The Universal Cynic

If you're looking for the Chris Pronger alleged infidelity story, that is.

You should know that I was never approached to remove the story, nor was I threatened with any type of litigation. This was a personal decision, and I felt that the post had remained on the blog long enough.

Any other rumours that have appeared on TUC (and believe me, there are very few) were posted after much thought and due to information passed on by someone directly affected by the issue. This was an exception.

After the link from Microbano had been posted on Deadspin, I thought would also make mention of the speculation -- please note that I never claimed it was true.

There has to be a bigger reason behind all of this drama. I don't know if it involves another woman or women, but needless to say, if it does, I feel extremely badly for Pronger's family and the Edmonton fans.

I don't expect the truth to come out on Tuesday. But I have no interest in ever referencing this story again. There are so many intriguing stories that will take place this weekend, that this tale is no longer worthy of the spotlight.

Yeah hey,

E (a.k.a. TUC)

Okay, so you'll notice the time...yes, I haven't gone to bed yet. My area of Kanata is notorious for blackouts, and I was hit with one at about 1:30 this morning -- it lasted approximately two hours. Peggy Feltmate's going to hear from me soon.

Anyway, I'm on deadline today, and I'll be starting work later than usual. If anything is posted today, it will be coming in the late afternoon at the earliest. Apologies to the government workers. You know who you are.

There's a lot to discuss -- the undying rumours surrounding Vesa Toskala, the signing of Wade Redden (any day now...seriously!), Zdeno Chara (whatever), and the likelihood of Jeremy Roenick coming to Canada. (Anyone want a loudmouth that's so far gone in the concussion department that he talks to his mittens...anyone?)


I'll try and get to some of this afterward...or if news breaks.

Goodnight now. More later.

P.S. I googled "Kanata photos" and ended up coming across a bunch of Japanimation -- hence the photo.

I read this on an American blog last night re: the trade of Bertuzzi to Florida:

"'Bert' should flourish in the Coach Martin system"

That's all it said -- a statement with no explanation. How is Bertuzzi going to flourish under Jacques? Are his offensive numbers suddenly going to rebound in a renaissance of sorts, because Jacques would let him freewheel? Don't think so. What about fighting? Is he going to drop the gloves, lest he face the consequences and have his minutes cut? What about aggressive behaviour on the ice? How much of that will be sacrificed to placate Martin?

Todd Bertuzzi is in Florida because Mike Keenan wanted him there. But this isn't the type of player that Jacques covets -- quite the opposite, actually.

"Flourish"? I highly doubt it.

P.S. It should be noted that Bertuzzi only fought twice in the last season (he won both) but undoubtedly the lack of tilts was due to being in the spotlight so much. If Bertuzzi is to regain his game of old, he will need to begin displaying emotion again, and aggression is a big key to his game.

So Star Jones is leaving The View -- BFD, right? Probably, but at least it gives us an excuse to revisit the co-host getting smacked in the face with a football, courtesy of Jason Sehorn.

Enjoy.

This week's column made reference to my "lexicon of yore" -- a different manner of language that is used in Thunder Bay, and in some cases, Northwestern Ontario in general. I've been asked to explain this further, so in the hopes of educating the masses that there is life beyond North Bay, here goes.

Boosh -- To forcefully push a person or object out of the way

Byark -- Fright-inducing exclamation -- used to scare the hell out of people on late-night walks, high school freshmen, etc.

Camp -- a cottage

Persian -- Highly superior to the Beavertail, and available exclusively in Thunder Bay and the immediate surrounding areas. An oval cinnamon bun base (no raisins or nuts) topped with strawberry icing. I discussed Persians with Marc Staal at last year's Entry Draft while Bob MacKenzie stood by, looking absolutely perplexed. Good times.

Scoffs -- snacks, food etc.

Shag -- A pre-wedding celebration held by future brides and grooms that serves two purposes: To allow their family and friends to attend a decent party, and to make fistfuls of coin off a cash bar (usually to help pay for the impending nuptials). Commonly referred to as a "mixed stag" or "Stag and Doe" in Eastern Ontario. The term represents a mixture of the female "shower" and male "stag". We still use this in spite of the Austin Powers trilogy, and no one thinks it's lascivious.

There's more, but it's been nearly ten years. As I continue to remember, I'll keep adding to the list.

...because I punked out on a draft blog due to it being bloody nice out.

Here's Kent, making short work of Boo Boo's mock draft (2 correct out of 30 -- score!)

Some quick thoughts on the Entry Draft:

Not terribly exciting, and not a lot of surprises (which the exception of a couple of trades, but we'll get to that later). Why are all of those Staal kids going to teams I can't stand? Did I do something previously in my Lakehead life to deserve this? After Pittsburgh selected Jordan Staal with the No. 2 pick, I told The Driver that Jared Staal (the youngest, and rumoured to be the best of the four) was going to end up in Toronto. Naturally, I immediately regretted saying it.

Okay, so Pittsburgh now has three young, big-name centres (two of which will play this year), and 12 players tying up just over $15 million in salary. Now might be the time to start worrying about what's going on behind the Penguins' blueline instead of in front of it.

As for Ottawa, I imagine most will be happy with the selection of LW Nick Foligno from the Sudbury Wolves. Grit is an essential addition, but it's also important to take note of the Foligno's position. People are obsessed with the Senators' centre position woes, and sometimes the team's LW weaknesses get lost in the shuffle. It's nice to see the team attempt to bulk up the left side.

There was one other event that held my interest at the draft, and that was the trade between Boston and Toronto that sent Andrew Raycroft to the Leafs in exchange for Tuukka Rask.

Can we have John Ferguson Jr's IQ tested? You know, just for comedic purposes?

Ooh, but Andrew Raycroft won the Calder Trophy! So did Jim Carey -- what's your point? Meanwhile, Tuukka Rask's play was one of the biggest stories at the World Junior Championships this year. Goalies are an odd breed, and there's no guarantee that Rask would pan out, but posters at the HFboards are saying that the Leaf fans in attendance had their faces in their hands when the trade was announced.

It should also be remembered that the Toronto was rumoured to be going after Evgeni Nabokov before the trade was announced. Rock that spin, Toronto.

More later.

P.S. If you're looking for more comedy, check out the Tolstoy-esque Chris Pronger thread at the HFboards -- currently at 37 pages and counting. Their misery isn't amusing, but their ideas for an equivalent trade are (e.g. Dany Heatley and Martin Havlat, or Evgeni Malkin and Ryan Whitney).

If you'll remember, we were discussing the formula required for Ottawa to initiate a trade with Florida for Roberto Luongo. The Driver's suggestion was Martin Havlat, Anton Volchenkov and a first-round pick.

Well, according to Boo Boo today, we weren't far off. He says to swap out Volchenkov and include Chris Phillips instead.

If Havlat is looking for a one-year-deal (as reports indicate), it's obvious that he will be on the move. But to ask for Phillips would be too much, at least one would assume.

But maybe it wouldn't have been, if the Senators had drafted Marc Staal last year instead of Brian Lee in the first-round.

And that, Cynics, will be the subject of this week's upcoming column -- the error made by the Sens when they passed on Marc Staal at last year's draft. See, it's all coming full circle.

Staal is a big, stay-at-home defenceman with a) the ability to make the team (he's expected to make the Rangers this year) and b) possesses a name that now carries a lot of weight in this league.

Ottawa could've taken him at No. 9, but they passed and took Brian Lee instead. Lee is considered to be a carbon-copy of Redden and likely will require some culivation in the farm system before he arrives.

Could Staal do everything that Phillips did in the playoffs (be extremely effective, but unnoticeable)? Maybe not right away, but if the team was able to make that sacrifice to nail down Luongo, would it matter?

But we'll never know, because Ottawa doesn't have Marc Staal to turn to. And the really upsetting thing is, they could have, but chose not to. I knew they'd regret that decision. I just didn't realize it would begin so soon.


UPDATE: Luongo is off the market. The Canucks have shipped Todd Bertuzzi, Bryan Allen and Alexander Auld to the Panthers in exchange for Roberto Luongo and Lukas Krajicek.

More details are coming out from Jose Theodore's night with Paris Hilton. Apparently his girlfriend kicked him out after learning of the tryst. And the coup de gras? She was in Toronto as well -- they were in town to pick up their daughter. Here's a clip from CTV.ca:

TQS, a French-language television network, reported on Thursday that Stephanie Cloutier ended her relationship with Theodore and gave the Colorado Avalanche goaltender the boot from their Montreal home after learning of his apparent indiscretion.

