The Universal Cynic

Here's your Sportsnet East schedule for the Sens this season -- 40 in all. God, that seems like a huge whack of games. Anyway, more information is available at the Ottawa Senators website.

Scotiabank Senators on Rogers Sportsnet schedule for 2009-10:

Thursday, Oct. 8 - vs. N.Y. Islanders, 7 p.m.
Monday, Oct. 12 - vs. Pittsburgh, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, Oct. 22 - vs. Nashville, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, Nov. 10 - vs. Edmonton, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, Nov. 17 - vs. Toronto, 7:30 p.m.
Monday, Nov. 23 - vs. Washington, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, Dec. 1 - at San Jose, 10:30 p.m.
Sunday, Dec. 6 - at Anaheim, 8 p.m.
Tuesday, Dec. 8 - vs. Montreal, 7:30 p.m.
Monday, Dec. 14 - at Toronto, 7 p.m.
Friday, Dec. 18 - at New Jersey, 7 p.m.
Monday, Dec. 21 - vs. Boston, 7:30 p.m.
Wednesday, Dec. 23 - at Pittsburgh, 7 p.m.
Monday, Dec. 28 - vs. Montreal, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, Dec. 31 - vs. N.Y. Islanders, 7 p.m.
Sunday, Jan. 3 - vs. Philadelphia, 1 p.m.
Tuesday, Jan. 5 - vs. Boston, 7:30 p.m.
Sunday, Jan. 10 - at Carolina, 5 p.m.
Tuesday, Jan. 12 - at Atlanta, 7 p.m.
Thursday, Jan. 14 - at N.Y. Rangers, 7 p.m.
Tuesday, Jan. 19 - vs. Chicago, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, Jan. 21 - vs. St. Louis, 7 p.m.
Saturday, Jan. 23 - at Boston, 1 p.m.
Tuesday, Jan. 26 - vs. New Jersey, 7:30 p.m.
Wednesday, Feb. 3 - at Buffalo, 7 p.m.
Thursday, Feb. 4 - vs. Vancouver, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, Feb. 9 - vs. Calgary, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, March 2 - vs. N.Y. Rangers, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 4 - at Carolina, 7 p.m.
Tuesday, March 9 - at Edmonton, 9:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 11 - at Calgary, 9:30 p.m.
Tuesday, March 16 - vs. Toronto, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 18 - at Atlanta, 7 p.m.
Saturday, March 20 - at Dallas, 2 p.m.
Monday, March 22 - at Montreal, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, March 23 - vs. Philadelphia, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, March 30 - at Washington, 7 p.m.
Thursday, April 1 - vs. Carolina, 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday, April 6 - at Florida, 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, April 8 - at Tampa Bay, 7:30 p.m.

Cory Clouston's press conference took place yesterday afternoon, and the response we received was hardly a shock.

The Ottawa head coach was largely measured in his description of the drama surrounding Dany Heatley, verbalizing that the winger's role wasn't diminished in his opinion, and he was attempting to distribute scoring chances among the players.

To be fair, the Senators have always faced issues with secondary scoring -- Clouston could attempt to gear it up by switching things around, but history has shown it rarely works in lengthy doses. Heatley was, and still is regarded as the team's go-to guy for points (despite being a one-trick pony while doing so). Even if he wanted to legitimately reduce No. 15's role as punishment, the coach couldn't afford to do so.

That being said, The Driver brings up a relevant question:

"If Heatley thinks his role was diminished last year, what will his role be if he comes back and now he's fighting Kovalev for ice time?"

The newly-minted Clouston gained the confidence of fans and the front office with his effort to right a sinking ship last season. He will be looked upon to start this year out on the right foot, and it wasn't setting up to be an easy task, even prior to the Heatley circus. He could attempt to placate Heatley by getting him his touches, but how will that sit with a headcase like Alexei Kovalev (and vice versa)? Could you play them on a line together? Of course, but you get the feeling that there would be a visceral reaction from one or both if things weren't split right down the middle.

Clouston handled himself well yesterday, which couldn't have been easy, given the way he's been dragged into this mess (and regardless of the mounting evidence that suggests there's more to the story). One initially thought he had a pile of work to conquer if he had a chance of surviving a mid-season changing of the guard. That pile -- assuming that Heatley makes an appearance -- is beginning to look like Mt. Everest.

More later.

Once again, courtesy of James Gordon via YouTube.

James Gordon has begun to report the details of the Cory Clouston presser. Analysis to come as more details emerge.

Head coach Cory Clouston is scheduled to speak to the press any minute now. More to come.

Jeff Kent, beloved TUC mascot and resident 3 lb. ball of rage, passed away unexpectedly today after a brief illness.

Kent, a.k.a. The Kentlet a.k.a. Stop Chewing That You Little Bugger, could always be counted on to growl relentlessly, kick the crap out of his stuffed animal companion Roxy, and relieve himself on the local fishwraps as he saw fit. He had an enormous dislike for nearly everyone and everything (with the exception of golden raisins and bananas), and that's what made him such a fixture around TUC HQ.

Above is a memorable photo of him taking out his anger on Bruce Garrioch's mock draft. He ate some, ripped a bit apart, then urinated on the remainder. I wish I was kidding, but our boy never held back.

Goodbye, sweet one. We'll miss you.

By now I'll assume you've heard/read the conference calls featuring both Dany Heatley and Bryan Murray. Let's tackle some random thoughts, shall we?

* Was anyone able to take Dany Heatley's "reasons" at face value? It's understood that the team was/is not as successful as perhaps Dany had anticipated at the time of his signing. That said, perhaps he should try looking in the mirror every once in a while. Standing alongside Daniel Alfredsson and Jason Spezza, he is part of one of the NHL's most recognizable first lines. Furthermore, how does one state that his "role has been diminished" when he's part of such a line, and is looked upon as the first guy you go to for offence? The only thing that's changed is the occasional time on PP -- from first to second line. Who truly perceives that as a diminished role worthy of a trade demand?

* Due to the reasons I've stated above, I continue to stand by my belief that there must be more to this story. This is less about assumption, and more about putting puzzle pieces together that come courtesy of Heatley's inner circle. I know many of you are not fond of idle gossip -- that's not where I'm going with this. But a person doesn't behave the way that Heatley has -- particularly towards his closest friends -- if his issues only involve his role on the team. He doesn't shut down. He doesn't become an island. And that's exactly what Dany has done during the past two months.

* One really has to wonder what kind of a reason Bryan Murray needs to remove Heatley's "A". He claimed that he didn't want to rush into matters, and that it needed to be discussed with the players and coaches. I understand that the man must give a PC answer in situations like these, but he's got to realize such a statement sounds utterly foolish right now.

More later.

Related: Dany Heatley: "Me want options, attention, pancakes!" -- (TUC)

FYI: I'll be tweeting the Bryan Murray presser as soon as the Team 1200 decides to air it. Stay tuned over here.

OK, so he didn't demand breakfast foods, but Dany Heatley might as well have. In case you missed my Twitter explosion during the press conference call, No. 15's breaking of a two-month silence was basically a Kelowna-based cluster(expletive). Some highlights:

- Heatley verbalized his desire to be traded in May, and then presented the club with a formal letter detailing his request;

- He still wants out but will report to camp if nothing happens;

- Believes there are still teams out there that still want him;

- Didn't go to Edmonton because he "wanted more options";

- Believes his reputation as a team guy trumps any of this nonsense;

- Is unhappy with his "diminished role" and says it doesn't solely have to do with head coach Cory Clouston;

- Don Brennan tried to ask Heatley if he would give up the "A" if he returned to the Sens, and Stacey McAlpine cut him off. If you follow Brennan's relationship with Heatley to any degree, this little snub shouldn't come as a surprise.

