The Universal Cynic

From his SportsNation chat this aft:

Erin (Ottawa, Canada): Why was Storm Large wearing Phil Jackson's suit when she sang the national anthem on the Contender last night? Apologies from Canada for going 2-for-2 on Rockstar. None of us liked Lukas, but we all probably dug Jason Newsted's double denim and fingerless gloves.

Bill Simmons: (2:59 PM ET ) I'll say this: Storm Large was MUCH cuter in person than I thought she would be. By the way, Lucas is probably 5-foot-4. No joke. And he's very pleased with himself. Also, Toby is much taller than I thought (maybe 6-foot-3) and has that happy/possibly drunk Austrialian vibe to him... seemed like a good guy. He'll be in rehab soon.

Of course, it wasn't much of a question -- but I thought referencing fingerless gloves would get me in. On second thought, I should have asked about his face, as it appeared to be melting off during his interview on The Colbert Report two weeks ago.

(As featured on Deadspin ...byark!)

Once again, the lowdown: Each week, we will accessorize our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of week he had. A bad game? Expect more a feminine look. A good game? Jake will be all man. We'll continue this until a) Plummer is replaced by rookie Jay Cutler or b) someone of significance tells us to stop.


Week 3 Plummer stats: 15 for 30, 256 yards, 2 TDs.

Analysis:



Jake vaults back into our good books by showing up Mr. Bridget Moynahan, and feeding WR Javon Walker for two touchdowns. So how does our hero wind down after a long day at Foxboro? A night spent with a copy of Penthouse Variations (circa January 2003), and a rather vile-looking frozen pork tenderloin ought to do the trick.

Next week: Bye.

For Week 1, click here. For Week 2, click here.

From TSN:

Sens' Redden leaves game with tight groin

Groin problems are becoming a bad habit for the Ottawa Senators in the pre-season, with the latest victim being the team's No. 1 defenceman.

So, in case you're keeping score, that's three: Alfredsson, Schaefer and Redden...all with groin problems.

Hopefully they'll all stand behind the bench and yell while sporting a towel around their necks, during various stages of their recovery.

From TSN:

Smolinski scores in OT as Hawks edge Panthers

CHICAGO (AP) - Bryan Smolinski scored his second goal 46 seconds into overtime to give the Chicago Blackhawks a 3-2 pre-season victory over the Florida Panthers on Thursday night.

For an explanation on why we refer to Bryan Smolinski as "Binkie", click here. This will also explain why we're hyping a Chicago preseason game versus the "formidable" Panthers.

Edit: That Deadspin link is being finicky, so here's the cut and paste version if you can't see it.

Who's Your Favorite Sportswriter's Binkie?

Inspired by a comment in this morning's story about Jason Whitlock and his rips on Michael Irvin, a commenter named Mr. Poon -- who runs this site -- pointed out something curious about Whitlock. Namely, that Whitlock, in pinch, will fall back on his blind spot; his odd belief that Jeff George (a high school classmate of Whitlock's) was/is, in fact, a great quarterback. George is, essentially, Whitlock's "binkie;" his safety blanket, an athlete that he "champions and claim sis better than anyone else is willing to admit."

We think this is an outstanding notion, this "binkie." It does seem that all sportswriters seem to have one, their person that they won't stop celebrating as great, facts, their eyes and the opinion of everyone else on the planet be damned. For Whitlock, it's George. For the late Ralph Wiley, it was Eric Davis. For Peter King, it's (obviously) Brett Favre. Jayson Stark has a thing for Curt Schilling (and, somehow, Doug Glanville). Rob Neyer kisses the ground Billy Beane urinates on. Bill Simmons, typically, has a non-athletic celebrity as his binkie: Jimmy Kimmel.

We love this game. Who's your favorite sportswriter binkie? The comments are open, folks. We're curious to see what you've got.

When it comes to Senators hockey, 99% of the time, we'd rather spend any game night with Bad Religion instead. We did just that on Wednesday, blowing off the Sens' preseason home opener vs. the Leafs, and instead heading down to the Civic Centre for a very decent show. (Apparently the boys gave the 67's a surprise when they turned up in their dressing room unexpectedly.)

