The Universal Cynic

Leafs fans are going to have a field day with this. TUC's friend Alanah from Kukla's Korner has unearthed some serious gems from Ray Emery's Facebook page (a person with access to Ray's listing was kind enough to forward them to her). These appear to have been taken last season during a party where a hypnotist was present (although that still doesn't justify seeing Alfredsson in a getup similar to the dress that Gwyneth Paltrow wore during her Oscar win).




We were able to make out Furbligno in the 'banger gear -- is that Phillips in the red? Feel free to take a stab at it in the comments.

Want more (including Mike Fisher as Andy Warhol)? Go here.

Worth passing on: The Driver insists that Nick Foligno looks like a Furby. Over-under on when the blog begins referring to him only as "Furbligno"? 48 hours. Get your action down now.

Two players, each with seven goals a piece. One is being paid 6-million dollars this year; the other will be getting $850,000. The difference goes towards heart, PK time, churchiness and tabloid titillation.

(Aside: Please don't give me a headache by turning this into something it's not. I know they're not the same player. I just find it hilarious that they have equal goal totals right now.)





Look at those odds. All that hard-fought tanking, and for what? Suck harder, damnit! (Yeah, yeah...I know. That line will be filming outdoors on a bare mattress in the San Fernando Valley this weekend. Come one, come all. OK, I'll just stop it here. Gimme a break -- it's Friday.)





The Toby Jug or the Cup of Demons? This picture was taken during the recent Florida-Toronto game. Now you know how Jacques has been weaseling his way into the playoff race: He's gone pure evil.

(Ed. Note: Thanks to Jason for the photo.)

Other miscellaneous crap...

- Interesting to watch the Senators play last night as if they actually gave a damn (emphasis on the first word of the sentence). And yes, I know Brian Elliott made some choice saves -- including in the shootout -- but mark my words: He is not the guy. He cowers too far in the back of the net, the positioning is questionable...and that's just for starters. For the record, you can put Sens goaltending coach Eli Wilson in the same category as Greg Carvel. Can someone explain why he's still here?

- Oh, check this out: Furbligno (hope you got your bets down in time) moved his feet on the PP, and good things happened. 15, you might want to take that down for future reference. Just saying.

- Finally, you can consider the following as your weekend Chewable...here, let me get the photo up so it feels official:



There we go.

Olympic champion Michael Phelps' recent public rendezvous with the bong has resulted in at least one sponsor cutting ties with him. Kellogg's announced yesterday that they were not renewing their contract with the swimmer.

Now I'm just hypothesizing here based on what I've heard, but isn't cereal one of the ultimate stoner foods? Sure, people might have a bad trip and put gravy on it instead of milk*, but along with Doritos and Cool Whip, I thought it was right up there. And just for the record, Kellogg's isn't trying to kill your buzz by only producing cereals like All-Bran and Corn Flakes. Did you know they're the ones behind Froot Loops? That cereal virtually screams, "burnout". They also make something called "Mini Swirlz". I don't know what those are, but they sound trippy. Do those go better with E? Do people still do E? I'll shut up now. Long story short: If I'm Phelps' PR man, I march into Kellogg's tomorrow to tell them that his client was attempting to identify with some of their loyal consumers.

Have a good weekend, cynics. More later.

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*I know what you're thinking. No, definitely not. But in high school, my best friend got kind of messed up one night and proceeded to jam a miniature statue of St. Jude up her nose (just the head) -- but that's only when she wasn't eating Miracle Whip straight out of the jar with her hands. Kids, don't do drugs.

So the obsession with grit and leadership continues unabated, eh? Alrighty then.

Just to be clear: We don't have a problem with Jason Smith. The free agent brings valuable characteristics to the Senators (see above), although the salary ($5.2 million over two years) is a bit on the high side (yes, in spite of everything that's going on -- come on now, he's a 34-year-old stay-at-home blueliner). But...

(You knew that was coming, didn't you?)