According to Le Journal de Montreal, Cloutier and Theodore were in Toronto on the weekend to pick up their three-month-old daughter who had been hospitalized since her premature birth.

While they were in town, Theodore took time out from his familial obligations to escort Hilton, who starred in TV's The Simple Life, to a Toronto awards ceremony.

You can read the rest of the story here.

Some final thoughts regarding Carolina's win...

Obviously the fans that have remained by this team surely are overjoyed, and that's cool. But how is it possible, after all their defensive caterwauling, that I'm still able to open the paper, and on Page 3, read the following headline:

"Raleigh fans give hockey showdown the cold shoulder"

Keep in mind, this was the day after their Stanley Cup victory -- the hardest championship to win in all of sports.

One of the most interesting quotes came from an actual hockey fan, who said, "People need us to win the Cup in order for the interest to grow."

Planning on growing a large crop of fair-weather fans, are you Raleigh? It wasn't enough that the team had been to the finals twice in four years? What happens when you don't win it every time? What occurs when you need to spend a few years rebuilding, as all teams eventually do?

The question of fan growth is still being asked, even after a long and illustrious Stanley Cup run. It may not overshadow, but it's constantly there. It's a source of irritation to the legitimate fans that do reside in North Carolina and its surrounding areas, but all they can do is defend. The rest of the hockey world is waiting for the proof.

It's not anyone's right to maintain a NHL team in their particular city -- it's a privilege. And it makes it exceedingly difficult to convince on-the-fringe hockey fans (not Carolina ones, just general, potential hockey fans) that they should be supporting this league when questions are being asked about one of its now-elite teams. "Why should I follow the NHL, when the majority of Raleigh doesn't even care that they might win a Stanley Cup?" Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that? Do you realize how bad it looks and sounds?

Raleigh is in the spotlight now, and they had better produce, because talk is cheap. No one's asking for the NHL to replace basketball as the sport of choice. To do so would be extremely foolish. But when you win a major sports championship, and people are still asking where your fans are? How is the rest of the NHL supposed to respond to that? How are we to defend that to the critics? 30,000 fans coming out to a Cup celebration is a great start. But you had better work hard and show some legitimate results -- it's your duty to the rest of the league as Cup champions.

There's Hockey Country, and a Hockeytown. Right now, Raleigh -- the Stanley Cup champions -- barely qualifies as a hockey hamlet. They might want to start changing that. They were just given the biggest, shiniest reason in the world to start.

Paris Hilton visited Toronto on Sunday for the MuchMusic Video Awards, and appears to have caught hockey fever in the process.

Hilton was spotted with Jose Theodore, the Colorado Avalanche's No. 1 goaltender. The couple appeared close and were photographed holding hands.

The two left Club Ultra on Queen Street West and headed for Paris' hotel. Hilton exited first, and waited for Theodore in the lobby. The goaltender followed shortly afterward.

Not to go completely op-ed, but it should be noted that Paris has dabbled in other sports as well -- the heiress has been spotted with Chicago Bears LB Brian Urlacher, and USC pseudo-stud (now Arizona Cardinal) Matt Leinart. We're just wondering which league right now is worthy of the trifecta: Arena or CFL?

Tabernac! What's Jose thinking? Will he fondle her with his glove and blocker on? Will Paris be bitter because his chest equipment is bigger than hers? Right now we're just hoping that Paris washed off the Eau de Buzzsaw before she donned her skates.

Good luck, Jose, and happy skanking. We'd say it in your native language, but unfortuately, the only Québécois phrase we know is, "Go f*ck yourself with a handful of thumbtacks." (And yes, that's a direct translation.) Keep that one in your back pocket if the tramp gives you anything that requires penicillin afterward.

P.S. For the record, Theodore had a daughter with girlfriend Stéphanie Cloutier in March of this year, and the couple were expected to marry eventually. Specifics on their current relationship are unclear at this time (granted, from the photos, it doesn't look promising). Details to follow.

[Story and Photo Credit: TMZ.com]

Please pick up the blue and orange phone.

Looking for Howard Finkel-Hurricanes stuff? Go here. Keep in mind that it's Game 7, and we still don't know the true name of the announcer.

Very disappointing start to the Oilers' game -- they should feel fortunate to only be down by one.

Which brings me to another point...

Whenever Edmonton doesn't bring their best game, why isn't Carolina going up 2, 3 or more goals? Blocked shots aside, what's up with that? If you ask me, that's the sign of a good team -- not a great one.

More later...

UPDATE: In case you're keeping track...

Harry Neale's Ohio State Buckeyes references -- 1

(Miami Heat Head Coach) Pat Riley references -- 1

Farmers' philosophy references -- 1 ("It doesn't matter how you feel, the cows still have to be milked.")

The Driver's take: "I picture (Neale) wearing a beret tonight."

UPDATE #2: This is Senators-esque. Not getting to the puck first, the ineffective drop passes, the neutral-zone trouble, the lack of bodies in the offensive zone...

Oh my. Stellar 5-on-3. Do they sell shower rods on Whyte Avenue?

UPDATE #3: What do you think Kevin Lowe will do to hang onto Fernando Pisani? Don't forget that he's a UFA this year, and has turned into the 2006 version of Martin Gelinas (during Calgary's run).

UPDATE #4: Marshall Johnston has a Stanley Cup. If that's not enough to make you nauseous, I don't know what is.

Did you check out Justin Williams' fan club? Who the hell were those chicks?

For the record:

Ray Bourque-esque "f*cking rights" - 3 (Justin Williams, Aaron Ward and Ray Whitney). Apparently no one's lording over the censor controls at the CBC tonight.

Being someone who follows and covers the Sens -- it seems like bizarre irony to me. The play, particularly in the final game, was so similar. But the major difference between the two teams was always "the want" -- the desire to charge forward, and seize the victory. Tonight, Edmonton didn't display that mentality to the fullest. They may have felt it, but it wasn't blatantly evident.

Congratulations to Carolina, and particularly to Eric Staal. I hope he fills the Cup with Persian icing and takes it up to Bethammi.

Alain Vigneault was seen boarding a flight from Ottawa to Vancouver tonight. Obviously Dave Nonis would like to have someone secured in the head coaching position before Saturday's Entry Draft, and Vigneault has been in the running for the Canucks' job for some time. Is this why he left for the West Coast so early? Stay tuned.

Over/under on arrests on Whyte Ave. tonight: 179.

Good things happen when you go to the net, produce on the PP and get to the puck first. Sincerely, Prime Minister Stephen Harper -- hockey analyst to the stars.

How about Harry Neale suggesting that Harper become a scout "when he loses the next election"?

By the way, if this goes the Oilers' way on Monday, Kevin Lowe should nail down a vintage white Ford Bronco for Markkanen.

Other thoughts re: the Satellite Hotstove...

(Flashback to 48 hours ago)

The Driver: I want Luongo.

Me: Nope.

The Driver: How come? Havlat, Volchenkov, and a No. 1 pick.

Me: Whatever -- that little bugger is going to want to become a UFA next year, regardless. Mark my words.

Pierre LeBrun confirmed that tonight -- Keenan seems to be looking for a trade, but Luongo and his agent still want to test the market next year.

Thoughts?

More later...

Have the AVN Awards revamped their trophies? Here's a shot of Ice-T and his wife Coco, after she won for Best High-Sticking scene.



[Photo credit: NHL.com]

No. 1: 'Canes fans think Ryan Smyth's removal of the silver dollar at the RBC Center's center ice yesterday afternoon was classless. I look at it more as a gut reaction to blatant uncreativity.

No. 2: Could you possibly get enough of the fans lingering behind after tonight's game? I couldn't. My personal favourite was the shot of the mother and young boy. Ah, the waste...the expense. No Billy, there won't be a Christmas this year.

No. 3: "Hey Erin, why did I hear some guys suddenly talking about that TiCat's cheerleading incident on Wednesday? I mean, the story previously appeared in The Globe and Mail, the Toronto Sun and the Hamilton Spectator. In fact, the story started appearing as early as Saturday, yet they didn't talk about it until Wednesday. Hmmm. Curious. I wonder where they might have seen it and why they refused to reference the source? And I also wonder how they think that the RBC Center's announcer sounds like Howard Finkel, just like you did. Wow, that's one hell of a coincidence."

Yes Cynics, it sure is.

