The Universal Cynic

Players expected to attend (schedule details follow below):

GOALTENDERS
30 *Brian Elliott G 6’3 186 23 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2003 draft, 291st overall
35 Justin Pagliero G 6’ 195 24 Niagara University (NCAA) 2008, free agent

DEFENCEMEN
45 Erik Karlsson D 5’10 157 18 Frolunda HC (Sweden), Sweden (U-18) 2008 draft, 15th overall
46 Patrick Wiercioch D 6’3 178 17 Omaha (USHL) 2008 draft, 42nd overall
51 *Derek Smith D 6’ 210 25 Elmira (ECHL), Binghamton (AHL) 2007, free agent
55 *Brian Lee D 6’3 190 21 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2005 draft, 9th overall
57 *Mattias Karlsson D 6’2 220 23 Bjorkloven (Sweden), Farjestads BK (Sweden), Binghamton (AHL) 2003 draft, 135th overall
59 *Tomas Kudelka D 6’1 176 21 Elmira (ECHL), Binghamton (AHL) 2005 draft, 136th overall
62 *Eric Gryba D 6’3 215 20 Boston University (NCAA) 2006 draft, 68th overall
68 Mitch Ganzak D 5’11 200 24 U. Miami (Ohio) (NCAA), Manitoba (AHL) 2008, free agent
69 Zach Miskovic D 6’1 185 23 St. Lawrence University (NCAA) 2008, free agent
70 *Ben Blood D 6’3 212 19 Des Moines (USHL), Indiana (USHL) 2007 draft, 120th overall
74 Mark Borowiecki D 6’1 175 19 Smiths Falls (CJHL) 2008 draft, 139th overall

FORWARDS
18 Jesse Winchester C 6’ 200 24 Colgate (NCAA), Ottawa (NHL) 2008, free agent
41 Alexander Nikulin C 6’1 192 22 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2004 draft, 122nd overall
42 *Jim O’Brien C 6’2 184 19 Seattle (WHL) 2007 draft, 29th overall
43 Peter Regin C 6’1 185 22 Timra IK (Sweden), Denmark (WC) 2004 draft, 87th overall
47 Zack Smith C 6’2 202 20 Swift Current (WHL), Manitoba (AHL) 2008 draft, 79th overall
50 *Shawn Weller LW 6’2 205 21 Elmira (ECHL), Binghamton (AHL) 2004 draft, 77th overall
52 *Colin Greening C/LW 6’2 210 22 Cornell (NCAA) 2005 draft, 204th overall
53 *Ilya Zubov C 6’ 176 21 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2005 draft, 98th overall
56 *Kaspars Daugavins LW 5’11 181 20 Mississauga (OHL), Binghamton (AHL) 2006 draft, 91st overall
58 *Cody Bass C 6’ 209 21 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2005 draft, 95th overall
65 Ruslan Bashkirov LW 5’11 186 19 Khimik Moscow (Russia) 2007 draft, 60th overall
67 *Louie Caporusso C 5’10 185 19 U. Michigan (NCAA) 2007 draft, 90th overall
68 *Erik Condra RW 6’ 202 21 Notre Dame (NCAA) 2006 draft, 211th overall
71 *Nick Foligno LW 6’ 188 20 Binghamton (AHL), Ottawa (NHL) 2006 draft, 28th overall
72 Andre Petersson RW 5’9 169 17 HV 71 Jr. (Sweden) 2008 draft, 109th overall
73 Derek Grant C 6’3 190 18 Langley (BCHL) 2008 draft, 119th overall


Highlights of the Senators development camp schedule:
- On-ice training every day at the Bell Sensplex, starting Tuesday, June 24, at 1:30 p.m., with the exception of the two days with 3-on-3 tournaments.
- Two 3-on-3 tournaments at the Bell Sensplex on Friday, June 27, at 9:30 a.m. and Monday, June 30, at 9:30 a.m.
- Off-ice workouts at Scotiabank Place the mornings of June 25, 26, 28 and 29.
- A vision training session at Dynamic Edge Sports Vision Training Centre – Bell Sensplex
- A Dragon Boating outing with the Ottawa Dragon Boating Foundation on June 25 from 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.
- A specialized healthy eating/cooking seminar held by culinary experts at The Urban Element on Parkdale Avenue.
- All on-ice workouts, including the two 3-on-3 tournaments, are open to the public.

It looks like the octogenarian* dynamo known as Gary Roberts is cutting ties with Pittsburgh, leaving him free and clear to be obsessed about by Ottawa (and its front office) come July 1.

Few teams have experienced such internal trauma over a player they weren't able to obtain. This time around, it's Gary's choice again, and God only knows what he'll decide to do -- there's no Joe Nieuwendyk around to hold hands with. ("I know -- let's go to Florida together!") Seriously -- did that really happen?

Anyway, I fully expect everyone in this city to begin tripping out over this news. Sigh. As if Ottawa weren't annoying enough.

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* I know Roberts is 42, but the man dealt with minor a case of pneumonia during the playoffs. Who gets pneumonia in the spring? Next I'll be finding out that he buttons his pants under his chin.

Here's something a bit different that we wanted to share...

TUC reader Howard Shapiro is a children's book author and a hockey fan. His latest work, Hockey Player For Life (with a foreword written by Keith Primeau), is a follow-up to a previous work called Hockey Days. Here's a brief intro from the book's media release:

The story features the main character from 'Hockey Days', Tom Leonard who is now 13 years old, as he becomes his AA hockey team's 'can't miss kid.' Along the way to the NHL, Tom hits a few road bumps and it takes his best friend Terry Adamson, who is the team's worst player, and Tom's mom and dad to teach him what it means to be a hockey player for life.

Howard had a friend produce a video that uses speed painting technology to help promote the book -- be sure to check it out below.

Hockey Player For Life will be released on October 7th (available at Amazon.com), and is aimed at 11-15 year-olds. To learn more, head over the book's website.

...because the draft had an overabundance of moustache representation, and to my knowledge, we were nowhere near a gay bar.

By now you've probably heard about the enormous cluster(expletive) which occurred when the NHL hung our Internet access at this year's Entry Draft out to dry. We weren't hooked up again until late into Day 2 -- by that time, the Scott Norwood Section (representing for Kukla's Korner) felt as overhyped and ineffective as a Wade Redden-Andrej Meszaros pairing. Explanations, updates and apologies were very few and far between (it's worth noting that the online access was also down for Day 1 of last year's draft in Columbus). This inconvenience left a fair amount of time for fuming, gossiping and general observation of a bizarre nature. Although it pales in comparison to the scope of the event, one of The Other TSN's favourite moments occurred when a local writer (who's been under the gun lately) went running past while exclaiming, "This is so exciting!" All that was missing was a starched pinafore, balled fists and a Shirley Temple wig. Oh, and in case you were wondering: The real secret behind Detroit's front office success? Pistachios. Lots of them.

Speaking of Detroit, it was entertaining to see which teams were following their line of thinking at the draft. It's part of the new NHL -- "Success According To (current Cup champions)." Now to be fair, the Red Wings are the only team capable of laying any type of claim to the word "dynasty" right now. But for teams playing catch-up, the situation becomes more interesting...particularly when you're talking about the backpedaling that's involved.

