The Universal Cynic

Generations of Kings fans across the street from Staples Center, at L.A. Live. I also saw some extremely novice skaters texting on a packed rink. If that's not SoCal, I don't know what is.

Welcome to 2010, Cynics. This month marks the fourth anniversary of the blog (ack). If you're old-school, thanks for sticking around. Neophytes, continue to come around and make your presence known. There's a lot to cover, so let's go quick hit style, shall we?

* Mike Fisher's impending nuptials to Carrie Underwood got absolutely no play on ESPN -- interpret how you wish. However, Brett Favre's brouhaha with Brad Childress regarding his attempted removal during the Carolina game? 5 goddamned days of coverage -- and none of it new. Also, no one at ESPN is allowed to express any opinion about the NFL without deferring to Adam Schefter first. Imagine Bob MacKenzie sitting on the set of TSN while wearing a papal mitre. That's what it was like.

* More on the mighty No. 12: If you're a Senators fan who's upset about him not making the cut for the Olympics, you should shake yourself. Remember what happened to a certain Czech goaltender of yore when he played for Ottawa? Fisher is one of the club's biggest offensive threats right now (Christ, I can't believe I'm typing that) and any additional play -- regardless of importance -- only affords more chances for injury. It's not like he's prone to getting hurt, right? Right?

* News flash: At this point in time, L.A. Kings fans are better than the vast majority of Senators fans. Why? Oh, I don't know -- it's the little things. Things like everyone standing up and cheering when a goal is scored, and having people stay to watch when the good guys are a goal behind in the third (as opposed to running for their cars). Last time I checked, Los Angeles traffic was far worse than anything coming out of Kanata.

* I don't know what Kings fans are going to think of this (I was hesitant to bring it up to Hetson when I saw him) but Jonathan Quick sometimes reminds me of the Manatee, Martin Gerber. His positioning isn't always the greatest, and he's fluid as opposed to maintaining sharp movement. However, he makes up for it by having a strong glove hand and some of the best flexibility I've seen since Dominik Hasek. It also doesn't hurt that he's got some young, mobile defence in front of him. I was so pumped to hear that Drew Doughty made the Olympic team -- the kid truly is something special, and his finesse with the puck continues to improve. He's going to have an amazing career in front of him.

* On the WJC front: Why is everyone so surprised by the disappointing play of Senators prospect D Jared Cowen? Sure, the kid started off the season well, but he's been unbelievably subpar for the Spokane Chiefs in the past few months -- poor mobility (as has been stated in Saskatoon) and he's become the master of bonehead penalties. Pay attention to your own, kids, regardless of where they are right now. It doesn't begin and end with the O and Q. (And yes, I know there's still plenty of time for him to repair his game. That wasn't the point of this rant.)

* Watching Switzerland goaltender Benjamin Conz is hilarious. The kid gets so deep in the net, his ass is practically touching the back of the cage. Perhaps playing so far inward wasn't just a Gerber thing -- maybe it's a Swiss thing.

Anyway, there's more on the way, including my detailed thoughts on what's really going wrong at SBP. But for right now, I'll leave you with two musical interludes. First, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' Hardcore Medley (tracks 2,3 and 4) which pairs nicely with a 90 mph jaunt down the 405 through Orange County. Bringing up the rear is Fugazi's KYEO -- a song I tend to sing (and bugger the hell out of) when I'm lit up. Happy New Year, everyone. More to come -- stay tuned....

P.S.: As promised, I'm back on Twitter, so feel free to bug me over there as well.

* After sending a text to Bad Religion's Greg Hetson, warning him that Ottawa could put him to sleep at the Staples Center: "Thanks -- I'll bring a book." (Ed. Note: The game was actually better than expected.)

* Gord Miller: "Remember, Ottawa no longer has their swingman in Christoph Schubert."
Pierre: "Excellent point, Gord. Schubert was very valuable as their swingman."

The Driver: "Pfft...valuable at swinging the door open to the press box."

A bit muddled, but the point was made.

* Chris Phillips isn't going to win any awards for his acting skills. What a brutal dive by the veteran in the second half of the third.

