The Universal Cynic

Anyone who's been reading the columns for some time knows that the Ottawa Lynx are my pet cause. Their ticket prices are more than reasonable, they provide quality entertainment in a decent ballpark, they market like mad and their PR and front office are some of the best that I've dealt with in the city. In spite of that, the majority of Ottawa (and local media) treats them like something a politician scrapes off the bottom of their shoes.

This blog is attempting to thwart that attitude, and they've been doing an amazing job so far. Profiles, analysis, updates on alumni members -- in short, it's quality information on the team that is difficult to find, particularly for the casual fan. Carl and Patrick deserve a lot of credit for stepping up to the plate (pardon the pun) and providing such a necessary blog -- golf claps to you two. Go check out what they have to say, and do it yesterday.

... because you know that just isn't right.

· As Adam from The Hater Nation would say, "I'm pulling a bit of a Bish right now", but time and circumstances didn't allow me to promptly comment on what took place last week between Buffalo and Ottawa. Therefore, this is all I have to say:

1) What Chris Neil did was the equivalent of someone paying a visit to the Mustang Ranch -- just because it's legal doesn't necessarily make it right (or...uh...clean, for that matter);

2) How more of this incident didn't end up getting heaped on the refs is beyond me. There was an opportunity for the officials to explain to Lindy Ruff why Neil didn't receive a penalty for the hit, and to politely remind him that Buffalo did have last change. In other words, Ruff could have been given a chance to cool down slightly, and rethink his decision to ice his enforcers (I doubt it would have happened, but at least there would have been an opportunity);

3) The chest-puffing buffoonery that took place amongst Ottawa fans in the hours following the fight smacked very much of a town with a severe inferiority complex;

4) Anyone who thinks that fighting doesn't play in the U.S. needs to have their head examined. Discussions surrounding the fight took over The Jim Rome Show (based out of L.A.) on Friday, but Team 1200 listeners were preempted by Over The Edge's continuing coverage. The fight was also referenced repeatedly on Sportscenter in the U.S. (as confirmed to me by a number of American readers) and was given the No. 4 slot in discussions on PTI the same day. The Americans (once they get over their "hoc-key?" jokes) live for the scraps. No blood, no American love. It's that simple. Now I'm not saying that fighting needs to enter the normal repetoire of our regular season rotation, but a decent brawl will ultimately grab U.S. attention -- if only for a moment. And that is so important, when you're talking about a market that normally resides in asystole.

(Aside: Speaking of Rome -- two weeks ago I was in Florida, and managed to catch up with Rob in Tampa -- one of Rome's more infamous faxers during the late '90's. Good times. I'm pretty positive we're the last remaining members of what was once a rather large group of clones [I don't use the 'L' word], in spite of the fact that neither of us listens to the show anymore. Regardless, we had a nice visit, and reminisced about the Tour Stops of the past. Not surprisingly, Trapper's name came up a lot. WAR guitars and pies.)


That was the past...let's get to the present, shall we?

· How about that Ottawa defense, Senators fans? Are they making you feel assured and comfortable with the current situation? Yep, that's what I thought. Let's go to the email for some more perspective:

"We are cursed by the number 7 this year....haha.....any player whose number is divisible by 7 sucks...7,14,42....actually, I've been so busy worrying about 7 and 14 that I have stopped getting on 42."

I concur. In fact, although it's not mathematically permissible, I'd be content to add No. 6 to that mix as well. Is there anything more nail-bitingly tense than seeing Meszaros and Redden on the same line? (Okay, Meszaros and Corvo.) During the last handful of games, there have been multiple incidents involving Meszaros and Redden remaining overwhelmingly static as pucks waft right past them, and into the Ottawa net. It's also become blatantly obvious that Ottawa's blueline lacks the mental and physical toughness required for the postseason. I feel badly lumping Phillips and Volchenkov in with the weak links, because they bring some stability to the group. But it's unrealistic to think that these two will be able to shoulder the load from March until May. More and more people -- both media and fans -- are claiming that the Sens' D will be their downfall in the playoffs, and you can count me among them. Right now, the informal over/under for the Sens in the upcoming postseason is the first round, and most are taking the under -- kind of like a backwards futures bet in Vegas. Bring on the tee times.