Take, for example, James Duthie's interview with Senators GM Bryan Murray, post-No.1 pick. In the first round, Ottawa took Swedish defenceman Erik Karlsson, and traded up in the draft to do so. The blueliner is listed as being 5' 11" and 165 lbs (apparently the scouting reports left out the "soaking wet" part). Karlsson is labeled as a two-way defenceman with great mobility and passing skills, which allegedly makes up for his lack of size.

The Sens' first-round picks in last two years were Jim O'Brien ('07) and Nick Foligno ('06). Both are at least 6 feet, and Foligno, who was present during draft proceedings, has noticeably bulked up during the off-season. Duthie asked Murray point-blank about his sudden about-face. "You sat with me here last year, and said that big, strong players win championships." Pea Soup's response was unremarkable -- something to the effect of going after the best players available -- but you can't help but think Murray was suddenly willing to change his mindset, after witnessing what Detroit accomplished with mobile defencemen that didn't share DNA with a California Redwood.

All teams will try to mimic the moves of a Cup champion to some degree, but the Senators' feeble attempts seem far more blatant. It's like following fashion -- right now, Detroit's haute couture (bank says that's the first time that sentence has been written). Ottawa is like the chick in Des Moines with a scrunchie in her hair, flipping through a March '99 issue of Cosmopolitian. The Sens lack an identity of their own, but they're also behind on the trends and incapable of figuring out what works for them.

Oh, and about that Chris Kelly signing? Sure, it's nice to retain the speed and PK ability, but what's up with paying above the position? Now Ottawa is paying Mike Fisher as if he's a No. 2 centre, and Kelly as if he's a No. 3 -- yet neither puts up the offensive totals required (47 and 30 points respectively last season) to hold those roles on a permanent basis. But that doesn't mean we won't see both of them in said spots next year, right? Good times!

More later.

P.S. Something that definitely wasn't expected -- TUC received a lot of praise from various media (who will remain anonymous) for this controversial post. It was bizarre, but very nice to know that the effort was appreciated.

Post coming later on this aft -- just tying up some loose ends. Stay tuned...

A semi-interesting day as the media and league pours into Ottawa for the draft...

I spent the early afternoon at the top prospects luncheon -- have you ever seen a 45-year-old print writer attempt to use a cloth napkin? High comedy. Every media member came out to ask their repetitive questions, goober over wide-eyed prospects in golf shirts and gorge on an overabundance of food -- including a Beavertails station (yes, seriously). I should be telling you something about the prospects that really stood out -- honestly, I was distracted for a period by the sight of Pierre McGuire in a plaid shirt that must have been regurgitated upon by an Easter egg (oh, and flip flops). The interviews I did manage to snag (post-media scarf) will be available on KK, so keep an eye on their site throughout the day.

Patrick, my KK/The Other TSN partner made it out to the media reception at the Heart & Crown last night -- I was not in attendance. For the record, I drink about as often as Patrick's country legally elects a president. P did manage to keep me in the loop via text, describing the party as featuring "general oddities and lameness", as well as the surprising news that commissioner Gary Bettman made an appearance. (At this point, I should mention last night's invite specified that beer was free.) How do you think that would've gone?

"Hey...hey Gare...whenareyougonna...let the...the Winnipeg...back in?"

(slumping over Bettman's shoulder) "Now, this is the guy...this guy right here...he's the guy..."

(5 seconds later)

"(Expletive) you!"

Damnit, I really should've gone.

As TUC welcomes our visitors from Kukla's Korner, we realized there will be numerous inside references that are foreign to new readers -- hence this glossary. Surely we must've left a few things out, so watch for this list to grow in the near future.

Angelina Jolie -- Sidney Crosby (on account of his lips)
BR -- Bad Religion
Binkie -- Bryan Smolinski
Boosh -- (to) hit
Butterknife Row -- press box
Cotton Hill (a.k.a. Shin Jelly) -- Peter Forsberg (there's not enough space to explain this one -- just click here.)
(The) Count/Count Von Count -- Colby Armstrong
Gangrel -- Mats Sundin
(To) Get down -- place a bet
Jackie O -- Lou Lamoriello (on account of his wide-set eyes)
Lakehead Boy -- a player hailing from Thunder Bay, Ontario
Land of Staalapalooza -- Thunder Bay, Ontario
(The) Manatee (a.k.a. The Swiss Sea Cow) -- Martin Gerber (on account of his sweeping overhead glove saves which reminded me of the manatees I swam with in Central Florida during a trip in '07)
Paul Bearer -- Ken Hitchcock
Paulie Walnuts -- Marc Crawford
Pea Soup -- Bryan Murray (it came out in a PPV feature that it's his favourite type of soup)
Scott Norwood Section (a.k.a. Team Scott Norwood/The Other TSN) -- freelance sportswriters who sit in the far-right section of the Senators' press box
(Annika) Sorenstam's Brother -- Daniel Alfredsson
The Driver -- TUC's long-time boyfriend (he wants to post, but is perpetually denied permission due to my fear of him filling the blog with San Diego Chargers propaganda)
Throwing gang signs -- when a member of the television media grasps their microphone while sticking out one or more fingers in an awkward fashion
Toby Jug -- Jacques Martin
Verbal humping -- When a media member praises a player or team to excess

You wanted to know -- now we can tell you...

The charter members of the Scott Norwood Section are proudly covering the 2008 NHL Entry Draft for...

We're unbelievably thrilled about this, and hope to see all of you on Friday.

A few belated thoughts on the hiring of Craig Hartsburg as the Senators' latest head coach:

It's funny how some NHL experience will placate people -- regardless of how unsuccessful it was. Hartsburg served unremarkable tenures in both Chicago and Anaheim before his extended stint in the OHL. So where were the most shining points on his resume achieved? At the world juniors -- specifically in '07 and '08 when he headed up the team and came home both times with gold.

You know what? That's lovely. Hell, some might even call it impressive. But that's not the NHL.

People will say that winning is the ultimate goal -- medal or Cup, it doesn't matter. With teenagers, however, there is a Sword of Damocles that you can whip out at any time. In short: Bust your ass, or you won't be getting a sniff of the NHL in this lifetime. THAT is the ultimate goal for a kid in the juniors. Everything else is a bonus. Common sense dictates this little ace up the sleeve doesn't work for professionals -- particularly ones that have suddenly gained the reputation of behaving like shiftless layabouts.

Will Hartsburg work out? No one knows. Here's a better question: With the way this offseason seems to be shaking out, does it really matter right now?

So where does this leave Pat Burns? Not here obviously, and that's extremely unfortunate. More intriguing perhaps is that he (or his name, for that matter) has not popped up in any other hirings around the league. There has been some swirling speculation on his absence in the proceedings -- let's hope it's only something as trivial as Jackie Lou LamoriellO not wanting to pony him up.

(Aside: What's with the "Jackie", you ask? I've maintained for some time that the Devils GM would look like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis if you slammed a bouffant wig and pillbox hat on his head. Lou's eyes are so wide-set, they're practically on either side of his face.)

