The Universal Cynic

Since 1994, only eight NHL teams have failed to make it to their respective conference finals. Would you like to guess the teams? Go ahead and put in your call to Liam Maguire. I'll wait.

Give in? Here they are:

Boston, Columbus, L.A., Nashville, Phoenix, Atlanta, the New York Islanders and...

Montreal.

Of course, the statistic becomes even harsher when you realize that Phoenix was awarded a team in 1996, Nashville joined in 1998, Atlanta arrived in 1999 and Columbus rounded out the group in 2000.

Now, how many Stanley Cups has Montreal won since 1982? Easy answer, right? Two. But how many times have the Canadiens won the conference finals in the same period? Three. Three times in 28 years. A team like Carolina, however, has been three times (and won twice) in just over a third of the time -- only eight years. Of course, Montreal fans would be quick to point out that they have but one Cup to show for it.

So what's the moral of this mathematical tale? Perhaps it's that Montreal might be effective if they get far enough into the playoffs -- but they can't seem to do it very often. Why don't we hear more about this? Just something to chew on, when you hear the national media bagging on other Canadian teams for their lack of postseason stamina.

More later.

Random question of the day: Who's less deserving of a job in media? Those who resent the protection that keeps them employed in the first place, or those who can't do their own jobs without resorting to outside assistance? (i.e. "Hey readers, I'm interviewing ____________ in an hour. What should I ask him/her?")

As for the Senators, please view the following photo:



I'm not doing this again, goddammit. Fix your goaltending. Bolster your blueline. "Best players have got to be your best players." Just read the freaking archives, OK? Oh, but they made the playoffs? Success! I guess I'll just sit back and wait for You Know Who to insist that he's "schtaying the coursh." (Sorry.)


More later.

Seeing as TUC has had a lot of dictionary-related discussion over the past 24 hours, I figured it was fitting that I pass this on. From urbandictionary.com, it's the "Spezza Pass".

When a hockey player swings the puck with their stick behind their back in the hopes of making some incredible passing play to their team-mate, and it instead goes tape-to-tape on the stick of the opposing player who is heading the other way. Usually results in a goal against or at the very least a strong scoring opportunity where the goalie has to save the day.

Note: A fancy attempt of tilting your wrist in the wrong direction can only be referred to as a 'Spezza Pass' if it results in the other team getting some kind of scoring opportunity.

Announcer: "And here comes Spezza across the line looking for the pass . . . what . . . the . . . *BLEEP* Did you see that Spezza Pass! AND THERE GOES OVECHKIN THE OTHER WAY! IN ON GOAL..."

Congrats, Jason. You must be so proud. And despite all of his own current drama, Jacques Martin is surely rubbing his ears together with glee while shrieking, "See! I told ya! 'S all you need to know!"

(Rack bump to Steve Lloyd for the find.)

Ottawa head coach Cory Clouston in the post-practice scrum on the difficulty of shadowing players: "You used to be able to almost rape a guy."

How is this appropriate? Sens PR, we await your response. I hope it comes with an apology.

Credit to Dan Seguin's Twitter for this.

P.S.: And before anyone makes an "oversensitive" remark, you might want to take a look at your daughter, wife, sister or mother before you get back to me. Much obliged.

We also refer to them as the "taxi squad", but I prefer the old-school term. From the 2006 TUC archives: Enjoy. (Thanks again to Liam Maguire for his help with this.)

...because I have Steel Panther's Community Property stuck in my head. Don't. Trust me. Just...don't.


From the Twitter account of the Senators' PR rep, Phil Legault : "Young series is 2-1, yet pendulum of media desperation has swung again in the other direction."

Oh, dear.

First off, I'd like to meet the media who were initially ensconced on the other side of the fence, and I'd like to know how firm their convictions were. (Damn, I just made myself laugh.) I think everyone reserves the right to question many of the players on this club -- from the guy in the net, to the defence, to the ones on the top line. Have there been exceptions? Yes, of course. But not enough to convince me that this series will swing back into Ottawa's favour.

A couple of issues that have been irking me:

Have you ever noticed how the Senators are nearly incapable of setting the pace for the game? This stretches back to the days of Jacques Martin, which is frightening to consider. We saw some bright points after Bryan Murray began his initial coaching stint with the team, and his push for offensive aggression made it seem as if firewagon hockey had arrived in the capital. But this notion of chasing the game perpetually smacks Ottawa in the mouth when it matters most -- the playoffs. The opposition always seems to set the tone, be it physical, a trap game, speed-driven and so on. Even when the Sens have the lead, you often get the sense that they have trouble in the driver's seat.

