'Cause it's not what you've done/It's what you've been
If you fuck up/I'm telling Tim
-- I'm Telling Tim (NOFX)
Regarding the "anti-Spezza" posts on Tim Baines's new blog:
1) Don Brennan and Bruce Garrioch are big boys - one would hope they could defend themselves;
2) Don't you wish this blog was around in 2008? It would have been interesting to see Baines take up for his writers when this was going on.
More later.
Semin. Brodeur. Spezza. Huselius. Brassard. The fourth-round pick.
Stop spreading it. Why are you giving him the publicity he obviously craves? And don't start with the, "We need to expose him as the fraud he is!" How long has he been doing this - at least five years now? Nearly everyone knows that he shouldn't be taken seriously. This is no longer about him. It's about the people who insist they despise him, but are content to spew his garbage all over the Internet, regardless of whether it comes with a warning.
And what's with the new-school preamble of, "I heard this on the Internet/this is online everywhere"? We know where it's coming from. Your vague cover-up is doing nothing to help the matter.
Don't feed the machine. It doesn't matter if it's in jest, to point out his ridiculousness, or to just "put it out there." Very few of us - both bloggers and media - are truly in the business of legitimately chasing rumours. There's no need to broadcast these foolish ideas as quickly as possible, even in a casual fashion (such as Twitter).
Media, stop. Bloggers, stop. Hockey fans, stop. Stop talking about him, and stop spreading his [expletive] around.
Why are hockey fans getting so upset at Jay Mohr? I know he's recently unemployed, but I'm sure he didn't ask the NHL if he could host their awards. If the guy doesn't like the sport, that's his prerogative. Is it hypocritical for him to take the gig? Probably, but someone's got to keep Nikki Cox in Rystylane (seriously - Google some recent photos of her).
If anything, it's the NHL that's coming out of this with egg on their faces for not doing their research on the guy. The irony is, now that I know Mohr's hosting, I will make an effort to catch the broadcast, because he actually amuses me. It'll just be icing on the cake if he can goof on Ron MacLean while being forced to introduce Trooper, April Wine or similar.
More later.
P.S.: Jay Mohr once claimed on radio that he would like to wear Maria Sharapova as a hat, hence the title. See? I do my research.
You know this is the type of thing I live for.
You may have heard that a pocket of Senators fans are planning to have a rally in support of Jason Spezza. According to their Facebook page, the gathering is to take place this Saturday at Parliament Hill (as of the writing of this post, there were 131 confirmed guests).
The Ottawa Citizen was tipped off on the gathering, and Allen Panzeri wrote an article about it. Guess what ensued? High comedy, of course. From the Panzeri piece:
"The aim of the rally will be to convince the Ottawa Senators to keep the mercurial centre instead of trading him before his no-trade clause kicks in on July 1."
"Mercurial"? Spezza? Jason would laugh like a lunatic if I waved a Twizzler in front of his face. You know the gold thread on the Ottawa sweaters? They added that so Giggles would have something shiny to hold his attention when he attempted his passes. If Spezza's mercurial, then Chris Pronger is due to appear on an episode of 'The First 48' any day now.
"The participants will come from two Facebook groups that have overlapping memberships: the “Let’s Keep Jason Spezza in Ottawa” group, which has more than 900 members, and the Red Scarf Union, which largely occupies a Section 319 at Scotiabank Place and claims 1,190 members."
Wow, and they're expecting such a turnout already? I guess everyone's going to the cottage that weekend.
Waiting for the icing on the cake? Here it comes:
"(Rally organizer Louise) Tremblay admits to being one of Spezza’s biggest critics initially, but said that with the arrival of coach Cory Clouston, Spezza’s work ethic has improved.
'He’s not floating as much as he used to,' she said."
Bloody hell, if that's not a selling point for a gathering, I don't know what is.
Now, before Senators fans jump down my throat, know this: I'm not anti-rally or anti-Spezza. I'm anti-ridiculousness, which unfortunately for Jason, his fans and Mr. Panzeri, this piece seems to have in spades.
More later.
Please note the poll on the right-hand side, and vote accordingly. Nothing huge -- just short videos of yours truly opining on whatever might be going on (that's sports-related, of course). Thanks for your input.
P.S.: I refuse to include nudity or use the word "vlog." Sorry about that.
If you ask some women, the answer is "yes." My answer is "no."
I created a bit of a stir last night on Twitter when I wrote that I wasn't upset by yesterday's photo from the Chicago Tribune. Some women have viewed the photo as sexist, and one of the loudest voices on the subject was from Christine Brennan of USA Today. To paraphrase, Brennan is tired of seeing feminine traits/characteristics being applied to male athletes for the purpose of comedy. In short, women are used to portray the idea of being less than equal in the area of sport.