Meanwhile, the other junior boy previously in the running -- Pete DeBoer -- got a free trip to Barbados out of Eugene Melnyk before heading off to experience the mad hotness that is the Toby Jug. I can't wait to see how that turns out.

More later.

From last night's NHL Awards:



Good God -- even being gazed upon by Elisha Cuthbert looks like it requires a dose of amoxicillin immediately afterward.

P.S. We should probably get on a Deglaze, but we're waiting for the media to decide who the next coach is. If you keeping throwing out names and the Sens eventually pick one, it's still considered a scoop, right? Look out now -- Craig Hartsburg's a badass: Rub him the wrong way and he'll force you to sit on the floor. No word if he then proceeds to hold the plate of post-practice orange slices ever so tantalizingly out of reach.

More later.

Why does the CBC want to upset us this way?

15 days until the Draft. Just saying.

How about Scott Oake referencing Darren McCarty's substance abuse issues in front of his children? I put that on par with Elliotte Friedman asking Crosby if he was satisfied after the Penguins clinched the Eastern conference. Both were total head-in-hands moments, albeit for different reasons.

Your "f*cking right" on camera this year came courtesy of Henrik Zetterberg. And they say the Euros don't care about the Cup.

A little bit of weirdness: I went check out ESPN.com's post-game coverage -- I hovered my cursor over the on-ice team photo on the front page, and received a click-prompt. It took me to this. Just had to sneak some football in there somewhere, I guess.

CBC's disco montage at the end made my bloody teeth hurt. Definitely the wrong note to send viewers out on. Still going to miss Bob Cole, though. And one final thing -- what was with Don Cherry and the stuffed animals/puppets this year? It was like he was morphing into The Friendly Giant.

Speaking of which...



Now that's how you end a night on the CBC. More later.

An exerpt from Ken Warren's piece in today's Citizen:

Yesterday, the Lightning issued a release that stated Tortorella wouldn't be back next year, giving him the opportunity to shop himself around.

But Murray, speaking to the Team 1200-AM yesterday before the Lightning issued their release, answered indirectly to speculation he wanted Tortorella to gain his freedom so he could interview him.

"I heard I was waiting for a particular guy on another team ... that's not true," Murray said. "Very definitely the people I'm talking to, I've got permission to talk to, and, at this point in time, I'm going to hire one of them."

Murray says he will cut down his list and bring "one or two" candidates back next week for a second round of interviews.

The plan has always been to have a coach in place before the NHL entry draft at Scotiabank Place June 20-21, but Murray insists he isn't going to rush.

And in case you needed a refresher on the current candidates (again -- according to Murray's claims):

Senators general manager Bryan Murray is expected to talk today with Peter DeBoer, coach of the Ontario Hockey League's Kitchener Rangers, and Murray has also acknowledged interviewing Bob Hartley and Craig Hartsburg for the position.

Kevin Dineen, the former Senator who has spent the past three seasons as coach of the Portland Pirates of the American Hockey League, may also have spoken to Murray about the job.

Just a thought: Can you imagine what it would be like having Tortorella here, and Ron Wilson in Toronto? It'd be a total media bitch-fest, 24-7.

Don Cherry shouldn't gesticulate on live television after midnight. For the record, he wasn't talking about Crosby (or Gary Bettman, for that matter).

P.S. What's with that little bottle on the table? Anyone want to take a stab at it?

This is pretty sweet -- from Allan Maki at Globe On Hockey:

You can find the most unusual things on e-Bay, such as a 6-foot-9 NHL defenceman willing to auction himself off as a climbing partner on a trek to the top of Africa's highest peak, Mount Kilimanjaro.

And you probably thought bidding on a 14-year-old box of Corn Flakes (with Roberto Clemente's picture on it) was a trifle odd?

Zdeno Chara, the Boston Bruins' Mount Everest of defencemen, has put his services up for bidding on a six-day journey for the benefit of Right To Play, the organization that brings sports and hope to young children in disadvantaged areas throughout the world.

Joining Chara will be Calgary Flames' defenceman Robyn Regehr, who was motivated when two of his former teammates, Andrew Ference and Steve Montador, spent time with kids in Tanzania last summer.

Chara and Regeher (sic) will visit children in the Mozambique capital of Maputo in late June before moving on to mountain quest beginning June 30. Chara has stated that his goal is to raise roughly $100,000 (US) which, according to Right To Play, amounts to $5 for every foot he climbs.

In a taped message on his website, Chara said: “Right To Play is a terrific cause and this will be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure covered by TV Crews from NHL Productions to be shown later on NHL Network.”

Chara's idea is so compelling the NHL should consider getting more of its name players to rent themselves out, for various causes. Just think how much money could be raised by having NHL fans bid on:

Sean Avery cleaning out your garage, attic or basement. (“Hey Sean, get those engine parts to the dump, will ya? And don't slack off.”)

Dominik Hasek reading bedtime stories to your kids. (“Mommy, what's the funny man saying?”)

Georges Laraque settling a dispute with your annoying neighbour. (“Well, if that's the way you want it, Bob, you can talk to my good friend Georges.”)

Or how about this?

Having NHL commissioner Gary Bettman clean those hard-to-reach places behind your bathroom bowl.

See now, I'd totally bid on the Hasek idea. I'd pay him to answer my phone and talk to telemarketers. No joke -- I had part of a Hasek interview as the voice mail on my cell phone for nearly two years...callers either loved it or lost it during messages. High comedy.

P.S. The Bruins' release on Chara's trek can be found here.

· Break out the lighters, because it's time for a power ballad. And I don't really give a damn if you think I'm jinxing the Red Wings -- it was about time I broke this out. Best moments: The shot of Kolzig (just brutal) and Scotty Bowman in his red blazer. Dude looks like he works for an airline in that thing.

___________

· I was watching National Geographic yesterday and caught a show called The Real Football Factories International -- have you seen this? It's freaking nuts. It investigates and follows the hardcore groups of fans (known as "firms") who follow soccer teams worldwide. These guys will organize their fights in advance with rival fans (usually armed with rocks and wood), and won't hesitate to carry guns (with the camera onboard as one group left a game, their bus was shot at several times). Many in yesterday's ep (which concentrated on Brazil) readily admitted that they would kill and were willing to die for their respective team. It was totally psychotic, yet completely fascinating. Here's a clip:



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I had no idea this had happened until I checked out his website, but Russ Rankin (formally of Good Riddance and current lead singer of Only Crime) is working as a scout for the Kootenay Ice of the WHL. Something tells me the guy on the other side of the Cup in that photo may have a little to do with it (the Niedermayer brothers own a portion of the club).

Finally, I want to thank all of you for your response to the last post (SLC's commentary over at Five For Smiting was particularly appreciated). I promise to get to your e-mails ASAP. Thanks again.

(I've been waiting far too long to post that photo.)

So it's been a while, right? Sorry about that. Let's get to it, and stay tuned for an important announcement at the end.