· Finally, I need to give some appreciation to SLAM's Patrick Williams, who spent four days in the NCC last week, and a decent amount of time with me. Dude is great for a tangent or three, and it was fantastic to have a sounding board in the newly-christened Scott Norwood Section of Butterknife Row. If you want to see what else Patrick's been up to lately, you can also check out his column index here.

Let's just put this out there...

Don't you find it odd that Pittsburgh was able to land Gary Roberts for a song named Noah Welch? We were all told that Jacques had every intention of raping Ottawa -- all the variables were in place. 1) Roberts allegedly had only two teams in mind that he wished to join (Ottawa and Toronto); 2) Local buzz and talk from the team indicated that interest in Roberts was very strong and 3) Jacques, being the previous long-time coach of the team, knows the roster well and likely had a good idea who he wanted (i.e. Antoine Vermette or Patrick Eaves).

Now, if Pittsburgh had given up something larger for Roberts, we could assume that Muckler had decided that the cost was too high, and opted to bow out. But come now -- Jacques is currently talking up Noah Welch, but the kid has been sent down to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton five times, not to mention that he's coming from the Penguins, and we know that their D is weak.

If Jacques was willing to settle for this, you're left to wonder if he ever had any intention of dealing with Ottawa at all -- which also explain why we settled for Oleg Saprykin instead of making a bid for Martin Gelinas*.

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* I know Saprykin and Gelinas are both LW, and the major need for the Sens is on the blueline. However, if you're going to make a move, Gelinas would bring the type of leadership experience that the team seemingly can't produce, whereas Saprykin could flake on us, i.e. Tyler Arnason-style. Saprykin was a total impulse purchase -- the equivalent of purchasing something from the clearance section of Old Navy while out shopping with your friends. You don't buy something just because everyone else is.

P.S. More math that doesn't add up: I just saw a clip of Muckler on TSN, talking about Gary Roberts and what the asking price was. Muckler claims that he received a call, "last night at...I dunno...five to twelve or something like that, and we elected to pass". That's funny, considering that TSN had reported that Martin had found an acceptable trade partner on Monday MORNING for Roberts, and was simply waiting for the veteran to waive his no-trade clause. Why would Jacques call Muckler at midnight when he had already made a deal? And why would Muckler be waiting for a call, when he was the one supposedly pursuing Roberts? Wouldn't he be the one on the phone to Florida?

This is an unorthodox way to approach a ticket promo.

Sensing Britney Spears' recent anxiety regarding her headline-making lifestyle, the Syracuse Crunch have graciously offered her an oasis of privacy -- and where better than in snow-buried western New York State? The team has invited the maligned pop star up to Syracuse for an all-expense paid vacation, to help her escape the eyes of the vicious paparazzi. No, really.

Better still, the Crunch are offering any woman with a shaved head a free ticket to the February 24th game vs. the Manitoba Moose. You'll need to show proof at the team's box office before cashing in, however.

I'm just pondering here -- how hard and fast are the head-shaving rules? What if a woman has a bad case of alopecia? What if Michael Wilbon came to the box office dressed in drag?

[Source: Syracuse Crunch Official Website]

It turns out that Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, is three months pregnant with the New England QB's baby. Brady and Moynahan broke up in December after dating for two years, and Tom has recently been dating Victoria's Secret model and nude Colts mascot rider Gisele Bundchen. Can't wait to see how the Dimpled Chin handles this. We're betting Gisele bitches him out something fierce, then tries to rope Leonardo DiCaprio and his shoe lifts to take her to the Oscars again, just to make pretty Brady jealous. If you see photos with Leo's tongue down Gisele's throat any time soon, you now know the reason why. You're welcome.

[Credit: New York Post]

- You may have heard some complaining that the Stanley Cup was not present at last night's *cough* celebration and ceremony for the 1967 Leafs -- the last Toronto team to win the Cup. Screw Stanley -- it looks like Dave Keon could've used a pimp chalice instead. Note the red lining, and the matching gait of the dude walking behind him. Who is that dude? His expression seems to indicate that he's never been prouder or more comfortable with his sexuality at this very moment. "Hell yes, I'm walking with Dave Keon who's wearing a 3/4 length fur coat with red lining! Jealous much?" 10 to 1 says these two split a bottle of Remy Martin in the ACC's basement after the game.