* Pierre on Brian Elliott's frustration after the sixth goal: "Whenever you start hitting inanimate objects with your stick, that's a whole lot of ugly."

The Driver: "If that's the case, (Elliott) should've hit (Matt) Carkner."

For the record, The Driver has been on Wayne Simmonds's bandwagon for some time. I think a team with Fisher (with country/American-Idol-hybrid-music-offensive-firepower) and Simmonds would send him into a seizure. You know -- the good kind.

P.S.: So amusing to see the east coast crowd stand up and take notice that the Kings are a fun team to watch, and they're actually talented. Thanks for joining us in 2009, Mensas. Consider springing for Centre Ice sometime -- it's a lovely tonic to boost you out of the Eastern Conference coma.

The Kings' Rob Scuderi must've decided it was Nadia Comaneci Night at Staples Center. First to experience the Pretzel Test: Jason Chimera of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Here are some stills from Scuderi's low hit (Warning: somewhat cringe-worthy). FYI: No penalty was assessed on the hit, and Chimera received a 10-minute misconduct (and a fair amount of stitches due to extreme ice exfoliation).

Full disclosure: There are few things that I despise more than predictions (the only exception might be fantasy hockey -- learn to get down like a [wo]man, or bugger off). And so, as a middle finger response to all the visionary number-crunching nerds out there, may I happily present TUC's first-ever NHL prediction post. For the record, if you take this seriously, you need to go play in traffic, or contract food poisoning from a subpar sushi restaurant. Let's begin, shall we?

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* The Toronto Maple Leafs make the playoffs, and the hysteria overwhelms the GTA. The Toronto Sun begs the girlfriend of Jonas Gustavsson to pose as a Sunshine Girl. She responds by hurling Ikea Allen keys at the windows of the paper's office, leading the tabloid to dub her, "The Swedish Shrew."

* Frustrated after going 14 games without a goal, Columbus Blue Jackets forward Antoine Vermette accidentally drops an "este" during a post-game interview. The Quebecois swear becomes the hot new buzzword in Columbus, and the Ohio State Marching Band begins to spell it out on the field during football games, in their traditional cursive script.

* Following a last-minute change of plans, Calgary's Dion Phaneuf replaces Zdeno Chara in ESPN's "The Body Issue" magazine. Immediately after its release, Pierre McGuire is hospitalized after undergoing multiple fainting episodes.

* The L.A. Kings bring Wayne Gretzky back into the fold, to serve as their "Minister of Excellence." Pranksters celebrate his return by welding a Diet Coke can into the glove of his statue outside of the Staples Center.

* Filip Kuba becomes the No. 1 target of the Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan. Frustrated after practice, Kuba searches for the closest thing to hurl at the writer. Unfortunately, his object of choice is Erik Karlsson.

* A mascot scandal hits the media, when photographs of a highly sexual nature featuring the Leafs' Carlton the Bear and the Habs' Youppi. Leafs fans are discouraged to discover that Carlton, is indeed, a bottom.

* Exasperated by the claims that Pascal Leclaire is the best goaltender in Sens' modern history, Dominik Hasek returns to Ottawa to settle the score. Catching Leclaire in an off-guard moment, Hasek doffs his infamous neck towel, and proceeds to wet-snap Pascal into oblivion. Bryan Murray, clearly intimidated, hires Hasek immediately as Ottawa's No. 1 goaltender. Meanwhile, back-up Brian Elliott chooses to drown his sorrows in hair products.

* And finally, Montreal head coach Jacques Martin enters Ottawa's good graces once more, in a completely unexpected fashion. During a Habs game vs. San Jose, Martin permanently blinds Dany Heatley in one eye, after the winger accidentally catches a megawatt glint off of Martin's solid-gold "400 WINS" cufflinks*.

Naturally, if any of these predictions come to pass, I expect all of you to encourage TSN to hire me, stat.

More later.

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* For the record, the cufflinks do exist.