Do I Sound Like I Care?: The whole "Ooh...the Sens are looking for a head coach!" has turned into a big mess of indifference for me. Some of us (read: my loser friends and myself who care far too much about this) have been gunning for Pat Burns for a while now. The thing is, he was originally our second choice. Our first was Ken Hitchcock, who was only free for 21 days before Columbus scooped his ass up in November of '06. If you'll remember, the Sens were heading down the merry road of suck at that point, and a coaching change seemed imminent (regardless of insistence to the contrary). Sure, they eventually got to the Finals with Bryan Murray, but are you going to tell me Paul Bearer couldn't have done the same?

Anyway, back to Burns. The Senators need someone who can crack the whip and get this franchise back to a defensive mindset. It may only be a short-term solution for a couple of years (Burns' act can wear thin), but it's better than watching Bryan Murray wear two hats. He's currently the right choice, which obviously means the Senators won't get him. And don't talk to me about Bob Hartley, okay? I want a coach who knows about building a foundation -- I don't want a guy behind the bench who wears it. (Combine the over-gelled hair and the eerily smooth skin tone, and you've got a walking corpse running the team.)

Bob Cole Will Cut A Bitch: I was not happy at all to read that the current Stanley Cup Finals will be likely Bob Cole's last. Look, I don't really have a problem with the man. Sure, he messes up, but a) you almost always know what he means and b) it's hilarious. Even as a septuagenarian, he's still the best voice in the business and I love that he calls a straight game -- no cheese, with minimal back story. I don't need a synopsis about a kid's junior hockey career in the Q. Give it a freaking rest. And did you notice that no one ever attempts to get a word in edgewise when he's talking? Don't mess with a man who works with his pants undone. The idea of Jim Hughson taking over the post makes my stomach turn. "Grrrrreat save, Luongo!" 20 bucks to the first cynic who can snap a photo with Hughson while holding a box of Frosted Flakes.

Regardless of my (likely surprising) appreciation of Bob Cole, my favourite call of the playoffs thus far has come from Chris Cuthbert -- Game 5 of the San Jose-Dallas series. You can check it out here (the call begins at approximately 1:50).

The Finals? No Bandwagon Here: I'm sure it will come to the surprise of absolutely no one when I admit that I am pulling for Detroit, but this isn't a new-school affiliation. I'm not one of those Ottawa jackasses who just remembered that Steve Yzerman is from Nepean. I grew up as a Detroit fan after they became Thunder Bay's U.S. television affiliate in the late '80's. Flight 255, Coleman Young in his twilight years, Devil's Night, Bill Bonds doing Bonds On, as opposed to commercials for Gardner-White...I remember all of it. The coverage done by the local stations for the Red Wings at that time was nothing to sneeze at, and the club's incessant choking through most of the '90's served as a prerequisite for what I would eventually experience as a follower of the Sens.

I'm pretty certain Detroit can still pull this off. They've played on a different level than everyone else for the majority of the season, and if you'll recall, Anaheim had a flat game in the Finals as well. It didn't seem to hurt them too much in the long run. A couple of thoughts:

* When Malkin doesn't show up (listless play, buggering up passes, giveaways), he's the spitting image of Jason Spezza.

* I still can't condone the media's double standard when it comes to Crosby. In one breath they're goobering over his leg strength, as if he could asphyxiate a person with his thighs like Xenia Onatopp in James Bond's Goldeneye. But when an opponent makes contact and No. 87 mysteriously tumbles over, well..."he must have caught an edge". Woman, please.

(Aside: That'll be the last time I link to a YouTube clip with the phrase "Jungle Orgasm" in the title. Don't worry, it's PG.)

* Those responsible for audio at Mellon Arena deserve credit for playing Jawbox during a break in play. Just saying.

* If Marian Hossa fails to show up during the Finals (he has 2 assists so far), what purpose did he really serve if the Penguins can't pull this off?

* If this is the Penguins' time, they'd better get it done now. The idea of a window being open for several years is over, and holding onto your snipers while discarding other pieces isn't going to cut it.

And, Finally...The Announcement: Many have asked where the column has been (I've never taken two weeks off in a row). Well, after nearly four years, Sun Media and I have parted company. Details will remain few, but the thanks will be plenty:

- To the Canadian readers -- the ones who followed me here, and the ones who didn't. Thanks for always being appreciative of the different angles I attempted to provide.

- To the American readers -- funny, polite and astute. Loved you guys.

- To those in the business who took the time to write, "Hey...you don't suck" e-mails -- thanks to the ones at Sun Media, ESPN.com, The New York Times, CBC Newsworld, AOL Sports, The Globe And Mail, Sportsnet.com, TSN.com, The Hockey News, Slate.com, Deadspin, Yahoo! Sports, Rogers 22, all the European outlets...your support was always appreciated. Special thanks to the television outlets who never bristled when I constantly responded, "No, thank you -- I don't do tv."

- To the sources -- thank you for spilling, and for your trust.

- To my confidantes -- thank you for listening, and for always remaining supportive.

I can say with nearly unwavering certainty that my days with traditional media are over. However, I will soon have an announcement to make regarding my next move. What can I say? You can't keep the Scott Norwood Section down for long.

More later.

In case you were questioning the validity of the Elisha Cuthbert-Dion Phaneuf rumours...I think this'll settle it:



Uh oh...someone's frolicking a bit too hard. Something's going on here -- either Dion's rehearsing for his next SportsCentre commercial where he brillantly imitates a sheet of particle board, or he's confessing his true feelings about Pierre McGuire. Regardless, 'Lish seems to be amused. And how about those shorts? Apparently Dion made a run to Zellers before jumping on the plane.



More photos from their Hawaii jaunt are available at Egotastic.com. [Credit to the always hilarious Dlisted for the link.]

P.S. Yes, the Deglaze is still coming.

Related: Elisha Cuthbert and Phaneuf?

Did you miss me? Mega-deglaze coming soon.

P.S. Using a hand towel to cover your genitalia? Check. Old-school stubby beer bottle? Check. '80's television star looking for autographs in dressing room? Check. You're welcome.

From TSN.ca: Cop cars set aflame, vandalized after Habs win

Very classy.

From the Daily Gazette of Schenectady, NY -- writer Ken Schott experienced a nasty surprise courtesy of Versus:

I was watching the third period of Game 6 of the Minnesota Wild-Colorado Avalanche NHL playoff series late Saturday night on Versus when at midnight, suddenly I was watching a Victoria Principal makeup infomerical [sic].

I had to get on my computer to listen to the rest of the game.

I have the feeling someone at Time Warner Cable had a timer on, and it made the switch. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been corrected as of 12:24 a.m.


Hey, the woman hasn't worked in years -- she's got to make some cash somehow, even if it comes at the expense of the NHL. And of course, this calls for a Dallas reference or two, so here's Victoria as Pam Ewing in all of her old-school glory. I don't know what I find more disturbing in the following clip: 1) The amount of rack and ass the camera manages to shoot despite Pam wearing a turtleneck and trousers; 2) The music or 3) Bobby's jacket, which looks a lot like the one Garry Galley has been sporting for the past two seasons.

With turnover likely at a high rate for the big club, what happens in Binghamton is going to be more relevant than ever. Michael Sharp's blog is currently featuring some interesting takes from assistant GM Tim Murray on players like Josh Hennessy and Jeff Glass. Click on the link to check it out.

Credit to Pierre LeBrun for bringing up the fact that the Rangers should not be written off -- quite the opposite, actually.

