The Universal Cynic

Don't mess with a man who wears his hair in mini-pigtails.

Instead of hanging out in Toronto at C'est What with Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski and Dany Heatley Speedwagon (like I was supposed to), I was stuck in Ottawa last night watching this nonsense. I caught a couple of gems from Dean and Galley -- you know, before I got fed up and starting baking instead:

Dean (after Matt Carkner's 6-second fight with George Parros): "Matt Carkner is too valuable of a player defensively to be taking bad fights. I know he had to stand up for himself (against Parros) there, but..."

Galley (after Brian Elliott let in a brutal goal from just inside the red line): "That's not an easy save -- a puck that gets dumped down...it's gonna skip before it gets to you."

Alrighty then.

P.S.: The server at C'est What tending to Greg and DHS reportedly played with Carkner back in the day. I told them to ask him if the Ottawa defenceman ever spoke in full sentences. (Relax, it was a joke. Save me your bitchy Monday retorts.)

"For every gorgeous girl out there, there's some (dumbass narcissist with too much money and obviously not enough brains in his melon) who's tired of f*cking her."

-- Author Unknown

My friend JB first said this to me and I never forgot it -- but the additional bit in parentheses is mine.

Here's hoping that Elin sticks it out for the bare minimum, collects her cash and re-emerges as some effed-up death metal/burlesque star who only wants to be known as "Lady Lingonberry." Come on, you know that would kick serious ass.

* After sending a text to Bad Religion's Greg Hetson, warning him that Ottawa could put him to sleep at the Staples Center: "Thanks -- I'll bring a book." (Ed. Note: The game was actually better than expected.)

* Gord Miller: "Remember, Ottawa no longer has their swingman in Christoph Schubert."
Pierre: "Excellent point, Gord. Schubert was very valuable as their swingman."

The Driver: "Pfft...valuable at swinging the door open to the press box."

A bit muddled, but the point was made.

* Chris Phillips isn't going to win any awards for his acting skills. What a brutal dive by the veteran in the second half of the third.

* Pierre on Brian Elliott's frustration after the sixth goal: "Whenever you start hitting inanimate objects with your stick, that's a whole lot of ugly."

The Driver: "If that's the case, (Elliott) should've hit (Matt) Carkner."

For the record, The Driver has been on Wayne Simmonds's bandwagon for some time. I think a team with Fisher (with country/American-Idol-hybrid-music-offensive-firepower) and Simmonds would send him into a seizure. You know -- the good kind.

P.S.: So amusing to see the east coast crowd stand up and take notice that the Kings are a fun team to watch, and they're actually talented. Thanks for joining us in 2009, Mensas. Consider springing for Centre Ice sometime -- it's a lovely tonic to boost you out of the Eastern Conference coma.

In case you missed it last night...

Here's my favourite babyface coach (sorry Clouston) losing it on my beloved Denver Broncos after they failed to score two TDs in the first quarter. The icing on the cake: This segment was played as a taped bit. It wasn't live. (Warning: Audio isn't overly loud, but is still NSFW.)

There certainly are some interesting issues facing Ottawa Senators head coach Cory Clouston these days, but thanks to some lineup changes (yet again), it might be time to deal with the latest pink elephant in the room.

On the recent "embarrassment of riches" front, Clouston seemed pleased with the performance of his rotating bench-warmers. From Ken Warren of the Citizen:

While Ryan Shannon, Peter Regin and Jesse Winchester have taken turns sitting out through much of the season, all three were flying in Monday’s 4-3 overtime win over Washington. Together, they produced Regin’s first- period goal.

In the third period, Shannon and Regin served as wingers for Mike Fisher on a line that dominated. That trio played together at practice Tuesday before the team left for Newark.

“They played with a lot more intensity, they were stronger on the puck, and that’s one of the biggest things,” Clouston said of Shannon and Regin. “Neither one of them is a big, strong, physical guy, so if they don’t have an intensity around the puck, they get pushed off. For the most part, it looked like they wanted it more than the guys they were going against. They have to continue to do that.”

Then Warren punctuates it all by stating what we've all been thinking -- the following sentence is brought to you by Marcus Allen (CBS Sports):

Based on performance Monday, Jonathan Cheechoo, who continues to struggle, should have been the odd man out.

You can understand to a degree why Cheechoo has yet to ride the pine: 1) He was part of one of the biggest trades in recent team history and there's a immediate negative perception if you're blatantly admitting one of your pieces isn't working out; 2) He's a former 56-goal scorer and 3) He carries a cap hit of 3 million USD.