P.S. Happy belated birthday to R.C. -- be sure to email for your complimentary dancing Boo-Boo.

Tuesday was a very good day for TUC -- thanks to The Hater Nation and Deadspin (our first link to the site), we received mega exposure for the CFL cheerleader piece, which was extremely cool. At last count just before midnight, we were over 3,400 hits for the day. Very decent for a blog that few are aware of.

More later...including some extremely interesting dirt on Frank D'Angelo and his alleged interest in the mothballed Renegades.

P.S. If you're into late-night reading, may I suggest that you check this out. I don't get it either.

Yeah, you may have noticed a couple. I haven't fully decided yet, and I just noticed that hyperlinks don't appear in a different colour on this template, leaving the reader to scroll for blog-esque Easter eggs. Dumbass. Gimme your feedback, and I'll keep tinkering.

Two Hamilton Tiger-Cats cheerleaders have been fired after appearing on The Howard Stern Show. I'm told they presented themselves as some sort of health experts and the TiCats were never mentioned. Details to follow....

UPDATE: The two women, Deanna Garraway, 25 and Ashley Harrison, 21, appeared on Stern's Thursday show. Apparently the girls were referred to as CFL cheerleaders (no mention of Hamilton), and participants in a Toronto fitness competition. Naturally the conversation took a ribald turn, and there was discussion of the girls' alleged virginity, and fellatio experience. Both girls also participated in the use of a sex toy on-air.

My source tells me that the a representative from the fitness competition contacted Stern today, to let him know that the girls had been dismissed from the TiCats' squad. Stern's calls to the Hamilton team were not returned. You can read more about this story on Stern's website (halfway down on the right-hand side) or at the Hamilton Spectator's site.

I'll update again once Stern has filed his synopsis for today's show. Here are the head shots from the TiCat's website of Ashley and Deanna:



UPDATE #2: No new news from Stern's website, but the Toronto Sun has picked up the story. It was an insignificant blurb, but it did mention that the women were exposed to a penis. (Cease the lascivious filth!) You can read the Sun piece here.

I'm sure the third update will entail the women's future employment at The Brass Rail. Just a hunch.

Right now it's looking like Craig MacTavish made the right choice. And right now, it appears that an Oilers' Cup loss would not come down to goaltending.

However, the Oilers are still displaying some Senators-esque problems that will lead to a 4-1 series victory for the Hurricanes, should they continue. Their PP remains unorganized and lackluster, with unscreened shots that Cam Ward can see coming from a mile away. Worse still, they're not capitalizing on the rebounds, and lacking the traffic in front (that won't be construed as goaltender interference*).

The Oilers also need to make a concerted effort to get to the puck first -- there was a better effort in Game 3 -- including a couple of bellyflop pokechecks to get it out of the zone. But I think all Oilers supporters would like to see faster wheels from the team.

Regardless, a win's a win. We'll see if they can string something together tomorrow.

To wrap it up...a few non-sequitur quick hits:

· CBC showed the Oilers returning to the dressing room after the game, and Joey Moss was standing at the entrance. Everyone gave him love except Ryan Smyth. What the hell's up with that, TEETH?

· At around 1 am EDT, ESPN's E.J. Hradek appeared on The Score, and promptly threw the 'Canes under the bus for their post-game behaviour. Apparently Rod Brind'Amour refused to come out of the dressing room and address the media. ("A 35-year-old veteran is pulling this -- he can't just come out and say, 'We played a good game, but we'll pull it together for Game 4'? He's got to pout in the room because he's unhappy with the refs?") He also mentioned that Cam Ward refused to talk when Hradek approached him. E.J.'s final analysis? "Maybe Lindy Ruff was right. Maybe the Hurricanes are a bunch of sore losers." Ouch.

· Speaking of Carolina -- their fans, who pride themselves on their bottomless well of knowledge, weren't able to give me the name of the RBC Center's arena announcer, even after three days of inquiries on a message board. 63 views, no replies -- hence the reason why there was no name referenced in today's column. Thanks a lot, 'Canes fans. You're ever so helpful. (And from now on, the announcer will be known as Howard Finkel. End of story.)

_______________

* Karma for McGeough being out to lunch (and out of position on the disallowed goal). But the Velveeta-loving media are pushing it with their claims of symbolism involving the puck going off Smyth's chest logo for the winning goal. It goes both ways.

...abbreviated because I'm working. For reals!

Thanks a lot, Dick! Charles Wang brings outcasts Neil Smith and Ted Nolan into the Islanders' fold. The Nolan story is an intriguing one -- he claims that he didn't go to Moncton to get back into the pros -- he took the job to rediscover the passion of the game. Undoubtedly there will be a lot of people pulling for him (septugenarian Ottawa GMs not included). As for Smith, he's identified with bloat, excessive spending, and selecting veterans instead of committing to farm development. I guess this means Yashin's staying.





This post from Deadspin (and its accompanying commentary) might be one of the funniest pieces to ever appear on the website. If you're unaware of the backstory, read this.





Rob Brodie interviewed Brian Williams about his departure from CBC, and Williams claims that Nancy Lee fired the 32-year-veteran by fax. Toffee-nosed cow.

More later. Maybe.

"Game 2 is scheduled for one fall!"

Like it matters now, but The Driver and I stopped by Ty Conklin's house before the game to purchase some cotton candy, and I said the score tonight would be 6-0 (for Carolina). Not far off.

Bloody painful television viewing if you're an Oilers fan. Capitalize on those rebounds much? (Irony...ha.) And from the Mick McGeough School of Drama to Bill McCreary's machinations -- does anyone long for Kerry the Coif? Just thought I'd ask. For the record, and all McCreary hatred aside, so many of those Edmonton infractions would've been called by the majority. If the Oilers want to have a chance, they've obviously got to squelch that behaviour. I think Craig MacTavish's hair is white enough as it is.

One benefit that will come from the imminent return to Rexall Place -- everyone gets away from that Howard Finkel-esque arena MC in Raleigh. That, combined with the crowd's incessant Ric Flair-on-helium imitations have been grating on my nerves. I may as well be watching RAW.

"The winner...and NEWWWWWWWWWWWWW Stanley Cup Champions!" (Admit it -- you can hear it in your head.)

So, The Driver and I passed by the little fair taking place in the (NEW!) Hazeldean Mall parking lot this evening, and there were a few rides present --The Octopus, Round-Up (a.k.a. The Expectorant) and some bumper cars.

Don't you always remember going to the fair, and generally being creeped out by two things: 1) Carnies and 2) that damned Conklin Shows logo?

But looking at it now, and remembering what occurred last night -- how appropriate is that? Right down to the crosses for the eyes.

And to add the ironic icing on the cake, here's part of the scouting report on Conklin from TSN's website: "Assets: Can handle big-game pressure. Has the ideal demeanor for the goaltending position. Works extremely hard at improving his game."

Oh, don't you worry about me. It'll wash off. I hope.

Obviously this is me, using sarcasm in its ultimate form. I mean, I'm a member of the media. I'm not supposed to care. Rooting for a team is unprofessional, after all, the "fan in me died a long time ago".

Don't ever believe this. Don't believe it when a journalist says it, don't believe it when a beat writer says it, and definitely don't believe it when an analyst says it. They respect both teams, but you can be damned sure that the majority of them in this country are pulling for (and likely have heavy action on) the Oil.

And a lot of them are probably regretting that decision, now that Dwayne Roloson has gone down.

This is all I have to say about the Oilers' goaltending situation: If Carolina Hurricanes fans want to win their Stanley Cup in such a fashion -- by facing a team lacking an integral cog, then their respect for the Cup should be questioned. Injuries happen -- this is true. But ultimately you wish to have the fairest, and most balanced matchup possible to determine the winner of the Stanley Cup. If the Hurricanes shut this thing down in four games, and Roloson never returns, I will personally always wonder what might have been.

(And if Edmonton manages to somehow pull this off, someone better keep the defibrillator in the general vicinity of Joey Moss.)

Here's a snippet from Terry Jones' piece that appeared in yesterday's Edmonton Sun:

They hold 40 Atlantic Coast Conference titles between them. In the past 36 years the Tar Heels, Blue Devils and Wolfpack have been to the NCAA Final Four no fewer than 23 times. North Carolina, under the winningest college basketball coach in history, Mike Smith, taking 13 titles, and Duke, under Mike Krzyzewski (or "Coach K" as he is known here), close behind with nine. Michael Jordan played for North Carolina.