P.S. Worthy of note: Hockeyschlock also pimped the Rangers on April 9th.

Sorry -- I'm a bit late on this (yesterday was kinda nuts around here). Anyway, huge credit to the Citizen's James Gordon for his extensive transcripts from the exit interview media scrums. You can check them out here. (Heads up -- it's a lengthy read.)

As for Ray...I said what I needed to. I'm done. Guess what? So's he.

Some of Ray's (likely) parting words -- from TSN.ca:

"Anything I saw that said, 'oh the goalie is a cancer, the goalie is a cancer to the team and the room and stuff.' I love the guys on this team. There is no guy on this team that isn't a buddy to me. If they say any different then they have been smiling to my face and talking behind my back."

From Don Brennan's Cheapseats:

"Eliminated from last night's pre-game hype was the goofy Gladiator, thank God. Word is the schtick was a brainchild of Melnyk, who had a multi-appearance deal with the bad actor that included commercials. Guess G Ray Emery's contract isn't the only one Melnyk will have to eat ..."

For the record, The Driver is still watching it. He says it makes him laugh...then he gets angry. Does anyone know a good therapist?

I can't go into anything in depth here -- again, handcuffed by the column -- and my head is swimming because I haven't nailed down what I'll be writing about just yet. That being said, a few things:

Sorry, but I'm not ready to hand over the Cup to Pittsburgh. Their defence and goaltending specifically faced little (if any) grief, and they haven't been behind in a series yet. Their lines roll well -- there's still some chemistry to work on -- but ultimately it's going to come down to what happens from the blueline backwards. And will someone please tell them to go back to their powder blues?

Watching this franchise eat some crow after all the chest-thumping and poor decision making is going to be interesting. Most of you have figured out that the off-season's much-discussed pictorial essay was about Ray. At that time, the vitriol directed towards him from sources inside the dressing room was unbelievable. I didn't think it could get any worse...but it did. Long story short: You keep the cancer around, you're going to die...and it'll go quickly. Something must be done about this team's chemistry. I shouldn't be hearing from players how Teammate A "can't f*cking stand" Teammate B.

(Aside: E-mails that pester for names and question my decision to post anonymous information will not be returned. I do this for 99.99% of the readers who want to hear about it. If it bugs you, don't read it. Go outside and get some fresh air.)

The efforts of the youngsters (Cody Bass, Brian Lee and Nick Foligno) seem to be appreciated by the majority of fans. That being said, a couple of observations:

The media who think Foligno is destined for a top-six position on this team need to take it down a notch. It was four games. He's a top-six winger on a team where Mike Fisher would be considered a No. 1 centre. Just saying.

Brian Lee was obviously outmatched at times, but I appreciate his calm nature. However, if you don't get him into a proper defensive system with some structure, his growth will be stunted something fierce (and I'm not talking about his facial hair).

Cody Bass...is due for a t-shirt. The cynics have spoken.

I've already begun to crunch numbers for available UFAs and comparable RFAs...hoo boy. (Might get into that later...again, depending on column topic.) It's going to be a rough offseason.

More later.

Wade Redden's last touch of the puck (as a Senator) was a giveaway that led to a goal.

I think that sums it up, don't you?

I'm headed out, and will have nothing to add until after tonight's game (and even that's questionable). You can all stop hovering around here -- and that includes the Senators' employees themselves. Yes, I see you...and you seriously need to check yourselves. The biggest game of the year and you're worried about what someone might be saying about your overly fragile franchise right now? Get back to work, for God's sakes.

Need a little levity? Go here.

And about time, too. Sometimes it seems like Jordan Staal gets lost in the shuffle. Click here for a nice piece on the hometown kid from Pierre LeBrun.

You know when a joke just keeps morphing into something even more hilarious?

Right now, imitations of the gladiator intro have slowly changed from a bad read off a shield (with a spotty mic) into a bad "Hacksaw" Hamilton bit.

Here, this'll help (you may want to turn down your speakers if you're at work)...

I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. It's like a car wreck -- you can't turn away. Who on Earth thought this was a good idea?

Here's some of the reaction from the Sportsnet forums -- all negative.

P.S. I recorded the game, and now The Driver keeps re-watching the intro like some sort of buggered-up experimental theatre. I think I may have to hide the remote before I go to bed.

Let's see what the good doctor has to say about this:

Yeah, break the guilty trammels from yesteryear
Remember how the pain of failure makes it all clear
The lowly opportunists take commanding roles
And hock ultimatums so their weakness won't show
The sad reflection of dead ambition
You live for nothing

Expectation, indoctrination
Life's a damnation -- submission complete
Dying on your feet
Submission complete
A total defeat

-- Submission Complete (BR)


(I KNEW I'd have a chance to break that out.)

Guess what? It isn't too early for seppuku jokes.

Only this team would get on the board first, then proceed to squander all momentum with giveaways, repeated penalties and a lack of skating. The Driver was already offered tickets for Game 4. Asking price? A dollar.

So, the captain was back and he couldn't save them -- how are we going to spin this one? Look at it this way: One more game, then the exodus can begin...and that will be far more interesting than what we're being forced to watch.

Crosby scores one goal, and the Sens shut it down. How do you justify that? You can't. They don't deserve to be here. They never did.

I think I speak for all Sens fans when I say: Stop wasting our bloody time, Ottawa. You're not worth it. Not this year.

I think they played The Manatee's theme song after those amazing consecutive saves towards the end of the first. If they did, I could barely hear it, and I'm watching with surround sound. There's nothing wrong with my hearing, kids. Turn up the freaking volume and blow the roof off the dump.

What the bloody hell happened to Nick Foligno? (Alfie, perhaps?) Hell of a period from the youngster. Great hustle.

Is someone trying to give me a heart attack with Stillman on the PK?

In other news, I broke out the "Keep It Out" dance for the first time. Faith restored? It's way too early to say.

Best text from the first period (re: the thundersticks):

"They all look like they're trying to park airplanes with those things."

What was up with that beginning? Painful...and embarrassing. That should never be repeated, even with working microphones. If I wanted Disney-esque theatrics, I'd buy a plane ticket to Florida.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Best pre-game text of the night from someone at SBP:

"One (expletive) thunderstick? What the (expletive) am I supposed to do with that?"

Cost-cutting due to the eventual abbreviated playoff run, perhaps? For the record, they're shaped like swords. I don't even know where to start with that -- is it too early for seppuku jokes?

Runner up text:

"It feels like the pre-season in here."

Sigh.

With under four hours to go until puck drop, seats of two are STILL available at SBP for tonight. Hockeyschlock was able to pull some up, and so was I.

UPDATE (4:45 pm): Tons of seats still available. Just pulled up the following: 2 seats in section 118, Row M; 4 seats in section 227, Row C and a whopping 6 seats in section 228, Row E.

As you prep for tonight's game, chew on this:

The old, brutally slow and much-maligned ex-Senator known as Bryan Smolinski has more points in the 2007-08 post-season than Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley combined.

Martha Stewart wouldn't like this one bit. From the Globe On Hockey blog:

“We're like the Queen,” the San Jose Sharks' Joe Thornton was saying. “We travel with our own toilet seat.”