Brennan even went so far as to include comments on the photo from Angela Ruggiero, a former member of the U.S. Olympic women's hockey team.
"I'd like to see that editor out on skates," Ruggiero told the Associated Press. "I'll take them one-on-one on the ice any day."
Notice how Ruggiero challenged the editor, Jane Hirt, and not Chris Pronger? Funny that. If the issue here pertains to equality among the sexes, why am I finding it difficult to believe that Angela wouldn't be able to skate as fast as Pronger, shoot as hard or steal pucks with an equal amount of malice? (Sorry, a bit of levity was overdue.)
Does that validate Hirt's decision? Of course not. But I felt like this story needed a dose of reality. Furthermore, when you consider the bounty of negative material that Chris Pronger provides, it drives home how stupid, unnecessary and uninspired this dig actually was.
As for my tweet, I stand by it. I believe as a woman in this business, you have to pick your spots if you want to be heard. If I let every perceived slight get to me, I'd be a) in a mental institution or b) Jason Whitlock. I'm not fond of either choice. For me, it wasn't offensive enough to warrant a feminist retort. For me.
Jesus tapdancing Christ. I don't need this (expletive).
Jason Spezza? Seriously? Woman, please. It's pretty much common knowledge that a few years ago, I allegedly went to Bryan Murray and asked him to lock up Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley to deals, because I wanted to be sure that I had someone to play with long-term. We know how the latter part of that bargain turned out. I dealt with Heatley and before that, I dealt with Alexel Yashin. Remind me why I should put up with this stupidity again?
Jason's unhappy that he was booed at home at the end of the post-season? Tell to come here -- I'll give him a shoulder to cry on...then I'll bust him square in his toothsome cakehole.** No one in the league gets booed at home more than I do, and I handle it just fine. Well actually, when it happens, I play like hell, but that's not the point...
Sorry, I lost track of what I was saying. I also just impregnated Bibi again. That guys's going to be a blueliner. God knows the club could use a decent one.
I'd really like to know where Jason thinks he can go with that albatross of a contract. He's signed through 2014-15 at $7-million a pop. Maybe he still thinks he has a chance of morphing into Steve Yzerman, v. 2.0. That crap makes me laugh harder than Don Brennan's wardrobe.
And I really don't know what's worse: The fact that the Senators will get jack for him in return if they did trade him, or that this drama is being played out in the media again. Same nonsense, different player. It's so bush-league. I guess I won't have to wait long for a resolution, because the little jackass's no-movement clause kicks in on July 1.
I'm getting too old for this. I'm turning 38 this year, I'm banged up, I've slowed down considerably, and I have snowball's chance in hell of winning a Cup in this town. I should be the one asking for a trade -- to a contender. I might as well, seeing as I've already begun to tell friends that I'm planning on retiring at the end of next season.
Whoops, did I think that last part out loud?
___________________
* Not really, but the post does include some information from my lovely and trusted sources. Deal with it.
** Don't you think he could get away with this phrase? Come on now.
Since 1994, only eight NHL teams have failed to make it to their respective conference finals. Would you like to guess the teams? Go ahead and put in your call to Liam Maguire. I'll wait.
Give in? Here they are:
Boston, Columbus, L.A., Nashville, Phoenix, Atlanta, the New York Islanders and...
Montreal.
Of course, the statistic becomes even harsher when you realize that Phoenix was awarded a team in 1996, Nashville joined in 1998, Atlanta arrived in 1999 and Columbus rounded out the group in 2000.
Now, how many Stanley Cups has Montreal won since 1982? Easy answer, right? Two. But how many times have the Canadiens won the conference finals in the same period? Three. Three times in 28 years. A team like Carolina, however, has been three times (and won twice) in just over a third of the time -- only eight years. Of course, Montreal fans would be quick to point out that they have but one Cup to show for it.
So what's the moral of this mathematical tale? Perhaps it's that Montreal might be effective if they get far enough into the playoffs -- but they can't seem to do it very often. Why don't we hear more about this? Just something to chew on, when you hear the national media bagging on other Canadian teams for their lack of postseason stamina.
More later.
Random question of the day: Who's less deserving of a job in media? Those who resent the protection that keeps them employed in the first place, or those who can't do their own jobs without resorting to outside assistance? (i.e. "Hey readers, I'm interviewing ____________ in an hour. What should I ask him/her?")
As for the Senators, please view the following photo:
I'm not doing this again, goddammit. Fix your goaltending. Bolster your blueline. "Best players have got to be your best players." Just read the freaking archives, OK? Oh, but they made the playoffs? Success! I guess I'll just sit back and wait for You Know Who to insist that he's "schtaying the coursh." (Sorry.)
More later.
Seeing as TUC has had a lot of dictionary-related discussion over the past 24 hours, I figured it was fitting that I pass this on. From urbandictionary.com, it's the "Spezza Pass".