Mike Smith? Who the bloody hell is Mike Smith? I think this is the guy Jones meant to reference.

As for the stellar Coach K synopsis -- just as the Carolina faithful don't want to be told that they lack hockey intelligence, I don't expect for a Canadian writer to assume that his readers are unfamiliar with Coach K and the school he's affiliated with (uh, that'd be Duke, for those keeping score at home). For the record, Krzyzewski is known as "Coach K" everywhere -- the man is so bloody mainstream, he's even appeared in an American Express commercial (which was aired in Canada ad nauseam, in addition to the annual NCAA tournament).

But before anyone feels the need to bleat and moan that it was a hockey piece, and not everyone knows about these frightfully obscure American college basketball coaches, let me also provide you with this and this.

Educate yourselves, my little puck-obsessed sponges.

P.S. I'm surprised that Jones forgot to inform us that Michael Jordan is black, as well.

The hypersensitive reaction from Carolina Hurricanes fans. Unbelievably lame.

Someone sent this to me a couple of days ago, and I couldn't stop rolling my eyes. Needless to say, if you're busy looking for potential insults being hurled towards the Carolina Hurricanes on Myspace, or some ridiculous blog (yes, like this one) -- you have too much time on your hands.

Do you know what the biggest concern of some Carolina Hurricanes fans is right now? It has nothing to with winning the Cup. Some 'Canes fans are freaked by the idea that someone, somewhere, might be calling them a redneck.

I'm dead serious.

Never mind that they are supplementing their ironic online outrage with a photo of a fan from the RBC Center during Game 7, who is holding up a sign that reads, "Redneck Hockey". Never mind that some in Canada refer to Albertans as rednecks or roughnecks, due to the province's prevalent oil industry. And never mind that there are other legitimately negative portrayals being made in the mainstream media that are receiving copious amounts of coverage.

Portrayals such as the one Bomani Jones provided to ESPN.com's Page 2 this week.

Here's a synopsis of Jones' piece: He traveled to Raleigh-Durham during the Carolina-New Jersey series in search of Hurricanes fans. He scoured a number of venues (restaurants, bars et al) to see who would be out watching the games. All venues visited contained barely a handful of fans (both for afternoon and evening games), and in some cases, the game wasn't even being shown.

In other words, hardly encouraging.

I don't want to get into Jones' piece in depth, because I've referenced it in this week's column. But it bears mentioning here, because it demonstrates that mainstream media are attacking Canes fans on a legitimate topic: Fan growth. Are Jones' claims true? Are they not? Why? Tell us. Give us your side of the story.

But alas, they seem to be far too caught up in their Internet wars. And the most blatant observation I can make thus far, is that these comments are getting to them. But rather than ignore them, they bite -- which is obviously what the instigators want.

How highly predictable. And how unbelievably lame. Now come on, 'Canes fans -- add the icing on the cake and bring the "jelly" retorts.

Looks like the Victoria Wonder Boy's got a bad case of the Madonnas.

[Credit: Drunk Athlete via Deadspin]

Here was the obvious foreshadowing from the RBC Center, as referenced by TUC in April, which labeled the Canes as the "2006 East Conference Champs". For the record, it's "Eastern", not "East". Bloody Mensas.

And here's your 2006 Stanley Cup Final: Op Art Spasm Logos versus Ralph Klein's Tar Sands and Heritage Fund from Tarrytown, NY.

Of course, you all saw this coming a mile away, didn't you?

P.S. Eric Staal may have bagged a Prince of Wales trophy tonight, but I had a Persian for breakfast. Trust me, he's jealous.

UPDATE: The RBC Center website has corrected their error, now listing the team as the champs of the Southeast division. Here's a question: Who really IS the champion of the Eastern conference? Ottawa won the regular season, but Carolina won the playoffs. And if Carolina loses in the finals, are both teams going to raise Eastern conference banners? Sounds like a question for Liam.

No, that isn't some long-winded euphemism for "the tree". If you saw Sunday's news conference where the suspended Miami Dolphins RB was introduced as a Toronto Argonaut, then you have some idea what I'm talking about.

I swear, this conference was unintentional comedic gold. It began with a blubbering and sweaty Keith Pelley proclaiming that, "I'm not a gambling man, but I'd bet my house that this man is clean."

I'd take that action. What kind of digs do you suppose the president of Toronto's CFL team might possess? Pretty decent, right?

Meanwhile, Ricky blankly stared out at the media with a goofy grin on his face. The NFL supposedly will be testing him ten (10!) times a month, but I'd get down on the likelihood that he had smoked something before he came in. Either that, or he had hit the Brass Rail for their lunch special.

After five or six minutes, head coach Mike "Pinball" Clemons began a Bible study, and proceeded to tell a story involving a Good Samaritan, a hitchhiker, a car driver...bloody hell, I wasn't paying full attention. And neither was TSN. I guess they got so fed up that they cut the feed before Ricky had even spoken a word. I had to switch over to NewsNet to view the conclusion.

Finally, the man of the hour took the mic. And guess what? Storytime, part deux. Seriously. The story Ricky told involved a king, a counselor, a partially amputated thumb, an Indian chief and a human sacrifice. There was no point. But he zoned out a couple of times mid-tale, which made it pretty damned interesting.

And the silence from the media, deafening.

Williams was then presented with his jersey, curiously bearing the number 27. When the media were finally free to ask why he chose it, Williams claimed that he had always wanted to wear it, but that the NFL wouldn't let him switch. He also added that 27 is a "very positive number".

Alrighty then. Mid-way through the second question, NewsNet cut their feed.

Welcome to T.O., Ricky. Don't forget to stroke Damon Allen's ego on your way out.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile (or even if you haven't), you probably are aware that I receive mail from the readers of the column.

I never expect people to agree with what I have to say each week -- in fact, I'm surprised that some of them do -- but often I will write something that will get under a reader's skin. So much so, that they feel the need to take some time out of their Sunday (or Monday...or Tuesday) to fire me off an email.

Ha.

I make a legitimate effort to answer every piece of mail I receive. Sometimes it turns into quite the task. I do this for several reasons: 1) They took the time to write and I feel I at least owe them some type of a response; 2) They're usually surprised to death to discover that I actually respond (their surprise is directly proportionate to the amount of insults they hurl) and 3) I'm a woman. I like to get the last word in.

Anyway, I thought I would offer up some tips to those who get pissed, fire off an email looking to feel better about themselves, only to find themselves in a battle of wits without a weapon. Here you go.

1) Use quotes. I hate to cut and paste, and I can't stand to see it done, but it's the only way to be sure of what the other person is saying. So often I receive emails, and they've paraphrased what they think I've said. Quote, and then make your point.

2) Be succinct. For God's sakes, this is so important. I don't have time to sort through blithering missives that begin with an argument about the Argos that somehow morphs into insulting the Senators. (Not kidding -- I received one like this yesterday.) Which leads us to No. 3...

3) Stay on topic. Guess what? This isn't about you. It's about me, and what I wrote. If your beef with John Muckler is really eating at you, or if you hate this city in general, save it until I write about it. If I write about the Lynx, may I suggest that you bite your tongue for the meantime.

4) Don't read between the lines. I've proven that I possess enough bravery to say what I feel. I won't hide it. Don't go looking for it, because it isn't there.

5) Check for grammatical and spelling errors before you send. My opinion of a reader that doesn't do this drops about ten stories as soon as I see a blatant error. Seriously, it's just asking to be mocked.

6) Don't insult or threaten a writer. Firstly, they'll likely make a fool out of you and you may not even realize it. In short, you'll end up looking like a dumbass. And threatening will set into motion a rather ugly course of action involving the employer. Don't do it. Trust me.

7) Finally, do feel the need to relax. What writers produce is extremely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It really doesn't need to be taken so seriously.

Hopefully this helps. And for the record, and although they don't realize it, I'm always complimented when readers assume I'm a guy. (Although hopefully, not due to the column photo. Ack. I hate that bloody thing.)

...because the Americans are indulging in inferior beer and superior fireworks this weekend (Happy Memorial Day to all of you).

Uh oh, Ottawa -- commence your Code Red freakouts -- and it's not a "sources say"! We've been given an actual name: Ritch Winter -- Hasek's agent. The long story short is that Hasek and Muckler have discussed the possibility of the 42-year-old netminder returning next year.

And just when people were beginning to calm down.

