The Universal Cynic

Week 7 Plummer stats: 20 for 41, 209 yards. 2 INT, 2 sacks, 1 TD. QB rating of 51.8.

Analysis: Jake remains as relevant as the Sens' power play, and just as likely to bugger up. Therefore, as long as he represents the weak link in the equation of a Broncos' victory, we have to continue with the XX chromosome dress-up experience. This week: Jake tackles the Mensa-level mindbender known as the Cosmo Quiz. By the way -- the purple marabou pen? That's all us. The title of the quiz? A really horrible coincidence.



Jake's Cosmo Quiz results:

Question 1: It's five days after a hot date with no contact from him. You:

a) Leave the ball in his court. If he doesn't call, it's his loss.
b) Mope. He just wasn't that into you.
c) Call and text him...twice.

Jake picks (b)

Question 2: I take ___ to dress predate.

a) Fifteen minutes or less. How long does it take to comb a beard?
b) One to two hours
c) Two hours five outfits and one pep talk from my friend

Jake picks (a)

Question 3: You see a Josh Lucas lookalike at the gym. You:

a) Grab the treadmill next to him -- then trade a few sexy glances.
b) Keep walking. Getting rejected in the sweats = the lowest depth of misery.
c) March up to him midworkout: Is he free after his sweat session?

Jake picks (c)

Question 4: Do you worry a guy you're dating will think you're easy if you sleep with him too soon?

a) Nah, he'll just know you adore him.
b) Sort of. That's why you wait so long.
c) It really depends on the dude.

Jake picks (a)

Question 5: What body language would you use on a dinner date?

a) Subtly stroking your collarbone
b) Reaching across the table and holding his hand or rubbing his thigh
c) Nodding at everything he says
d) Flipping the bird behind your back in a half-assed, nonchalant attempt.

Jake picks (c)

Question 6: How much do you reveal about yourself by date three:

a) Your wild past, your contempt for draft picks from Vanderbilt, family...
b) Enough to keep him warm but still keep him curious about your past
c) You ask him all the questions.

Jake picks (a)

Question 7: Ever broken plans with a friend when a guy called you to go out for drinks last minute?

a) Yep. You worried that if you didn't accept, he'd go permanently MIA.
b) No. You knew he'd call you again.
c) You've been guilty once or twice.

Jake picks (a)

Question 8: When your date checks out another girl on the street, you:

a) Joke, "I think she's hot too..."
b) Wonder if he'd rather be with Jay Cutler.
c) Don't sweat it. He likes you.

Jake picks (b)

Question 9: Your man of two months say you two should go skiing. When you bring it up weeks later, he acts distant. You:

a) Apologize for crowding him...but keep your winter weekends open.
b) Email him the link to a cute ski lodge
c) Say, "I'm just so excited to ski, maybe Rod Smith will plan a trip..."

Jake picks (c)

Question 10: You have been dating a guy for months and are tired of schlepping your stuff to his pad. You:

a) Tell him you'd love to leave your hand towel and mouth guard...cool with him?
b) Unpack your stuff into his dresser
c) Buy a bigger overnight bag.

Jake picks (a)

Results:

Doubtful Dumbass

The thought most likely to course through your brain, days after another poor outing versus a team like the Browns? "Burnt Sienna Shanahan's just not that into me." You're never sure that you're pretty enough, exciting enough or capable of putting up better numbers. Your lack of security holds you back. You assume every week has an implosion date, and if you aren't really careful, everything will just fall apart, and a-holes like Brady and Manning will get all the post-season love instead. Your homework: "Get In Touch with Your Inner Sex Kitten," page 126 of the playbook. You'll learn the short routes a self-assured QB needs to have under his belt. Vince Young, watch out!



Next week: Indy at home.

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