Too bad there's a legitimate argument for all three of these reasons.

While Cheechoo may sport the red, white and gold these days, he was a less-than-desired player within the trade. His name was consistently brought up during the rumour-mongering, and Murray always seemed to refuse. It was only after the dangling of Milan Michalek that Ottawa acquiesced. Furthermore, Murray immediately talked down expectations of No. 41 in the capital, most notably during preseason radio interviews where he viewed Jonathan's monster season of yore as an aberration, and not the norm (based on his history of injuries alone, you can understand why he took that tone).

The third reason is always the hardest for people to justify -- the paycheque.

It's always easier to watch a player making less than a million take a seat in the press box. They're usually the faces in the crowd -- no-name pieces to the rest of the league's observers, and perhaps even on a two-way contract. However, in Cheechoo's case, his benching would cause the media to sit up and take notice -- regardless of the fact that he's been relegated to fourth-line duties on a regular basis. The news outlets would report it, and it "doesn't look good."

News flash: Neither does Cheechoo's play, and people have noticed.

Memo to the Senators -- take the media heat for 5 minutes and try something new. Bench Jonathan Cheechoo for a game. You've given him time to show you what he can (or rather, can't) do. It's time to take a stand and sit him. After all, you've tried everything else. What harm could it do?

More later.

Place this one under the header of "Adventures in Creative Contest Marketing."

I found this on the website for Wild Wing" -- a chain of Canadian restaurants specializing in the flapping part of the chicken that serves as a general accompaniment to beer. Anyway, as I clicked onto the page, the header left me rather perplexed. A contest for a No. 87 jersey -- baby blue in colour, dangerously similar to the Pittsburgh throwbacks? Penguins championship slogans on the bottom? A bad Photoshop attempt at someone who's supposed to look like Sidney? (Ed. Note: You'll notice they forgot the lipstick.) Yet, there's no mention of Crosby, the NHL, or the Penguins proper anywhere in the advertisement. Funny that.

The rules and regulations state that the prize is a "Sidney Crosby signed heritage jersey ... This deluxe framed piece features a Sidney Crosby signed heritage jersey combined with a custom Wild Wing plaque."

Oooh, classy.

Apparently someone is trying to get out paying for the use of Crosby's image and NHL signage. Too bad the results are more than suspect (not to mention laughable).

The rewind version...

Poor, old (well, he's 34), slow Shean Donovan. It's apparently hard to give him love, which I discovered after the Penguins' Matt Cooke took out No. 10's knee for an extended period of time. Yes, the Senators eventually ended up winning that game quite handily against Pittsburgh. The thing was, the Pens ran out a D that was about as effective as a bunch of ex-ECHLers on a peach schnapps bender (yeah, you know it happens). I'm usually shy on sports betting when it comes to the NHL, but even I was tempted to get down on the home team that night.

So when I felt that the loss of Donovan was more relevant than an uneven matchup vs. Pittsburgh, I was rather surprised by the reaction of Senators fans. How dare I defend Shean Donovan, a player who, when he's in the lineup, saw the Sens go 8-3-1 during his 12 games played this season. "But he's been a healthy scratch," they insisted. Oh well, God freaking forbid we question a first-year coach on his decision-making skills. Here are your alternatives in that doomed-to-the-press-box troika: Jesse Winchester and Ryan Shannon. I'm not saying any NHL expert picks Donovan as MVP of the team, but he has played a far more responsible game than the others (Shannon in particular), and could have been viewed as an underrated piece for the club, especially considering his price tag.

Of course, when I pointed this out to the Donovan naysayers, no one could make a case for the other two as viable replacements for the old bugger. Chew on that.

You never know what's going to happen on late-night Centre Ice. I caught this as it actually occurred at the end of the Tampa Bay-Anaheim game last night, so I can tell you that the YouTube footage doesn't do it justice -- there were serious punches being thrown. For the record, Scott Niedermayer was trying to give the stick to a female fan (yes I know, insert punchline here).

I realize he may not think it's his place, but Niedermayer went right to the post-game ice interview afterward, and in my opinion, should have said something while in front of the mic. Even a feeble request to squelch the behaviour because it's not cool/safe would have been a smart (and noticeable) move.

Footage of the skirmish is available here.

(Rack bump to @Kingscast over at Twitter for unearthing the footage.)