I've privately been taken to task about my comments regarding some of the newest Sens, so I thought last night would be a good time to confirm my findings regarding Joe Corvo with L.A. Kings freak and Bad Religion guitarist, Greg Hetson.

Guess what? Greg said that "(Corvo) has always been like that. He's always been frantic." Oh, so it wasn't just the nerves of training camp? Fantastic.

As for Kings forward Sean Avery, Greg claims the instigator always knew that he was going to be re-signed with L.A. Avery went so far as to allegedly state, "How could they not re-sign me? If I'm not there, who's going to come out to see the (Kings)?"

Like I said, typical Avery. Sure sounds like him.

Chris "Notice me, give me attention because I'm not getting enough in my niche market" Pronger has decided to vent about the rumours surrounding his departure from the Oilers this summer -- mostly involving alleged infidelities.

Forgive me, but has this issue recently resurfaced? Has there been any discussion involving potential marital indiscretion? So why is Pronger continuing to talk about it?

Here's a choice quote from the Edmonton Journal:

"I've heard all the nasty stuff, about all my girlfriends...that I've got more kids than I started with. I must have six kids out there."



Well, where are the other five, Chrissy?

The premise: We're accessorizing our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of week he had. For Week 1, click here.

Plummer stats: 16 for 30, 173 yards. QB rating of 56.7, rushing yards -2, and 1 interception. Denver barely pulls off the victory, beating Kansas City in OT, 9-6.

Analysis:



After throwing for zero touchdowns, Jake enjoys a Cosmopolitan and some European flavour while hanging with Swedish-born NHLer, Daniel Alfredsson. We hate to get our Alfie involved in this, but Plummer needed some male company, and we weren't about to defile our John Elway figurine (yet). Note that Jake takes his Cosmo with lemon, as opposed to the traditional lime. Gauche bastard.

Next week: At New England.

P.S. It should also be noted that "Burnt Sienna" Shanahan is telling all the Jay Cutler supporters to bugger off.

We're starting a new feature at TUC -- it'll be a way to incorporate our love for the Denver Broncos into a non-boring format for all the hockey-obsessed readers.

Here's the scoop: Each week, we will accessorize our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of game he had. A bad game? Expect more a feminine look. A good game? Jake will be all man. We'll continue this until a) Plummer is replaced by rookie Jay Cutler or b) someone of significance tells us to stop.

We're a week behind, but we haven't forgotten. Here's Week 1, vs. St. Louis:

Plummer stats: 13 for 26, QB rating of 26.3. 3 interceptions, 4 sacks and 2 fumbles. Broncos lose to the Rams, 18-10.

Analysis:



Pearls for girls, baby (spare us the obvious bukkake references). Next week: Denver at home to Kansas City.

Welcome back. (More about this sign, and other Northwestern Ontario goodness later.)

If you were at the Senators Fan Fest yesterday (and I was -- I rushed back from Thunder Bay to be here in time for it), you'd probably understand the title of the post. Now it seems clear why they were handing out those ridiculous paper helmets circa the Gretzky Era. Not only did they make everyone look like they belonged on a short bus, but I'm convinced that they lowered everyone's respective IQ as well. I was not impressed with what I saw yesterday, and my concern mostly involved the players who will make up the final squad. Here are a couple of quick notes:

Martin Gerber: You'll notice that Gerber's poor performance was mentioned in today's Sun, but it doesn't explain what the issue was. From my vantage point, I saw an uninspired performance, lacking the effort and crispness of an efficient No. 1 goalie. The rebuttal to all of these complaints will be, "it's a practice". It doesn't matter. You have to be expected to perform, regardless of the situation, and especially if you're pulling down down $3.7 million a year. That certainly wasn't the goaltender who gave Team Canada fits at the Turin Olympics. If this continues, expect some sort of "Swiss Miss" moniker to arise -- likely from me.