My other quibble involves the rare and elusive Ottawa odd-man rush. Is it just me, or can you almost see the wheels turning in the players' heads when this happens? The reaction should be instinctive, but it appears to be anything but. I can almost hear Daniel Alfredsson calling out, "OK, boys: Now just like we do it in practice." News flash: If I can see them thinking about it from the perch on my couch, the opposing defence, and particularly the goaltender can view it from a mile away (hence the reason why nearly all of these rushes are easily stifled).

***

More Twitter bitching (twitching?) from yours truly. How hard is it for some media to get the hang of in-game tweeting? Case in point: I follow the Senators press box list, and unfortunately, the majority of it is a write-off. (Ed. note: Bite my tongue, bite my tongue...) I'm looking for quirky observations, injury updates, things happening in the building/box that I can't see otherwise, etc. I don't need to know the score at the end of the period, and who has the goals/assists. We already have services for that. (Sincerely, Marcus Allen - CBS Sports.) Oh, but you want to save your quirky observations for your column? Yeah, that's nice. Work more, watch more, talk to your co-workers about the hotel bar a lot less. I know, what a concept.

More later.

Let me preface all of this by saying, yes, Alyssa Milano is still attractive. However, the 2010 offerings for her sports clothing line, Touch, still leave a lot to be desired. Case in point: I'm pretty sure 99% of female sports fans have never thought the following...

"I'm a woman. I'm a sports fan. And I have a monumental urge to wear two 'P''s on my asscheeks, because dammit, I'm that big of a Phillies fan."

(Ed. note: Is it just me, or do they kind of look like eyes? Is this some sort of "don't stare at the ass, it'll just stare right back" trick?)

Want more? Go here. She almost had me with the Dodgers hoodie, and then I saw that gruesome sundress, circa 1985. Ack.

More later.

What are my arms doing on a blog from the Minneapolis Star Tribune? Come find out.

(Rack bump to Michael Rand for his generosity with textiles, Lifter Puller wisdom and for kicking so much ass.)

Here's RandBall backstage at the Bad Religion show in Vegas on the 26th of March. Bonus points for my crazed expression and looking like I'm missing a front tooth. Blame it on too much action in the pit...



More later.

Poor Daniel Alfredsson...you've got to feel for the old boy.

Sure, it looks like he's going back to the playoffs, but he knows in his mind that this is going to be an uphill battle -- even moreso than usual. He's done everything in his power to be a proper face for the Ottawa Senators (minus some snafus here and there than only his haters like to obsess about). The man even gets booed in his own building on a regular basis.

So if this season ends up being a disappointment, what harm would it do to start thinking about doing him a solid, and trading him to a contender so he can get the Cup he so richly deserves? Hell, there's nothing saying it has to happen at the beginning of the year -- $7 million next season is a lot for most teams to handle. But perhaps as the trade deadline nears next March, Alfie will be interested to re-think that no-movement clause. And when it's all done, he can be traded back (as Ottawa is filled to the brim with killer prospects) and have a nice shiny ring to show off when he picks up his takeout at Baton Rouge. Win-win for everyone, right?

Go ahead and chew on that. Memo to David Shoalts: You'd be obliged not to swallow.

From Ian Mendes's Twitter last night:

"(Alex) Kovalev on scoring OT goal to break 12-gm point drought: 'I didn't have a slump. That's what you guys call a slump. I'm just doing my best.'"

Oh, alrighty then. Nice to know his best involved sucking up air on the bench for 12 games, to the tune of $731,707 (give or take -- he also gets a stipend for hair products).

It's odd how things can trigger weird memories. Kovalev's latest offering made me think of this quote from the brutal 90's blockbuster, The Rock. I think it fits the bill. Take it away, Mr. Connery -- and mind the Velveeta (language NSFW):

Please note the following change: I am now known on Twitter as @erinnicks. The other account was lost, so if you wish to keep following, add the new name instead. Sorry for the inconvenience.

More later.

...because I have the "talking pillow."

