The Universal Cynic

'Cause it's not what you've done/It's what you've been
If you fuck up/I'm telling Tim

-- I'm Telling Tim (NOFX)

Regarding the "anti-Spezza" posts on Tim Baines's new blog:

1) Don Brennan and Bruce Garrioch are big boys - one would hope they could defend themselves;

2) Don't you wish this blog was around in 2008? It would have been interesting to see Baines take up for his writers when this was going on.

More later.

...because I have the "talking pillow."

It's rare for an incident involving Steve Downie to get lost in the NHL shuffle, but it seems like that's exactly what has happened over the past few days. In the midst of another round of Ovechkin-mania (involving his hit from behind on Chicago's Brian Campbell and subsequent two-game suspension), Downie's slew-foot on Sidney Crosby received nowhere near the same amount of attention -- and I wasn't the only one who noticed.

We can hypothesize that Downie's behaviour didn't garner as much outrage because Crosby emerged unscathed (whether that stands as a justifiable reason is a discussion for another time). But the incident itself got me to thinking about Vincent Lecavalier's harsh words for Matt Cooke after his head shot on Boston's Marc Savard.

In speaking with the media, Lecavalier said that "(Cooke's) been doing that his whole career. He’s been hurting a lot of guys."

You could definitely say the same thing about Lecavalier's own teammate, Steve Downie. Funny that.

One has to wonder what Vinny truly thinks about his fellow Bolt and his questionable behaviour. Things get complicated when you have to suit up next to the guy on a daily basis.

***

Hey, look: This dancing machine is going to duke it out with the Neckbeard for the starting QB position with the Denver Broncos next season. C'mon now, what have I done to deserve this? On the bright side, it led to Phil Simms's son getting the boot, but if you had told me two years ago that Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn were going to be my top two choices at quarterback, I would've suggested that you go fornicate yourself twice over. And I don't really give an arse that Brady and Josh McDaniels share a bond over the round mound of rage known as Charlie Weis. This whole New England thing is getting as bad as Bryan Murray's hometown boy obsession (and so far, just as effective). For the record, Brady completed only 53% of his passes last season, and Pat Bowlen has said that he would like to draft a passing QB next month.

Oh, you mean like Jay Cutler? I guess the point is moot if you have no one to throw to. Regardless of his talent, WR Brandon Marshall is out on his ass for multiple reasons, and we all know it. Sigh. What a hot mess.

More later.

Damn, I want to believe Flyers fans are this committed. Here's the last letter from Bill Simmons's mailbag today:

A couple of weeks ago at a frat party, I began to get with a pretty cute girl. As the night wore on, and the drinks started flowing, she took me back to her apartment. When I entered her room, the first thing I saw was a giant Sidney Crosby poster. Without saying another word to her, I left. My buddies have never stopped making fun of me since, but I still insist that it was the proudest moment of my life as a die-hard Flyers fan. Can you please give me some consolidation, or should I have just swallowed my pride? In my defense, I would not qualify her as "hot."

--Dave Z., Philly

Love it, regardless if it's true or not.

Place this one under the header of "Adventures in Creative Contest Marketing."

I found this on the website for Wild Wing" -- a chain of Canadian restaurants specializing in the flapping part of the chicken that serves as a general accompaniment to beer. Anyway, as I clicked onto the page, the header left me rather perplexed. A contest for a No. 87 jersey -- baby blue in colour, dangerously similar to the Pittsburgh throwbacks? Penguins championship slogans on the bottom? A bad Photoshop attempt at someone who's supposed to look like Sidney? (Ed. Note: You'll notice they forgot the lipstick.) Yet, there's no mention of Crosby, the NHL, or the Penguins proper anywhere in the advertisement. Funny that.

The rules and regulations state that the prize is a "Sidney Crosby signed heritage jersey ... This deluxe framed piece features a Sidney Crosby signed heritage jersey combined with a custom Wild Wing plaque."

Oooh, classy.

Apparently someone is trying to get out paying for the use of Crosby's image and NHL signage. Too bad the results are more than suspect (not to mention laughable).