The Kings' Rob Scuderi must've decided it was Nadia Comaneci Night at Staples Center. First to experience the Pretzel Test: Jason Chimera of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Here are some stills from Scuderi's low hit (Warning: somewhat cringe-worthy). FYI: No penalty was assessed on the hit, and Chimera received a 10-minute misconduct (and a fair amount of stitches due to extreme ice exfoliation).

A great read regarding Deadspin's constant need to attack ESPN -- Moderately Cerebral Bias

The lovely Meaghan of the OBC offers her thoughts on Matt Carkner -- Sens At Land's End

The always fantastic Michael Rand of the Minneapolis Star Tribune talks to Vikings punter Chris Kluwe about his rawk band, Tripping Icarus (bonus points for the First Avenue references) -- RandBall

Former Sens President Roy Mlakar is heading for Tahoe. I'm jealous -- Steve Warne

Remembering Ottawa Senators goaltender of yore, Damian Rhodes (no, really) -- The Strangest One Of All

A Leafs fan attempts to list the 50 greatest Blackhawks of all time. No Ted Bulley? Sacrilege. That's what happens when you let a Toronto honk do it -- HF Boards

If you're a Senators fan (or a fan of any team, for that matter), who has such a problem with my opinion that you feel the need to call me a c*nt, you seriously need to check yourself. First off, it's Matt Carkner we're talking about. Secondly, let's keep in perspective, shall we? This pertains to hockey -- not world peace, nuclear disarmament or genocide. Thirdly, this is a blog that contains humour, cynicism, extreme sarcasm and my own opinion. It's really that important to you to behave in such a disgusting and disrespectful manner? I'm sure the Ottawa Senators are beaming with pride to have such troglodytes supporting them. I should also point out the irony of this coming from an Ottawa fan -- Sabres, Leafs, Hurricanes and Penguins fans have always been full of vitriol towards me, but they've never felt the need to descend to that level.

I've since erased the comment, and I'm already disappointed that I had to reference it, because such people don't deserve my time. However, I am bringing it up just to demonstrate how utterly ignorant and stupid some people can be over what they see in a sports blog, column or report. If you feel the need to act like that, you might want to look at yourself and ask what kind of life you're leading (something tells me it doesn't include a female with any type of self-worth).

When it comes to TUC, I don't expect everyone to agree with me. However, I do expect respectful behaviour. If you can't acquiesce to such small requests, well, stay off my fucking blog. Much obliged.

Yeah hey,

TUC

"I'm a Sens fan, dammit! I'm inexperienced at viewing the middle ground of an opinion I don't understand, and am upset easily! Erin obviously hates Matt Carkner because she thinks he was destined for a career in the AHL! When you question a player's talent, that means you hate them! Well, that was before Bryan Murray paid him 1.4 million over 2 years! Hahaha! Stupid effing bitch, he showed you, didn't he? Bryan Murray has never made a bad signing in his career! He is a genius! Bryan Murray knows how to handle a ton of one-way contract defencemen that wouldn't be considered NHL-worthy on quality teams! He rewards his homeboys! Go Winchester (and Jesse Winchester, 'cause he destroys, too)! There was a rush, you know -- Carkner's family was living in a freaking hotel! These things can't wait! Room service gets really boring and flavourless! Matt's wife hates clean white towels! Bryan Murray knows that other teams were busting down the door to get at Matty, so he had to sign him after seven games...oh yeah, plus the pre-season! It's about the grit! Grit, grit, grit! As long as we have grit, that means the defence is COMPLETE! It's about time the back end got locked up, because the offensive portion has been nails for years and we never have to worry about it! Karlsson is the master of the first-line pass and Kuba is good for 50-60 points! No, really! I am beyond content with the offensive lineup at the blueline! Doesn't it kick ass? That's why we sent Brian Lee back to Bingo! It's an embarrassment of riches! It's really too bad that Matt is not eligible for the Calder Trophy due to his age! He had that thing WRAPPED UP! Hey John Tavares, stop snickering, you effing a-hole! Matt Carkner for Mayor! Matt Carkner for substitute Jesus!"

And...scene.


P.S.: If you thought I was going to leave the comments open to observe the attempts to understand extreme sarcasm, you're high. I've said my piece -- the subject is closed. Goodnight now.

...because TUC Live is hitting Toronto and NYC this week -- consider yourselves warned.