- Re: The afternoon game's between-period commentary -- if you're going to have two guys named Kitchen and Galley working together, may I suggest that the CBC put them both in chef's aprons and refer to them the as Redundant Duo.

- I caught a portion of Friday's Penguins-Devils game on TSN. Claude Julien's horseshoe was overdue for a trim, and well, it wasn't hard to make this correlation:



Don't blame me for being harsh -- it was The Driver who pointed it out.

Anyway, I know it's not customary for me to do Leftovers before a Deglaze, but we're having some issues with our roof over here at TUC HQ, and it's been taking up all of my time. I'm still receiving your emails re: the restricted access -- I'm shocked by the amount of interest, and I want to thank all of you for your continued support. If I haven't responded to your request yet, rest assured that all of your addresses will be saved in case we go private again.

More later...yeah hey,

E

Greetings Cynics -- The Driver and I have been on holidays for a week (hence the lack of a column on the 11th), and we're currently in the middle of a bizarre transborder tour. I'm back in Ottawa for today, but will leaving for the land of Staalapalooza tomorrow. I'll try and make a quick post before we head up...the operative word is try.

More later.

P.S. You'll notice that full access to the blog has once again been granted. I don't know how long this will last. If you want to be an invited reader, submit your (real) email address and identity -- you'll find my email in my profile. A warning: We may be pulling a Hyde on some applicants (or for the old-schoolers, Studio 54). Deal with it.

That isn't a reference to my feelings on tomorrow's game -- in fact, I'm quite looking forward to it.

My issue is with the large majority of Canadian coverage that's taking place, both in traditional media and online. The Canadian media has this incessant need to tie everything back to our country, because they assume that's the only way readers will be interested in the stories. "Hey look, this DB played for the B.C. Lions in '98! Let's ask him about the three months he spent there!" For Christ's sakes, enough already. Ask them if they've had violent sleepwalking dreams where they throttled the opposition's QB, and ended up kicking the crap out of a houseplant. Ask them if they think anyone's going to pull a Eugene Robinson the night before -- they don't have to name names.

Then there's this. The Globe and Mail sent down two writers who are co-authoring a Super Bowl blog. The above link offers a "description" of a Super Bowl bash. Here's my favourite part:

The answers to those and other fascinating questions were revealed during last night’s media party at Gulfstream Racetrack where the premises was dotted by women dressed in jockey uniforms. Just not like jockey uniforms like you’ve ever seen before – as in three-inch spiked heals (sic), short skirts and tight tops.


"Heals"? That isn't going to do much for the perception that male sportswriters are the antithesis of Tom Brady/Brad Pitt/Whatever man is hot enough to make all women ignore everyone else in the room. If you can't spell it, my guess is you haven't seen enough of them.

I also don't understand what's up with that bare bones description. There are no photos on the blog -- aren't writers supposed to paint a picture with words? I mean, I'm cognizant enough to realize that my audience is between 95-98% male. Tell me that the chick's legs are longer than a John Madden run-on sentence. Say that you didn't know where to look, because your interview subject's nipples were pointing to first and third. That's what I would have done...I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to do that for my audience.

Anyway, there's more on the above blog if you want to check it out -- including hilarious tales about forgetting your co-worker's room number after you've gone out to pick up some beer. Sigh.

On the other hand, if you want to read some legitimately interesting and funny Super Bowl blogs that will provide a better snapshot of the week's festivities, I highly suggest checking out these ones from Deadspin and Bill Simmons. Simmons' radio row day was a particularly good read, and Deadspin's tomfoolery with ESPN is utterly classic. Check them out if you haven't already.

Randball reports that members of the Stanley Cup-winning Carolina Hurricanes team will finally be meeting with President Bush during a White House ceremony on Friday. What could these two parties possibly have in common, other than mediocre popularity ratings? Ten to one says Bush attempts to sport the Cup as a hat, injures his neck and subsequently blames Canada for it.

Bill Simmons chronicled the Super Bowl's Media Day in pictures, and check out who made it into his second shot (click on this link or the photo for a closer look):

About tonight...

- I loved the Armed Forces Recognition Night – the television media wearing the yellow ribbon pins, the shots of the military members and their families in the seats…very nice and extremely respectful.

- Credit where credit is due – his positioning was sometimes shaky and his play on the rebounds was questionable, but Gerber got it done. Swiss golf claps to him (of the unassuming and neutral type). Also nice to see him get lots of congrats from the rest of the team.