Sigh.

During this entire mess, I really felt for Edmonton. They totally got thrown under the bus. Heatley claims that the Oilers weren't on his "initial list" of teams where he wanted to go to. He also claimed that his rejection of the trade "wasn't personal; (he) just wanted more options." 20-year-old frat boys who dump chicks via text are better BS artists than this guy.

James Gordon mentioned on his live blog that Bryan Murray may speak at 3:30 pm. We'll stay on that -- more to come.

It will likely be easier for me to tweet this afternoon's proceedings as opposed to constant updates on the blog, so look for me here during the actual press conference. Further analysis will take place at TUC proper later in the day.

Jai ho, emeffers. Let's get on with this.

If Dany Heatley's personal thoughts mean anything to you, thank your lucky stars that this season includes an Olympic year. That's the only reason why he'll be breaking his silence today -- Team Canada has forced his hand, because they don't want the additional distraction. Remember that Heatley's international game reputation has always proceeded anything he's done in Atlanta or Ottawa, so the significance of him maintaining healthy ties with Hockey Canada is large.

It's obviously best to go into today's conference with zero expectations. I assume there will be lot of spin, zero emotion and a whole bunch of pre-packaged semantics. From the other side, it's safe to guess that any bite during this fiasco won't be coming from media within the 613 area code. Baiting, maybe. Passive-aggressive inquiries with no objective? Likely. But based on a good portion of the coverage thus far, I'm expecting not a lot of substance.

On the plus side, James Gordon of the Citizen will be live-blogging the entire circus, beginning at 12:45 pm EDT. You can follow the action here.

Stay tuned...more to come.

The blog will be undergoing a brief shutdown next week -- it will be back (promise), but patience is appreciated in the meantime.

Naturally I assume this will be the time when Heatley will magically be traded. Anything to help the process along, right?

More later.

Allegedly? Sigh.

I will say this: If for whatever reason Jonathan Cheechoo does land in Ottawa, the Sens' front office can be grateful for an increase in ticket sales that comes along with it. Cheechoo has a significant First Nations contingent that shows up for his games at SBP, and their upbeat attitude adds a welcome vibe to the traditionally staid arena.

Finally, to end the night, a little bit of levity from Chris Stevenson:

"Here's a thought: If Bill Clinton can get two North American journalists out of a North Korean prison and sweet talk loopy Kim Jong Il, surely he can get Dany Heatley out of Ottawa. Worth a try?"

(What's with the shorts? Uh...anyway...)

Despite having no fixed address for the past couple of weeks, it surely must not suck to be Patrick Eaves right now. Traded from Carolina to Boston, only to be bought out by the Bruins for $933,000 (hardly a paltry sum when you're only 25). Then, free as the breeze, decides to sign in Detroit for a one-year-deal worth $500,000? Not too shabby.

Yes, it's not a great sum of money from the Wings in the grand scheme of things, but one must remember that Eaves is injury-prone and has a history of concussions. One false move and he could potentially end up sitting in his closet, talking to his mittens for a third of a season. However, Eaves is still an excellent skater with capabilities along the boards that can be appreciated. And it's safe to say that with a team like Detroit, his numbers are probably going to rebound, which only bodes well for him at this time, next year.

For $500,000, Bryan Murray must've squirmed just a tad, despite the potential injury gamble. He's been losing speed on this team left and right, and knows first-hand that Eaves has got it. But of course, who wants to freely go back to a team that traded you away? And besides, Ottawa has this guy, and he's better than Pat by leaps and bounds:



Right? Right? Wait -- why am I hearing crickets?

More later.

As the Dany Heatley deadlock rolls on, tiny cracks are beginning to appear in the vault of silence that surrounds the truth. The presentation to the public has always been that this is a beef between head coach Cory Clouston and No. 15. But few have found that so-called reason to be totally plausible.

Heatley, in the meantime, has completely shut himself off from the Senators. Not only that, he's refusing to take calls from some of his closest friends. And while we haven't gotten to the point of total-frustration-off-the-record-meltdown-on-a-golf-course-by-a-player yet, those inside the dressing room have indeed indicated that this involves some pretty heavy stuff, which goes beyond a simple tiff with a coach.

You may have seen some rumours flying about on Senators-related message boards over the past few weeks. Anything out there is naturally going to be taken with a grain of salt by the sensible. However, it should be noted that certain members of the traditional media have been flapping their gums off-the-record about the Heatley drama, and what they're saying is not far off from we've been reading on sites like HFBoards. Keep in mind, this is one of the biggest small towns out there, kids. Everything comes out eventually.

In short, based on what I've been told by my sources, I'm starting to lean towards the where-there's-smoke-there's-fire side of this situation. History has unfortunately proved that to be the case when it comes to the Sens.

More later.

* Jason Spezza served veal at his wedding. Perhaps he was waxing nostalgic for the days when Jacques Martin used to treat him like said-politically incorrect meat. (Ottawa Citizen)

* The names of the UFL teams have leaked -- notables include the Las Vegas Locomotives and the Orlando Tuskers. A "tusker" -- according to nationhahn, who posted the story on Twitter -- is a wild boar. I was hoping for some sort of Gulf-based dwarf walrus. (UFL Access)

* As featured on Yahoo! and Deadspin: Starbury TV. In the short time I watched, Stephon Marbury claimed to want to do an "Oprah-type show where (he) flew everyone in on a private jet." He also fancies it when you refer to him as "CEOBury." Utter (expletive) madness. (Starbury TV)

* The Globe and Mail's Jeff Blair is a good media choice to follow on Twitter -- he's fairly entertaining and is willing to answer questions/engage in light debate. (Jeff Blair -- Twitter)

* An older link, but worth revisiting during the slow days of summer: Brutal hockey tattoos. Is there even such a thing as a good one? (The Hockey News)

Good news from Chris Stevenson:

The Binghamton Senators will host the Hamilton Bulldogs, the AHL affiliate of the Montreal Canadiens, Nov. 8 at Scotiabank Place.

The two teams will also meet at the Bell Centre in Montreal Nov. 6.

I always enjoyed seeing the B-Sens play their annual game at the then-Corel Centre back in the day, and their fans are wonderfully enthusiastic. My one quibble is that I wish this game was happening later on in the season. We'll see a good portion of these prospects in training camp, which isn't far off from the game itself. If it were in, say, February, we'd have a better idea of how they were progressing as the year went on. No matter. It will be nice to have them back.

As reported by Brent Wallace and Chris Stevenson, Dany Heatley will not be showing up to Jason Spezza's wedding in Ottawa this weekend. How much fear and dread can the softball Ottawa media put into one player? They may be disappointed that they won't get a crack at Heatley right now, but it wouldn't surprise me if they're secretly thrilled to have "scared him off."

That being said, I just thought I'd throw out this conspiracy theory for you, courtesy of The Driver: What if this was a red herring to throw the media off, and Heatley does manage to pull off a stealth appearance? It may piss off the media something fierce, but who cares? If he does end up staying here through some weird turn of events, it would go a long way in repairing the relationship with his teammates.

Chew on that. More later.

That's what NHLPA Executive Director Paul Kelly told Dan Tencer last night on Edmonton's 630 AM radio.

"I think that this been kind of twisted in a negative way, which is unfortunate for Dany. I think he's just a victim of a bad set of circumstances," said Kelly about Heatley, who requested a trade earlier in the off-season.