Alexei Kaigorodov: I tried to keep an open mind regarding the White Knight -- but it was difficult, given that I've been reading the HFBoard's insistence that the 23-year-old was some sort of Russian deity for nearly a year. And after yesterday, I can tell you that every concern I've read about him is true: The haphephobia, the sketchy faceoffs etc. He also wanted nothing to do with the boards, seemingly creating a barrier between himself and any edge -- it was like bumper bowling on ice. But probably the biggest irritation involved his insistence to casually reach with his stick, as opposed to skating for the puck. These Gumby-like attempts were completely ineffective, but I do understand why he doesn't make the effort to move his legs: The White Knight has all the pickup of a three-cylinder Geo Metro.

Joe Corvo: I now understand why Joe Corvo is labeled as an offensive defenseman -- he's got the same disease as every Dominican ball player in the MLB: He'll take a swipe at anything that comes his way. Patience is definitely not Corvo's forte, and it shows -- whenever the puck arrives in his direction, he panics and immediately fires in the direction of the net, refusing to pass to his open linemate. Granted, some are bound to go in, but the idea of putting this high-strung player on the same line as Wade Redden doesn't seem like the best idea (Corvo and Redden played together for the majority of the scrimmage). The former King is entirely too reckless and needs a stay-at-home defenseman like Chris Phillips to bail him out if he gets into trouble in his own zone (and he does -- regularly). At one point, Corvo blindly followed Redden down the right side, deep into the offensive zone. Both were hugging the boards, and the rest of the ice was wide open. Do you want to see that happen in the playoffs? Yeah, that's what I thought. If Redden and Corvo stay together, expect Redden's offensive numbers to drop off.

Not only was I unimpressed with what I saw from these three, I was bored for the majority of the scrimmage. This team seemingly lacks any kind of identity, and although the goal is still the same (win the Stanley Cup), the path to it doesn't appear as clear. Chris Stevenson attempted to put a positive spin on this revelation in a Friday piece, but after reading it, I was left feeling perplexed. Here's a quote:

"With the personnel changes made this summer -- the departure of Zdeno Chara, Martin Havlat, Dominik Hasek, Vaclav Varada, Bryan Smolinski, etc. -- this Senators team won't be as skilled as some in the past.

But you know what? That's not necessarily a bad thing. Really, what's all that skill got them so far?"

I will agree that there's less skill, but has that skill been replaced with another positive attribute -- like heart, for example? Of course not. Less skill, and the same lack of intensity. How is this supposed to sell tickets?

The ironic thing is, it did -- and then some. 13,000 single-game tickets for the first half of the season were sold on Saturday.

It really explains the power of those paper helmets, doesn't it?

...as soon as we return from the hellish drive up to the Land of Staalapalooza. We'll have lots of good stuff for you next week, including training camp buzz, fallout from the landing of the mightily hyped Alexei Kaigorodov, wild speculation on why the Team 1200's Glen "The Kulkster" Kulka stares at me at the gym, and several new features that'll make you do the Boo Boo avatar dance.

Stay tuned, silly bitches. We'll see you back here early next week. Until then, eat it with a spork.

Yeah hey,

TUC

I know I've been scarce as it is, but this is just a note to say that TUC is on hiatus while I attend to some personal business. Hopefully I will be able to return, sooner rather than later.

Talk soon and yeah hey,

E

You're wondering what happened to the 100th column, right?

Well, when news came out that the father of Pretty Boy Jesse Palmer was willing to pay Horn Chen $100,000 for the rights to the Rough Riders' name and logo, I pretty much snapped. Bill Palmer, if you'll remember, is part of the U.S. investment group that's looking to bring back football to Ottawa. And being the glutton for punishment that Palmer is, he thinks that traditional sentiment and pop culture mockery are more important than wiping the slate clean.

The Citizen reported that Chen will be selling the "R" logo, along with the name. But I don't see how he couldn't throw in the Lanny McDonald emblem as a freebie. I mean, if you're going to bugger things up right from the get-go, you might as well make it somewhat amusing.