1) Where the bloody (expletive) is the puck-moving defenceman that the Senators desperately require? Things with Meszaros have yet to be settled, and do you really want to put all your eggs in that basket? Same goes for Brian Lee -- he's just a kid and can't be expected to shoulder that load. The lack of a definitive defensive system in Ottawa already puts Lee at high risk for stunted development. They need someone who's fully developed with the skills and mindset to pick up from Redden's massive regression, and move the team forward (both literally and figuratively) at the blueline.

Pea Soup wasn't able to seduce any of the noted offensive defencemen available to the nation's capital, and we're left to ponder the reasons why. Obviously in the case of UFAs, it's their call (see puck-moving redhead, Brian Campbell). Campbell could've viewed Chicago as being on the way up, meanwhile Ottawa appears to be moving in the opposite direction. Alternatively, we could also suspect that Murray's hesitancy to throw the cash at a lengthy contract left him out in the cold. News flash to the GM: Don't know if you've noticed, but guys looking to drop 3.5 or less for a few years on a defenceman are signing Jeff freaking Finger*. Just saying.

As for guys like Dan Boyle, I loved the media's perplexed speculation as to why he didn't choose the Sens when he waived his no-trade clause. "Who wouldn't want to play in their hometown of Ottawa?" Yeah, you should have asked that same question of then-Baltimore Oriole Erik Bedard whenever he was on a rehab stint, and the Ottawa Lynx served as the O's farm team -- the guy's face would turn greener than escarole. Not everyone is willing to deal with that type of pressure. Furthermore -- and this kills the fragile Canadian psyche, which is why I love to point it out -- not all NHLers want to play in this country. Big money, low-key environment...San Jose, anyone? The Sens couldn't afford to make the trade regardless, so it's a moot point.

2) While guys like Smith are being signed, secondary scoring still remains a huge issue. I heard one media member claim last week that "a top six position (is) Nick Foligno's to lose at camp this year." WHAA? We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Foligno is a top-six winger on a team where Mike Fisher is your No. 1 centre. And if that's the case, welcome to 10th place overall, Ottawa.

3) Is anyone else bothered by the idea that Ottawa perpetually has to turn to outsiders for leadership? Grit is one thing -- we know the majority of this core is on the softer side. But the leadership -- particularly when you consider the amount of time the core has been together -- for Christ's sakes...what's the real issue here?

In talking with others about the situation, a couple made mention that Smith may be the one to "set Spezza straight" -- in other words, provide the tough love required for No. 19 to eventually hit the next level as an elite NHLer. But just a quick note here: Jason Spezza is now 25 years old, and has been in the league for 5 seasons. Shouldn't he be capable of maturing without such a desperate push? If he can't, what does that say about him as a player? It's quite possible that Spezza could always remain "young-at-heart", but what was once perceived as impish rambunctiousness has now morphed into borderline frat-boy-at-a-community-college territory. It's time to grow up, Peter Pan. Whether or not Jason Smith helps to accomplish that remains to be seen.

*twiddling thumbs and looking at the floor*

So yeah -- other than that, we don't have a problem with the signing. We just wish some of the other issues would have been resolved first.

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*My favourite status update on Facebook right now: "(Name) has a finger for you, Cliff Fletcher, and it isn't Jeff."

...because the draft had an overabundance of moustache representation, and to my knowledge, we were nowhere near a gay bar.

By now you've probably heard about the enormous cluster(expletive) which occurred when the NHL hung our Internet access at this year's Entry Draft out to dry. We weren't hooked up again until late into Day 2 -- by that time, the Scott Norwood Section (representing for Kukla's Korner) felt as overhyped and ineffective as a Wade Redden-Andrej Meszaros pairing. Explanations, updates and apologies were very few and far between (it's worth noting that the online access was also down for Day 1 of last year's draft in Columbus). This inconvenience left a fair amount of time for fuming, gossiping and general observation of a bizarre nature. Although it pales in comparison to the scope of the event, one of The Other TSN's favourite moments occurred when a local writer (who's been under the gun lately) went running past while exclaiming, "This is so exciting!" All that was missing was a starched pinafore, balled fists and a Shirley Temple wig. Oh, and in case you were wondering: The real secret behind Detroit's front office success? Pistachios. Lots of them.