"While it is true that he requested a trade, it was not Dany Heatley or his agent that made that fact public. I think Dany's been unfairly treated by the media and by the (Senators) organization."

Want some icing on that cake? Alrighty then, try this:

"I know that Dany doesn't harbour any ill will towards Edmonton and, in fact, would seriously consider playing for the Edmonton Oilers."


Read more and download Tencer's entire interview with Kelly here.

Yes, Jordan Staal really did take the Cup to the Hoito. Bless his heart. For more on the Cup's adventures in Thunder Bay, check out this piece from the Chronicle Journal.









(Much thanks to reader Scott B. for the photos.)

When I first heard about what happened to ESPN personality Erin Andrews -- my natural reaction was one of horror. Erin's privacy was violated during a moment when her guard was at its lowest. She was in her hotel room, naked, and likely preparing to go through the typical female ablutions. We all do it, and none of us think about it. We shouldn't have to...unless some freak with fibre optic equipment and a penknife decides to go Jack Bauer on the drywall in the adjacent room.

That being said, I have a few random thoughts on this incident -- and its fallout -- I'd like to share.

1) To witness some of the reaction from the bigger blogs on this topic is rather interesting. Many who initially allowed links to the video have since retracted the posts and gone into "protective pseudo-boyfriend" mode. They "feel badly" for Andrews, and state repeatedly how she "doesn't deserve this." While I wholeheartedly agree with those statements, it's a bit hard to swallow coming from writers who were previously content to objectify the hell out of Erin -- both for the sake of increased traffic and their own personal amusement. How many female sports media personalities were subjected to largely-spread photos of them eating a sandwich, or tales of their visits to a media buffet that featured a "taco bar"? The minutiae of Erin's life have always been up for discussion, and it largely has to do with her personal appearance. I suppose I should be appreciative that these bloggers are finally drawing the line publicly on the objectivity issue, but part of me also wonders how many of them immediately went looking for the video as soon as it was available.

2) While I reiterate that this never should have happened, I sincerely hope it causes Erin to reconsider certain things about life in the business. Yes, she's a very attractive woman. We all know that, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), nothing can be done about it. However, Erin has previously been under scrutiny for wardrobe choices and flirtatious behaviour in the past. These decisions will likely exacerbate any kind of objectionable treatment she receives. Am I saying she's to blame? No. This isn't a, "girl dresses a certain way, she's getting what's coming to her" rant. The fact of the matter is, that while not all men are capable of doing dangerous/criminal things, most are more than capable of objectifying women to some degree -- be it publicly or privately. The spotlight is on her in such a male-dominated business, and her appearance adds to that. Anything -- and I mean ANYTHING that can be perceived as questionable (a hand on a player's shoulder or a dress cut to mid-thigh) can and will lead down a slippery slope.


One of my biggest outcries regarding this issue incidentally came right before this drama took place. Andrews was spotted at the ESPYs wearing a black Herve Leger strapless dress with cutouts down the front. This dress had previously been spotted on other celebrities, and has been repeatedly been crucified in the press for causing its wearers to look like, well, $5-dollar whores.

Did the dress suit her? She certainly has the body to pull it off. But that's not the point. This is a night where the attention would undoubtedly be on her, and she could have chosen to wear something far more sophisticated. Instead, she went for full-on sexpot. Why? It's not necessary. Furthermore, it does nothing to dissuade people from thinking that she's nothing more than a sideline princess -- a fun bauble to look at, but who gives a (expletive) what she says? We all know she's pretty -- why does she insist on feeding the beast?

3) I have stated multiple times on this blog that for a woman, you're more likely to be taken seriously in print as opposed to the other two mediums. I believe print offers the greatest opportunity to neutralize one's gender -- in short, if you can make readers forget that they're hearing from a woman, there's a better chance of being taken seriously. Granted, print is also where the money is the sparsest, so I understand the need to push towards television. No matter what your appearance, this is no easy world to deal with. In nearly ten years of messing about in this industry, I've been told to "sound sexier", "wear something pretty" and "think about being a golf cart girl or a cheerleader for a day -- it'll be a good story." Keep in mind that I'm a relatively average-looking woman who doesn't (expletive) around with work and seriously wants to discuss a team's defensive foibles -- and not which of the blueliners I may find "cute." Nothing is ever going to stop men from objectifying women in this business, but playing the straight and narrow never hurt anyone -- if you truly care about what you're doing, that is (and I believe Erin does).

What happened to Erin Andrews was totally uncalled for, and I can't imagine how she must be feeling right now. I've dealt with some creepy nonsense during my time, but nothing on par with that. All of that considered, I hope this incident causes people -- and women -- to think about the way things go down in sports media...fair, unfair or otherwise.


Related: Erin Andrews and Guilt, Imagined and Otherwise -- Deadspin
Assault on Erin Andrews' Privacy Scary For All Female Journalists -- Yahoo! Sports
Erin Andrews and The Dark Side of All This -- RandBall

For those of you who don't follow Martin Havlat on Twitter, you're missing out. Havlat initially indicated unhappiness with not being able to re-sign with the Blackhawks, and wrote that the "real story about what happened in Chicago (was) to come out", and that "there's something to be said for loyalty and honor." Now today, there's this:

"I guess everyone saw what happened to (Blackhawks GM) Dale Tallon....yes, the story is starting to come out but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

"Lot's (sic) of people are telling me to stay quiet but shouldn't the fans know the truth? It's your loyalty, season ticket money and emotions here."

So will Martin be able to spill, and better yet, can he do it in 140 characters or less?

Stay tuned -- you can follow the drama here.

P.S.: Scotty Wazz over at The Strangest One Of All has chimed in with his thoughts -- definitely worth checking out.

Initially charged this summer with the Sisyphean task of depositing the disgruntled Dany Heatley with some unfortunate buyer, Senators GM Bryan Murray may now have to consider what life (and the cap) could be like if No. 15 stays in the fold.

Owner Eugene Melnyk has already coughed up the required $4-million bonus, and the attempted swap involving the Edmonton Oilers turned into a fiasco that led absolutely nowhere.

So, what exactly, would Dany Heatley have to fear by staying in Ottawa?

Here's your answer: Absolutely nothing.

Oh sure, we've all heard about the "wrath" of the media. But keep in mind that Ottawa is unlike any other Canadian hockey market. To outside observers, it offers the cachet of a north-of-the-border team, however, players don't face the same sort of feet-to-the-flames treatment as in other cities. The capital's traditional media remains largely sheathed in situations such as these. True, they have a voice, but it's rarely one that the intelligent sports fan can take seriously. Any attempts at emotionally-based vitriol come off as juvenile, and any diplomatic observations tend to ring hollow. Naturally, there are exceptions, of course. (Aside: I'll leave you to obsess over who they might be. For me, the Citizen's James Gordon comes to mind. What say you?)

If the media won't make Heatley's life a living hell should he return, what about the fans? Keep in mind, this is the same group that could barely remember to boo Alexei Yashin five visits into his stint with the Islanders, and are content to allow Leafs, Habs and even Penguins fans to overrun their building. Sens fans aren't the type to put "For Sale" signs on players' lawns, or burn their likeness in effigy. They're passive, and if Heatley returns and goes on a blazing streak, they'll also become incredibly forgetful for the time being.