- I was screaming, “skate!” at Heatley on a short-handed chance – what the hell was I thinking? Obviously I should have been saying, “glide”, or rather, “float”.

- Since Saturday, we’ve had games on the CBC, A-Channel, and Sportsnet. Dean Brown called all three. Say it with me: JAM PLAY! The lack of variation (and repeated use of catch phrases) is apparently getting to The Driver. Here was the exchange at TUC HQ:

Me: “How much would you pay me to silently place a jar of Smuckers in front of Dean Brown the next time I’m in the press box?”

The Driver: “Just push all of his papers to one side (gesturing with his hands)…’JAM PLAY! JAM PLAY!’ Then knock off his headphones. Or gather all his papers in a pile (gestures suggest making a large mess) – ‘SCRAMMMBBBLE!’”

"Scrammmbbble"? How retro. I think Dean Brown has legitimately affected The Driver's sanity this week. I'll be sending any invoices I receive from the Royal Ottawa to the Team 1200 if it comes to that.

- Garry Galley referenced Alex Ovechkin’s tinted visor, and how there’s a desire for it not to go darker a) due to safety reasons and b) because fans want to see his face, as he’s a marketable member of the league. Uh, I don’t think NFL has ever experienced the latter issue with premier RB LaDainian Tomlinson, and his visor is practically opaque. Tomlinson apparently receives special permission from the league to wear the visor due to eye sensitivity and migraine issues (although this is difficult to formally verify). If that's the case, why isn't he seen sporting sunglasses on the sidelines? San Diego isn't the cloudiest of cities.

- About the hooking issue: The non-call discussions are getting to the point where you begin to wonder if some want to see legitimate hooking, in order to justify the penalties. How utterly nonsensical. The current situation isn’t ideal, but if all involved are forced to tolerate it, why don’t we have everyone keep their sticks on the ice and call it a day?

- I liked Dany Heatley admitting that he was keeping tabs on the scoring race during an intermission interview. So often it’s, “Oh, I don’t pay attention to that type of thing…I’m just trying to play my game.” Whatever. As usual, the truth sounds better and is far more interesting.

We're not trying to tease the guy, but sometimes Gary Galley says something and we're left completely baffled. It's been happening so often lately that we're decided to start a Galleyisms list. Here are the more recent ones:

-- The bending of China

-- Describing Boston during the post-game discussions on Saturday: "They were playing 'kiddie bar the door'."

-- After Schubert's hit on Donald Brashear tonight: "There's a saying -- 'Sometimes you should let sleeping dogs sleep.'"

If you can think of any others, let us know.

You know you've sold out when Maxim identifies you with an expletive-included moniker. You may recognize this woman -- she's the one that made headlines when her...shall we say...succinct t-shirt made it onto network television (you can view the video below). When we originally saw this chick, we assumed she was on the Bolivian Marching Powder*, but to be fair, we assume that about a lot of people at NFL games -- especially when they look like this.

Anyway, Maxim online has taken to the Saints supporter. She's done a photo shoot and video for the site -- we get the Jeff Feagles thing, but why is she bagging on Angelina Jolie's kids? You can find the rest of her shoot here -- kiss the rest of your workday goodbye.





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* Do the kids still call it this, or are we supposed to make some sort of Lohan-Strawberry Quik reference now?

- Pity sports media and their mounds of lost luggage -- Sportsnet

- You want that William "Refrigerator" Perry autograph? You're going to need to buy 600 cans of soup first -- CBS2Chicago

- The NBA All-Star Game in Vegas wants your money...just as long as you're a somebody -- Las Vegas Review-Journal

- What the hell is this? A puffer fish? -- Lake Erie Monsters official website

- If it were up to Damien Cox, Lips Crosby would not be puckering up to the Hart Trophy in June -- The Spin (Toronto Star)

- Sabres fans coming off as a-holes in the Western Conference -- German Village Media

- "You're with me, Democrat." (We could've said, "You're with me, donkey", but that's just going overboard for a Monday) -- The Big Lead

The "R" stands for redundant. The league inexplicably has taken to visiting fan message boards to advertise their games on NBC.

Guerilla marketing or a train wreck in progress? It took place on a Flyers board, so you can probably guess what happened. Check it out here.