Speaking of Detroit, it was entertaining to see which teams were following their line of thinking at the draft. It's part of the new NHL -- "Success According To (current Cup champions)." Now to be fair, the Red Wings are the only team capable of laying any type of claim to the word "dynasty" right now. But for teams playing catch-up, the situation becomes more interesting...particularly when you're talking about the backpedaling that's involved.

Take, for example, James Duthie's interview with Senators GM Bryan Murray, post-No.1 pick. In the first round, Ottawa took Swedish defenceman Erik Karlsson, and traded up in the draft to do so. The blueliner is listed as being 5' 11" and 165 lbs (apparently the scouting reports left out the "soaking wet" part). Karlsson is labeled as a two-way defenceman with great mobility and passing skills, which allegedly makes up for his lack of size.

The Sens' first-round picks in last two years were Jim O'Brien ('07) and Nick Foligno ('06). Both are at least 6 feet, and Foligno, who was present during draft proceedings, has noticeably bulked up during the off-season. Duthie asked Murray point-blank about his sudden about-face. "You sat with me here last year, and said that big, strong players win championships." Pea Soup's response was unremarkable -- something to the effect of going after the best players available -- but you can't help but think Murray was suddenly willing to change his mindset, after witnessing what Detroit accomplished with mobile defencemen that didn't share DNA with a California Redwood.

All teams will try to mimic the moves of a Cup champion to some degree, but the Senators' feeble attempts seem far more blatant. It's like following fashion -- right now, Detroit's haute couture (bank says that's the first time that sentence has been written). Ottawa is like the chick in Des Moines with a scrunchie in her hair, flipping through a March '99 issue of Cosmopolitian. The Sens lack an identity of their own, but they're also behind on the trends and incapable of figuring out what works for them.

Oh, and about that Chris Kelly signing? Sure, it's nice to retain the speed and PK ability, but what's up with paying above the position? Now Ottawa is paying Mike Fisher as if he's a No. 2 centre, and Kelly as if he's a No. 3 -- yet neither puts up the offensive totals required (47 and 30 points respectively last season) to hold those roles on a permanent basis. But that doesn't mean we won't see both of them in said spots next year, right? Good times!

More later.

P.S. Something that definitely wasn't expected -- TUC received a lot of praise from various media (who will remain anonymous) for this controversial post. It was bizarre, but very nice to know that the effort was appreciated.

(Ed. Note: Right now, TUC's aiming to use all the song titles from SNFU's "If You Swear, You'll Catch No Fish", despite their occasional grammatical errors. Deal with it.)



(Pictured -- Foreground: Chris Phillips/Wade Redden. Background: Gary Roberts. The second guy -- meh, I'm too tired to decide who that is.)

That's right, ladies: If you're so damned scared of Gary Roberts, you might as well scream and get it over with. At least we'd all know you were capable of showing some emotion.

It pains me to come after Phillips because I respect him as a player, but could he have looked any more like a deer in the headlights on that fourth goal? The old man was right there -- take him out, damnit! Redden has completely checked out of the game, both mentally and physically. He practically cowered in Roberts' presence on the first goal, and the coughing up of pucks in the Sens zone were enough to make your stomach turn. As for 14 -- taking an interference penalty instead of sacrificing for the hit during an icing call? Do we need to say any more? (Actually, yes...we do. Keep the freaking puck in your zone during the power play, and learn how to land a shot on net.)

And how about that comedy of errors along the end boards during the second involving Lee, McAmmond, Roberts and Laraque in various combinations? You've got 55 feebly hammering on Laraque's back, and the whole time Chris Neil is standing around doing nothing in the high slot. I guess he was prepping to go down the ice so the team could end up with 19 missed shots through two periods as opposed to 18.

That brings me to Bitch Point No. 3: Garry Galley's claim that the Sens missed many shots because the Penguins were in their shooting lanes was semi-valid, but what about this: Maybe if the club wasn't so predictable on special teams, the opposition wouldn't be able to do so? Just a thought. Strangely enough, I didn't hear anyone mention anything about whiffed shots (I saw quite a few last night), and that's been a problem for some time.