That just leaves the head coach, Cory Clouston -- the alleged impetus in this entire drama. Here's the thing about the Senators' coaching situation as of late: It's become like the weather -- wait a while, and it will likely change. Clouston was given a great deal of credit for getting the Sens back-on-track towards the end of last season (and was rewarded for it by having the "interim" tag removed from his title). But barely righting a team on the brink of disaster when all post-season hope was lost can only be taken with a grain of salt. Essentially, Clouston gave a successful refresher course on the basics -- and Ottawa did show some signs of cohesion under his tutelage. This is the young coach's first NHL gig -- does he have any legitimate tricks up his sleeve to truly get this franchise on the right track, or will he just be another in line to cast aside? Based on recent history, Dany Heatley, should he stay, likely wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

In short, the road would be rocky in the beginning if Heatley were to remain an Ottawa Senator for whatever reason. However, it's important to remember that this city, and all its facets, remains a very soft touch within the National Hockey League. Whatever Dany Heatley potentially faces if he does leave the team, will be far worse than anything he could possibly experience if he stays.

(The lazy-arse link edition)

* Newly appointed target of rage Alex Kovalev says he "(didn't) really have any options, choices" when he made his decision to come play for the Senators. Edmonton must be having a field day with this one. Hey Alex, have you ever heard of a little thing called a "white lie"? You know, like that yarn you tell people when they accuse you of losing your hair. (Ottawa Sun)

* Does Jason Spezza get a Team Canada invite with Joe Sakic's retirement likely imminent? Sens fans always did have a soft spot for unintentional comedy. (HFBoards)

* Neate Sager acts as the Voice of Reason regarding the sagas involving Steve McNair and Manny Ramirez. Without trying to sound like too much of a sycophant, it has to be said: Quebecor doesn't deserve this guy. (Out Of Left Field)

* I made a glaring omission from our luncheon table during the last blog post -- Sportsnet's Patrick King was also sitting with us. Pat's depth of knowledge during the entry draft made the majority of us look like total slackers, and he does a killer imitation of my facial expression in my passport photo. Analysis: Quality guy (despite the fact that he's younger than me, but I won't hold that against him). P.S.: He also has a Twitter account -- be sure to check it out. (Patrick King -- Sportsnet.ca)

* Whose opinion do you really want when Jason Whitlock loses it? That's right -- other cranky sports journalists...on a message board, no less. Welcome to their secret lair, and marvel at their inability to stay on-topic. (SportsJournalists.com)

...because I'm back. Let's not make a big deal out of it.



What can I tell you? Well, in the last three months, I a) have morphed approximately 75% of the way into a Blackhawks fan*; b) would give anything to be back in La Jolla right now (go Spunt!) and c) finagled Team Scott Norwood into covering the 2009 Entry Draft in Montreal for Kukla's Korner, where we got to see Boo Boo sporting a Family Guy t-shirt at Newtown.

(If that doesn't top your high comedy list, check this no-I'm-not-kidding seating arrangement at the prospects luncheon: Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski, my partner Patrick Williams, The Globe and Mail's Eric Duhatschek, Boo Boo and myself. Oh yeah, it was epic...and really comfortable. On the plus side, there was a poutine station at the lunch buffet. I think someone caught Pat Hickey drinking out of the gravy boat, but don't quote me on that.)

All right, that was then and this is now. I don't want this to head into Bill Simmons-esque territory, so I'm going to cover the two topics that matter. You want to hit on anything else, you know where the commentary goes. Let's get to it.

Dany "Notice Me, Give Me Attention -- I Don't Get Enough At Home" Heatley: I know you've all been e-mailing with your thoughts on the matter, and were curious as to mine -- which I haven't shared until now. Here's the thing: I already went through this once this year with the Denver Broncos. Remember when Jay Cutler tripped out and demanded a trade due to new babyface head coach Josh McDaniels (and the rumours that the QB was expendable)? Remember how it turned out? This is my freaking quarterback now:



In short, I'm trying to tell you that I already have an idea of how badly these things can end. That may not really come as a shock to you, but this might...

...I don't really give a damn how this particular tale ends.

Here's the thing: I haven't felt an affinity for Heatley in any way, shape or form since late December, 2006. What was so special about that time? That's when Jason Spezza went down with a knee injury and was out for 14 games, from just before Christmas, until the end of January. Heatley was forced to move ahead without his partner, and showed that he was capable of functioning as more of a complete player. He -- for whatever reason -- was willing to work at both ends of the ice, and it made me realize that he could be contributing so much more. So what happened when Jason Spezza returned to the team? No. 15 slipped back into his old ways, and I was left thoroughly disappointed, but not completely surprised.

Everyone talks about numbers, particularly about Heatley's capability to score 50 goals in a season, but they don't discuss the type of goals that they are. Are they clutch goals? Are they go-ahead goals with five minutes left in the third? Every once in a while, but the majority of the "sniper's" goals are garbage shots from down low, or right beside the net. There's a reason why this guy is dubbed a floater. He pads the total -- good on paper, but he's not an elite player. He's not a Crosby, and he's not an Ovechkin. Truth hurts, kids.

At this point, I would be heartily content if Bryan Murray flipped him for a handful of high draft picks and called it a day (even if I did want to see the GM tackle Ladislav Smid's name at least once). All of this "disappointment" from the front office and owner, combined with butterknife-edged response from the local media is so tired. Get rid of the cancer. Yesterday.

But you might want to have another round of chemotherapy on standby, because straight from the 514....here comes...Alex Kovalev!

(Whaa?)

Various deities bless the self-indulgent social media application that is Twitter. Watching the Kovalev news break was like a car crash that Sens fans couldn't turn away from. Right now, there are so many unanswered questions. Will he show up for road games? Will he and Jason Spezza fight over hair product? Will there be enough alcohol in Kanata to sustain his defensive foibles for two entire seasons? Welcome to Turnover Country, Ottawa! It'll be the mad hotness.

(Oh, and can someone be a dear and get me the season ticket sales for 2009-10? I've got it at 9,000 [taking the under] and I'd like to add a parlay of Spezza and Kovalev hitting 125 giveaways by January. Thanks, dollface.)

I know it's not enough after so long, but it will have to do for now. It's good to be back (reprise), and in the meantime, your punk asses can follow me over here.

More later.

____________

* Don't be coming at me with any "postseason bandwagon" nonsense. This has been several years in the making -- I wrote about it in the old column, for God's sakes. For the record, bank says I'm the only one in the city with a Patrick Sharp t-shirt.

...because it's St. Urho's Day. I suggest you go take it out on a grasshopper.

I twittered about it on Friday, but in case you missed it -- the NHL announced late last week that the 2009 NHL Awards will be held in Las Vegas -- the first of a three-year stint that will take place at the Palms Casino. Apparently the league assumed that screaming, "Hey! We're still culturally relevant!" would have seemed too desperate (bonus points if done outside of ESPN's headquarters).

I'm kind of interested to see how the media handles this prurient overload of sorts. Vegas for the awards show on the 18th of June, followed by the Entry Draft in Montreal beginning only eight days later on the 26th? Hmmm...any early guesses on which journalist attempts to slide in a visit to the Spearmint Rhino/Club Super Sexe on their expense account? ("No, really -- it was a business lunch!")

Long story short: You can replace a 54-40 appearance with watching Sidney Crosby attempt a showgirl-esque strut -- it's still going to suck.

***

And I'll just put this out there now, seeing as I've already received a few e-mails: No, I haven't even considered starting a bracket yet. I usually end up doing around 4 or 5 -- I'm planning at least one "Sports Gal/stupid chick" special, where I select winners solely based on dominant animals and colour preferences (bank says this ends up being the most successful sheet). FYI: Seeing as I'm not an American, my preferred schools come from connections to alumni or faculty. These include Arizona State, Cornell, Duke, and UCLA. Yes, I understand what my odds are like in that grouping, but the Blue Devils remain as my least favourite of the four (somewhere, Dick Vitale just had a seizure). On the plus side, it does give me an excuse to reset a classic Pete Gillen clip. BEAVAH! Ahem. Sorry.