OK, that probably needs some explanation. The Sharks moved into the visitor's dressing room at the Pengrowth Saddledome Sunday morning, to continue their best-of-seven Western Conference playoff series against the Flames. The Sharks usually travel with all kinds of team-related paraphernalia. Draped just inside the entrance to the dressing room are replicas of their Pacific Division champion banners (from 2001-02 and 2003-04). There are personalized Shark skate mats for each player; every one of the four walls also has a This Is Sharks Playoff time posters. All make sense – sort of.

But how about that toilet seat, with a Sharks' logo pasted on the front, suspended above the soda machine in the dressing room, just beyond where goaltender Evgeni Nabokov dresses? Top-secret stuff. Team captain Patrick Marleau wouldn't divulge what was going on there. Nor would Thornton. Not even Jeremy Roenick – who'll talk about anything - would specify what its specific function was. “A little in-the-room mystery,” was how Roenick described it. Thornton added: “A lot of people will be blogging about that tonight.”

Well, of course. It's what we do to pass the time these days. Sharks' coach Ron Wilson would only go so far as that the scheme was the brainchild of Tom Holy, a member of the Sharks public relations' staff. Holy, a former college player himself, stationed himself underneath the toilet seat Sunday morning, so that no one could lift it up and see what was hidden behind it. Luckily, an intrepid scribe or two wandered in behind - and saw a poorly camouflaged picture frame - secured to the back of the seat.

P.S. That photo -- snapped by yours truly who felt oh-so-classy in doing so -- came from tonight's San Jose-Calgary broadcast where the seat was also being discussed.

TUC's friend Steve Ladurantaye over at The Globe And Mail tackled the business of post-season puck in his column, Five Things. Check it out below.

***

It's spring, and many will be staring at our television sets in the hope a Canadian team will hoist the Stanley Cup. Five Things takes a look at the business of playoff hockey.

______

1. SHARING THE WEALTH

Last season's run all the way to the Stanley Cup final helped the Ottawa Senators post a $10.4-million profit, even though they lost in the end to the Anaheim Ducks. Still, the team said it needed to clear at least the second round of the playoffs to generate a profit. A National Hockey League team by most estimates gets as much as $2-million for a home playoff game from ticket sales, merchandise, parking, and concessions. But a team doesn't need to be among the league's elite to reap the benefits of the postseason – under a revenue-sharing program surviving teams must fork over half their playoff cash so it can be redistributed to bottom-feeders.

______

2. TUBE BATTLES

According to news reports, the Toronto Maple Leafs' habit of missing the playoffs will mean a $10-million hit to the CBC's revenue this year as viewers from southern Ontario switch to baseball. The loss of that revenue has been blamed in some circles for the network's decision to cancel a show called MVP, which was about amorous hockey wives. French-language sports channel RDS is expecting to draw up to 1.2 million viewers for each Canadiens-Bruins game in the first round, up from a regular-season average of 720,000. TSN will have coverage of the first three rounds, and Versus and NBC will once again try and woo U.S. viewers. That audience is never an easy draw – last year NBC switched from overtime in a Senators-Sabres game to pre-race coverage of the Preakness Stakes because ratings were so low.

______

3. PUCK IN THE INTERNET

With American viewers more interested in poker tournaments than hockey, the NHL is hoping a beefed up Internet offering will attract younger fans. The site – loaded with ads from Bud Light, Cisco, Dodge and Verizon Wireless – offers free highlights and behind-the-scenes footage. Next season, teams will be allowed to create their own content and sell ad space to sponsors. The NHL's website is the 30th most popular site in Canada, the country which accounts for 40 per cent of its visitors. Its next highest ranking is in Slovakia, where it is the 187th most popular site. It doesn't fare quite as well in the U.S., where it ranks 410th, according to Web traffic monitor Alexa.com.

______

4. PLAYING THE BOARDS

The NHL is also hoping to cash in by putting ads on the glass above the boards during U.S. broadcasts of playoff games. People at the game wouldn't be bothered, since the ads will be digitally imposed and visible only to those watching on TV. Advertisers who buy regular spots during games would be offered space on the glass, and if the pilot program is successful it could be rolled out across the league next year. Dollar amounts haven't been determined but a pair of regular ads along the boards can sell for as much as $600,000 a season. The technology is in use at Major League Baseball games, with ads behind home plate.

______

5. PAY DAYS

When the regular season ends, it also means an end to regular paycheques for NHL players. Mind you, they're not playing for pride alone. An elaborate system of shares exists to ensure those who carry their teams deep into the postseason are rewarded. This year, after the Cup winner is determined, $6.5-million will be split among the 16 teams that made the playoffs. While the exact method of distribution hasn't been determined by the NHL Players Association, last year the Ducks were given 25 shares worth $75,000 each, for a total of $1,875,000. It was then left to team management to determine which players should receive how many shares, based on performances. The eight losing teams in the first round each received 200 shares, worth $5,000 each, to distribute among their players. By contrast, three players – Flyer Daniel Briere, Ranger Scott Gomez and Sabre Thomas Vanek – shared the honour of earning the most in the regular season, at $10-million each.

All efforts go towards the column. Sorry, but that's the way it's got to be.

From Scott B. in Calgary:

"Boys are getting haircuts and putting extra Drakkar Noir on
to head to the Flames game (because we all know who's going to be there)."

I laughed.

Words cannot express how ridiculous this has become. Memo to all involved: Drop it. Stop it. It's time to grow up and focus on the games.

(Ed. Note: Right now, TUC's aiming to use all the song titles from SNFU's "If You Swear, You'll Catch No Fish", despite their occasional grammatical errors. Deal with it.)



(Pictured -- Foreground: Chris Phillips/Wade Redden. Background: Gary Roberts. The second guy -- meh, I'm too tired to decide who that is.)

That's right, ladies: If you're so damned scared of Gary Roberts, you might as well scream and get it over with. At least we'd all know you were capable of showing some emotion.

It pains me to come after Phillips because I respect him as a player, but could he have looked any more like a deer in the headlights on that fourth goal? The old man was right there -- take him out, damnit! Redden has completely checked out of the game, both mentally and physically. He practically cowered in Roberts' presence on the first goal, and the coughing up of pucks in the Sens zone were enough to make your stomach turn. As for 14 -- taking an interference penalty instead of sacrificing for the hit during an icing call? Do we need to say any more? (Actually, yes...we do. Keep the freaking puck in your zone during the power play, and learn how to land a shot on net.)

And how about that comedy of errors along the end boards during the second involving Lee, McAmmond, Roberts and Laraque in various combinations? You've got 55 feebly hammering on Laraque's back, and the whole time Chris Neil is standing around doing nothing in the high slot. I guess he was prepping to go down the ice so the team could end up with 19 missed shots through two periods as opposed to 18.

That brings me to Bitch Point No. 3: Garry Galley's claim that the Sens missed many shots because the Penguins were in their shooting lanes was semi-valid, but what about this: Maybe if the club wasn't so predictable on special teams, the opposition wouldn't be able to do so? Just a thought. Strangely enough, I didn't hear anyone mention anything about whiffed shots (I saw quite a few last night), and that's been a problem for some time.

