Fusspot rants, embarrassing photos of yourself and general correspondence go here: universalnicks@gmail.com

...because all we have to say to The Driver during San Diego Chargers games is, "Your QB's a d*ck."

The following is a transcript taken from Coach's Corner on October 11th:

Don Cherry: "(John) Tavares is now supposed to be No. 2 (in the overall rankings for the 2009 NHL Entry Draft). They've got (Victor) Hedman -- a Swede naturally -- (ranked) as No. 1. You've seen Tavares so many times, you start picking on him. He broke Gretzky's junior goal-scoring record, he's leading the league right now and he's got 18 points in 9 names, yet we keep picking on him. Of course, Leafs management said (to hurt the kid's feelings) that there are no franchise player out there. Think about what he's done, and the kid hears that. But the Leafs -- you don't have to worry about it because he's from Ontario. They will never pick him. Listen to this: Seven of the top 10 draft picks this year were from the OHL. Top four were from the O. In the last 5 drafts, the Leafs have drafted 18 foreigners and 3 from Ontario. So some say, 'Why are you so upset?' Because I'm out amongst the kids. I see them wearing their (Leafs) toques, hats and jackets. They love the Leafs and they never get a chance to play for them."

Oh, my. Where to begin?

1) Do you get the idea that Don Cherry's hot on the OHL? Look, he's correct about 7 out of the top 10 picks from the '08 Draft -- they did come from the OHL. But if we're to assume that the Ontario Hockey League continues to pump out such high-quality talent, then the Leafs would have to remain fantastically mediocre and/or pony up some quality trade bait (ahem) in order to have access to these gems. Is that what you want, Don?

2) Last time I checked, Toronto's defence wasn't the most formidable group on the planet. If they think Hedman will help them more in the long run, that's their business (again, assuming they get the pick).

3) What the hell is all this nonsense about hurt feelings simply because a kid may not get the opportunity to be drafted by Toronto? What happened to being grateful just for the chance to play professional hockey? To be fair, I'm not posing that question to the eventual prospects -- any draft pick I've met has demonstrated nothing but joy at the idea of being taken by an NHL team. The city didn't matter -- they just wanted to have their name called, and slip the jersey over their heads. It's foolish to think that players don't have favourite teams going in, but to be quite frank, there's only one prospect in recent memory who was relatively candid about where he wanted to go. That player was Drew Doughty, and I'm guessing the only reason why he admitted it was due to the way the stars were aligning. Doughty had been a long-time fan of the Kings, and was slated to go high in the Draft. In 2008, Los Angeles had the No. 2 pick, and selected Doughty with it. But I can say in Doughty's defense that he claimed he'd be happy wherever he ended up. The sentiment seemed sincere, and I believed him during our interview. Barring the rare exception (i.e. Eric Lindros), draft picks seem to readily embrace their new franchise when chosen. That's what makes this whole "Toronto's going to upset the kids if they don't draft them" idea so ridiculous. Besides, who's to say they won't get a chance to play for the Leafs later on in their career? Although....

4) Let's have a look at some of the recent players who wanted to "live the childhood dream" of playing for their beloved Leafs: Eric Lindros. Mike Peca. Andrew Raycroft. Jason Blake (although he did score a goal the other night, so maybe things can turn around for him). Good times, right?

In short: Methinks John Tavares' precious little heart won't be broken for long if doesn't end up in the blue and white. But if the Leafs want him -- or any other high-ranking OHLer for that matter -- they'd better get to tanking (insert obligatory Marcus Allen riff here).

***

Listen...do you hear that? It's the sound of Sens fans obsessing about their former players. The latest ex-Senator to earn the spotlight is Black Cloud Redden, whom Ottawa supporters have undoubtedly noticed during the New York Rangers' hot start to the season. The former (and current) No. 6 has three points with his new team -- 2 G, 1 A. Question Of The Day: Is this really worth tripping out over? BFD, says I. A Redden offensive renaissance is hardly unexpected right now -- new team, new "attitude"...for the meantime. And keep in mind that just because he's been scoring recently doesn't mean he won't continue to (expletive) up like mad in his own end. Watch and wait...you'll see.

***

And finally, from the media files...

From The Ottawa Sun's Digital Faceoff on Saturday, entitled "Can the Sens win a Cup with Gerber in Goal?"

Bruce Garrioch: "Don, you should adopt (Alex) Auld as your man. A good North Bay boy like yourself..."


Alex Auld was born in Cold Lake, AB, but he's as much an Albertan as Dany Heatley is German. Auld calls Thunder Bay home, not North Bay. They're nearly 1,100 kilometres apart, and take it from someone who knows: There is a difference. A petty barb? Likely so, but it seems Ottawans have a difficult time understanding that life exists beyond the 705. After 11 years, I've grown more than a little tired of it.

(Memo to the media -- let me spare you the trouble. "Erin, stop being such a (expletive) bitch. You've never made a mistake before?" Probably have, but never about that. Trust.)

More later.