More later.

Yep, it's looking that way. Despite having their playoff hopes all but dashed, it stands to reason that the Senators will remove the "interim" tag from Cory Clouston's job title next season. This boy wonder (who's actually 39 but appears to have serious embryonic tendencies) has likely done enough in the organization's eyes to warrant a legitimate shot at a full season.

When Clouston was hired, I expressed my unhappiness to friends about the timing of the move. Basically I pictured it playing out like this: There were enough games left in the season for the Sens to show some life, and therefore encourage the front office to keep Clouston on. However, there was nothing preventing the team from tanking again after the summer break, and I wasn't convinced that Clouston had a worthy bag of tricks to pull a team out of the slump (it's a different story when you're attempting to accomplish it, and you're no longer the "fresh face"). Then what happens? Are you forced to pull the trigger yet again, ending up with another former employee on tab? Hell, I was already making Raiders jokes before the last firing.

Like so many other facets of their franchise, the Sens don't have a lot of options in this area. There's no cap on coaching, but to fork out big cash for a name only to potentially end up with the same result is a moot point. In short, don't expect to see Pat Quinn's Party Bus (credit SLC) roll up to SBP any time soon. It'll continue to be discussed -- mostly because we have nothing else to talk about -- but bank says it's a done deal.

On the plus side, if it doesn't work out, they can donate Clouston to stem cell research and keep Alfie going for an additional 3-5 years.

See you Monday-ish. More later.

It wouldn't be the Ottawa media if they didn't have someone to bag on, right? Apparently this is considered a topic because the Sens are still in the running for the playoffs from a mathematical standpoint. Sigh. Someone do me a favour and bump up tonight's game by a couple of hours.

You can't tell me that "Jackie" Lou LamoriellO* isn't prone to a bit of a smirk when he sees other teams attempt to pull off a late-season coaching change. Does anyone really think having Bob Gainey behind the bench will make a difference for the Habs?

________________

*If you're new, TUC has insisted in the past that Lamoriello's wideset eyes give off a vibe of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. All he needed was the bouffant 1960's hair and a triple strand of pearls, right? Well, go check today's "Relevant Photo of the Moment" for one hot mess of a mash-up. Warning: You may want to put down your breakfast first.

(Ed. Note: In case you missed it...see below.)

The rankings are out from Bizjournals on 122 sports franchises from the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL -- the Ottawa Senators placed 68th on the list this year. Here's a quick and dirty breakdown of the formula used to determine the rankings:

Half of a team’s score was determined by its level of success on the field, court or ice. Bizjournals’ formula considered each franchise’s win-loss record, average margin of victory (or defeat), and playoff results.

The other half was determined by a team’s relative success in business. The formula analyzed average home attendance, the percentage of available seats sold for home games, and the increase (or decline) in a franchise’s value from 2007 to 2008. The latter was based on annual estimates published by Forbes magazine.

Here's the Sens' writeup:

68. Ottawa Senators (NHL)

Score: 49.46 points (out of 100)
Rank in sport: 18 (of 30 NHL teams)
On-ice performance: 31-39-9 record, average margin of minus-0.44 goals per game
Business performance: 19,465 attendance per home game, 100.0% of capacity, gain of 12% in franchise value

Keep in mind -- these numbers are for last season. Can't wait to see next year's ranking.

Other notables include Montreal (No. 4), Chicago (No. 24), Calgary (No. 27), Vancouver (No. 53), Edmonton (No. 61), Toronto (No. 64), Columbus (No. 114), Atlanta (No. 119) and the New York Islanders (No. 121 -- only the Detroit Lions were worse).

From Garrioch at OTP:

Wilson claims to not care about the media and then says he thinks the media in Ottawa is looking for mock Gerber.

Fans would be intrigued to see how Gerber does. It's no wonder attendance is slipping in the NHL. Guys like this genius behind the Toronto bench don't get it. They don't get it all. When there are empty seats in buildings around the league a genius like Wilson might understand selling the game. It's the story everybody wants to see.

Mock? I don't know how effective they'd be at it, but bank says some barbs would be thrown. As for Gerber being the selling point behind a Battle of Ontario match-up -- good God. Isn't the tradition and majesty of hatred enough?

Hmm...I guess not. Capital Tickets is reporting "fewer than 2,500 tickets remaining" for tonight's game. Rock that walk-up crowd, Ottawa!

Bunch of freaking ruiners. From Sportsnet:

Martin Gerber will not face his old team tonight, as Ron Wilson announced that Curtis Joseph will start in goal tonight against the Ottawa Senators at Scotiabank Place.

Wilson said that he set his goaltender rotation last week and Gerber is slated to play tomorrow against the New York Islanders. Joseph was in goal at Scotiabank Place nine days ago, when the Leafs defeated the Sens 4-3 in OT.

In other news, Jason Smith's buggered knee will keep him out of the lineup for 10-14 days -- hence the call-up of the Babyface. Sigh. Bad times.

He's not on The Team yet, but here's hoping. The Driver, during Saturday's game vs. the Sabres:

(CBC showing replay of Buffalo goal; Galley commenting on Elliott's error)

The Driver: "Brian Elliott? That's not his name!"

TUC: (confused) "Uh, yeah it is."

The Driver: "I thought his name was Billy Elliott?"

TUC: "No, that's a movie about an Irish kid who wants to become a ballet dancer."

The Driver: "Hmmph. I'd sooner have him in net right now."

Yeah, so you'll notice a few changes around the joint. I finally gave in to the new Blogger (which drove me mad for most of the weekend), due to my inability to change anything on the old site. In short, if you had previously asked me to give you some link love and I didn't, that was the reason why. You'll see that you're now able to view the Twitter updates right from here -- I did this after hearing that many of you were into it, but didn't want to bother with accounts and other pages...so there you go. Expect it -- like the blog -- to delve into non-sports topics. I don't know how busy I'll be on it for the meantime, but I imagine it'll be fairly handy when the draft rolls around. As for that blue box in the top right-hand corner: It's supposed to be "about me", but after three years, I think you have it down (Bad Religion, general punk rock, hockey, So Cal, media mockery -- lather, rinse, repeat). I'll be using it for weird little blurbs that don't really fit anywhere else for the meantime. More changes may be coming, depending on my mood. Consider yourselves warned.

Love it? Hate it? Feel like telling me to eff off because you're bitter about dealing with Daylight Saving Time, and need someone to take it out on? Have at it in the comments, or as always, drop an e-mail.

More later.

P.S.: SLC sees the template's name, then takes the ball and runs with it in 3...2...

Not to be vulgar, but I'm pretty sure Shean Donovan took an aisle's worth of feminine paper up his nose tonight. Oh, and Sportsnet, you can ease up with the "Watch It Clot" Cam at any time. Thank God that wasn't in HD.

Is Pascal Leclaire a delicate hothouse orchid? From Don Brennan:

"You guys have to be fair to him," Murray said when asked if he believes Leclaire can withstand the intense heat that will be on him as the No. 1 goalie in this hockey market. "Who puts the pressure on him? People care, people want to see us win. Pascal will come in here and there will be some pressure on him.

"But I talked to people that I know in the business and that have been around him. They all think that he is a No. 1 guy. We hope the mental part of the game goes along with it."

