The Universal Cynic

ESPN The Magazine's "Body Issue" doesn't hit newsstands until Friday, but some of the photos surfaced on the Internet today -- hence the picture of Zdeno Chara you see above.

I went back to Twitter to view some of the reaction, and you'd think a bunch of 7-year-olds had invaded the site. Is there a prescription out there that relieves the symptoms of nausea, vomiting and blindness? These claims were being made all afternoon by those -- largely of the male persuasion -- who had viewed the photo.

I know these outbursts are typical of many men when they have been exposed to material like this. The underlying lament is always, "I'm all man, dammit!" No one says you have to like it, but an adult with a mature mindset isn't going to question your sexuality if you discuss it objectively.

Granted, I understand that the picture also hasn't been overly popular with women (of course, their take in this situation is based on pulchritude). Unfortunately, I guess that's to be expected.

These pictures are meant to elicit a reaction, and the initial take is always going to be visceral whenever nudity is involved. However, can we please stifle the juvenile opinions, and just deal with it? I know I'm asking a lot, but come on -- it's not that bad, and it's hardly offensive.

More later.

This is pretty sweet -- from Allan Maki at Globe On Hockey:

You can find the most unusual things on e-Bay, such as a 6-foot-9 NHL defenceman willing to auction himself off as a climbing partner on a trek to the top of Africa's highest peak, Mount Kilimanjaro.

And you probably thought bidding on a 14-year-old box of Corn Flakes (with Roberto Clemente's picture on it) was a trifle odd?

Zdeno Chara, the Boston Bruins' Mount Everest of defencemen, has put his services up for bidding on a six-day journey for the benefit of Right To Play, the organization that brings sports and hope to young children in disadvantaged areas throughout the world.

Joining Chara will be Calgary Flames' defenceman Robyn Regehr, who was motivated when two of his former teammates, Andrew Ference and Steve Montador, spent time with kids in Tanzania last summer.

Chara and Regeher (sic) will visit children in the Mozambique capital of Maputo in late June before moving on to mountain quest beginning June 30. Chara has stated that his goal is to raise roughly $100,000 (US) which, according to Right To Play, amounts to $5 for every foot he climbs.

In a taped message on his website, Chara said: “Right To Play is a terrific cause and this will be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure covered by TV Crews from NHL Productions to be shown later on NHL Network.”

Chara's idea is so compelling the NHL should consider getting more of its name players to rent themselves out, for various causes. Just think how much money could be raised by having NHL fans bid on:

Sean Avery cleaning out your garage, attic or basement. (“Hey Sean, get those engine parts to the dump, will ya? And don't slack off.”)

Dominik Hasek reading bedtime stories to your kids. (“Mommy, what's the funny man saying?”)

Georges Laraque settling a dispute with your annoying neighbour. (“Well, if that's the way you want it, Bob, you can talk to my good friend Georges.”)

Or how about this?

Having NHL commissioner Gary Bettman clean those hard-to-reach places behind your bathroom bowl.

See now, I'd totally bid on the Hasek idea. I'd pay him to answer my phone and talk to telemarketers. No joke -- I had part of a Hasek interview as the voice mail on my cell phone for nearly two years...callers either loved it or lost it during messages. High comedy.

P.S. The Bruins' release on Chara's trek can be found here.