I also noticed Galley trying to explain how tired Nick Foligno must've been during the third goal (hence the reason for him gliding around, bent in half). Just for a refresher, here's what I said about Foligno when I saw him at the summer developmental camp last year:

Nick Foligno: It's obvious the kid tries hard, particularly with his skating, but he still needs a lot of work. His backwards skating was laboured, but better than some of the forwards I saw (see Zubov). Granted, that still isn't saying much. Foligno has initial bursts of speed which are impressive (10-15 seconds), but has difficulty maintaining stamina. He does carry himself with a great deal of confidence. What he's able to accomplish in Binghamton (when the time comes) will matter a great deal -- it'll mean the difference between him turning into a second-line contributor, or a third-line filler. Right now, I see the latter.

You looking for a bright spot? Here it is:



Yes, he looked like hell in the first, but those goals can't be pinned on him. He stood tall in the second (huge flipper save when Volchenkov went down), and did as much as he could to keep them in it through the third period. He's not Patrick Roy -- no one expected to be. The man can only do so much...and he can't score goals. Once again, the club let him down. I want to see him lose it on someone, just for the hell of it. He'd probably feel a lot better. Swiss seacow rage!

Volchenkov's not the only one with a bloody headache tonight. Sigh. More later.

P.S. An unrelated note, but worth mentioning: Both San Jose and Minnesota played Metallica tonight (the Sharks went with "Seek And Destroy" as they typically do when they come on the ice, and the Wild played "Breadfan" during a break, which was beyond awesome.)

Well, Roy Mlakar may assume fans don't want to discuss the future, but if that were the case, would The Man be on the job? From Darren Dreger at TSN.ca:

Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk is expected to meet with Dany Heatley's agent, J.P. Barry on Thursday in Ottawa.

And based on preliminary discussions, the Senators are aware of Heatley's expectations.

It's believed that Heatley is seeking an average salary of $8.5 million and a multi-year term similar to what Daniel Briere, Chris Drury and Scott Gomez agreed to this summer.

The question is, will Eugene Melnyk pay it?

Former Senator Zdeno Chara was allowed to walk into free agency and was immediately snapped up by the Boston Bruins.

Ottawa refused to overspend to hold on to the giant defenceman, focusing instead on signing veteran blueliner Wade Redden. In light of the struggles that Chara and the Bruins were forced to deal with last season, one might wonder if on some days Chara wishes he had a mulligan!

Ottawa remains a powerhouse and Heatley is one of the Senators' most feared players on offence.

With back-to-back 50-goal seasons, his stock has never been higher. If that trend continues as an unrestricted free agent, Heatley will challenge, if not surpass, Sidney Crosby's average of $8.7 million.

Thursday's meeting between owner and agent could go a long way in determining Heatley's future in Ottawa.

I'll be shocked if they hammer something out in time, but if fans want Heatley to stay, this is the right course of action to take -- and allowing the media to get a sniff of pro-active behaviour will always garner brownie points.

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Another day, another application of the hammer from Alvin, although you may not have caught this one if you weren't paying attention. We'll be the first to admit that we had reservations about his promotion to head coach (and still do), but damned if he doesn't make things interesting. Today's quote was far more subtle. Here's Ray on his wrist:


"I'm just working hard at getting back right now. I obviously want to get some games in, but I've got to make sure that I'm not going to get hurt when I get in there," said Emery. "I'm close, but I'm not where I want to be as far as playing a game. It's kind of frustrating for me right now, but I'll get in there."

And here's Alvin's response:

"I think his wrist is fine, watching him a little bit in practice," said Paddock. "He's not taking shots like he did last year where he was always favouring it. I think it's just a matter of feeling comfortable with being back in the live competition.

"It's (about) where (he's) at and feeling comfortable. It's not injuring the hand, it's just about facing shooters and not wanting to embarrass himself. It's as much that as anything."