All right, I promised you a list to coincide with my 100th column. A bit of history, a ton of non-sequiturs and other little tidbits I have picked up in these past two years.

Firstly, a bit of background for those of you who don't know how I got here...


When I was 19 or 20 (so long ago now that I can't remember), The Driver and I were out, and he had turned on what was then known as OSR 1200 (currently The Team). Someone was being interviewed, and it was a person I was familiar with. His name was Greg Hetson -- a guitarist for Bad Religion. As the interview concluded, Fugazi began to play, and then the program went to commercial.

I was pleased as all hell, because I thought I had discovered a punk radio program. But it wasn't. It was Jim Rome. That's how I found him. From there began several years of me calling his program and dabbling in some other forms of media, including radio and television (both of which weren't for me).

In early 2004, the Sun had taken on a female "writer" whom I took issue with, because it was obvious that she was employed due to her pulchritude, which was highly ironic given the medium she chose. I had no issue with her using her assets, but this wasn't the place for it. I wrote the editor and expressed my displeasure. He remembered me from the radio. Long story short, he gave me a job, and I've spent the last two years trying to piss people off every Sunday.

(Aside: Greg Hetson and I have since met several times -- he's always good for some choice L.A. Kings dirt whenever we cross paths.)

Which brings me to my first point:

- I knew before I entered this business that some of the bands I loved were close friends with NHL players. These bands are a plethora of interesting info, and love to talk. Some of my best sources for elite players in the league are in punk rock bands.

- It seems silly, but the thing I like most about this business is coming up with ideas in the most inane, private moments of my everyday life. I could be having a shower at 2 am and think to myself, "The Leafs should trade Mats Sundin." Then I sit in my office, write it all out (100% of the time in pajamas), and a couple of days later, I'm getting emails from all over the globe about it. It's very cool to me.

- The things I like the least: Off-topic readers (a piece about Antoine Vermette suddenly turns into a pro-Leafs rant in my inbox), plagiarism and the press box.

- About the press box (a.k.a. Butterknife Row): Yes, it's a free seat. It's also high school revisited. But they do have hot chocolate...with marshmallows. I'll always make one before an overtime starts.

- The Driver does the best freaking Patricia Boal imitation ever. I'd rate it 5 Boo Boo avatars.

- My two favourite entry draft moments from last year: 1) Coming out of the washroom and nearly running Gary Bettman over. I wasn't wearing heels, and I towered over him. 2) Having a good chat with Marc Staal at a media meet-and-greet, only to be interrupted by one of the most respected insiders at TSN. Anyone else would've been thrilled to talk to this person. Staal looked completely crestfallen.

- I yell over top of TSN's The Reporters like Bill O'Reilly. Every facet of that show makes me want to peel off my skin and throw it against a wall.

- I don't really tend to read too many blogs, even now. When your content and word count is unrestricted, it becomes a bit much for me. A lot of them are WAY too detailed for my tastes. Usually I'll just check them out when I'm looking for quick hits.

- I also don't read a great deal of other opinion work. I like to check out what others are saying, but there's only a handful of media that can truly captivate me on a regular basis -- all of whom are American.

- No matter what anyone says, I will continue to support the Lynx for as long as they are here. Ray Pecor is a quality owner with the patience of a saint.

- Sometimes I regret what I said about Sidney Crosby; sometimes I don't. I'd just like for him to mature, which would allow my opinion to change.

- The most neglected feeder league into the NHL from a Canadian media standpoint right now is in my opinion, the NCAA. As more and more American players are drafted from U.S. colleges, it seems extremely obvious to me that the coverage should increase, beyond the weekly blurbs and monthly interviews. This is a bandwagon that I want to get on, ASAP.

- Harsh or not, it's my belief that listening to the majority of Ottawa sports radio could qualify as a murder defense.

