Ah, "Dress Up Jake." The madness, the mayhem, the use of R-rated accessories.
Dress Up Jake came to me one night as I was sitting in my office, staring in total contempt at my Jake Plummer inaction figure after another brutal Denver loss. Plummer, the No. 1 QB of the Broncos at the time, could best be described as a mercurial, inconsistent fusspot. Basically the kid got on my nerves more than Brian Lee and Wade Redden combined.
(Ed. Note: I know that's a lot of hatred, but this is football we're talking about.)
I needed a way to convey my feelings on Plummer and the games in a quick-fire manner, but I also didn't want to a) pretend I was an NFL expert and b) piss off my hockey readers. I figured the best (and most amusing way) to do this, was to pose the doll in a manner fitting his performance. If he played well, I'd reward the action figure with pork tenderloin and porn. If he played poorly, I'd make him drink cosmopolitans with Daniel Alfredsson (see above).
I never would have guessed that DUJ would take off the way it did. Deadspin linked to every week I featured it, and Stefan Fatsis (a noted Bronco honk) of the New York Times also picked it up, and included it in a piece for Slate.
Looking back on it, I probably wouldn't have been so ribald, but the readers were eating it up, so I felt I had no reason to take my foot off the gas. It was all meant in fun, regardless.
...because TUC - doubtful (Kleenex and pseudoephedrine dependency).
No, I'm not trying out for the NHL -- I have a miserable cold. Hence the lack of posts as of late. I basically have had enough energy to text message, watch '70's British comedies, and fawn over Prison Break. By the way -- Dr. Tancredi cutting her hair off with a razor blade? Come on now. I considered letting The Driver take over the joint, but he would have filled the place with a bunch of Chargers propaganda. Lately he's been proclaiming LT (or LDT for the purists) to be the best football player ever. Not RB -- football. On the plus side, he hasn't mentioned the Buzzsaw or Matt Leinart in a few weeks. Lover's quarrel, I'm assuming.
Alright, enough nonsense. Let's get to it.
· For those looking for the last week of Dress Up Jake: Take a hint. It's not happening. There wasn't much left for me to do, short of tracking down a miniature pink casket to lay him in. I think I've humiliated us both -- it's over. Bring on Cutler! Now, I remember Jaws talking about Cutler at the draft, claiming that he was the best QB available (in a year that obviously also had Vince Young and Matt Leinart up for grabs). Now I'm hearing the Brett Favre and John Elway comparisons. Fantastic buildup, boys! Why not just put a Ryan Leaf mask on the kid and spare me the trouble?
And just for old time's sake...
· Everyone keeps talking about someone since I've been away...Ger...ber? Whaa?
Alright, look -- I called the media line a couple of days ago to find out who was starting the Carolina game, and had just enough strength to throw my cell phone across the bed, in a manner that is expected of my gender. After seeing him play tonight, I had one reaction: Meh.
Did he get the win? You can oversimplify and look at the scoreboard. But how impressed can I be when Carolina didn't bother to show up, and John Grahame appeared to be borderline-feeble?
In short, the Senators' offense garnered the victory -- Gerber did not. But the win should help to buoy his confidence and begin to repair his fragile psyche.
I think some people assume that I don't like Gerber. That's not the case. Martin's not a bad guy. He's pleasant enough, and is a good teammate. The worst Stanley Cup-winning goaltender Ottawa has seen thus far was an oenophile who cursed at Scott Oake on live television. That's not Gerber.
The problem with No. 29 doesn't reside completely with him. It's the result of the enormous salary that John Muckler chose to pay him, and the astronomical expectations that have come along with it. We've all expected him to earn his keep. He hasn't yet. Not even close. Would fans be more lenient if he were making 1.5 million, for example? Doubtful -- this is Ottawa, after all. But no one can deny that the rage directed towards Gerber during his slow start was largely sparked by that 3.7 million dollar kindling. You just don't pay that kind of money to someone who, as another blogger pointed out, possessed a worse GAA and save percentage than Curtis Sanford last year.
Some critics were placated by Gerber's play last night, saying that he didn't appear as small in the net as he usually does. I did notice that he wasn't situated as far back as he had been previously. But there are still aspects of his game that I find troubling. He still goes down too fast, and his lateral movement from his knees is painfully slow. He also has issues when the puck goes behind the net, sometimes feeling the need to follow the Ottawa defender with his head and body completely around the cage's side (he did this last night with Meszaros). The communication with his own defenders is still not at the level it needs to be, to assure a higher level of comfort and confidence.