The most important part of this piece actually has little to do with Hasek -- we all assumed that Muckler was going to talk to Dom. Here's what the pseudo-GMs of the city need to focus in on:

If the Senators don't bring back Hasek, their options may be limited. Edmonton goalie Dwayne Roloson will be an unrestricted free agent, but there's going to be a bidding war.


Among the other goalies who could be available, San Jose's Evgeni Nabokov, who lost the No. 1 job with the Sharks, makes $3.63 million. Anaheim's J.S. Giguere, who also lost the No. 1 job, makes $3.9 million.

Florida's Roberto Luongo and Nashville's Tomas Vokoun could both be on the open market.

But Hasek will be looking for a base salary somewhere between $750,000-$1.5 million with games-played and playoff bonuses that were also part of his last contract.

Hasek finished with a 28-14-0 record and six shutouts in 42 games here last season.

The indications are Hasek would be willing to play less regular-season games (40-to-45) and give Ray Emery more of the workload to be ready for the playoffs.

"I'm just not sure there are a lot of options out there this year," said a league source.

"If you're going to move on from Hasek, then you better have somebody who is ready to step in. Ray Emery is going to need more time."

Translation: Edmonton's going to want to keep Dwayne Roloson. Montreal's going to want to keep Cristobal Huet. Other teams are looking for goalies, they'll be looking at some of the names Garrioch listed, and value for backstoppers is at a premium right now. Fans want, want, want...and they expect the team to also retain either Wade Redden and/or Zdeno Chara. Alrighty then. Sometimes Sens fans are so delusional, it kills me. I'm actually shocked that Nikolai Khabibulin's name hasn't come up.

As of right now, I could see John Muckler doing the following: Signing Hasek, and running a 1a and 1b goaltending system until he sees something else fall out. I don't believe he'd wait until the trade deadline. He might wait until he sees somebody fall off and go through a bad patch -- then make an offer. It's important to remember that you never (well, rarely ever) make a trade for someone when they're at their best. There has to be a reason why a team wants to purge a player.

Would this work? No one would ever admit that it has a chance in hell. And you know what? I kind of like that.

I received a truly great response to last week's column where I referenced Scott Radinsky's band, Pulley. There's such a great dynamic between punk rock and sport that few have ever tapped into -- I want to be one of the first. Most writers don't realize that so many players are fans of these bands, and eventually meet, socialize and become friends with them. They're a fantastic resource for information, because they speak honestly, and without the typical clichés. It was a band member who told me that Sean Avery had been spotted with Elisha Cuthbert, long before the media was even aware they were friends (who eventually became a couple). It was a band member who gave me true insight into Scott Niedermayer's feelings, when he wasn't sure if he was going to return to New Jersey. I'm sure most "journalists" wouldn't dream of associating with "undesirables" like "punk rockers", but that mentality is just ridiculous. So many sources are completely oversaturated that it can't possibly hurt to become a bit unorthodox. And ultimately, it's important to remember that this business is not nearly as serious and important as its participants would like to believe. It's just a game, and it's okay to occasionally have fun with your work.

Have a decent weekend, Cynics. More later.

Adam over at The Hater Nation has found a a new toy, and naturally I had to give it a whirl. Here's my first attempt:



I'll try and create a couple more throughout the day. If you're feeling creative, make up your own, save them using the instructions provided on the site and email them to me at erinnicks@yahoo.ca. I'll post the best ones later on.

Okay, so The Driver says that Red Bull puts me in a "poetic" mood -- I'm not sure if that's the reason behind this -- but I was able to apply the rest of Pulley's Blindfold to the Senators with ease. I couldn't do it for the column...I'm sure I freaked out people enough as it is. Here's how we'll do it: A line or two of lyrics, followed by an interpretation. Get it...got it? Good.

Sitting in the backyard on a Sunday in the morning touched by you/and all your curls that sucked me in: Game 5 (the elimination game) was played on a Saturday night. Who were people thinking about the most, immediately after the game? Alfie. Who has curly hair? Alfie. Who have people been sucked in by, based on longevity with the franchise and so-called "leadership" ability? Say it out loud, kids.

I can't hear you when you're screaming/I can hear you when you're talking to me/laughing at the jokes/laughing at the jokes I've told before: Screaming suggests emotion -- something that the team didn't show during the playoffs, hence the reason why you didn't "hear" it. But you can hear them when they're talking to everyone, laughing off the suggestions that come every year. The ones that say they lack the grit and character to pull off any legitimate post-season success.

It's only over when you've given up on me: Yep, we've covered this already.

You've held it in for so long/detaching yourself from everything I gave/now you're on your own/there's nobody else: Held it in, held back -- either or. You could say this points towards the team's lack of desperation play on many occasions throughout the years. The detachment line is something I can't attribute to any key situation, so I'll let it go for now. The idea that they were on their own is an interesting relevation. No Hasek to save them; no one to blame but themselves for their loss, as the Sabres provided a fair matchup.

So happy on the outside with your conscience coming home: Here's a line that addresses how easy everything looked for the Senators, from a casual perspective. They had many blowouts throughout the regular season, but lacked the ability to clinch those important one-goal games -- a revelation that the team had to be aware of, regardless of their early success. It was a flaw that became blatantly obvious during the Buffalo series.

Blindfold me a role/blindfold me a role you played so well: This is easy. They had every fan in this city completely seduced with the believe they could pull it off. They played the role of elite, offensive firepower. Until it mattered, of course.

It's only over when you've given up on me: See above, column etc.

There's one thing left to say/Those words you said to me were never true: The quotes claiming that did have grit and a proclamation of confidence -- their expressions on the ice said otherwise.

I justified everything I gave to you: A fan's disappointment, based on the belief that things would be different this year. An investment of time, money and passion. All for naught...yet again.

I won't ever look at you the same: Another line that could be applied directly to Alfredsson. His pathetic pylon move that led to the Pominville goal encompasses everything that critics had claimed: He lacks the passion and gumption of a true leader. I don't think a lot of fans believed it until that moment.

Step aside/you always walk away: Step aside and make way for the teams that want it more. Walk away and give up any hope of achieving success, because you lack the character required.

There you go: A complete breakdown of Scott Radinsky's stellar work, Blindfold -- a song obviously about a failed relationship, but could be applied to the Sens with ease. And I had it figured out after a 12-minute shower.

Go ahead and admit your amazement. Your awed wonder and golf claps are highly appreciated.

I was extremely curious to see what Dominik Hasek was going to say during his appearance last night on Off The Record. Hasek is one of the few interviews I'll pay attention to, because although he chooses his words carefully, you occasionally don't get the prototypical hockey response.

Needless to say, it was an interesting few minutes. We all knew that Hasek wished to stay in Ottawa next year (he's a UFA), but the answers he provided made his feelings crystal clear. He expressed no interest in playing for anyone else -- that he "only wants to play for the Senators", and didn't want to leave under the current circumstances. He also told Landsberg that he was upset because he "hasn't finished his job here yet".

I don't care if you're a Senators fan, a Hasek critic...a statement like that in today's league will stick with you.

When's the last time you heard anyone, anywhere say that they only wished to play for Ottawa? When have you heard a player for the Sens say, "the job's not done here yet"? I don't remember hearing Wade Redden or Zdeno Chara drop such bold statements. And yes, I know it's about money. And Redden and Chara are in positions of power with the ability to command millions of dollars from several teams of their choosing right now. That's not what this is about. It's about expressing a commitment to this franchise right now -- and recognizing unfinished business. I love that. I'm not saying anyone else from Ottawa doesn't feel that way. Maybe they do. But I don't remember ever hearing it expressed so blatantly. And during this depressing period when fan morale is bottoming out (yet again), it's extremely refreshing to experience.

Let me just say this right now: I like Hasek a lot. He's hilarious, he served his purpose (and then some) up until he was injured, and from a work standpoint, he makes for great copy. I'm well aware of his age -- the risks the Sens took when they signed him, and the bigger ones that would await if they resigned him.

I don't think it's possible for the team to keep him, based on risk and recent reaction from Murray (who said it was time to move on). But if he wants to come back, obviously the team's in a position of control. But perhaps even to offer the league minimum, and have him share the duties with Emery would be too much of a stretch. It would be a better situation than he had in Detroit -- Emery isn't as much of a threat as CuJo was -- but Hasek might not be able to swallow his pride.

There was one other interesting comment that Hasek made during the interview. Landsberg asked if Dom was subjected to any pressure from the team to return, specifically during the Buffalo series. Hasek initially said no, but mentioned "Alfie and the assistant captains" coming to him before Game 4. He didn't reference what they said verbatim, but claimed that he told him he couldn't help them.