Boo Boo, keen never to disappoint, goes yard in his determination to be recognized as first on the case, even when it's being shot down by larger media and GMs. From Bruce Garrioch's column, published early this morning:

"While Senators GM Bryan Murray vehemently denied it, ESPN.com reported the club had completed a three-way deal — first reported by Sun Media — that would see centre Patrick Marleau go from the Sharks to the Kings, while forwards Alexander Frolov and Jarret Stoll would go from Los Angeles to Ottawa and Heatley wind up in San Jose."

For the record, John Buccigross took quite a bit on the blogs and Twitter last night by claiming that the three-way deal was done (Patrick Marleau to the Kings, Heatley to the Sharks and Jarret Stoll and Alexander Frolov to the Sens).

Don't get me wrong, if this trade somehow becomes reality, I'll be the first to give both men credit. (I guess I should probably congratulate Garrioch first, otherwise he might get pissed.) But when the most reputable of people spent the majority of last night denying the rumour, would you really want to get out there right now and proudly insist that you were the first to be incorrect?

More later.

...because we were just as weirded out as you to see Roy Mlakar's twin make out with Gretchen on Prison Break last week.

Excuse the general indifference and hodge-podge nature of the recent posts, but the Senators are having a difficult time holding my attention lately. Non-storylines of note include a so-called goaltending controversy between two men who will never be considered true No. 1 backstoppers, Alex Auld's 1.84 GAA, The Demi-Deity's so-called resurrection (Ed. Note: Pffft.) and name suggestions for the Winchester-Fisher-Alfredsson line. (By the way -- the JAM line? What the Christ is that all about? Last time I checked, No. 11's full name wasn't Alfie Alfredsson. Please try again.) Sigh. I'm just not feeling it. That being said, a few things have caught my eye over the past few days...

It appears that Ottawa continues to struggle with discovering its identity, and I'm not just talking about during play. "Team Honk" Stu (I refuse to call him "Stuntman" because he hasn't done anything noteworthy in that department in ages) has initiated a new gimmick after goals for the home team. He announces the player's first name, then goes silent, allowing the crowd to yell out the surname. Cute, I guess, but apparently the capital can only handle one or two syllables at a time. Anything more than that ("Volchenkov", for example), and the fans begin to sound like a TTC subway stop announcer.

A partial step forward? Sure, but it wouldn't be the Sens if it weren't accompanied by the inevitable two steps back. After Antoine Vermette's non-goal vs. Philly last Thursday, the Sens' audio department kicked in with Pennywise's Bro Hymn. For the uninitiated, this song is generally recognized as Anaheim's goal song. Other teams play it occasionally, but the Ducks use it relentlessly. Pennywise even performed at the Ducks' Stanley Cup celebration where the SoCal team celebrated their victory over...who again? Oh, that's right. Ottawa.

Why would you want to play a song so strongly associated with the one team that a) stood in your way of hoisting the Cup and b) continues to kick your ass on a regular basis? Just saying.

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The St. Louis-L.A. game on Saturday caught me off-guard for a couple of reasons: It was in HD, and it was shot using the rinkside format. The "inside the boards" sensation this broadcast provides won me over last season, but now I have one quibble: I wish they'd switch to a traditional angle when the play is in the neutral zone, a la the NFL. It would make it easier to follow the play, and it's a little easier on the eyes. And for the record, I think Jim Fox could do with another dressing-down from Bryan Murray in order to shock him into silence. Dude never shuts up.

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Finally, this weekend's Quality Moment: Thank God The Driver had the good sense to record this for me, because I would've been devastated if I missed it. Here's Garry Galley hitting an unintentional comedic home run during an interview with the Canes' Brandon Sutter. The turning itself is funny, but it's ratcheted up a million notches by the fact that he's asking a question in the process. Don't take my word for it -- check out this quick and dirty footage. TUC HQ has watched this at least 20 times in the last 24 hours, and the law of diminishing returns has yet to apply.




More later.

From today's Sun:

According to insiders, Ottawa would trade netminder Martin Gerber and defenceman Andrej Meszaros to Los Angeles, the Kings would move 20-year-old centre Anze Kopitar to Chicago and the Blackhawks would propel goalie Nikolai Khabibulin and either of young blueliners Brent Seabrook or Cam Barker to the Senators.