Yeah, because we're all familiar with the brutal scrutiny of the Ottawa media -- they'll really mess with your mind. That being said, remember what happened to the Manatee when he was subjected to the journalistic equivalent of a Bic lighter at 50 paces? Now we have to "hope" that the new guy doesn't have head issues as well. Stellar.

From TSN.ca:

The AHL has suspended the Norfolk Admirals' forward 20 games for deliberately striking an official with his stick.

Late in the third period of the Admirals' game against the Hershey Bears on February 28, Downie slashed linesman Mike Hamilton before a face-off. Downie was given a game misconduct at the time, and the AHL announced Thursday he was being suspended.

Now let's all sit back and wait for the Don Cherry-esque explanation: "Sean Avery is a borderline psychotic who needed anger management and behavioural therapy! Steve Downie is just a troubled youth! Stevie won TWO gold medals with Team Canada at the WJC's, and that makes him infallible in this country! Just give the proper haircut and make sure he's in bed by 10 p.m. every night -- that'll set him right!"

Hmmm...that's probably a tad verbose for the old boy, but you get the idea.

If you're looking for me today, I'm over here.

Alrighty then -- Ryan Miller after a coat of whitewash probably looks better than I do at the present. I'm battling a fever that's either going to cook me or kill me (I know -- from a hygienic standpoint, it's preferable if the latter comes before the former). I actually had to dispatch The Driver to the Land of Staalapalooza on a solo jaunt, because I'm too buggered to travel.

Anyway, the idea of handling the trade deadline in 140-character chunks while in my present condition seemed like a good one, so I'll be using Twitter Mobile from the comfort of my bed for tomorrow. I have no idea what to make of this, and frankly it all seems a bit self-serving, but at this point I couldn't give an arse.

You can keep tabs on the madness through various ways: If you have a Twitter account, you can become a follower by searching my name or "universalcynic" -- this way you'll get the updates as they happen. If you don't feel like creating an account, you can just come to the site as you see fit -- you'll find it right here.

Jai ho, emeffers....see you tomorrow.

Ray Ferraro on the Montreal-Philly broadcast tonight:

"The breakout pass during a powerplay is easily the most underrated portion of the sequence..."

Yeah, and that's why the league treats puck-moving defencemen as if they're coated in platinum as well.

(Ed. Note: That title's umlaut-y goodness pleases me to no end.)

Two tickets for the game vs. San Jose (Section 102): $286

Valet parking: $30

Expressing monumental relief after realizing that minus concessions and tips, I didn't pay a cent to watch that game: Priceless.

Two rounds of Trooper, Stu being forced to explain the Kiss Cam to fans and a crowd of 17,000 and change who truly behaved as if they couldn't give a damn. Stay out of the building, kids. It's a bad scene.

P.S.: Just a heads-up here -- I'll be spending the trade deadline surfing the ice floes around Alex Auld's camp (that's "cottage" for you non-Lakehead types). It's safe to assume I'll be happier if Schubert and Neil get the boot -- goodnight now, Manschettenknopf* and Pee-Wee Toe Drag. It's been real.

More later.

_______________

*Yes, I called him "cufflink". It's one of the few German words I know. Don't ask.

Here's Carrie Underwood's high school-esque reaction after being spotted at the Sens-Preds game last night. Apparently she failed to see the irony in the move, because her reaction is currently making the rounds all over the place.

Your ass was warned. The goodness (or a reasonable facsimile of it) begins at 7:45.

Yeah, so I know this'll go over about as well as your wife's/significant other's flannel onesie on Saturday night, but here's the thing...

A handful of games in which the Sens appear, well, relatively effective, is a good thing -- no one's debating that here. But can we all calm down in regards to players like Brian Elliott and Brendan Bell? The way some are going on about Elliott, you'd think they were fantasizing about getting a rubdown with that hot glove hand of his. As I pointed out to the OBC last night, many goaltenders have seen bright moments in this town before crashing and burning. There's absolutely no harm in letting him play out the string -- it'll help him get a feel for the big leagues, and it likely won't hamper his development. That being said, you'll have to excuse me if I don't feel like he deserves a Vezina nomination just yet. History does NOT run in this kid's favour. Credit to him if he beats the odds, but I'm not betting on it. Just saying.

As for Bell -- yes, it's all very lovely that the Sens are getting offensive production from someone on a two-way contract, but given the Sens' overall defensive woes, I think we need to keep it in perspective. A team that considers Brendan Bell as its potential power play QB of the future is a team in desperate need of a blueline makeover.

Well, that's all for this week. Expect things to be quiet around here for the next couple of days -- The Driver and I have plans this weekend (I'm expecting Chris Cuthbert imitations over dinner), but meet us back here on Monday, when the OBC will be hooking up a live blog for the game vs. Nashville. Topics on the agenda include SLC's burlesque house etiquette, the possible re-emergence of Antoine Vermette and whether it's acceptable to bark at the powerhouse actor known as Colm Feore. Trust us, it'll all make sense if you show up.

More later.

Leafs fans are going to have a field day with this. TUC's friend Alanah from Kukla's Korner has unearthed some serious gems from Ray Emery's Facebook page (a person with access to Ray's listing was kind enough to forward them to her). These appear to have been taken last season during a party where a hypnotist was present (although that still doesn't justify seeing Alfredsson in a getup similar to the dress that Gwyneth Paltrow wore during her Oscar win).




We were able to make out Furbligno in the 'banger gear -- is that Phillips in the red? Feel free to take a stab at it in the comments.

Want more (including Mike Fisher as Andy Warhol)? Go here.

Here's the thing: I know everyone was in full-on goober-mode after the Sens' "character win" vs. Buffalo on Saturday. Yes, very good -- Ottawa was able to pull off a shootout victory after almost blowing it in the third. Miracles can happen, and dogs can live with cats (as Miss Sherry pointed out in an OBC post-game e-mail).

Wins should make the fans happy, right? Nothing else matters? Uh, no -- not on this blog. Not when all I wanted to do was tear Brian Lee's emaciated limbs off (now there's a visual).

I get it -- he's still quite young (he'll be 22 next month). I understand that he's only played in 33 regular season games. I acknowledge that defencemen take longer to mature, and I know the hammer can be brought down only so hard, OK?

But I'm still bringing it.

Defenders of Lee might want to remember that he played in all four of the Sens' post-season games last year. You'd think such an opportunity would make a kid quite nervous. However, it also would have forced him to work through his fears, and perhaps, calm down a bit.

It sure as hell didn't appear that way on Saturday. If you're looking for a prime example, check out the Sabres' first goal. Lee skated behind the net with the puck, and was obviously waiting to make the breakout. When Tim Connolly dared to skate in and forecheck (gasp), Lee freaked out and in his feeble attempt to dodge a hit, he expectorated the puck right into Buffalo's lap.

(Aside: Should someone have come in to help him as soon as Connolly made his approach? No doubt, but we've been dealing with that problem all year. That still doesn't justify Lee putting the priority on not being jostled as opposed to protecting the puck. Could you imagine him on the streets of Mumbai? Would he just stand there and scream in the manner of Ned Flanders or similar? That's the way I picture it, but I don't know if he can hit such a high pitch. Someone snap the little darling with a wet towel and get back to me.)

The "don't touch me" attitude reared its ugly head again late in the third, when Lee sensed an opponent lining him up along the boards as he was skating up ice. So what did 55 do? He got rid of the puck by dumping it in -- except he did it prior to hitting the red line. Pointless icing when the game is tied? Not hot, Babyface.