If this is true, you could classify this as another example of the team lacking the inner fortitude to look to themselves for confidence.

If you're down 3-0, do you go running to your injured No. 1 goaltender, looking for a hero to save you from yourselves? And if he plays and you lose, does he automatically become the scapegoat?

Very interesting.

This is a difficult situation for both parties -- there's extreme risk involved for the team to remain involved with this player. But how often do you hear of anyone wanting to finish a job, and finish it with Ottawa of all teams? How do you handle that?

P.S. Check out the interesting reaction to the interview on the HF Boards.

As per Argus' request, here is the unpublished column that would have appeared in the May 14 Sun, had the Sens gone up 3-2 in their series.

The Shawshank Redemption was a movie about hope, but I can’t quote it here. ESPN’s Bill Simmons has made it his life’s work to squeeze Shawshank references into everything. I think if I did it, I’d have to pay him royalties.

Therefore I’m left to quote another favourite – The Usual Suspects. Suspects is hardly hope-filled, but it did have a stellar line dropped by the mangiest of the Baldwin brothers – Stephen Baldwin. His character said this, when faced with what seemed to be an impossible task:

“There’s nothing that can’t be done.”

The Ottawa Senators aren’t about to head into a 91 million dollar drug heist on a boat. But they are continuing to face an uphill battle, game by game.

However, when the metaphorical snap of femurs occurred due to fans and media jumping off the bandwagon after three losses, you have to wonder how many are now currently parked in front of the couch with an entrée of crow.

Thursday’s meltdown was unlike anything this city has experienced. As far as many were concerned, Game 4 was simply a formality. You’d think it had already been played.

ESPN’s Scott Burnside described Daniel Alfredsson as “The face of Senators’ futility”, and surmised that if Alfie were to ever clutch Lord Stanley above his head, it would be “somewhere else, in a different jersey”. Sportsnet’s Ian Mendes referred to himself in his blog as “an idiot, for thinking this Senators team was going to win a game when it mattered.”

Was Alfredsson worthy of the criticism? Absolutely. As the team’s leader, he was expected to play a key role in rallying the troops when the team was down 3-0. And time after time, the Senators came onto the ice, without demonstrating a killer instinct. Worse still was the captain’s actual play, which lacked passion, and more importantly, offensive effectiveness.

But in the midst of a series, regardless of whether the team was on the brink of elimination, could we not have waited to discuss the ultimate legacy and future of Daniel Alfredsson in Ottawa? Can we save the trade scenarios until the Sens have completed their post-season play?

As for the belief that the Sens can’t win when it matters, that’s a difficult opinion to disagree with, because the Senators’ playoff history speaks volumes. But again, the timing of such a statement is critical. The series was incomplete. As of today, it still is. And how fair is it to criticize this team for not believing, when so many were ready to throw in the towel before they were even done?



If Alfredsson had put his shot three inches inside the post at the end of Game 3, we likely wouldn’t be discussing his future as a Senator. If Ray Emery had gotten his glove down on the tying Buffalo goal that led to overtime, and an eventual Sabres’ victory in Game 1, perhaps he could have squelched some of the negativity towards him.

And if the bandwagon jumpers had said their piece before a Senators’ Game 4 loss on Thursday, they would have appeared ahead of the curve – fully armed with their, “I told you so” retorts on Friday.

But that’s not the way it’s worked out so far.

Timing is everything right now. The Senators are trying to prove to themselves, the fans, and the NHL that their time isn’t up yet. The very least their supporters can do, is stick with them until the actual finish – be it good, bad, or extremely ugly.

Alternate title: 98% of the blog readers are male, and I know how you live to check out chicks in lingerie, so don't say that I never do anything nice for you.

P.S. The Cynic does not take requests -- you know how to use Google. Get busy.

Now onto the mail...once again, real mail, from real(ly) bizarre readers.

Is it really necessary to pull crap like this?:

"IDOL TIME: American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was recently involved in an affectionate photo-op with the Stanley Cup. One assumes this would be a great rebound from his recent "relationship" with Teri Hatcher -- the Cup has some meat on its frame and proves to be a better conversation piece."

I'm sure you're not friends with Ms. Hatcher-- in fact, I'm quite sure you've never met her-- and yet you feel as though you are qualified to sit in judgement on her. Sorry sweetie, she can't help it if she's naturally thin and beautiful and adored by many. I know it must be a blow to your own ego in some way that you should need to single her out, but what an ugly, base, lowbrow cheapshot for you to take... Not to mention the fact that it's a tacky "writing" gimmick used by sports columnists accross (sic) the country. You'd be better advised to be a renegade and acquire some taste.



The reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

Oh, please. Are you going to lose sleep over this?

Sincerely,

Eonline!/Gawker/Defamer/US/InTouch/Scoop Editor-in-Chief



The final response:

Hello

I'm actually flattered that you replied (for real). Thank you!

This latest Hasek rumour is coming from someone possessing strong affiliations with the team and players:

Dom had been given medical clearance to play in the first round, but held back because he didn't feel 110% better. When he was asked to play in the Buffalo series, he said that he would if he received his bonus money, up front, guaranteed.

Hasek was to pull down an additional 3.5 million USD in bonuses if the team won a Stanley Cup. His salary for the 2005-06 season was 1.52 million USD.

It seems highly suspicious to me, regardless of Hasek's prima donna mentality, that he would waltz up to Muckler and demand a cheque for $3.5 million, before he even strapped on the pads. But who knows?

On the surface, it comes off as pretty damn far fetched. However, my source (oh Jesus, I can't believe I just said that) is extremely reliable.

P.S. The rumour is completely free of any Boo Boo-related influence.

A request for the commentators: Please keep your thoughts to 250 words at the very most. Between reader email and posts to the blog, I have a very difficult time getting through all of it and responding. Some comments are pushing the 800-word mark. For the record, that's longer than my column. I'm honoured you think my diatribes are worthy of so much of your time, but at some point, common sense has got to kick in.

I don't have the time to respond to everything, point by point, and I desperately want to. So again, please...keep it succinct.

The last time we see Alfredsson lack the killer instinct. The last time we watch Redden act like a pylon.

The following will be the column that appears tomorrow. I'll leave this up for the meantime, because it's the way I feel, and I really don't have anything else to add right now.



The Boston Red Sox fans can sympathize. Surely the Atlanta Braves supporters can as well.

The problem is, both of them have championships to show for their misery, regardless of when it began.

Nine seasons. Nine seasons of playoff berths. Nine seasons that saw the Ottawa Senators finish five times with 100+ points. There was a President’s Trophy, and a Jack Adams award-winning coach. Nine seasons that allowed the top defensive core in the league to form. Nine years that saw this team eventually emerge as the odds-on favourite to win it all -- a begrudging admission to make, specifically for the team’s many critics.

But these nine years also bore witness to a team perpetually on the losing end of a mental battle. Goaltending issues. Confidence issues. History kept repeating itself, yet everything seemed logical on paper. Why couldn’t it work out?

And more importantly, why couldn’t this year be different, when so many believed it would be?

When the Senators repeatedly fell short in the post-season, inevitably the blame fell upon former coach Jacques Martin. The implementation of Bryan Murray into the head-coaching role after Martin’s dismissal provided a clean slate behind the bench. GM John Muckler then began adding “names” into the Ottawa lineup. Dany Heatley. Dominik Hasek. Perceptions began to change.

And oddly enough, the lockout itself played a role in changing ideas about the Senators. It provided a buffer from the messiness of the past, almost allowing the team to approach the fresh league with a “new era” mentality.

However, the Senators’ history is never truly forgotten. Especially when reality rears its ugly head.

There’s something exceedingly frustrating about being on the cusp of greatness for so long, and lacking the ability to break through. Blowing through the regular season, tackling the majority of battles with ease, handling the rough spots with professionalism – it almost seems as if someone is handing the Sens a map with directions that lead straight to the world’s most famous trophy.

Poor navigation skills are one thing, but do we really need this many detours?

The Sacramento Kings know what it’s like. So do the Indianapolis Colts. The latter, in particular, have a very clear idea of how it feels to be labeled the favourite, only to perpetually come up short when it matters.

Teams on the cusp realize that their window of opportunity is short. If they linger, they risk breeding a psychological petri dish filled with cynics, bandwagon jumpers, and vicious monikers that stick like Crazy Glue.

Nicknames like the “c” word. Chokers.