I also noticed Galley trying to explain how tired Nick Foligno must've been during the third goal (hence the reason for him gliding around, bent in half). Just for a refresher, here's what I said about Foligno when I saw him at the summer developmental camp last year:

Nick Foligno: It's obvious the kid tries hard, particularly with his skating, but he still needs a lot of work. His backwards skating was laboured, but better than some of the forwards I saw (see Zubov). Granted, that still isn't saying much. Foligno has initial bursts of speed which are impressive (10-15 seconds), but has difficulty maintaining stamina. He does carry himself with a great deal of confidence. What he's able to accomplish in Binghamton (when the time comes) will matter a great deal -- it'll mean the difference between him turning into a second-line contributor, or a third-line filler. Right now, I see the latter.

You looking for a bright spot? Here it is:



Yes, he looked like hell in the first, but those goals can't be pinned on him. He stood tall in the second (huge flipper save when Volchenkov went down), and did as much as he could to keep them in it through the third period. He's not Patrick Roy -- no one expected to be. The man can only do so much...and he can't score goals. Once again, the club let him down. I want to see him lose it on someone, just for the hell of it. He'd probably feel a lot better. Swiss seacow rage!

Volchenkov's not the only one with a bloody headache tonight. Sigh. More later.

P.S. An unrelated note, but worth mentioning: Both San Jose and Minnesota played Metallica tonight (the Sharks went with "Seek And Destroy" as they typically do when they come on the ice, and the Wild played "Breadfan" during a break, which was beyond awesome.)

First post in a thread entitled "When the game is lost":

When there is only a few minutes left, and nothing is going your way, and you know you have no hope in hell of winning... Shouldn't you take the opportunity to tenderize you opponent? I'm not talking about turning the game into a sequel of Slap Shot, but making a physical effort and finishing your checks hard.

I thank Gary Roberts for creating a little emotion at the end of the game.... I think we needed that...

Second post:

Or they could do this at the start of games and continue it until the end, thus creating a decent chance of winning.

Very good, Sens fan.

No post coming until late tonight -- see you tomorrow.

...because we're dedicating SNFU's "Black Cloud" to Wade Redden.

Alright, so I promised you Hockey Night in La Jolla, right? A little background: The last time The Driver and I went to San Diego, we found a skating rink plopped in the food court of an outdoor mall. There was some feebly arranged peewee hockey being played, and the goalies didn't even wear pads or masks. That being said, the parents and rest of the food court was totally into it, and I thought, "How cool is this?" I made sure to seek out the rink the next time we came down, in the hopes that I'd be able to catch some more hockey, however pathetic.

This time around it was beer league -- proper equipment, although just as brutal. I wasn't planning on staying long...that was, until I saw the guy on the left skate past (click to enlarge):

The name on the back of his jersey was "Spunt". Best. Freaking. Name. Ever. Unfortunately, the dude skated like Brian McGrattan on muscle relaxants, but somehow that made me love him even more. Maybe it was all the beach time or my slightly sunburnt forehead, but I went into puckbunny mode -- chasing back and forth with the camera attempting to get photos while Sephora and Victoria's Secret bags dangled from my wrists.

(Aside: Despite the blog, column and my false bravado, I am still a chick who cares far too much about uncomfortable underwear and overpriced makeup. This is also worth mentioning: The Driver came into VS with me, and spotted some hot pink and black lingerie on display. He pointed at it and stage whispered to me, "Hart Foundation!" I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about -- the statement itself, or the fact I knew exactly what he was talking about. )

Anyway, back to the game. We were facetiously speculating on the past of the guy in the Phantoms jersey, when all of a sudden he fell about six times in a two minute span (including backwards through the gate in a move that was reminiscent of Midori Ito). The whole thing was so atrociously bad, I couldn't have possibly enjoyed it more. If you're ever in San Diego, track down the University Town Center mall and see it for yourself. It's totally worth it.

________

As for tonight...I don't know what to tell you, kids. Some of the things being said in the media have left me completely perplexed. Sarcastic or not, you can't encourage vicious injuries to the opposition. Furthermore, do you really want to see this team spend time in the box with three of its best PK men out with injuries? Shake yourself.

It's the defence that truly has me intrigued. The pairings are all over the map: 6-24, 4-44 and 14-55. It's the last one that really freaks me out -- if anything, Lee's got the calmer head of the two, but this is the playoffs and he's a neophyte.

Speaking of neophytes, can someone explain how Sidney Crosby gained a wealth of experience in five playoff games last year? "He's not green anymore! Look out!" I know his hockey intelligence is unsurpassed, but how's about we save these threats until he's played in the post-season for a few years?

Back to the D for a final thought: The blueline has got to step up their grit for this series -- it was an integral part of the team's success against Pittsburgh last year. I was talking to a friend about Phillips the other day and we both came to the same conclusion: Why doesn't this guy realize how effective he is when he plays with some toughness? Has he not been praised enough when he's done so? It's like dog training -- give the guy a ton of positive reinforcement when he hits someone. "Good boy, 4! Play that man!" Slap him on the ass, and send him out again. By the way, if Phillips were a dog, he'd be a St. Bernard. Yeah, don't tell me you can't see it.



Looks like Spunt needs a break, and frankly so do I. More later.

Sorry kids...meant to get to this sooner.

Contrary to popular belief and propaganda, the media are on to something when they question certain teams' dressing room chemistry.

Case in point: A veteran threw a get-together for his franchise at the end of the regular season -- all players were invited. Two didn't show -- neither are fan favourites (likely because they didn't perform up to expectation). Word has it this duo never turns up whenever the team informally gathers, preferring instead to keep to themselves. One likely isolated himself based on his behaviour this year...as for the other...who knows what his damage is?

Guesses?

P.S. Heads up -- look for a mini-deglaze sometime today...maybe this aft.

(The following is an inside joke.)



(Pictured L to R: Brian Lee, TUC)

For JB

Forgive me if Earl McRae's recent column on Brian McGrattan is incapable of sending this blogger into a weepy, estrogen-driven mess. The most baffling bits:

The demeaning word "goon" does not apply to Brian McGrattan. Enforcer, yes.

He is not without playing skill beyond his fists...It's McGrattan's misfortune he is not playing in a past era when tough guys with enough playing skill were prime assets. In today's more physical Western Conference, he'd likely be a third or fourth line regular. If professional attitude was all the game was about, he'd be an NHL first-team all-star.

(throwing up hands) I don't even know where to begin with that. Perhaps you should read the rest -- and if anyone can explain why I'm supposed I'm supposed to feel compassion for a benchwarmer who serves little purpose...well, you know where to find me.

Heads up: TUC has a new advertiser for all of you to check out -- it's called Ninja Tickets, and it's a really cool site designed to help you get the most bang for your buck when searching for tickets online. They'll do all the legwork for you, letting you find and compare prices without wasting time by searching multiple sites. Click on the ad on the right-hand side of the page for more details.

And as always, if you're interested in advertising with TUC, click on "my profile" for contact information.

Expect things to be quiet around here for a bit -- I caught some sort of American superbug in San Diego and it's taking its toll. Hockey Night in La Jolla is still coming. As for last night -- just a few thoughts...