It's rare for an incident involving Steve Downie to get lost in the NHL shuffle, but it seems like that's exactly what has happened over the past few days. In the midst of another round of Ovechkin-mania (involving his hit from behind on Chicago's Brian Campbell and subsequent two-game suspension), Downie's slew-foot on Sidney Crosby received nowhere near the same amount of attention -- and I wasn't the only one who noticed.

We can hypothesize that Downie's behaviour didn't garner as much outrage because Crosby emerged unscathed (whether that stands as a justifiable reason is a discussion for another time). But the incident itself got me to thinking about Vincent Lecavalier's harsh words for Matt Cooke after his head shot on Boston's Marc Savard.

In speaking with the media, Lecavalier said that "(Cooke's) been doing that his whole career. He’s been hurting a lot of guys."

You could definitely say the same thing about Lecavalier's own teammate, Steve Downie. Funny that.

One has to wonder what Vinny truly thinks about his fellow Bolt and his questionable behaviour. Things get complicated when you have to suit up next to the guy on a daily basis.

***

Hey, look: This dancing machine is going to duke it out with the Neckbeard for the starting QB position with the Denver Broncos next season. C'mon now, what have I done to deserve this? On the bright side, it led to Phil Simms's son getting the boot, but if you had told me two years ago that Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn were going to be my top two choices at quarterback, I would've suggested that you go fornicate yourself twice over. And I don't really give an arse that Brady and Josh McDaniels share a bond over the round mound of rage known as Charlie Weis. This whole New England thing is getting as bad as Bryan Murray's hometown boy obsession (and so far, just as effective). For the record, Brady completed only 53% of his passes last season, and Pat Bowlen has said that he would like to draft a passing QB next month.

Oh, you mean like Jay Cutler? I guess the point is moot if you have no one to throw to. Regardless of his talent, WR Brandon Marshall is out on his ass for multiple reasons, and we all know it. Sigh. What a hot mess.

More later.

Mall purchases, check. Spare tire, check. Dude in a hockey bag...um....

We've all done it: You're hanging out with friends, you have one too many rye and gingers, then you come up with the brilliant idea of attempting to stuff your smallest friend into a hockey bag.

And that's fine -- as long as you don't try to smuggle him across the border in such a fashion.

Two sisters from Virginia have been charged with alien smuggling after they attempted to bring a Haitian man into the U.S., via the Alexandria Bay border crossing.

Benjamin Pierre had initially entered the U.S. illegally in 2003. He was ordered deported in 2006, but fled to Canada before the American government had a chance to send him back to Haiti. He had been dating one of the sisters during this period and planned to marry her -- you know, assuming that they were able to get across the border. I don't think we'll be needing to register for that wedding at Pro Hockey Life any time soon.

As for Mr. Pierre, I hope the ladies had the decency to Febreze that thing out before he got in. Montreal to Alex Bay isn't a 15-minute car ride.

_________

Link: Border Police find man in hockey bag -- Watertown Daily Times

For all the talk about head shots in the game -- what's clean, what's not and so forth -- there's a highly relevant issue being overlooked.

How many NHLers are truly wearing their helmets correctly, in order to protect themselves from injury?

The most improperly used piece of equipment on the ice today isn't the referee's whistle; it's the chinstrap. Think of all the times we have seen a player get clocked and hit the ice at full throttle, only to have his helmet pop like a champagne cork. What good is head protection if it isn't there when you need it most?

Mark Messier is attempting to make strides with his M11 helmet, which is designed to prevent head injuries. But if a player refuses to wear it correctly, one has to wonder how much difference it will make in the grand scheme of things (assuming we remain at status quo).

Go ahead and chew on that. More later.

You never really know what you're going to find in your junk mail these days. Today's offering: A portrait on Linda Staal in a mini-magazine/advertisement for cheese. (No, really.)

Linda's feature included the prerequisite impish photo of her foursome in their younger days, and tales of how the boys used to go through three bags of milk -- that's 4 litres -- a day. (Confused by the "bagged milk" conundrum? Watch this.) The Staal matriarch also referenced making egg and cheddar sandwiches for her boys after school. Seems normal enough, right?

Then I turned the page.

The second part of the story included "Our guest's recipe." I've posted the page below:




Bananas, ricotta, chocolate and mozzarella? I wanted to run screaming from the room.