Since drafting him in 2005, the Ottawa Senators have all but admitted that Brian Lee was meant to pick up where Wade Redden left off. Are you buying what they're selling right now? This panic-stricken kid who shuns all body contact* is supposed to be the next franchise offensive defenceman? Who's been grooming him?

Oh, that's right -- Cory Clouston. Should he have a go at Erik Karlsson next?

Go ahead and chew on that. More later.

____________________

*Yeah, I know. In some ways, he's a Senator already, isn't he?

Worth passing on: The Driver insists that Nick Foligno looks like a Furby. Over-under on when the blog begins referring to him only as "Furbligno"? 48 hours. Get your action down now.

Two players, each with seven goals a piece. One is being paid 6-million dollars this year; the other will be getting $850,000. The difference goes towards heart, PK time, churchiness and tabloid titillation.

(Aside: Please don't give me a headache by turning this into something it's not. I know they're not the same player. I just find it hilarious that they have equal goal totals right now.)





Look at those odds. All that hard-fought tanking, and for what? Suck harder, damnit! (Yeah, yeah...I know. That line will be filming outdoors on a bare mattress in the San Fernando Valley this weekend. Come one, come all. OK, I'll just stop it here. Gimme a break -- it's Friday.)





The Toby Jug or the Cup of Demons? This picture was taken during the recent Florida-Toronto game. Now you know how Jacques has been weaseling his way into the playoff race: He's gone pure evil.

(Ed. Note: Thanks to Jason for the photo.)

Other miscellaneous crap...

- Interesting to watch the Senators play last night as if they actually gave a damn (emphasis on the first word of the sentence). And yes, I know Brian Elliott made some choice saves -- including in the shootout -- but mark my words: He is not the guy. He cowers too far in the back of the net, the positioning is questionable...and that's just for starters. For the record, you can put Sens goaltending coach Eli Wilson in the same category as Greg Carvel. Can someone explain why he's still here?

- Oh, check this out: Furbligno (hope you got your bets down in time) moved his feet on the PP, and good things happened. 15, you might want to take that down for future reference. Just saying.

- Finally, you can consider the following as your weekend Chewable...here, let me get the photo up so it feels official:



There we go.

Olympic champion Michael Phelps' recent public rendezvous with the bong has resulted in at least one sponsor cutting ties with him. Kellogg's announced yesterday that they were not renewing their contract with the swimmer.

Now I'm just hypothesizing here based on what I've heard, but isn't cereal one of the ultimate stoner foods? Sure, people might have a bad trip and put gravy on it instead of milk*, but along with Doritos and Cool Whip, I thought it was right up there. And just for the record, Kellogg's isn't trying to kill your buzz by only producing cereals like All-Bran and Corn Flakes. Did you know they're the ones behind Froot Loops? That cereal virtually screams, "burnout". They also make something called "Mini Swirlz". I don't know what those are, but they sound trippy. Do those go better with E? Do people still do E? I'll shut up now. Long story short: If I'm Phelps' PR man, I march into Kellogg's tomorrow to tell them that his client was attempting to identify with some of their loyal consumers.

Have a good weekend, cynics. More later.

__________

*I know what you're thinking. No, definitely not. But in high school, my best friend got kind of messed up one night and proceeded to jam a miniature statue of St. Jude up her nose (just the head) -- but that's only when she wasn't eating Miracle Whip straight out of the jar with her hands. Kids, don't do drugs.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Bloody Team 1200.

Ever wondered what it's like to do business with a professional sports franchise? TUC's friend Steve Ladurantaye of The Globe and Mail recently conducted an interview with Ottawa Senators COO Cyril Leeder on that very subject. Here's a clip:

What can a small company do to better tailor its business pitches to pro sports teams?

Cyril Leeder: Be brief and specific. Be prepared to be competitive. If we make a commitment to use your service, you had better be prepared to make a commitment to be a season-ticket holder and sponsor of the hockey club.

Want more? Go here.

Mike Zeisberger of the Toronto Sun on TSN's Off The Record yesterday:

"I keep hearing how Ottawa fans want a puck-moving defenceman. What was Joe Corvo?"

Sigh.

DE-FENCE-MAN. Can we please focus on that word, kids? It's kind of important right now.

It does Ottawa no good if a player can move the puck, but can't be trusted in his own zone. Yes, I know there are stay-at-home guys, but come on -- their first job is to defend. If not, they'd be forwards. Ottawa has seen guys like Joe Corvo, Wade Redden and Andrej Meszaros come and go. What did they all have in common? They could move the puck (some better than others), but they were also the source of many of a myocardial infarction when the play came into the Senators' end.

Don't gloss over the issue, because this isn't just an obsession about the breakout pass. It has to be the right guy -- one who can be trusted both in front of and behind the blueline.

More later.

Craig Hartsburg -- the coach who kinda looked like a poor man's Dicky Barrett -- has been given the boot.

Two thoughts here:

1) Does Melnyk think he can coach and/or is he going to make the next hire himself;

2) Who does Greg Carvel have naked pictures of? According to my math, this is move No. 4 he's going to skate through. How is he not part of the problem?

More to come as this hot mess develops throughout the day. Stay tuned.

UPDATE #1: Garrioch says Cory Clouston is taking over. Jeebus help us all if this is true. Best take on TUC's texts so far: "(Cory) Clouston is Hartsburg without the personality."


UPDATE #2:: Darren Dreger is reporting on the FAN 590 that Clouston will be given the interim tag. Remind me again why they're doing this?

UPDATE #3: We're hearing rumblings of Pat Quinn (and no, not his stomach). Apparently he named was dropped last night within the inner sanctum as the knife fell. True? No? Stay tuned.

UPDATE #4: Alrighty then -- press conference done. Much obliged for the softball q's, boys. Sheesh. So here's the synopsis: Murray says that Clouston -- yes, it's him -- is here until the end of the year. Murray said he did this, basically to assess the performance level of the players currently in Ottawa uniforms. Claims there's still "big decisions to be made". Pfft. Probably the most interesting thing the GM said was this: Mr. Eugene is NOT pulling the strings -- he allowed Murray to make the choice, and that there were some choice veteran names he "was thinking about". Murray wanted Clouston (whose name he does not know how to pronounce, by the way) because he "knows our players and prospects" and can get "maximum performance" out of them. "Cory earned this...he deserves this", Murray later added. Damn dude, what the hell did you do in Binghamton to be thrown into such a mess? For the record, Cory insists he's "not a player's coach". Does it even matter any more? He also added that he's been "pigeon-holed as a defensive-minded coach", but that isn't true either. You know, because that would be really bad, given the current situation.

I'm really surprised no one stepped up to ask what Clouston has that the veterans do not. (More naked pictures, perhaps?) Anyone have an answer for that? As for Quinn, does this mean he's truthfully out of the picture? Melnyk was practically dry-humping him at the WJC's. Has the relationship cooled, or does he want his boy to start fresh next year...with a clean slate perhaps?



Let the mania continue, cynics. More later.

...because the old-school Jungle listener in TUC still giggles after hearing Bruce Springsteen utter the line "tramps like us...".

I know a lot has gone down in the past few days, and frankly, I was not available to hit on any of it. Therefore, I'm going to concentrate on the bits that stood out to me the most, and leave the rest for leftovers and miscellaneous stuff. Ready? Here we go...


TUC is still trying to figure out what Mr. Eugene's deal is. One day he's venting and applying completely inappropriate analogies to the Senators' woes; the next he's on the radio acting so sickeningly sweet and positive you'd think he was freelancing for Disney...or a chiropractor.