(Thanks to Patrick Williams for bringing this to our attention.)

The Team 1200's Garry Galley shakes his ass on Ellen. While Galley's face isn't visible, you can catch him getting into it from the :33 to the :25 second mark (on the right, grey sweater with white t-shirt peeking out).




If you can't view the clip, go here. I don't know what's more amusing -- the clip, or someone claiming to be Liam Maguire who's running smack on the commentary thread.

Also, here's a synopsis of Stephen Colbert engaging Oshawa's mayor into an OHL rivalry. I've PVRed this ep and haven't watched it in its entirety, but I did see a portion of the interview with Spirit head coach Bob Mancini -- Colbert was inquiring about forechecking and the trap. Pretty funny. Tom Pyatt also got a mention, which is probably the closest we're going to get to a Staalapalooza reference on Comedy Central.

We've added some new links to the blog. One of the notable additions is Randball -- a great blog from Michael Rand of the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Rand has taken notice of one of TUC's lesser known members today -- check it out. We originally posted the above picture in June, when Kent made short work of Garrioch's entry draft predictions.

Kent is easily the bitchiest member of TUC's household, and basically threatens to kick the crap out of anything that moves on a daily basis. His usual victim is his "girlfriend" Roxy -- see the syrupy photo below from last Easter. He's relaxing with her in this pic, but 98 per cent of the time, he's trying to scratch her face off. We don't advocate violence against females, but somehow we doubt that such a situation has ever been posted as a blind item over at On The DL.

...left to their own devices, and an overwhelming urge to criticize.

I'm not proclaiming the YoungStars game to be the most thrilling event on the planet -- it barely held my attention. But the ideas being bandied about for improving it are bordering on the nonsensical. What's even more perplexing is that some deem them to be feasible and attractive options.

The idea getting the most attention lately was put forward by an SI.com writer, who thinks the NHL should replace the YoungStars game with the CHL's top prospects game. He argues that it would be a chance to see a emotional game with players who will eventually star in the league. Here's a quote:


"It would be a chance for fans to see a first-class, full-of-passion game and to get a first look at guys who'll one day star in the league, rather than a second look at guys who are already not-quite all-stars in the NHL. It would be cool for the prospects, too, a taste of the big-time."


An online demi-deity added his two cents on his Globe and Mail blog:

"Sounds like a terrific idea to me. In fact, why not go one better and bring in the top prospects from the NCAA ranks and have them all, er, "get it on" prior to the NHL skill(zzz) competition. As Kennedy notes, the game would attract a lot of NHL scouts and add just a dash of intensity to the all-star festivities."


Seriously?

Uh, excuse me boys -- last time I checked, we had an annual event that featured top Canadian junior and NCAA prospects, and even included some of the best to offer from overseas. It's a major event -- it usually runs over ten days or so during the holidays. You might know it better as the World Junior Hockey Championships. It features a lot of those passion-filled games that you're seeking, with a lot more on the line than a simple moral and verbal victory. If scouts want to get a look at their potential players of the future, this is one of the best places to do it.

Furthermore, where exactly do prospects fit into an NHL All-Star weekend? Prospects are just that -- they may have been drafted by an NHL team, but who's to say they're going to be successful? Why are we showing off players that may not see a day in a professional uniform to an NHL-expectant crowd? I understand that they are talented and for some of them, it may be a near-sure thing. But nothing is certain until they play in the big league. YoungStars have jumped through the required hoops -- they've made enough of a mark within their neophyte NHL careers to be noticed. They deserve the opportunity to be shown off, and they've earned the recognition. Prospects will get the chance...when and if they play in the NHL.

Now can we please get back to the regularly scheduled NHL programming before any more of these "creative" ideas surface?

[Sources: SI.com and The Globe and Mail]

Some people aren't content with a subpar commercial -- they need to make it completely nonsensical. Dennis Green's post-game conference on its own is still strong, though. Remember, one more win, and the Bears will have their asses respectively crowned. There's a visual you didn't need on a Wednesday aft.

During a mini-Hotstove last night, Scott Morrison said that Gary Bettman and the NHL had conducted fan polls "which overwhelmingly indicated that fans wished for the schedule to remain 'status quo'".

Who are these fans -- Leaf supporters in Ottawa? And more importantly, where are the results of these polls?