The Universal Cynic

The Kings' Rob Scuderi must've decided it was Nadia Comaneci Night at Staples Center. First to experience the Pretzel Test: Jason Chimera of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Here are some stills from Scuderi's low hit (Warning: somewhat cringe-worthy). FYI: No penalty was assessed on the hit, and Chimera received a 10-minute misconduct (and a fair amount of stitches due to extreme ice exfoliation).

A great read regarding Deadspin's constant need to attack ESPN -- Moderately Cerebral Bias

The lovely Meaghan of the OBC offers her thoughts on Matt Carkner -- Sens At Land's End

The always fantastic Michael Rand of the Minneapolis Star Tribune talks to Vikings punter Chris Kluwe about his rawk band, Tripping Icarus (bonus points for the First Avenue references) -- RandBall

Former Sens President Roy Mlakar is heading for Tahoe. I'm jealous -- Steve Warne

Remembering Ottawa Senators goaltender of yore, Damian Rhodes (no, really) -- The Strangest One Of All

A Leafs fan attempts to list the 50 greatest Blackhawks of all time. No Ted Bulley? Sacrilege. That's what happens when you let a Toronto honk do it -- HF Boards

If you're a Senators fan (or a fan of any team, for that matter), who has such a problem with my opinion that you feel the need to call me a c*nt, you seriously need to check yourself. First off, it's Matt Carkner we're talking about. Secondly, let's keep in perspective, shall we? This pertains to hockey -- not world peace, nuclear disarmament or genocide. Thirdly, this is a blog that contains humour, cynicism, extreme sarcasm and my own opinion. It's really that important to you to behave in such a disgusting and disrespectful manner? I'm sure the Ottawa Senators are beaming with pride to have such troglodytes supporting them. I should also point out the irony of this coming from an Ottawa fan -- Sabres, Leafs, Hurricanes and Penguins fans have always been full of vitriol towards me, but they've never felt the need to descend to that level.

I've since erased the comment, and I'm already disappointed that I had to reference it, because such people don't deserve my time. However, I am bringing it up just to demonstrate how utterly ignorant and stupid some people can be over what they see in a sports blog, column or report. If you feel the need to act like that, you might want to look at yourself and ask what kind of life you're leading (something tells me it doesn't include a female with any type of self-worth).

When it comes to TUC, I don't expect everyone to agree with me. However, I do expect respectful behaviour. If you can't acquiesce to such small requests, well, stay off my fucking blog. Much obliged.

Yeah hey,

TUC

"I'm a Sens fan, dammit! I'm inexperienced at viewing the middle ground of an opinion I don't understand, and am upset easily! Erin obviously hates Matt Carkner because she thinks he was destined for a career in the AHL! When you question a player's talent, that means you hate them! Well, that was before Bryan Murray paid him 1.4 million over 2 years! Hahaha! Stupid effing bitch, he showed you, didn't he? Bryan Murray has never made a bad signing in his career! He is a genius! Bryan Murray knows how to handle a ton of one-way contract defencemen that wouldn't be considered NHL-worthy on quality teams! He rewards his homeboys! Go Winchester (and Jesse Winchester, 'cause he destroys, too)! There was a rush, you know -- Carkner's family was living in a freaking hotel! These things can't wait! Room service gets really boring and flavourless! Matt's wife hates clean white towels! Bryan Murray knows that other teams were busting down the door to get at Matty, so he had to sign him after seven games...oh yeah, plus the pre-season! It's about the grit! Grit, grit, grit! As long as we have grit, that means the defence is COMPLETE! It's about time the back end got locked up, because the offensive portion has been nails for years and we never have to worry about it! Karlsson is the master of the first-line pass and Kuba is good for 50-60 points! No, really! I am beyond content with the offensive lineup at the blueline! Doesn't it kick ass? That's why we sent Brian Lee back to Bingo! It's an embarrassment of riches! It's really too bad that Matt is not eligible for the Calder Trophy due to his age! He had that thing WRAPPED UP! Hey John Tavares, stop snickering, you effing a-hole! Matt Carkner for Mayor! Matt Carkner for substitute Jesus!"

And...scene.


P.S.: If you thought I was going to leave the comments open to observe the attempts to understand extreme sarcasm, you're high. I've said my piece -- the subject is closed. Goodnight now.

...because TUC Live is hitting Toronto and NYC this week -- consider yourselves warned.



Wow, I never saw this coming -- apparently some bloggers/Twitterers are getting up-in-arms because I refuse to acknowledge the Senators' early season "successes." Naturally, these fans in rose-coloured glasses are only looking at the record on paper (currently a respectable 5-2-0, which has them sitting atop the Northwestern conference as of tonight). However, the duo of losses are more noticeable than the wins, as they took place against quality teams -- the Rangers and Penguins, specifically.

As for goals, yes, the Senators did score seven times versus Tampa Bay. But that offensive outburst is tempered somewhat when you realize that the Senators are 18-3 against the Lightning in their last 21 matchups, and have outscored the Bolts 91-38 during that period. (Ed. Note: Getting information from traditional outlets seems more legitimate when they were the ones who willingly admitted that they got it from someone else. Much obliged, Sun Media.)

