The Universal Cynic

Yeah, I know I'm late. Shut the hell up -- you wanted it, so you're getting it. Here's my first -- and hopefully the last -- word on Sean Avery.

We know what Sean said was inappropriate. We know the media's reaction was beyond hypocritical. And we know that women aren't as offended by this incident as men seem to insist they are. Let's move on to some lesser discussed issues surrounding this incident, shall we?

1) The whole idea of shining the spotlight on misogyny smacks me as incredibly hilarious. Chew on this, Big League: An extremely large proportion of the population is disrespectful to the female gender to some degree. Hell, I wouldn't hesitate to lump myself into that category as well. You can deny it all you want, but here's the truth: Society as a whole likes to employ female-related terminology and issues in a derogatory manner -- so much so that it's become commonplace. How many times have you heard someone refer to a cranky person as a "bitch"? Worse still, how often do you think said person was asked if it was "their time of the month"? For the hell of it, here's a personal example: A while ago, a reader sent me an e-mail, criticizing Mike Fisher. The thing was, the reader wrote "Hunt" between No. 12's first and last name. Funny? No. Vulgar? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely not. So why do it? Is "because we can" a good enough reason?

And yes, you'll notice I wrote "population" above, not just "men". Women are not only willing participants in the regular slagging of their gender, but they also choose to a) tolerate it and b) encourage it to a baffling degree. Don't believe me? Check out footage from a Girls Gone Wild video, or a clip from Mardi Gras sometime. You can literally call a woman a "slut" or "whore" to her face, then command (not ask) her to bare her breasts for you. Not only will the woman likely acquiesce, but she'll probably giggle prior and post-flash, then buy you a Hurricane afterward. What a world. (For more on this mentality, go pick up Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy.)

The idea that Sean Avery went "over the line" with his comments makes no sense to me. Society shows that this kind of talk has made its way into our general verbal expressions on an everyday basis. It doesn't mean it's acceptable, but rather that you have to pick your spots when it does occur. Sean's comments were gross, but they really weren't offensive. What is offensive, is to think that the male-dominated sports media has hoodwinked the masses with their feigned shock and disgust. Memo to The Old Boys' Club: Don't try to bull(expletive) me, okay? I know you. When you heard it, you laughed. And don't pretend like you can't relate to the language used -- I heard far worse epithets being dropped in the Ottawa Senators' press box during my time there. Some of you said things within my earshot that would make Avery look like a saint. Oh, but there weren't any cameras around, right? I guess that means it doesn't count.

2) You may have noticed claims that Avery's comments were meant more as a shot against Dion Phaneuf as opposed to Phaneuf's girlfriend (and Avery's ex), Elisha Cuthbert. May I offer another reason why women seem to be less up in arms about this incident: Selective defense. My gender is a funny group. Call Paris Hilton a "slut", and you'll likely get a Marcus Allen-related retort. Use the same term for Angelina Jolie, and well, you'll come across more than a few who will defend her. Both Hilton and Jolie have, shall we say, sketchy histories. However, with Jolie's large (partially adopted) brood, philanthropic efforts and UN appearances, she has shrewdly become a likable and sympathetic figure.

Elisha Cuthbert is a C-level actress who has done little of note -- short of dating NHL players. This is the girl who faced the mountain lion on 24, and everyone was rooting for the cat (Jack Bauer would've gotten over it in 3 or 4 hours, tops). Have we ever seen any puck bunnies in the past who were deemed to be sympathetic cases (let alone puck bunny-actress hybrids)? Don't think so. My gender will never take up for a woman like that. Case closed.

To summarize: When I heard Avery's remarks, I laughed to myself. That being said, I knew what he did was inappropriate, but it didn't offend me. The media has completely blown this incident out of proportion for one reason, and one reason only: Attention. They know when Avery talks these days, he draws more eyeballs and ears than Crosby and Ovechkin combined...and THEY LOVE HIM FOR IT. Sean's actions were premeditated, and the media's response was totally predictable. However, since the infamous soundbite was dropped, only one of these parties has been referred to as a "joke" due to their actions. We may want to re-think that take. And in meantime, why don't you let me decide what is, or isn't offensive? Have I ever had a problem telling you otherwise? Yeah, that's what I thought.

More later.

Just a couple of random bits and pieces...



Can we squash the idea of Sean Avery coming to Ottawa as a UFA next season? I've seen the media float this out there once or twice, and my reaction is always, "Woman, please." It's not that I would have a problem with it-- the idea is, as they say, "good on paper". However, did anyone stop to consider that Ottawa probably doesn't have all the attributes that someone like Sean may be looking for?

Too vague for you? Well then, let me put it bluntly:

The women from Ottawa are not hot enough for Avery to drop the hammer on.

There, I said it. (And I can say it because I'm not from here. Not that I'm saying I'm attractive enough to...wait...what was my point again? Eject! Eject!)

And here's a little Avery non-sequitur for you Northwestern Ontario types: Did you know his dad played for Lakehead University? Chris Pronger's dad, Jim, is also a Norwester alumnus. Maybe the Crystal or Bare Point water buggered with their DNA, thereby allowing them to eventually produce such notorious (expletive)-disturbers. 'Bay rage!

If you want to know more, here's a nice piece about Lakehead fathers who suited up for the Norwesters (George Letowski, Henry Staal etc.) and their NHL-playing sons.

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Quick question: Hands up if you think the Sens need to do away with Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On" as Dany Heatley's goal song? Frey's "hit" came out in '85 -- Dany Heatley was 4 at the time. I dunno...maybe we could find something that's a bit more recent and a billion times less cringe-inducing? Heatley looks like he wants to hide every time they break that out. Maybe I'm expecting too much. After all, they played Kris Kross ("Jump") for Nick Foligno as opposed to House of Pain ("Jump Around"). And don't even get me started on their incessant need to play "Alley Cat" on the organ -- I feel like I'm watching games from the old Montreal Forum.

(If you need a refresher to experience the hell that is "Alley Cat", search the song's title along with "The Emeralds" in iTunes. I'd rather watch Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole on a continuous 48-hour loop.)


More later.

Let no one speak your name again until this June. Potentially next on the docket from Stuff Magazine's Hot 100: Elisha Cuthbert (the real one). We know who the media wants the Sens to face in the next round, and 10 to 1 says they all make feeble attempts to dress better if they catch wind of the frat-boy mag fave being within 100 km of the city -- you know, because they all have a shot at getting with her. Personally, I'm hoping for it as well -- simply due to the plethora of 24 references that'll inevitably come out. By the way Kim, tell your dad to feel free to lay out Silver Spoons. He's annoying as all hell.

When it comes to Senators hockey, 99% of the time, we'd rather spend any game night with Bad Religion instead. We did just that on Wednesday, blowing off the Sens' preseason home opener vs. the Leafs, and instead heading down to the Civic Centre for a very decent show. (Apparently the boys gave the 67's a surprise when they turned up in their dressing room unexpectedly.)

I've privately been taken to task about my comments regarding some of the newest Sens, so I thought last night would be a good time to confirm my findings regarding Joe Corvo with L.A. Kings freak and Bad Religion guitarist, Greg Hetson.

Guess what? Greg said that "(Corvo) has always been like that. He's always been frantic." Oh, so it wasn't just the nerves of training camp? Fantastic.

As for Kings forward Sean Avery, Greg claims the instigator always knew that he was going to be re-signed with L.A. Avery went so far as to allegedly state, "How could they not re-sign me? If I'm not there, who's going to come out to see the (Kings)?"

Like I said, typical Avery. Sure sounds like him.