The smart pundits will see this win for what it was: A start, but not a convincing victory for No. 29. The rest may be swayed by false hope. Right now, it's too early to call. Gerber hasn't swayed me yet.
· One more thing on the game (and past few games): Corvo and Redden chew it as a defensive combo. The skating towards each other during an opposition's rush, the pylon-esque nature, the complete lack of physicality...
In other news: The sky is blue.
Okay...this is getting long...stay with me...
· Sportsnet's Jason Portuondo late Tuesday night: "Ottawa is looking to catch Buffalo in their division!" I don't know...maybe they should concentrate on catching Montreal first? Is there any wonder why hockey fans despise the media?
· Did you know AHL players can multitask? It's true. The Chicago Wolves' Fred Brathwaite was recently spotted doing the weather on one of the city's local networks.
· Speaking of the AHL: Go check out Patrick Williams' stellar (and brand new) AHL blog on the SLAM website.
And finally....
You'll be happy to know that this cold has not suppressed my sarcastic nature:
The Driver: "Get some sleep." (Proceeds to turn on my alarm clock/sound machine, and programs it to play "Summer Nights" -- white noise largely composed of cricket chirping.)
TUC: "Sounds like the Sens' pre-game show to me."
(Here's where the young kids say, "Oh, snap!")
Later cynics. I'm off to guzzle Neo Citran and lead the Tony Romo backlash.
Week 10 Plummer stats: 20 for 31, 210 yards. 2 TD, 3 INT, QB rating of 66.0.
Analysis: We were going to give Jake credit for the one quarter that he decided to show up by displaying him online, googling for lesbian porn. But the dude shouldn't be giving us a heart attack while playing the lowly Raiders. With that being said, there was not much choice in which way were going this week.
Looks like Jake's prepping for a night out by doing some last minute shopping. Damn, this is really beginning to explain a lot. At least it appears that Plummer won't be requiring Plan B in the morning. And hey, look -- Elway's made another unexpected appearance. We'll be luring Barbaro back to the car dealership with an apple and oats as soon as we're done here.
Next week: San Diego at home. The Chargers are The Drivers' team, which should lead to some decent smack around here during the lead-up. The Bengals buggered with Bum's Son's defense yesterday, so we're expecting SD to be bitter, in spite of the victory.
P.S. Thanks to JB for helping us obtain this week's props.
Week 9 Plummer stats: 16 for 27, 227 yards. 3 TD, 1 sack, QB rating of 123.5.
Analysis: WR Javon Walker may be the man, but we think Jake deserves the ladies. And in Week 9, Plummer was kind enough to give us a peek at his potential Hit List. So what's the reason behind our boy's turnaround? Could it be that he had a run-in with notorious athletic supporter, Paris Hilton? Hilton is infamous for helping athletes obtain STDs -- but not necessarily TDs (i.e. Matt Leinart, Brian Urlacher, Jose Theodore et al).
We think No. 16 is pulling our leg with this one. Plummer would either stick his tongue down Paris' throat, or use her as a spitoon -- nothing more. He's too surly to put up with Hilton's antics.
Next Week: At Oakland.
P.S. This isn't TMZ -- we have no knowledge of Plummer being legitmately associated with Paris Hilton -- even for 15 minutes. It's satire. If you're taking this seriously, get help. Yesterday.
13 for 21, 174 yards, QB rating of 104.1. 1 TD, 1 sack, 1 fumble.
Analysis:
The following is a true story.
Around this time of year, we're known to carve a pumpkin or two. We were getting ready to carve a Broncos pumpkin, to honor our team of choice. We even selected the handsomest, roundest gourd available. Honest to God: It was a pumpkin of supreme pulchritude.
Imagine our surprise when we cut open our perfect pumpkin on Sunday, and found it to be disgustingly rotten on the inside.
What a perfect analogy for the Denver defense: A thing of beauty, until it's time for you to make true use of it. Only then do you discover the deception.
Are we reaching? Probably. But the Denver D really did throw up all over themselves during a critical game, and listening to Phil Simms verbally hump Peyton Manning for four quarters was more than we could bear.