On the surface, it seems the deal could be a rare win-win-win.

I know the mindset's a bit different in SoCal, but I've got to think there's no way in hell L.A. is giving up Kopitar, especially for that tandem. Kopitar is part of the young core that the Kings want to build around. Yes, it's true that they're looking for a puck-moving defenceman and a proper No. 1 goaltender. But who wants to settle for Andrej Meszaros as their premier offensive blueliner, and a mid-level-at-best goaltender on last year of his contract? Don't worry, I see you working: You think it doesn't matter, because The Manatee's overall performance would indicate that a paycut is coming after next season, and that L.A. could re-sign him for cheap, if they wanted to. Only thing is, L.A.'s got money to burn -- 27 million and change for 2008-09 alone (according to NHLSCAP). In short, if they want a big name in net, they've got the cash to pay him.

L.A. is a craptastic team right now, but they've got a couple of talented young pieces in place to build upon. Why would they hand them over for the NHL's equivalent of two Hollywood C-listers?

P.S. Sherry concurs. Hurrah for Ottawa blogger rage!

(Ed. Note: The following photos are large files, intended to give you a much closer look if you click on them.)

Seeing as that some teams aren't worth discussing right now, the time seems about right for TUC's breakdown of our trip to SoCal.

As stated earlier, The Driver and I took in a game at Staples Center -- Stars v. Kings. It was an afternoon game, which was fine by us as we were coming in from San Diego and didn't want to deal with traffic.



This was around the "front" of the arena. *snicker*



It seems like everything inside the building is purple, or purple-hued, which must make the Clippers feel like crap (sorry, the AFL and WNBA aren't worth referencing).


The arena itself is difficult to describe -- it's a tall building, but the sections of seats don't seem that big (this might have to do with the fact that there are three levels of suites going around the middle of the place like a very expensive belt). I took a peek around various points of the ice and the sightlines were fantastic. You'll also note that the retired jerseys are not hung from different spots on the roof, but instead are displayed all on one side of the ice.







During the St. Louis game here in Ottawa, The Driver and I were complaining about the quality of SBP's scoreboard (which has already been "improved" since the building opened). You can't make out anything on it -- basically it's like watching A-Channel. Now take a look at the pics below (by the way, I was making a similar face after discovering the score of the Sens-Bruins game):





I was sitting on a level called "Premier" -- if you've been to see the Wild play, it's similar to their Club Level. It's a restricted area with restaurants, a carpeted concourse, bigger bathrooms, etc. It's a great setup, although to be fair, the regular concourse itself was pretty fabulous -- with a monstrous team shop that blew Sensations out of the water (both in selection and prices). I wanted to take a photo of the store, but it was a madhouse in there. Our seats were situated just above the 100 level. There were only two seats to each row (excellent idea) and included in-seat food and beverage service (yes, sushi was on the menu). Here's some views from where we were sitting:






Here's a shot of the little signs that the ushers hold up during the game. No, I'm not kidding.




Now here's where it really becomes apparent that Senators fans are getting the short end of the stick -- let's talk about food selection. Here's what 23 USD (including tax) gets you at Staples Center:



We picked up these sandwiches at the Buss Stop (an eatery which may have been named by a Sun Media editor -- just a guess*). The Driver got a turkey and swiss sandwich; I went with a vegetable one on a croissant. Everything is prepped in front of you -- fresh, generous and surprisingly delicious. I hesitate to call hot (real) turkey fast food, but if you're going to eat on the quick at a game, this is the way to do it. And to top it all off? Plenty of tables and chairs to relax in. No hovering over counters and condiment kiosks here.

As for the game itself -- I won't lie, it wasn't a lot to write home about. As I was telling some of you earlier today, the Senators currently resemble the Kings in a lot of ways: The disorganized defence, the lack of shots on goal (it took L.A. nearly 15 minutes to get a SOG in the second period), the overpaid "elite" defenceman collecting his cash and playing out the string, the overcommitment by the goaltenders (Ersberg got yanked)...do I need to go on? High point of the game came when Marc Crawford made the utterly baffling decision to put Raitis Ivanans out during a power play, apparently to fight Steve Ott. Methinks it's about time Paulie Walnuts was put out to pasture. All that being said, the fans that were there definitely gave a (expletive) about the game -- a very high percentage were wearing Kings gear as well.