When a hockey player swings the puck with their stick behind their back in the hopes of making some incredible passing play to their team-mate, and it instead goes tape-to-tape on the stick of the opposing player who is heading the other way. Usually results in a goal against or at the very least a strong scoring opportunity where the goalie has to save the day.
Note: A fancy attempt of tilting your wrist in the wrong direction can only be referred to as a 'Spezza Pass' if it results in the other team getting some kind of scoring opportunity.
Announcer: "And here comes Spezza across the line looking for the pass . . . what . . . the . . . *BLEEP* Did you see that Spezza Pass! AND THERE GOES OVECHKIN THE OTHER WAY! IN ON GOAL..."
Congrats, Jason. You must be so proud. And despite all of his own current drama, Jacques Martin is surely rubbing his ears together with glee while shrieking, "See! I told ya! 'S all you need to know!"
(Rack bump to Steve Lloyd for the find.)
Ottawa head coach Cory Clouston in the post-practice scrum on the difficulty of shadowing players: "You used to be able to almost rape a guy."
How is this appropriate? Sens PR, we await your response. I hope it comes with an apology.
Credit to Dan Seguin's Twitter for this.
P.S.: And before anyone makes an "oversensitive" remark, you might want to take a look at your daughter, wife, sister or mother before you get back to me. Much obliged.
We also refer to them as the "taxi squad", but I prefer the old-school term. From the 2006 TUC archives: Enjoy. (Thanks again to Liam Maguire for his help with this.)
...because I have Steel Panther's Community Property stuck in my head. Don't. Trust me. Just...don't.
From the Twitter account of the Senators' PR rep, Phil Legault : "Young series is 2-1, yet pendulum of media desperation has swung again in the other direction."
Oh, dear.
First off, I'd like to meet the media who were initially ensconced on the other side of the fence, and I'd like to know how firm their convictions were. (Damn, I just made myself laugh.) I think everyone reserves the right to question many of the players on this club -- from the guy in the net, to the defence, to the ones on the top line. Have there been exceptions? Yes, of course. But not enough to convince me that this series will swing back into Ottawa's favour.
A couple of issues that have been irking me:
Have you ever noticed how the Senators are nearly incapable of setting the pace for the game? This stretches back to the days of Jacques Martin, which is frightening to consider. We saw some bright points after Bryan Murray began his initial coaching stint with the team, and his push for offensive aggression made it seem as if firewagon hockey had arrived in the capital. But this notion of chasing the game perpetually smacks Ottawa in the mouth when it matters most -- the playoffs. The opposition always seems to set the tone, be it physical, a trap game, speed-driven and so on. Even when the Sens have the lead, you often get the sense that they have trouble in the driver's seat.
My other quibble involves the rare and elusive Ottawa odd-man rush. Is it just me, or can you almost see the wheels turning in the players' heads when this happens? The reaction should be instinctive, but it appears to be anything but. I can almost hear Daniel Alfredsson calling out, "OK, boys: Now just like we do it in practice." News flash: If I can see them thinking about it from the perch on my couch, the opposing defence, and particularly the goaltender can view it from a mile away (hence the reason why nearly all of these rushes are easily stifled).
***
More Twitter bitching (twitching?) from yours truly. How hard is it for some media to get the hang of in-game tweeting? Case in point: I follow the Senators press box list, and unfortunately, the majority of it is a write-off. (Ed. note: Bite my tongue, bite my tongue...) I'm looking for quirky observations, injury updates, things happening in the building/box that I can't see otherwise, etc. I don't need to know the score at the end of the period, and who has the goals/assists. We already have services for that. (Sincerely, Marcus Allen - CBS Sports.) Oh, but you want to save your quirky observations for your column? Yeah, that's nice. Work more, watch more, talk to your co-workers about the hotel bar a lot less. I know, what a concept.
More later.
Let me preface all of this by saying, yes, Alyssa Milano is still attractive. However, the 2010 offerings for her sports clothing line, Touch, still leave a lot to be desired. Case in point: I'm pretty sure 99% of female sports fans have never thought the following...
"I'm a woman. I'm a sports fan. And I have a monumental urge to wear two 'P''s on my asscheeks, because dammit, I'm that big of a Phillies fan."
(Ed. note: Is it just me, or do they kind of look like eyes? Is this some sort of "don't stare at the ass, it'll just stare right back" trick?)
Want more? Go here. She almost had me with the Dodgers hoodie, and then I saw that gruesome sundress, circa 1985. Ack.
More later.
What are my arms doing on a blog from the Minneapolis Star Tribune? Come find out.
(Rack bump to Michael Rand for his generosity with textiles, Lifter Puller wisdom and for kicking so much ass.)
Here's RandBall backstage at the Bad Religion show in Vegas on the 26th of March. Bonus points for my crazed expression and looking like I'm missing a front tooth. Blame it on too much action in the pit...