Now, as this is an advertisement, it's quite possible that Linda told the interviewer, "I used to make the boys chocolate chip pancakes with bananas," only to have some cheese honk modify the hell out of it. But if by chance this is a Staal recipe, you should know that I have never seen anything like it during my 19 years in the Lakehead. Something effed must be going on up at Mink Mountain, kids.

More later.

Bad things happen when you let your D thin out. The babyface is back for another go.

22-year-old Brian Lee was signed to an extension by the Senators today. Details of the deal have yet to emerge -- I'll update this post as soon as they come out. One would assume that it's got to be either a one-way contract, or a half-and-half (first year two-way, second year one-way). For the record, Lee has two goals and one assist in his 18 games with the big club this year.

So far, the informal reaction received by yours truly has been -- shall we say -- ambivalent. Some don't know whether to start drinking now to numb the pain, or head directly for the shower rod and get it over with. Ack.

P.S.: Top comment so far from the HFBoards: "This might be a buffer in case we lose (Anton) Volchenkov." Where's a big freaking gong when you need one?

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: The Team 1200 is reporting that the deal is indeed one-way. No terms yet, though. Also, a request from reader Ryan B. for a popular TUC "Brian Lee" photo shall now be fulfilled. Here ya go:




UPDATE #2: According to ESPN's Pierre LeBrun, the deal is for $1.75 million over the two years.

All microblogging, all the time...or at least for part of it. Click here to follow along. Come for the freak, stay for the food.

(P.S.: There will be no food.)

An incredible aural experience, taped from across False Creek. The big moment happens at 1:20, but it's worth watching the entire video, as you can hear Cuthbert's call and the chants for Roberto Luongo.




(Rack bump to Elliot P. for the find.)

Filip Kuba. Erik Karlsson. Matt Carkner. Brian Lee. Chris Campoli. Chris Phillips.

These are your other defencemen as of today. Feel confident? Yeah, I know. Me too.

I know what the rumour mill is churning out, and I find it exceedingly hard to believe. If the Senators are to be taken seriously by their fans, they need to not only make the playoffs, but at least make their presence known in the first round, win or lose. After that, they're likely playing with house money.

1) How does anyone expect them to do that without one of their best stay-at-home defencemen and 2)How do you expect the Senators to get back fair value for a UFA? It never works that way, kids.

Bryan Murray is going to be forced to hash this out until July 1st. Not doing so hurts his team too much, both in the short and long term. He said he's not going to do it -- we'll have to take him at his word for the next 25 hours and change.

More later.

P.S.: You can now add Andy Sutton to the list, as he was traded to Ottawa for a second-round pick (previously owned by the Sharks). Ooh, I'm tingling.

When I think back on the last 17 days in Vancouver, there was one athlete who resonated with me the most, and it is Olympic women's bronze medalist, Joannie Rochette.

Sure, I can be happy for the hockey players -- both male and female. I can get into snowboarding, ski cross and bobsled for a while. But I'll never understand what their Olympic experience was really like.

Granted, I've never been an figure skater, either. But I was -- and still am -- a dancer, and like Joannie, I lost my mother before the biggest competition of my life.

Skating moms and dance moms are very similar. They're the glue that holds the whole operation together. They work two jobs so you can afford your lessons, they fund-raise for the trips for out-of-town competitions and events. They're the ones who sew your first costumes, and they're always the first to embrace you with a bone-cracking hug, win or lose.

I heard so many people ask, "How can she go out there after such a tragedy?" Speaking from experience, it really was the best thing for her to do. Many people will say, "It's what her mother would have wanted." It's probably true, but there's more to it than that. To continue with her day-to-day life, albeit during a period that included an Olympic performance, was the likely the easiest thing for her brain to handle at that time. She had literally prepped for years, it's what she was expecting to do. Performing for an audience, regardless of whether it involves competition, brings an awesome sense of peace to the mind. It's one of those rare times where you don't have to think -- you just do. I know for me when I performed that day, those few precious minutes allowed my headspace to free itself from what had just happened. As soon as I stopped, it all flooded back, and I know it did for Joannie, as well. The reaction after her short program obviously spoke volumes.

To understand the fog you're in, and to comprehend that your strongest supporter is never going to be there for you any more takes some time to grasp. You just have to do it, and get through it. As for bravery: I don't have the ego to admit to that, but I sure as hell think Joannie Rochette has got it, and then some. I'll always feel special about her bronze medal win, because although it was steeped in tragedy, it gave me an Olympic moment that I could truly relate to.

More later.