Sorry Jake, we know it wasn't really your fault, but a loss is a loss. Happy Hallowe'en, Beardo. By the way, we threw Daniel Alfredsson in there for good measure, because lately, he's been just as relevant.
P.S. Those are the guts from our Buzzsaw pumpkin that The Driver requested -- he's got a thing for Matt Leinart (and bandwagons, apparently). More photos below.
Week 7 Plummer stats: 20 for 41, 209 yards. 2 INT, 2 sacks, 1 TD. QB rating of 51.8.
Analysis: Jake remains as relevant as the Sens' power play, and just as likely to bugger up. Therefore, as long as he represents the weak link in the equation of a Broncos' victory, we have to continue with the XX chromosome dress-up experience. This week: Jake tackles the Mensa-level mindbender known as the Cosmo Quiz. By the way -- the purple marabou pen? That's all us. The title of the quiz? A really horrible coincidence.
Jake's Cosmo Quiz results:
Question 1: It's five days after a hot date with no contact from him. You:
a) Leave the ball in his court. If he doesn't call, it's his loss. b) Mope. He just wasn't that into you. c) Call and text him...twice.
Jake picks (b)
Question 2: I take ___ to dress predate.
a) Fifteen minutes or less. How long does it take to comb a beard? b) One to two hours c) Two hours five outfits and one pep talk from my friend
Jake picks (a)
Question 3: You see a Josh Lucas lookalike at the gym. You:
a) Grab the treadmill next to him -- then trade a few sexy glances. b) Keep walking. Getting rejected in the sweats = the lowest depth of misery. c) March up to him midworkout: Is he free after his sweat session?
Jake picks (c)
Question 4: Do you worry a guy you're dating will think you're easy if you sleep with him too soon?
a) Nah, he'll just know you adore him. b) Sort of. That's why you wait so long. c) It really depends on the dude.
Jake picks (a)
Question 5: What body language would you use on a dinner date?
a) Subtly stroking your collarbone b) Reaching across the table and holding his hand or rubbing his thigh c) Nodding at everything he says d) Flipping the bird behind your back in a half-assed, nonchalant attempt.
Jake picks (c)
Question 6: How much do you reveal about yourself by date three:
a) Your wild past, your contempt for draft picks from Vanderbilt, family... b) Enough to keep him warm but still keep him curious about your past c) You ask him all the questions.
Jake picks (a)
Question 7: Ever broken plans with a friend when a guy called you to go out for drinks last minute?
a) Yep. You worried that if you didn't accept, he'd go permanently MIA. b) No. You knew he'd call you again. c) You've been guilty once or twice.
Jake picks (a)
Question 8: When your date checks out another girl on the street, you:
a) Joke, "I think she's hot too..." b) Wonder if he'd rather be with Jay Cutler. c) Don't sweat it. He likes you.
Jake picks (b)
Question 9: Your man of two months say you two should go skiing. When you bring it up weeks later, he acts distant. You:
a) Apologize for crowding him...but keep your winter weekends open. b) Email him the link to a cute ski lodge c) Say, "I'm just so excited to ski, maybe Rod Smith will plan a trip..."
Jake picks (c)
Question 10: You have been dating a guy for months and are tired of schlepping your stuff to his pad. You:
a) Tell him you'd love to leave your hand towel and mouth guard...cool with him? b) Unpack your stuff into his dresser c) Buy a bigger overnight bag.
Jake picks (a)
Results:
Doubtful Dumbass
The thought most likely to course through your brain, days after another poor outing versus a team like the Browns? "Burnt Sienna Shanahan's just not that into me." You're never sure that you're pretty enough, exciting enough or capable of putting up better numbers. Your lack of security holds you back. You assume every week has an implosion date, and if you aren't really careful, everything will just fall apart, and a-holes like Brady and Manning will get all the post-season love instead. Your homework: "Get In Touch with Your Inner Sex Kitten," page 126 of the playbook. You'll learn the short routes a self-assured QB needs to have under his belt. Vince Young, watch out!