And here's a side note: You can add Kings mascot Bailey the lion to the list of NHL names beginning with "B" that I've nearly bowled over (other members of the club include Commissioner Gary Bettman and CBC announcer Bob Cole). We were in the process of opening an entrance to the main concourse when all of a sudden Bailey came barreling through it (he was on his way to the ice in an apparent hurry). It's the first time I've seen a mascot do a double take. He definitely wasn't expecting anyone to be behind that door.



Oh, and in case you were curious:

Tickets: $130 (included parking)
Food: $23
Two t-shirts (one chick-style longsleeve): $40 (seriously)
In-seat snacks and drinks: ~$20
Number of times Trooper was played: 0

In short, it was the best hockey experience I've had in 3 years...and the one before that came in Minnesota when we saw the Wild play Phoenix.

So what does that tell you?

Next up: Hockey Night in La Jolla.

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*That's a joke, Ottawa. Calm yourselves.

The idea of leaving happy, sunny SoCal and returning to the land of passive-aggressive, malicious Ottawans does not sit well with TUC's crew. But alas, to the capital we must return on Monday night. Sigh. We took in some great beer league hockey in La Jolla this afternoon (more on that when we get back) as well as the Kings game from Saturday that'll come with plenty of photos. Our synopsis from the L.A. game: Contrary to popular belief, SoCals know how to do hockey...and they do it with far more panache than any Sens fan has experienced.

An interesting tidbit from Saturday: We were listening to the Kings post-game show (yes, they have one) and the subject of defence came up. The hosts were very hot on Wade Redden -- referring to him as a blue-chip UFA and an elite superstar...basically they think he's a pseudo-deity with chiseled cheekbones. Another interesting side note: Kings fans are jacked up about the draft -- and they know plenty about Steven Stamkos. There's a surprisingly positive vibe around this team despite its current woes, and it's really nice to see.

Unfortunately, that's it for us from California. We'll see you back in Ottawa late Tuesday (Wednesday if our punk ass is jet-lagged).

People with too much time on their hands in Boston's hotels for the well-heeled apparently can't take a hint -- don't you have a franchise to salvage? Aren't you on deadline?

On the docket today: Stars-Kings at Staples Center. I'm so amped up to watch a live game that has absolutely nothing to do with the Eastern Conference or the Senators.

More later.

There's a sigh of relief over the fact that your team won't be facing Jason Labarbera in net tonight.

You'd think with so much in the NHL coming down to the wire, fans would be caught up in potential playoff races -- not so in Vancouver, at least, not tonight apparently. There's speculation that Vancouver fans are chomping at the bit to let D Jack Johnson have it during this evening's matchup vs. the Kings.

The reason? Johnson was the one that laid an elbow to the face of Canada's Steve Downie during the 2006 World Junior Championships, which took place in Vancouver. The belief is that a lot of bitterness remains towards L.A.'s new rookie out west.

Seriously?

Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not condoning cracks to the face with an elbow joint, but aren't we reaching a bit much? Sure, this is the scene of the crime (for lack of a better phrase), but what other connections are there? Downie isn't a Canucks prospect -- he was drafted by the Flyers (2005 -- 29th overall). I also don't think it's a stretch to say that Downie is hardly the most sympathetic of figures. Personally, my support for Team Canada's Junior Team has cooled considerably since his arrival, and I know of many others with a staunch dislike of Downie, despite their support for Team Canada.

If this is the way Vancouver fans feel, obviously there isn't anything that can be done. I just find it pointless to remain bitter over an event with players that they have no connection to, with the exception of the city where said incident occurred.

In case you missed it, here's the Mad TV appearance featuring Tom Kostopoulos, Sean Avery and Scott Thornton that aired over the weekend.