Cusp teams run out of excuses when they last as long as the Senators have. You can only fire so many front office faces, trade so many players, and garner so many free agents.

Most of all, you can only lay the trust and hope in your fans’ hands for so long. Patience may be a virtue, but blind allegiance is not.

Nine seasons. Nine seasons of building and hoping -- of joy, but many more disappointments. Other teams’ fans have waited longer. They have pined and prayed for a breakthrough. Their patience is admirable.

Nine seasons is long enough for a Senators core to prove they are capable of bringing a championship to Ottawa. If they are unable to do so, then perhaps they should shut that window. Jump off the cliff. Get off that cusp. It’s seems blatantly clear that this nucleus of players can’t get it done. It might be time to find someone, somewhere, to become the eventual Senators who can.

Okay, it's a bit late for me to give you a breakdown of Thursday's win, so I'll just run with my recent thoughts from the last couple of days...

There's something oddly sweet about watching so many fans in the city go flying off the bandwagon, only to have the team shut everyone up for another 48 hours. When was the last time everyone threw in the towel before the series was even over? And don't say the most recent Leafs series, because fans produce enough vitriol to carry themselves through that particular situation. It was just so bloody bizarre -- the talk of firing Muckler, trading Alfredsson, breaking up the core...I'm not saying I don't agree with these ideas, but the series wasn't even done yet.

And it's one thing to have these discussions with your friends, in public, or even on the radio. The words get out there, they hang for a while, but they dissipate. Something as blatant as this piece by ESPN's Scott Burnside, referring to Alfredsson as "the face of Senators' futility", or "non-partisan" beat reporter Ian Mendes calling himself an "idiot" for believing are hysterical. The reason being? These pieces were both pumped out after Game 3, and before Game 4. And now they sit, for all to see, for all persons to go back and quote a very obvious demonstration of putting the cart before the horse.

I'm not saying Alfredsson wasn't worthy of the criticism. He absolutely was. His game for the most part has lacked passion, and more importantly, offensive firepower. But regardless of those facts, can't we wait to discuss his ultimate legacy and future in Ottawa? At least until the playoffs are over?

It may be over tonight. Maybe Monday. Maybe even later than that. But the point remains that it shouldn't be that much of a strain to stay on the bandwagon for four games. Casual comments of disappointment and pessimism, those are to be expected. But when you put yourself out there that far before the series is done, you're going to look rather silly when that so-called "expected" sweep doesn't occur.

I was in the Hazeldean Shoppers Drug Mart this aft, and noticed something rather peculiar. There was a small amount of Maple Leafs paraphernalia located beside the Senators gear (car flags for Ottawa, magnets etc.). Here's what was weird: All the Leafs merchandise was infant-oriented. Bottles, soothers, baby booties et al.

Coincidence? I think not.

With tonight's Senators win, I've been forced into an irritating situation. I will need to write two columns to cover each potential scenario, regardless of what happens Saturday night.

Therefore, I won't be giving you my thoughts on tonight's game right now...duty calls.

More later...hopefully.

P.S. Feel free to comment on the game in this post -- I'll attempt to sporadically interject my thoughts if possible.

I found it somewhat amusing to learn tonight that Buffalo's mantra all season has been "no excuses" -- they share the moniker with a 'banger style of demim that was popular during the '80's. No doubt Lindy Ruff got the idea for the catchy slogan after staring at the posterior of some trashy Buffalo bar skank.

That's my best attempt at a swipe. To be fair, the Sabres don't deserve to be slagged. They've been nothing short of spectacular by holding the Senators at bay. And the only question that remains is, "What now?"

Ottawa doesn't have a dying assistant coach to come in and give them the pep talk of their careers. They don't have a young phenom waiting in the wings that they can turn to for Game 4. They have under 21 hours in ememy territory to prepare for the biggest game of their lives.

Emery played well once again, and managed to keep the Sens within striking distance with a healthy combination of key saves and dumb luck. But the offensive game, particularly along the boards, left something to be desired. I'm beginning to believe that I could sneeze and take any number of Ottawa players off the puck with ease. Chara once again rarely chose to play the body, and the defence remained up high during key chances -- Buffalo has forced them into a lose-lose situation for the majority of the series. Either stay back and not be able to help out with second chances on the rebound, or come down, risk getting caught and have Buffalo charge down the ice during a turnover. The point would be moot if the Sens could keep up with the Sabres' speed.

The most interesting part of the broadcast ironically had nothing to do with the game. It involved the ongoing discussion of Hasek's health, and Dom's recent positive comments. A clip was shown of Hasek practising, which led me to shout at the screen, "Go down! Go down!" I sounded like a pornography director.

My deadline for the column is Thursday. Game 4 is Thursday night. From a work standpoint, it's my feeling that if the Senators are going to tank this thing, I'd really appreciate it if they did it tomorrow.

This little tidbit regarding Chara's health comes across the pond from Cynic wingman Josh, who's currently holed up in a Dublin bar somewhere. He's probably got more Guinness in his bloodstream than platelets right now, but we can trust him. Here's his take on the speculation that Zdeno may be banged up:

"Chara can't be too hurt. He lives right beside my boss and he said he sees him outside gardening all the time lately and doing yard work. Probably getting the house ready to sell in a week, that's why!"

Well Z, that's lovely. We have no problem with you planting pansies. You just don't need to start acting like one.

Initial thoughts on Game 2...

Ottawa showed improvement -- they outplayed Buffalo for the vast majority of the game. However, Ryan Miller will be completely redeemed after tonight because Ottawa pelted the Buffalo goalie with 43 shots over 60 minutes. On the other side, Emery probably won't get a free pass from the critics, because he only faced 17 shots and barely a handful of serious chances. In other words, he has yet to squelch the criticism that began Friday night.

I don't know whether it's better to assume Daniel Alfredsson and Zdeno Chara are suppressing undisclosed injuries, or to surmise that they're simply demonstrating indifferent play. It pains me to suggest the latter, specifically in Chara's case (remember that he sat out of a recent practice, which could indicate something's up from a physical standpoint). Don Cherry referred to Alfredsson as "disinterested" tonight. I think that's the wrong choice of words. But his play definitely lacks passion, and there must be a reason behind it. Tonight's game was one of significance -- you could even use the term "desperation game" in Ottawa's case. Chara and Alfie's respective games said otherwise. But we have yet to understand the reasons why.

...because .

"Look at me! I'm passive-aggressive, non-committal Senators fan! I'm off this bandwagon quicker than a Bryan Smolinski wind sprint! The way I'm acting, you would assume the final score of Friday night's game was 7-0! It was, wasn't it? Ryan Miller for Vezina! That kid stopped everything! Put Mike Morrison in net for tonight! Give me Dominik Hasek's home address! I have morphine and self-affirmation books for him! I'm convinced the series is done! One bad game means that the series is done! Buffalo destroys! Buffalo is in the Sens' heads just like the Leafs are! Big bad Leafs! It's all about the Leafs! I can't stay on topic! The Senators' chances are OVER, because they lost the first
game! O-V-E-R! Snap go the car flags!"

The preceding rant was brought to you by the Sarcastic Voice of Reason. Please enjoy Game 2 responsibly.

(Aside -- Just because I mentioned the Leafs, doesn't mean we need to comment on them. The series involves Buffalo and Ottawa only. Rodogg, I'm looking at you.)

Is it wrong that I want to rub the Phoenix Suns' series victory in Bill Simmons' face like a grapefruit, James Cagney-style? Way to get ahead of yourself, Mensa. And of course, the victory was made all the sweeter by the presentation of Steve Nash's second MVP award. Unfortunately, the likelihood of Nash's legacy even making a significant difference to the growth of basketball in Canada is slim to none. Ask Wayne Gretzky how hard it is for one person to make a difference. Steve Nash is facing the same battle, and for him it likely would be much harder. Canadians are obsessed with a single sport, and the NBA currently has only one franchise in this country to sell the entire nation on.

And about that other competition on Friday? Someone got screwed. Just sayin'. And don't expect me to defend my gender on this one. Rachel's redneck smack is circa '95 -- she should have been bottom 5. Overall, I thought the field was extremely weak and the material subpar. Seanny has been running away with it far too easily, which makes for an anti-climatic event. Maybe they need to add a swimsuit competition.

Just sayin'.

(Scaroi!)