Look, I get that the guy has to pull for the team -- after all, he's the one who's ponying up for them. But no one's forcing him to open his mouth right now, and therein lies the rub. These days, Ottawa fans don't want to hear that this team has a legitimate shot at a playoff berth, a lengthy post-season run, or God forbid, a Stanley Cup victory. Why? Well, because it's a bunch of bull(expletive). (Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.) Hell, it wouldn't do them much good to keep from humiliating themselves on a daily basis, because as it stands, there are top-shelf draft picks at stake -- and damn good ones, too. What does an eighth-place finish in the East get you this year? Your precious two-game homestand gate receipts? Repeated nostalgia from all those post-season sweeps of yore? Way to pump up the masses, Mr. Eugene. Enjoy your season ticket base of 8,000 people next season, and by the way -- pass the C-4. Some of us are smart enough to realize that not everything can be fixed with bandaids, rotating personnel and kids from Colgate University.

***

The crazy Columbus ginge known as Mike Commodore weaseled his way into my heart a couple of days ago, when he let loose with some unflattering thoughts about his tenure in Ottawa. Now to be fair, I don't really give an arse about his beef with Bryan Murray. That being said, this little quip was bank:

"I didn't play well. I was not a good player," Commodore said. "But when I go around the room and ask the other defensemen how we play in our own zone, and I get six different answers how am I supposed to fit in?

I swore up and down that Commodore said something similar (although maybe not as direct) during his actual time as a Senator, but damned if I could find it when I needed to. Regardless, the following helps to illustrate what I've been saying for some time -- the Ottawa Senators are completely lacking in a proper defensive system. This -- combined with the lack of effective puck-moving blueliners -- is destroying them. I'm not going to defend Commodore's play as a Senator (e.g. him not showing up as the hard-nosed guy fans were expecting), but it's one thing to not understand a lesson that's being taught -- it's a whole 'nother ball of wax when you're expected to learn without any lesson at all. I know these players make a lot of money and we in turn, expect a great deal from them. But for all their talent, you can't simply send a defensive core out there and tell them to just "be". It's not that Zen. You have to find it somewhat telling that a former player is coming out with claims against the Senators' defensive structure (or lack thereof). It would be wonderful if Ottawa would actually get off their ass and do something about it, as opposed to being blasted in the media by unhappy ex-employees.


***

Finally, let it be said that TUC is viciously unhappy to watch William Houston of The Globe and Mail unceremoniously ride off into the sunset. God willing, the appropriate person will come along to step into his place. They're big shoes to fill, but the Canadian sports media desperately needs someone to keep it in line -- be it at the Globe, or another any other traditional outlet of significant size.


One of Houston's final columns provided me with quite a laugh (although surely unintentional) when he wrote about the CBC's issues with the word "pansification", and Don Cherry's refusal to say it. Here's a clip from the column:

Cherry has mimicked effeminate males when discussing the media in the past. But he said he has never publicly put down homosexuals.

"I've upset just about everybody else, but never ever said anything about gays," he said.

The Hockey Night commentator said yesterday he supports gay initiatives and has influenced teenagers to come out of the closet. He recalled plugging a gay hockey tournament in New York on Coach's Corner several years ago.

"I got a nice letter from the head of the gays thanking me very much," Cherry said. "The whole deal. And I wrote them back, too."


Honestly, that's lovely. But "the head of the gays", Don? Seriously?

More later.

Welcome to your first post for 2009. It almost didn't happen because, frankly, I was a bit burnt out on the whole idea. But then, two things happened:

1) I had to fire the old girl up last night to help someone obtain a bit of information that I knew I had kept on here, and I got a bit sentimental about it;

2) You bloody people wouldn't leave me alone.

"Erin, what's wrong with the blog? Why can't I see the blog? When's the blog coming back? Why don't you love me anymore? Do these pants make my ass look big?"

(Okay, only a couple of you included the last sentence in your missives, but you get my drift.)

I couldn't answer every e-mail, but the point is -- I was on a break. Now I'm back. Breathe...it'll be okay. Thank you for your patience, and as always, your commitment to my sports-related insanity via deciphered binary code.

Let's catch up, shall we? Here's what went down while I was gone:

1) The Driver and I did quite a lot of the World Junior thing -- I thought the Swedes were the mad hotness for most of the tournament, and watching them throw up all over themselves in the final was pretty brutal. (Hurrah for the homeland and all that good stuff. Uh, I guess.) I'm in solid agreement with most that Erik Karlsson definitely is on the right track, and will likely be in a Senators uniform sooner rather than later. His play gets a bit too pretty at times, but that can be remedied with the correct grooming. I think he's further along in his development than Brian Lee was during his stints at the WJC (keep in mind at that time, the U.S. defence was quite deep and Lee's contributions were minimal at best -- the Swedes also brought a detailed blueline core, and many agree that Karlsson was at the forefront of the group).

(Aside: Thanks to JB for all his hook-ups during the tournament. Dude, I owe you a couple of beers or a trip to California. I'll let you pick which one.)

2) US Weekly approached me to dig up dirt on Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood. Seriously. For the record, I didn't do it. Check it out: This is me being nice in 2009.

3) I've received an offer to go fishing with the Hanson Brothers this summer. Seriously (reprise). I'm still mulling it over because I'm paranoid I'd fall out of the boat. That being said, it would've made for one hell of a column, if Sun Media hadn't allocated my salary towards hot air balloon repairs. Stay tuned on this one.

4) Regarding The Manatee: Sigh. In the end, I put him in the same category as Joe Corvo -- it didn't work out, but let's get real: He never should've been brought here in the first place, and a lot of the expectations could be connected to the fact that he was overpaid. That's not his fault. Gerber was a good teammate who never rocked the boat, and handled so much of the unnecessary drama in Ottawa with an unbelievable amount of class. Swim on, Sea Cow. Best of luck to you.

5) I was in Vegas recently and witnessed the AFC and NFC championships from the MGM Grand's sports book. Good times, bad smoke. To say there was an unbelievable amount of action on the Cardinals would be the understatement of the century. (By the way, I kept looking for a line on how many times Kurt Warner would thank Jesus after the big win. There were none. Lunacy.) Anyway, The Driver is pleased as all hell because The Buzzsaw is his 1a team, after the Chargers. (Just to clear things up: I am not dating Will Leitch. There was another dude who liked the Cardinals before all this happened. I just happen to live with him.)

I know, I know. "What does this have to do with hockey?!?" Calm down, chickadees. I'm getting to that.



Here were the odds to win the Stanley Cup this year for all 30 teams, as of January 12th. Your degenerate gamblers call these "futures bets". And yes, you're reading that correctly: The Senators -- after starting the year at 12/1 -- were an 80/1 bet as of mid-January. The freaking Kings had better odds than that. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr. Eugene. (More on him in the next post, by the way.)

Anyway, I wasn't in Vegas to bet on football or scrutinize the hockey odds -- I went down to see Pennywise and the Circle Jerks (then Pennywise again with Pulley the next night) at the House of Blues. Here's a clip from the show, which includes footage of the biggest man I ever interviewed. And don't bitch to me about how this has nothing to do with sports. My blog, my rules. Next you'll be expecting me to turn into some lankster who plays bass guitar on the side. Wait...what?



Yeah hey, says I. It's good to be back. More later.

P.S.: You'll also notice for the first time in years (literally) we're giving the peanut gallery a trial run. Media and professional franchises, govern yourselves accordingly -- anonymous comments are difficult to pull off when the joint is rigged with site meters. Just saying.