- We all come down so hard on hockey players for giving inane interviews. Marcus Allen-esque news flash: If you actually put some time and effort into creating interesting questions, even the most stoic NHLers will open up. Any beat writer/journalist/media hack that opens up their questioning with, "Talk about..." should have their credentials revoked. This must be taught in J-School somewhere, because I sure as hell would never consider doing it.

There's more, but it's hypocritical for me to complain about word counts, only to go off on a Larry King-type tangent. More later? We'll see.

From the AHL website:

"The Milwaukee Admirals unveiled their new logo, home and road jerseys, and a new color scheme featuring black, silver, and ice blue today at a party at the Potawatomi Bingo Casino Stage on the Summerfest Grounds.

“We are extremely excited to reveal our new look,” said Admirals owner and CEO Harris Turer. “This is a new era for the Milwaukee Admirals and we want to start it off in a tremendous way on the 1st. We are thrilled to share this big night with all of our fans and sponsors.”

The logo, which was designed by Joe Locker of YES MEN, a Milwaukee ad agency, features an Admiral of a ghost ship with the tag line, “Never Say Die.” The logo and slogan come with quite an interesting story that traces the origin of the new logo, which, as it turns out isn’t new at all.

The Admirals (sic) new logo is actually an aged version of the team’s logo from the late 1970’s, a short young lad who was lost in the waters of Lake Michigan back after the 1981 season and was recently found. The only thing that managed to keep him alive all these years was his fighting spirit. In fact, after one of his legs fell off, he used it as a hockey stick to hone his skills.

After over 25 years of being underwater, the red white and blue uniform had faded to the black, silver, and ice blue, and had turned his fresh young face into a skull. Despite all of his changes, his fighting spirit never wavered and that relentless spirit and tireless work ethic have given us our new battle cry: Never Say Die!"

(Aside -- this is the most amusing magazine cover I've seen in a while.)

This upcoming Sunday will be my 100th column. (Yes I know, a hundred too many.) Anyway, I was thinking of doing something different for it. Maybe a list format, maybe something else? I know I'll definitely try and do a list on the blog of things I've learned/encountered in the past two years.


So what do you guys think?

Rock that spin, Detroit.

Perhaps you heard Detroit television personality Ken Daniels on the Team 1200 this aft, discussing the Red Wings' decision to sign Dominik Hasek (and his towel) to a one-year-deal.

Daniels claims (and I'm paraphrasing) that the Wings had a strong interest in Martin Gerber. However, when the Sens snagged the Swiss backstopper, Detroit was left in a bind due to salary cap restraints. Also, in spite of their desire for Gerber, there was "lingering doubt" regarding "playoff capability", and they had been "burned recently in that respect" (see: Manny Legace). That's where the decision to pick up Hasek arose from.

A nice little jab there, from someone who appears to think (or is telling himself) that Detroit scooped up and rescued Hasek from under Muckler's nose, after Mucks thieved their original choice. Strangely enough, the last time I checked, major injuries fell under the banner of "playoff capability".

Just remember, it's all slings and arrows until someone tears a groin muscle.

Just a little something to chew on for the weekend...

Think about all the teams that have been hell-bent on keeping their collective salaries at the lower spectrum of the cap. The floor figure for last year was 21.5 million. Think about Buffalo, who likes to have a ceiling below the actual 44-million dollar cap, and the frustrations they've been dealing with involving RFAs. Think about Boston -- with a collective salary of approximately 32 million last year, and notoriously stingy. Suddenly they're shelling out for Zdeno Chara.

How are these smaller-market teams, and teams that have difficulty drawing going to be able to justify spending this money? The cap demands it now -- you've got to keep up or you'll be left by the wayside, and more and more teams are pushing the limit. Toronto and Detroit have always spent big -- they could afford to, and their ticket prices reflected that fact.

Other teams who had smaller wallets previously attempted to tread water. The CBA's salary cap gives them a chance to hook some of the bigger fishes of free agency, but some still have to get used to the idea of spending $44 million on a collective salary.

It's great if the fans show up, and can offset some of the costs. But what if they don't? The fact remains that even if they do, a number of these markets will likely be raising ticket prices again.