Paddock basically said it was all in Ray's noodle. Fabulous. I'm waiting for the day when he warns Ray openly that the Manatee is warming up to bitch-slap him with his flippers, because you know he's out for that No. 1 spot.

I honestly can't believe that all fans aren't as gung-ho about Paddock's call-outs as I am. (In case you missed Sunday's paper, it was the topic of this week's column.) I came across one blog that questioned Paddock's treatment of Nick Foligno due to rookie's age (Foligno is 19). Seriously? Foligno's cockiness was palpable in June at the rookie camp, despite his average-to-subpar outing. Then when training camp hit, a hefty portion of the media were ready to anoint him to the squad, similar to Alexei Kaigorodov last year. Ten to one says that rubbed Alvin the wrong way from the get-go. Is that Foligno's fault? No. But if word has it that he's the next big thing for the Sens (and he's content to act like it), he'd better bring it. Or else.



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That'll have to do for now. The Driver and I are heading out of town for a bit, so this place will be quiet until the weekend at the latest, although I don't want to stay silent for that long. I keep hoping that the pre-season will be over when we return -- idle wishes, I suppose. Be good, and I'll talk to you in a few days...yeah hey.

(Ed. Note: After 11+ years, we're still learning things about The Driver. Recently he told us he was in a high school cover band named "First Impressions". We howled for a good five minutes over the sheer lameness of that title. He swears he told us -- we would've remembered.)

Some initial thoughts from the first day of the Sens' developmental camp on Thursday (which included practice drills and a couple of brief 3-on-3 scrimmages):

Ilja Zubov: I've seen some posters on the HFBoards claiming to be pleased with him -- I wasn't. In fact, I saw shades of Kaigorodov. There's talent to be had; he handles the puck nicely (decent passer and better with the puck than without) and can make plays, but he's slow as all hell. The skating just isn't there. The other thing that bothered me was his work ethic. He cheated during drills -- one in particular I noticed was an exercise where players would skate backwards around the faceoff circle. Zubov would cut off the top of the circle. He's also prone to skating with his head down, and he was the only one I saw take a knee during drills.

Nick Foligno: It's obvious the kid tries hard, particularly with his skating, but he still needs a lot of work. His backwards skating was laboured, but better than some of the forwards I saw (see Zubov). Granted, that still isn't saying much. Foligno has initial bursts of speed which are impressive (10-15 seconds), but has difficulty maintaining stamina. He does carry himself with a great deal of confidence. What he's able to accomplish in Binghamton (when the time comes) will matter a great deal -- it'll mean the difference between him turning into a second-line contributor, or a third-line filler. Right now, I see the latter.

Louie Caporusso: Itty-bitty, but one of the better skaters I saw. Good speed, and smooth strides. Unfortunately, I didn't see him put one puck into the net during the two-hour practice. Hands of stone (at least on this day).

Ben Blood: His stride reminded me a bit of Phillips, but his skating definitely needs work. His size was obviously apparent during the practice (one of the bigger players) but he carries himself fairly well. That being said, the kid's got a nose for the net. Very nice hands, and a good wrist shot (I saw him put the puck top-right more than once with little effort). You'll note in the interview he practiced his shooting for three hours a day, but admitted his feet needed some work. If he's willing to put that kind of dedication into his skating, he could develop nicely. Oh, and take this for what it's worth -- he's a Sean Avery fan.

I'm going to try and head back for one of the 3-on-3s to gather more thoughts, but just an overall assessment: I didn't see anyone that blew me away, or anything resembling a raw balanced player -- they all need work in various areas. If you've attended, give me your thoughts via e-mail and I'll post them.

P.S. I don't know what was up with this, but the practice was broken up into halves, separated by a Zamboni re-icing. Most left after the first half hour or so, because I'm assuming they thought it was over (when I spoke to PR rep Brian Morris, he told me the practice would run until 3:30). There was only a handful of people who stayed for the whole thing, or were at least planning to. At around 3 pm, some dandy with a clipboard started walking around questioning people about why they're present, and if they knew anyone on the ice -- then they were told to leave, because it was a closed practice. Uh, that's not what the website says.