Wow, I never saw this coming -- apparently some bloggers/Twitterers are getting up-in-arms because I refuse to acknowledge the Senators' early season "successes." Naturally, these fans in rose-coloured glasses are only looking at the record on paper (currently a respectable 5-2-0, which has them sitting atop the Northwestern conference as of tonight). However, the duo of losses are more noticeable than the wins, as they took place against quality teams -- the Rangers and Penguins, specifically.

As for goals, yes, the Senators did score seven times versus Tampa Bay. But that offensive outburst is tempered somewhat when you realize that the Senators are 18-3 against the Lightning in their last 21 matchups, and have outscored the Bolts 91-38 during that period. (Ed. Note: Getting information from traditional outlets seems more legitimate when they were the ones who willingly admitted that they got it from someone else. Much obliged, Sun Media.)

It seems that many fans haven't hopped aboard this false wave of positive sentiment -- after all, the attendance numbers speak for themselves. Over the first four home games, the Senators are averaging 18,045 fans per game (a sellout of seating capacity is 19,153 with a total attendance availability of 20,500, according to the Scotiabank Place website.) By that logic, the Sens had a seat sellout against Atlanta -- a Saturday on a holiday weekend -- but had their lowest attendance thus far against the reigning Stanley Cup champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins (17,014 bothered to show up for that game).

So what have we established in this short period, given this information? Firstly, the Senators have yet to prove that they have taken the next step forward, following their turnaround late last season. They need to strong teams to task when given the opportunity, and they have to do more than win in spite of themselves (and their opponents) when battling the weaker ones (a classic example of that occurred this weekend in Montreal). Secondly, we can confirm that the Senators' gameplay still resembles octogenerian lovemaking (pre-Viagra Era): Slow, boring, predictable...with a fair amount of disgust thrown in. If you want excitement in the NHL, this is not the team to watch. And that's unfortunate, because if the Ottawa Senators want to get back on the horse, both from a competitive and fanbase standpoint, this isn't the way to do it. It might not be an outright failure yet, but it's a definite flounder.

***

Speaking of floundering, how many of you enjoyed Guy Carbonneau's stellar outing as part of the three-man booth in Montreal on Saturday? One of Carb's initial statements was so garbled, I swore he was having a stroke. And yes, I understand that Guy is viewed as one of "the good guys" and that I'm supposed to go easy on new media meat. Here's my response to that: Bugger off. Non-NHLers beginning on this path are subjected to intense scrutiny, and people inside the game should be held to the same standard. Carbonneau's timid delivery and complete lack of insight (i.e. "The Senators need to stop turning over the puck") left me utterly cold. That being said, if Guy had been chatty, I would have been equally turned off, but for a different reason. No sport requires the input of three individuals during a game. It all just melts into white noise after a point. Don't do it again, CBC.

More later.

Hey Ottawa: Want to know what your No. 1 prospect from 2009 is up to? Enjoy.

ESPN The Magazine's "Body Issue" doesn't hit newsstands until Friday, but some of the photos surfaced on the Internet today -- hence the picture of Zdeno Chara you see above.

I went back to Twitter to view some of the reaction, and you'd think a bunch of 7-year-olds had invaded the site. Is there a prescription out there that relieves the symptoms of nausea, vomiting and blindness? These claims were being made all afternoon by those -- largely of the male persuasion -- who had viewed the photo.

I know these outbursts are typical of many men when they have been exposed to material like this. The underlying lament is always, "I'm all man, dammit!" No one says you have to like it, but an adult with a mature mindset isn't going to question your sexuality if you discuss it objectively.

Granted, I understand that the picture also hasn't been overly popular with women (of course, their take in this situation is based on pulchritude). Unfortunately, I guess that's to be expected.

These pictures are meant to elicit a reaction, and the initial take is always going to be visceral whenever nudity is involved. However, can we please stifle the juvenile opinions, and just deal with it? I know I'm asking a lot, but come on -- it's not that bad, and it's hardly offensive.

More later.

Apparently some Sens fans became irked with me during Saturday night's opening game vs. Rangers, because I refused to get my non-existent pompoms up for the fourth line. This line, consisting of Jarkko Ruutu, Chris Kelly and Chris Neil, takes a bite out of the Ottawa cap to the tune of $5.425 million. Mmm...tasty.

But the money, while revelant, merely points to a simple fact: These guys have been paid said amount, because the club expected more out of them -- say as third-liners, for starters. When they perpetually disappoint at that level, it takes a demotion to the last step before their asses get kicked out the door, for them to be seen as quality? Are you (expletive) kidding me? And yes, I know some have bounced in between the third and fourth last season. That point is highly tempered by the fact that we were just talking about the possibility of a trade regarding some of these line members. Combine that with the revelation of being forced to start the season on the last line -- that says a lot.