Tour de France winner Floyd Landis fails drug test -- well, there goes that happy story. Obviously the "Tour de Lance" moniker is still applicable for this race.

I rented ESPN's Codebreakers and watched it last night -- it's a docu-drama about the 1951 scholastic cheating scandal that saw 83 cadets dismissed from West Point, but began as a covert group of cribbers from Army's extremely successful football team. A number of players were accused and dismissed, including the head coach's son, who was the QB for the team. It's a decent movie (filmed in Toronto) and a good way to waste 90 minutes.

Speaking of timewasters, if anyone's willing to tolerate my obsession with Rockstar: Supernova, they can do so over at the message board. The Driver's mother was back at TUC HQ last night, and Tommy Lee freaked her out something terrible. I feel the same way about Jason Newsted's recent haircut.

That statement feels like it should be accompanied by metal horns.

Uh, anyway... the 41-year-old facemaker known as Ed Belfour signed a one-year-deal with Florida today, thereby booshing Lakehead boy Alex Auld into shared duties for the backstopping position.

We'll predict that Mike Keenan will be afflicted with buyer's remorse by the two month mark. Just a hunch.

(Credit to Wardo for sending us the awesome photo.)

<----- Dances in time to Metallica's cover of Breadfan by Budgie (even the slow bridge). Don't ask me how I was able to figure this out.



Well...rejoice and so forth. By the way, if I'm posting dancing milk .gifs, can TUC's infamous Boo Boo avatars be far off? I'll hold out a bit longer. I've got to keep you fools maintaining some reason for constantly coming back here.

The sad truth is, there isn't a whole hell of a lot to talk about -- which is blatantly evident if you've visited some of the regular blogs as of late.

I've been keeping busy by listening to Good Riddance circa '96 and going to Lynx games -- it's fantastic to see their offense finally being able to produce regularly, and surely that some players will be called up very soon with Baltimore basically bottoming out. First guesses would be C Eli Whiteside and OF Keith Reed (who's been phenomenal lately -- just yesterday against Norfolk he went 4-for-5 with 2 RBI and 3 runs scored). Also, P Hayden Penn will be heading back with his rehab stint all but finished before his next scheduled start. I finally made it out to see him on the 19th, and he didn't disappoint -- he maintained a no-hitter through the 5th inning. I'm so glad I got on that kid's bandwagon early.

The team's heading out on another road trip (Syracuse and Scranton Wilkes-Barre) but will be back on August 3. If you haven't been to a game this year, go soon before the Orioles pick the roster clean.

Other stuff...

I know hockey's in its dormant season when Slam! leaves the column up in the main hockey digest for the entire day. Normally they don't do that unless I've written something pretty controversial -- you know, like this. But there was one part of the column this week that people reacted to, and I'm pleased that they did, because I wanted to be the first to verbalize it:

"Sometimes, the desire isn’t even related to a hometown — just a favourite team. Have you ever noticed the euphoric expression on Sidney Crosby’s face whenever the Montreal Canadiens are mentioned? If I’m Penguins GM Ray Shero, I’m doing everything possible to promote Pittsburgh to the young phenom for the next six years."

Which of course, encourages emails like this:

Erin,

Don't you mean Ray Shero should be doing everything to
sell Sidney Crosby on Hamilton? ;)

"C'mon, Sid.... it's only a short drive to the
Fallsview Casino."

For the record, I can tell you from experience that what I said is true -- I've witnessed it myself. Crosby's demeanour alters completely whenever anyone mentions Montreal in his presence. He positively glows. It doesn't matter where that team goes, because he's going to have his day in a Canadiens uniform eventually. The talented always get what they want. Hell, in this NHL, even the not-as-talented are able to get it.

And speaking of the not-as-talented, do you think Mike York is going to kick back some of that new $2.85 million to Dave Tallon and the Blackhawks? After all, it was Martin Havlat's contract that began all this mess with the RFAs. You're welcome too, Buffalo. Enjoy!


More later.