- The media who bitch about the Sens not dishing out repercussions with any degree of sincerity are hilarious. How long have you watched this team, ladies? Chris Neil is good for a yapfest, a pointless 10-minute misconduct and the occasional pee-wee toe drag. That's about it.

- I've replayed the tape in HD slo-mo at least 15 times. It was not a hit to the head, and Alfie has admitted as much. Bell caught a bit of his chin, but it was largely a shoulder to shoulder hit. The way 11's helmet sprang like a champagne cork had much more to do with his head issues. He should consider himself lucky that he came down on his shoulder first, but watching his bare head hit that ice is just brutal. As for the hit itself...what do we call that around here, kids? That's right -- Mustang Ranch. Just 'cause it's legal doesn't make it right.

- To me, it looks like 11's knee injury came from the blow as well -- there was no knee-on-knee that I saw. Alfie's right knee is bent inward as he took the shot, then the force of Bell's hit sent it immediately in the opposite direction. It was a side-to-side motion that could've caused some wrenching of ligaments. As for Fisher? You could sneeze on the dude and his knee would blow out. Damned if I know what happened there. 12 says Bell went knee-on-knee on him. I'll go look for it.

- Don't expect Bass to keep up that type of offensive production, but if he could, that's the type of fourth-liner this team desperately needs. I also woke up to some e-mails this morning, asking for "Kick his ass, C. Bass!" t-shirts. I want to, but...does Ottawa get this joke? Give me your thoughts, and we'll see how it progresses.

- And from the "Sorry, but it's true" files: At least this team now has a built-in excuse for tanking in the playoffs (assuming they get there). Should they use it? No. Will they? Do you even have to ask?

More later.

A win, yes...but someone doesn't want this team doing anything in the post-season (assuming that they're fortunate enough to get there). From TSN:

Daniel Alfredsson skated slowly to the bench after being hit hard by Leafs forward Mark Bell in Thursday's 8-2 Senators victory. Alfredsson returned to the ice for 30 seconds of a penalty kill in the second period before leaving for good. After a long chat with the team trainer, he left the bench and went to the dressing room for the remainder of the game... Mike Fisher seemed to have tweaked his groin or knee very early in Thursday's game and didn't return. Following the game, head coach Bryan Murray said both Fisher and Alfredsson have significant injuries. Murray said that Alfredsson's injury is more serious than Fisher's. They won't know anything for sure until Friday but Murray estimated Fisher could be a week and Alfredsson even longer. Murray wouldn't put a time frame on it but said he wasn't optimistic on Alfredsson and that it is "possible" the captain would miss at least the first round of the playoffs, if Ottawa makes it.

(Ed. Note: The following photos are large files, intended to give you a much closer look if you click on them.)

Seeing as that some teams aren't worth discussing right now, the time seems about right for TUC's breakdown of our trip to SoCal.

As stated earlier, The Driver and I took in a game at Staples Center -- Stars v. Kings. It was an afternoon game, which was fine by us as we were coming in from San Diego and didn't want to deal with traffic.



This was around the "front" of the arena. *snicker*



It seems like everything inside the building is purple, or purple-hued, which must make the Clippers feel like crap (sorry, the AFL and WNBA aren't worth referencing).


The arena itself is difficult to describe -- it's a tall building, but the sections of seats don't seem that big (this might have to do with the fact that there are three levels of suites going around the middle of the place like a very expensive belt). I took a peek around various points of the ice and the sightlines were fantastic. You'll also note that the retired jerseys are not hung from different spots on the roof, but instead are displayed all on one side of the ice.







During the St. Louis game here in Ottawa, The Driver and I were complaining about the quality of SBP's scoreboard (which has already been "improved" since the building opened). You can't make out anything on it -- basically it's like watching A-Channel. Now take a look at the pics below (by the way, I was making a similar face after discovering the score of the Sens-Bruins game):





I was sitting on a level called "Premier" -- if you've been to see the Wild play, it's similar to their Club Level. It's a restricted area with restaurants, a carpeted concourse, bigger bathrooms, etc. It's a great setup, although to be fair, the regular concourse itself was pretty fabulous -- with a monstrous team shop that blew Sensations out of the water (both in selection and prices). I wanted to take a photo of the store, but it was a madhouse in there. Our seats were situated just above the 100 level. There were only two seats to each row (excellent idea) and included in-seat food and beverage service (yes, sushi was on the menu). Here's some views from where we were sitting:






Here's a shot of the little signs that the ushers hold up during the game. No, I'm not kidding.




Now here's where it really becomes apparent that Senators fans are getting the short end of the stick -- let's talk about food selection. Here's what 23 USD (including tax) gets you at Staples Center:



We picked up these sandwiches at the Buss Stop (an eatery which may have been named by a Sun Media editor -- just a guess*). The Driver got a turkey and swiss sandwich; I went with a vegetable one on a croissant. Everything is prepped in front of you -- fresh, generous and surprisingly delicious. I hesitate to call hot (real) turkey fast food, but if you're going to eat on the quick at a game, this is the way to do it. And to top it all off? Plenty of tables and chairs to relax in. No hovering over counters and condiment kiosks here.

As for the game itself -- I won't lie, it wasn't a lot to write home about. As I was telling some of you earlier today, the Senators currently resemble the Kings in a lot of ways: The disorganized defence, the lack of shots on goal (it took L.A. nearly 15 minutes to get a SOG in the second period), the overpaid "elite" defenceman collecting his cash and playing out the string, the overcommitment by the goaltenders (Ersberg got yanked)...do I need to go on? High point of the game came when Marc Crawford made the utterly baffling decision to put Raitis Ivanans out during a power play, apparently to fight Steve Ott. Methinks it's about time Paulie Walnuts was put out to pasture. All that being said, the fans that were there definitely gave a (expletive) about the game -- a very high percentage were wearing Kings gear as well.

And here's a side note: You can add Kings mascot Bailey the lion to the list of NHL names beginning with "B" that I've nearly bowled over (other members of the club include Commissioner Gary Bettman and CBC announcer Bob Cole). We were in the process of opening an entrance to the main concourse when all of a sudden Bailey came barreling through it (he was on his way to the ice in an apparent hurry). It's the first time I've seen a mascot do a double take. He definitely wasn't expecting anyone to be behind that door.



Oh, and in case you were curious:

Tickets: $130 (included parking)
Food: $23
Two t-shirts (one chick-style longsleeve): $40 (seriously)
In-seat snacks and drinks: ~$20
Number of times Trooper was played: 0

In short, it was the best hockey experience I've had in 3 years...and the one before that came in Minnesota when we saw the Wild play Phoenix.

So what does that tell you?

Next up: Hockey Night in La Jolla.

____________

*That's a joke, Ottawa. Calm yourselves.

Quick question for all the Mensas who think putting Ray Emery in net is going to solve matters (the same way losing Joe Corvo was going to fix things...or firing John Paddock...or waiting for Chris Neil to get healthy again...or breaking up/reuniting the top line...): Exactly how many goals can Emery score?

A ridiculous question? Perhaps, but it's worth mentioning when the team has been shutout twice in a row (for the second time this season).