It seems that many fans haven't hopped aboard this false wave of positive sentiment -- after all, the attendance numbers speak for themselves. Over the first four home games, the Senators are averaging 18,045 fans per game (a sellout of seating capacity is 19,153 with a total attendance availability of 20,500, according to the Scotiabank Place website.) By that logic, the Sens had a seat sellout against Atlanta -- a Saturday on a holiday weekend -- but had their lowest attendance thus far against the reigning Stanley Cup champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins (17,014 bothered to show up for that game).

So what have we established in this short period, given this information? Firstly, the Senators have yet to prove that they have taken the next step forward, following their turnaround late last season. They need to strong teams to task when given the opportunity, and they have to do more than win in spite of themselves (and their opponents) when battling the weaker ones (a classic example of that occurred this weekend in Montreal). Secondly, we can confirm that the Senators' gameplay still resembles octogenerian lovemaking (pre-Viagra Era): Slow, boring, predictable...with a fair amount of disgust thrown in. If you want excitement in the NHL, this is not the team to watch. And that's unfortunate, because if the Ottawa Senators want to get back on the horse, both from a competitive and fanbase standpoint, this isn't the way to do it. It might not be an outright failure yet, but it's a definite flounder.

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Speaking of floundering, how many of you enjoyed Guy Carbonneau's stellar outing as part of the three-man booth in Montreal on Saturday? One of Carb's initial statements was so garbled, I swore he was having a stroke. And yes, I understand that Guy is viewed as one of "the good guys" and that I'm supposed to go easy on new media meat. Here's my response to that: Bugger off. Non-NHLers beginning on this path are subjected to intense scrutiny, and people inside the game should be held to the same standard. Carbonneau's timid delivery and complete lack of insight (i.e. "The Senators need to stop turning over the puck") left me utterly cold. That being said, if Guy had been chatty, I would have been equally turned off, but for a different reason. No sport requires the input of three individuals during a game. It all just melts into white noise after a point. Don't do it again, CBC.

More later.

Hey Ottawa: Want to know what your No. 1 prospect from 2009 is up to? Enjoy.

ESPN The Magazine's "Body Issue" doesn't hit newsstands until Friday, but some of the photos surfaced on the Internet today -- hence the picture of Zdeno Chara you see above.

I went back to Twitter to view some of the reaction, and you'd think a bunch of 7-year-olds had invaded the site. Is there a prescription out there that relieves the symptoms of nausea, vomiting and blindness? These claims were being made all afternoon by those -- largely of the male persuasion -- who had viewed the photo.

I know these outbursts are typical of many men when they have been exposed to material like this. The underlying lament is always, "I'm all man, dammit!" No one says you have to like it, but an adult with a mature mindset isn't going to question your sexuality if you discuss it objectively.

Granted, I understand that the picture also hasn't been overly popular with women (of course, their take in this situation is based on pulchritude). Unfortunately, I guess that's to be expected.

These pictures are meant to elicit a reaction, and the initial take is always going to be visceral whenever nudity is involved. However, can we please stifle the juvenile opinions, and just deal with it? I know I'm asking a lot, but come on -- it's not that bad, and it's hardly offensive.

More later.

Apparently some Sens fans became irked with me during Saturday night's opening game vs. Rangers, because I refused to get my non-existent pompoms up for the fourth line. This line, consisting of Jarkko Ruutu, Chris Kelly and Chris Neil, takes a bite out of the Ottawa cap to the tune of $5.425 million. Mmm...tasty.

But the money, while revelant, merely points to a simple fact: These guys have been paid said amount, because the club expected more out of them -- say as third-liners, for starters. When they perpetually disappoint at that level, it takes a demotion to the last step before their asses get kicked out the door, for them to be seen as quality? Are you (expletive) kidding me? And yes, I know some have bounced in between the third and fourth last season. That point is highly tempered by the fact that we were just talking about the possibility of a trade regarding some of these line members. Combine that with the revelation of being forced to start the season on the last line -- that says a lot.

Of course, everyone seemed to fall off the bandwagon during the last minute of the second period, when the line's brutal positioning gave Michael Del Zotto some prime real estate in Pascal Leclaire's backyard.

The lines have since been shaken up somewhat as Ryan Shannon nurses some bruises, but I fully expect to see this troika scraping the bottom of the barrel as the season continues. News flash: It's nothing to celebrate, and that includes the rare moments of effectiveness.

On another note, allow me to make one thing clear: The days of me rooting for this team are all but over. I don't bemoan their losses, and I don't applaud their wins. I observe them, but I won't actively cheer for them. In the future, if anyone wishes to have a civilized conversation with me about the Ottawa Senators, they had better remove their rose-coloured glasses first. Don't get uppity with me because you can't handle a less-than-stellar review of your team. That's your problem, not mine. And if you can't stomach an objective option, I highly suggest that you head on out of here, and begin reading one of the many fan-based blogs, because this isn't one of them.

End scene. More later.

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

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* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

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* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.