...because it's St. Urho's Day. I suggest you go take it out on a grasshopper.

I twittered about it on Friday, but in case you missed it -- the NHL announced late last week that the 2009 NHL Awards will be held in Las Vegas -- the first of a three-year stint that will take place at the Palms Casino. Apparently the league assumed that screaming, "Hey! We're still culturally relevant!" would have seemed too desperate (bonus points if done outside of ESPN's headquarters).

I'm kind of interested to see how the media handles this prurient overload of sorts. Vegas for the awards show on the 18th of June, followed by the Entry Draft in Montreal beginning only eight days later on the 26th? Hmmm...any early guesses on which journalist attempts to slide in a visit to the Spearmint Rhino/Club Super Sexe on their expense account? ("No, really -- it was a business lunch!")

Long story short: You can replace a 54-40 appearance with watching Sidney Crosby attempt a showgirl-esque strut -- it's still going to suck.

***

And I'll just put this out there now, seeing as I've already received a few e-mails: No, I haven't even considered starting a bracket yet. I usually end up doing around 4 or 5 -- I'm planning at least one "Sports Gal/stupid chick" special, where I select winners solely based on dominant animals and colour preferences (bank says this ends up being the most successful sheet). FYI: Seeing as I'm not an American, my preferred schools come from connections to alumni or faculty. These include Arizona State, Cornell, Duke, and UCLA. Yes, I understand what my odds are like in that grouping, but the Blue Devils remain as my least favourite of the four (somewhere, Dick Vitale just had a seizure). On the plus side, it does give me an excuse to reset a classic Pete Gillen clip. BEAVAH! Ahem. Sorry.

More later.

...because we're dedicating SNFU's "Black Cloud" to Wade Redden.

Alright, so I promised you Hockey Night in La Jolla, right? A little background: The last time The Driver and I went to San Diego, we found a skating rink plopped in the food court of an outdoor mall. There was some feebly arranged peewee hockey being played, and the goalies didn't even wear pads or masks. That being said, the parents and rest of the food court was totally into it, and I thought, "How cool is this?" I made sure to seek out the rink the next time we came down, in the hopes that I'd be able to catch some more hockey, however pathetic.

This time around it was beer league -- proper equipment, although just as brutal. I wasn't planning on staying long...that was, until I saw the guy on the left skate past (click to enlarge):

The name on the back of his jersey was "Spunt". Best. Freaking. Name. Ever. Unfortunately, the dude skated like Brian McGrattan on muscle relaxants, but somehow that made me love him even more. Maybe it was all the beach time or my slightly sunburnt forehead, but I went into puckbunny mode -- chasing back and forth with the camera attempting to get photos while Sephora and Victoria's Secret bags dangled from my wrists.

(Aside: Despite the blog, column and my false bravado, I am still a chick who cares far too much about uncomfortable underwear and overpriced makeup. This is also worth mentioning: The Driver came into VS with me, and spotted some hot pink and black lingerie on display. He pointed at it and stage whispered to me, "Hart Foundation!" I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about -- the statement itself, or the fact I knew exactly what he was talking about. )

Anyway, back to the game. We were facetiously speculating on the past of the guy in the Phantoms jersey, when all of a sudden he fell about six times in a two minute span (including backwards through the gate in a move that was reminiscent of Midori Ito). The whole thing was so atrociously bad, I couldn't have possibly enjoyed it more. If you're ever in San Diego, track down the University Town Center mall and see it for yourself. It's totally worth it.

________

As for tonight...I don't know what to tell you, kids. Some of the things being said in the media have left me completely perplexed. Sarcastic or not, you can't encourage vicious injuries to the opposition. Furthermore, do you really want to see this team spend time in the box with three of its best PK men out with injuries? Shake yourself.

It's the defence that truly has me intrigued. The pairings are all over the map: 6-24, 4-44 and 14-55. It's the last one that really freaks me out -- if anything, Lee's got the calmer head of the two, but this is the playoffs and he's a neophyte.