More email...I know how you live for it. This came from a reader who took exception to my Don Cherry observation last week (quote from column below that the reader included):

"Don Cherry: When you incorrectly identify the players involved in a specific and controversial issue (namely Chris Neil and Sean Burke, as opposed to Chris Neil and Chris Dingman), something’s wrong. We’re not exactly arguing over semantics here. It’s one thing to stir up a discussion — it’s completely another to be unaware of the facts (and significant history) going in."

But, he was right on the button this time. How tough can a player be, pointing at a goalie and challenging him? Chris Neil is the epitome of one of the biggest NON tough guys of all time. No matter who Neil was pointing at, he still did the big bad turtle when it came time to answer the bell. Oh, for sure, maybe just maybe he wouldn't have turtled if Burke came after him, but that would be a typical Senator play, to beat up a goalie. (Ed. Note: Whaa?)

If you are going to threaten the other teams goalie, then you need to be man enough to answer the call when the inevitable challenge comes. All year, Neil hid behind McGrattan, and now that big bad Brian sits all the time, Neil resorts to the little turtle move. Ain't that just like a Senator?

I noticed more dives in game one by the Senators against Buffalo than I've seen in an Olympic diving event. (Ed. Note: Don't know what game he was watching.) Man, what the Sabres had to do to overcome the absolutely atrocious officiating to win that game was immense. Here's to Buffalo for showing more heart and desire than ANY of the Senators can muster up. (Ed Note: Like who? Fisher?) The Sens were basically handed this game on a silver platter, and STILL could not win. That's not a good sign. Don was on the ball this time. One of the few times Don is ever right.

Marcus Allen then responds:

Hi there -- thanks for writing.

You're entitled to your opinion regarding Chris Neil, and I'm not going to indicate whether or not I share it, because it's irrelevant in regards to the point I was making in the column.

Chris Neil pointed at Sean Burke, and not Chris Dingman. The reason being that he has a history with Burke that dates back to the infamous Philly-Ottawa brawl. Cherry did not reference Sean Burke at all, and indicated that Neil was pointing at Dingman, who wasn't even on the ice at the time. That's all I was stating in the column. Nothing more, nothing less. Don was wrong because he identified the wrong player.

As for the rest of it...

Of course Neil turtled. Who's going to deny that? There was no need for him to fight, code be damned. The score was 5-2 in favour of Ottawa. There was a playoff game at stake. He obviously wasn't proud of what he did -- the _expression was all over his face. The camera was perpetually on him afterward, and he didn't smile once. In fact, he looked extremely embarrassed. But drawing those seven minutes in penalties was the difference in that game, because it completely destroyed any momentum that the Lightning were building at the time (and they were -- Ottawa was on their heels). He played the role of pest. He turtled. He took one for the team and it paid off. Scoreboard.

As for Brian McGrattan currently being a healthy scratch -- the last time I checked, fighting was a rarity in the playoffs and generally remains highly discouraged at this time of year. Neil had 33 points in the regular season. McGrattan had 5.

Those are the facts. Anything else boils down to subjective opinion. Thanks again for writing and take care.

Erin Nicks

P.S. I can't remember any specific examples of "typical Senators play" in which an Ottawa player "beat up" a goalie. If you can, feel free to remind me because it must be an aberration. But "typical" suggests this would be a regular occurrence, and if I can't remember any player-goalie brawls taking place, then something must be wrong with my memory. If there was any goalie involvement whatsoever, it would certainly only involve the backstoppers themselves, as that it is the norm. Ray Emery can more than hold his own (as demonstrated by his AHL history), and he has yet to fight thus far.

The Las Vegas Review Journal's Norm Clarke comes through once again, this time with reports that Arizona Cardinals' top pick and general pretty boy Matt Leinart is dating Paris Hilton.

I expressed disgust at this revelation in a casual back-and-forth with Adam at The Hater Nation, who claimed that if "(You) want to know why he's with Hilton, then you should see the video."

Well, I have. And I can tell you that Hiton's moves are straight out of Cosmo, circa '96. Any man with a shred of common sense and a taste for Russian roulette would rather lick a cutting board covered with raw pork, egg white and Ebola virus. Tell me a wholesome, tanned girl from ASU with more tequila than hemoglobin in her bloodstream wouldn't show Leinart a better time.

Memo to Matt: Phoenix is the U.S. capital of female pulchritude. Mix in some restraint, and perhaps a visit to your friendly neighbourhood free clinic. God knows what that crazy chick is carrying...she even seems to be enjoying that cow's company a bit too much.

If you were watching all of the first-round playoff series, or even if you weren't, you probably got a pretty good idea of what each team's respective marketing groups were doing. Montreal went with the red towels and their "Ole" song from the regular season. Calgary's "Red Out" was effective. Tampa stuck with the insipid thundersticks, as did Ottawa.

But the winners for best accessories and accompanying song thus far goes to Edmonton, and of all teams, Anaheim. Edmonton's silver pom poms were noticeable (especially when the crowd would use them to taunt Manny Legace), and attractive.

Anaheim made a very shrewd decision when it selected Pennywise's Bro Hymn. It's a local connection (the band is from Hermosa Beach), the clip selected is highly singable as well as aggressive, and it's extremely original. You can listen to the clip that the Ducks use below.



Why is this relevant? Simple. I have a beef, and it seems a number of others do as well.

There have been casual complaints made about the Senators' playoff marketing scheme. Some were made publicly, and others were discussed amongst the fans themselves.

Some have taken issue with the game-opening festivities (plodding music, same tired antics). Others believe the team could've come up with a more original idea than "Rev up the Red" -- an idea that seemed to be plagiarized from Calgary.



Above is the logo being used on the playoff t-shirts. "Sens Army"? Seriously? Is this the best they could come up with? Apparently. Was this the only idea on the table?

No.

How do I know that?

Because I submitted an idea of my own.

(See, I knew I was going to get to my point eventually.)

When the NHL broke for the Olympics, I corresponded with the Senators' V.P. of marketing, and submitted a theme and song that I believed to be original and effective.

Playing off the idea of "Leafs Nation", I decided that Sens fans should align under one banner. I chose "Empire", because a) it was a theme that hadn't been readily used in the NHL and b) it made sense, based on the logo and team name.

The corresponding song was The Empire Strikes First, by Bad Religion. It was heavy, hardly prototypical, and featured a chorus that fans could easily chant. What more do you want out of a playoff song? You can listen to it below.



The V.P. liked the idea, was familiar with the song (which I took as a positive sign), but claimed that they had already decided on a idea that he believed to be "similar".

That idea was obviously the Sens Army.

Now just imagine how torched I was to discover this vague and uncreative idea had been chosen over mine.

I won't lie: I had some personal motives. I'm a huge Bad Religion fan (the blog's title was taken from a B-side song), and have interviewed the band on their hockey preferences several times (they love the NHL). The likelihood of getting them to perform in Ottawa at a game if the Senators went far in the playoffs, could have been accomplished with relative ease. And the coup de grâce? One of the members has been photographed for the band's liner notes in Senators gear on several occasions.

Maybe the band's political views scared them. Maybe they were just stubborn. But the fact remains that the Senators' marketing staff was given an idea with a multitude of angles to hit on, and they turned it down.

Now you know the rest of the story.

As the Senators await their next opponent, the Cynic has been keeping busy on other beats. And there are also a select few of us that are eternally grateful to Dora the Explorer's road show for pushing the Sens out of the SBP on Saturday and Sunday. This will allow certain columnists to comment on the Sens' series for once.

But today and tomorrow will be earmarked as days off (or "orf") for yours truly. I'm planning on being scarce around here, but who knows how it'll fall out.

See you soon...yeah hey!

P.S. The above photo features everyone's favourite dinged Czech goaltender, engaging in a favourite downtime activity of his.

Actually, the NHL would prefer them in the stands right now. Here's a really interesting piece from the Wall Street Journal on the league's efforts to get celebrities out to games. So far the league has lured Survivor *cough* star, Jeff Probst into seeing a Kings game, and even threw in glass seats as an added incentive.

But it hasn't always been an easy sell. Steve Carell from NBC's The Office declined this invitation, as did his castmates. The NHL sent George Clooney a VIP pass to any playoff game anywhere. (How much do you think that would go for on eBay?) Clooney's reps claim he hasn't received the pass, but that he's strictly a "football, basketball and baseball guy". I think that's Hollywood-speak for, "Nah, I'm good."

It's a pity the games no longer appear on Fox in a situation like this -- the cameras would be treated to half the cellblock from Prison Break.

[Link credit: Deadspin]