More later.
Poor Daniel Alfredsson...you've got to feel for the old boy.
Sure, it looks like he's going back to the playoffs, but he knows in his mind that this is going to be an uphill battle -- even moreso than usual. He's done everything in his power to be a proper face for the Ottawa Senators (minus some snafus here and there than only his haters like to obsess about). The man even gets booed in his own building on a regular basis.
So if this season ends up being a disappointment, what harm would it do to start thinking about doing him a solid, and trading him to a contender so he can get the Cup he so richly deserves? Hell, there's nothing saying it has to happen at the beginning of the year -- $7 million next season is a lot for most teams to handle. But perhaps as the trade deadline nears next March, Alfie will be interested to re-think that no-movement clause. And when it's all done, he can be traded back (as Ottawa is filled to the brim with killer prospects) and have a nice shiny ring to show off when he picks up his takeout at Baton Rouge. Win-win for everyone, right?
Go ahead and chew on that. Memo to David Shoalts: You'd be obliged not to swallow.
From Ian Mendes's Twitter last night:
"(Alex) Kovalev on scoring OT goal to break 12-gm point drought: 'I didn't have a slump. That's what you guys call a slump. I'm just doing my best.'"
Oh, alrighty then. Nice to know his best involved sucking up air on the bench for 12 games, to the tune of $731,707 (give or take -- he also gets a stipend for hair products).
It's odd how things can trigger weird memories. Kovalev's latest offering made me think of this quote from the brutal 90's blockbuster, The Rock. I think it fits the bill. Take it away, Mr. Connery -- and mind the Velveeta (language NSFW):
Please note the following change: I am now known on Twitter as @erinnicks. The other account was lost, so if you wish to keep following, add the new name instead. Sorry for the inconvenience.
More later.
...because I have the "talking pillow."
It's rare for an incident involving Steve Downie to get lost in the NHL shuffle, but it seems like that's exactly what has happened over the past few days. In the midst of another round of Ovechkin-mania (involving his hit from behind on Chicago's Brian Campbell and subsequent two-game suspension), Downie's slew-foot on Sidney Crosby received nowhere near the same amount of attention -- and I wasn't the only one who noticed.
We can hypothesize that Downie's behaviour didn't garner as much outrage because Crosby emerged unscathed (whether that stands as a justifiable reason is a discussion for another time). But the incident itself got me to thinking about Vincent Lecavalier's harsh words for Matt Cooke after his head shot on Boston's Marc Savard.
In speaking with the media, Lecavalier said that "(Cooke's) been doing that his whole career. He’s been hurting a lot of guys."
You could definitely say the same thing about Lecavalier's own teammate, Steve Downie. Funny that.
One has to wonder what Vinny truly thinks about his fellow Bolt and his questionable behaviour. Things get complicated when you have to suit up next to the guy on a daily basis.
***
Hey, look: This dancing machine is going to duke it out with the Neckbeard for the starting QB position with the Denver Broncos next season. C'mon now, what have I done to deserve this? On the bright side, it led to Phil Simms's son getting the boot, but if you had told me two years ago that Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn were going to be my top two choices at quarterback, I would've suggested that you go fornicate yourself twice over. And I don't really give an arse that Brady and Josh McDaniels share a bond over the round mound of rage known as Charlie Weis. This whole New England thing is getting as bad as Bryan Murray's hometown boy obsession (and so far, just as effective). For the record, Brady completed only 53% of his passes last season, and Pat Bowlen has said that he would like to draft a passing QB next month.
Oh, you mean like Jay Cutler? I guess the point is moot if you have no one to throw to. Regardless of his talent, WR Brandon Marshall is out on his ass for multiple reasons, and we all know it. Sigh. What a hot mess.
More later.
Mall purchases, check. Spare tire, check. Dude in a hockey bag...um....
We've all done it: You're hanging out with friends, you have one too many rye and gingers, then you come up with the brilliant idea of attempting to stuff your smallest friend into a hockey bag.
And that's fine -- as long as you don't try to smuggle him across the border in such a fashion.
Two sisters from Virginia have been charged with alien smuggling after they attempted to bring a Haitian man into the U.S., via the Alexandria Bay border crossing.
Benjamin Pierre had initially entered the U.S. illegally in 2003. He was ordered deported in 2006, but fled to Canada before the American government had a chance to send him back to Haiti. He had been dating one of the sisters during this period and planned to marry her -- you know, assuming that they were able to get across the border. I don't think we'll be needing to register for that wedding at Pro Hockey Life any time soon.
As for Mr. Pierre, I hope the ladies had the decency to Febreze that thing out before he got in. Montreal to Alex Bay isn't a 15-minute car ride.
_________
Link: Border Police find man in hockey bag -- Watertown Daily Times
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