Speaking of neophytes, can someone explain how Sidney Crosby gained a wealth of experience in five playoff games last year? "He's not green anymore! Look out!" I know his hockey intelligence is unsurpassed, but how's about we save these threats until he's played in the post-season for a few years?

Back to the D for a final thought: The blueline has got to step up their grit for this series -- it was an integral part of the team's success against Pittsburgh last year. I was talking to a friend about Phillips the other day and we both came to the same conclusion: Why doesn't this guy realize how effective he is when he plays with some toughness? Has he not been praised enough when he's done so? It's like dog training -- give the guy a ton of positive reinforcement when he hits someone. "Good boy, 4! Play that man!" Slap him on the ass, and send him out again. By the way, if Phillips were a dog, he'd be a St. Bernard. Yeah, don't tell me you can't see it.



Looks like Spunt needs a break, and frankly so do I. More later.

- The Driver and I banter back and forth about a lot of topics -- for example, we couldn't agree on whether Danzig's Twist of Cain qualifies as a stripper song (I said yes, he said no). It was about two weeks ago when we came to a compromise, and decided that it could qualify as a first or third song in the traditional three song rotation, seeing as the second (top off) is traditionally a ballad.

(Aside -- I know way too much about strip clubs, considering that I'm basically a strip club neophyte. Don't question it...just go with it. Hands up how many of you are heading over to Limewire to download the song after you're done reading this. Yep, that's what I thought.)

Anyway, I'm getting way off topic. Our latest debate centres around whether Martin Gerber bears a close resemblance to Prison Break's Dominic Purcell (I say no, he says yes). Take a look at the photos above -- what do you think? I tried to find ones that would support The Driver's argument. Seriously -- it's just the stubble and hair, right?

- How many of you caught John Muckler's Upfront on OTR last night? My favourite part involved Muckler referring to the newly acquired No. 61 as "Spareekin". When did Don Cherry take over as GM of the Senators? You know the GM must've spent a good amount of time mulling over his impulse purchase if he's still unsure of his name. Meh -- why bother worrying about pronunciation now? It's not like the kid is staying.

- I know you might think based on my hometown heritage, that I am undoubtedly enamoured with curling and all its major competitions. Surely the day is coming when I'll regale you with tales of Al Hackner in the '80's at the Fort William Curling Club. Wrong. Curling drives me bloody bonkers, especially when it preempts my beloved PTI in its entirety. What the (expletive), TSN? Check it out: If a participant's weight is never an issue, it's not a sport. If you can do it after downing a bottle of cherry brandy, it's not a sport. If it resembles any type of household chore, it's not a sport. And yes, I know I came close to describing MLB there for a minute. Close, but no cigar. Down with the Brier...now where's my daily Dwayne Wade injury update?

- Here's one for the Elias Sports Bureau: What's the Sens' current record after experiencing a goalie change by the opposition? Something tells me it's not great.

- Do you think TSN's editing department has added Sidney Crosby to the payroll in the past fortnight? Honestly, when the Penguins now go into a shootout, 10 to 1 says someone hits the record/repeat button and walks out of the building for the night.

- More genius from inside TUC HQ: After Stuntman Stu announced Dany Heatley's 41st goal, The Driver deadpanned, "(Stu) sounds like he's falling off a cliff." It took me nearly five minutes to regain my composure.

More later.

- Pity sports media and their mounds of lost luggage -- Sportsnet

- You want that William "Refrigerator" Perry autograph? You're going to need to buy 600 cans of soup first -- CBS2Chicago

- The NBA All-Star Game in Vegas wants your money...just as long as you're a somebody -- Las Vegas Review-Journal

- What the hell is this? A puffer fish? -- Lake Erie Monsters official website

- If it were up to Damien Cox, Lips Crosby would not be puckering up to the Hart Trophy in June -- The Spin (Toronto Star)

- Sabres fans coming off as a-holes in the Western Conference -- German Village Media

- "You're with me, Democrat." (We could've said, "You're with me, donkey", but that's just going overboard for a Monday) -- The Big Lead