Of course, everyone seemed to fall off the bandwagon during the last minute of the second period, when the line's brutal positioning gave Michael Del Zotto some prime real estate in Pascal Leclaire's backyard.

The lines have since been shaken up somewhat as Ryan Shannon nurses some bruises, but I fully expect to see this troika scraping the bottom of the barrel as the season continues. News flash: It's nothing to celebrate, and that includes the rare moments of effectiveness.

On another note, allow me to make one thing clear: The days of me rooting for this team are all but over. I don't bemoan their losses, and I don't applaud their wins. I observe them, but I won't actively cheer for them. In the future, if anyone wishes to have a civilized conversation with me about the Ottawa Senators, they had better remove their rose-coloured glasses first. Don't get uppity with me because you can't handle a less-than-stellar review of your team. That's your problem, not mine. And if you can't stomach an objective option, I highly suggest that you head on out of here, and begin reading one of the many fan-based blogs, because this isn't one of them.

End scene. More later.

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

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* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

_________________

* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.

...because I miss solid food.













* Hey, Peter Regin -- welcome to your latest shot with the Ottawa Senators! Everyone seems to believe that we have significant scoring depth, and we're happy to keep up that facade for as long as possible! Only problem is, we still don't have a real No. 2 centre, even though we pay Mike Fisher to serve as one! So if you'll do us a favour and slip into that role, we'd really appreciate it! Oh, one more thing -- we're going to put No. 12 on your wing in the hopes that it will light a fire under his ass from an offensive perspective! We hope you don't mind carrying that albatross around with you! But hey, you helped him get a hat trick in the pre-season! Let's just hope he didn't blow his load for the year! Wow, that was gauche of me to say! Sorry about that! Enjoy your stay in the capital, and take care of that pretty face of yours!
_________

* So, Ilya Zubov doesn't want to go to Bingo, eh? Wow. I'm. So. Shocked. What did I tell you about this kid? Shades of freaking Kaigorodov, that's what. And just like the White Knight, many Sens fans had Zubov penciled in on the big team for several years, and it never came to pass. Why? It's because the kid's got no drive, and his conditioning is (expletive). It really is unfortunate, because there is some talent there. However, if he's just going to ask like a lazy (and whiny) arse, he can bugger off. It should be amusing to watch the Brothers Murray attempt to get something for him.

__________

* Oh yeah, and the others: The German Ginge? Called it (hardly difficult). Babyface Lee? Expected it. Accept it, Ottawa: He is not going to be your top offensive defenceman. (Sincerely, Marcus Allen -- CBS Sports.) Now I get to sit around and watch them torch Karlsson, I suppose? Ack. That being said, I really have been loving the dynamic between Erik and Alfie. It's like Crosby and Lemieux with less a-hole vibe, and more lingonberries.

More later.

Here's Puck Daddy's preview of the 2009-10 Ottawa Senators, featuring OBC representation from yours truly and the Artist Formally Known As Dany Heatley Speedwagon (I think his eventual symbol will look like an ampersand that's been assaulted by umlauts).

Or a Pyatt? Or some clabbered milk? Go ahead and place your orders now: I'm heading home to the birthplace of Staalapalooza (and TUC) -- Thunder Bay. It's a last-minute trip, and I won't be there long. You can expect a fairly quiet week around here, but there are still a few things to look forward to:

Puck Daddy's preview of the 2009-10 Ottawa Senators should be up within the next 24 hours or so (I'm guessing). I was asked to participate, so watch for my thoughts over there. I'll attempt to put the link up here as soon as I can access it. If it doesn't appear, it's best to assume that Greg and I are feuding -- it's likely due to his ability to always score the quality risers at the draft. For the record, I could totally kick his ass. Don't tell him I said that, though.

On Wednesday, I'm scheduled to appear on the Faceoff Hockey Show at 7:45 ET. I expect the appearance to be largely focused on the Senators, but who knows what will happen? If they ask me to do my Norwegian death metal-style call of Dustin Byfuglien's name, I might oblige. (Yeah, I know. Really ladylike.)

There are additional things to come -- I'll post it on here when the schedule's sorted out.

More later.

P.S.: You have to be from the Lakehead and of a certain vintage to understand the photo. Just roll with it.