered, now this? By the way, the least Eddie could've done was offer Auld one billion dollars to cover his insurance costs.