The Dress Up Jake phenomenon is sweeping North America (uh, kinda). Check us out here, here and of course, with Deadspin. We'd also like to take this opportunity to point out that DUJ is the creation of a Canadian (ack!) woman...not an American man. We have no idea what might have tipped you off -- the readily available Cosmpolitan ingredients, the girlie handwriting, the Victoria's Secret coupon...or that curious pronoun being used in our profile.
Now you know.
(Aside: Don't ask us if we're ever coming out with a CFL version of this. Three-down football and the rouge can chew us.)
Week 6 Plummer stats: 11 for 18, 102 yards. QB rating of 76.6. 0 TD, 2 sacks.
Analysis: With Jake's role becoming less relevant through each passing quarter (in essence, being told not to bugger up), it seemed obvious that our interpretation was going to be a difficult one this week. Jake didn't blow it for the Broncos last night, but he's hardly worthy of us breaking out a cut of meat and a Maxim.
Not male...not female...but then, it came to us...
Feel free to aim the ball in the immediate direction of Mrs. Tim Hasselbeck's mouth on tomorrow's show, Rosie...I mean, Jake.
Next week: At Cleveland.
(P.S. If anyone has footage of LaMont Jordan's towel-biting incident, for God's sakes, email us. The Driver missed it, and my imitation didn't do it justice.)
13 for 24, 106 yards. 1 INT, 1 TD, QB rating of 62.2.
Analysis:
Our boy's performance in the first half vs. Baltimore had us prepping to drip him in our finest lingerie. However, he pulled it together down the stretch, and finally fed Rod Smith a late-game TD. This forced Tony Kornheiser to cease any immediate discussions involving Jay Cutler, but allowed him to continue the John Elway references. Jake must get so sick of this -- we bet he wants to kick Elway right in his two-time Super Bowl-winning horsey chompers. Jake would only talk to the TUC after the game regarding his true feelings for No. 7 -- you can read the quote below (and naturally he kept his helmet on during the interview.)
(Aside: Can Ray Lewis become the captain of the Ottawa Senators? Pretty please? We'll even overlook all of this unpleasantness from the past. Could you imagine Ray asking Anton Volchenkov and Chris Phillips if there are "any dogs in the house" [woof woof woof woof]? What are club seats going for at the SBP right now? I'll pony up double if I can watch this instead.)
Once again, the lowdown: Each week, we will accessorize our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of week he had. A bad game? Expect more a feminine look. A good game? Jake will be all man. We'll continue this until a) Plummer is replaced by rookie Jay Cutler or b) someone of significance tells us to stop.
Jake vaults back into our good books by showing up Mr. Bridget Moynahan, and feeding WR Javon Walker for two touchdowns. So how does our hero wind down after a long day at Foxboro? A night spent with a copy of Penthouse Variations (circa January 2003), and a rather vile-looking frozen pork tenderloin ought to do the trick.
The premise: We're accessorizing our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of week he had. For Week 1, click here.
Plummer stats: 16 for 30, 173 yards. QB rating of 56.7, rushing yards -2, and 1 interception. Denver barely pulls off the victory, beating Kansas City in OT, 9-6.
Analysis:
After throwing for zero touchdowns, Jake enjoys a Cosmopolitan and some European flavour while hanging with Swedish-born NHLer, Daniel Alfredsson. We hate to get our Alfie involved in this, but Plummer needed some male company, and we weren't about to defile our John Elway figurine (yet). Note that Jake takes his Cosmo with lemon, as opposed to the traditional lime. Gauche bastard.
Next week: At New England.
P.S. It should also be noted that "Burnt Sienna" Shanahan is telling all the Jay Cutler supporters to bugger off.
We're starting a new feature at TUC -- it'll be a way to incorporate our love for the Denver Broncos into a non-boring format for all the hockey-obsessed readers.
Here's the scoop: Each week, we will accessorize our Jake Plummer inaction figure to represent the type of game he had. A bad game? Expect more a feminine look. A good game? Jake will be all man. We'll continue this until a) Plummer is replaced by rookie Jay Cutler or b) someone of significance tells us to stop.
We're a week behind, but we haven't forgotten. Here's Week 1, vs. St. Louis:
Plummer stats: 13 for 26, QB rating of 26.3. 3 interceptions, 4 sacks and 2 fumbles. Broncos lose to the Rams, 18-10.
Analysis:
Pearls for girls, baby (spare us the obvious bukkake references). Next week: Denver at home to Kansas City.
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