The Universal Cynic

...because Cynics don't like people who say "jou-jou".


S'up TEETH?!

· Unfortunately, I don't really write about golf because a) I don't have time to get to it after I hit on everything else and b) I suck at it -- my swing's a combination of Charles Barkley and the Bionic Woman. That being said, it doesn't mean that I don't care about it. I've followed Mike Weir's career since he was "Mike Weir, Esquire". I can even tell you where I was when he won the Masters: I was on my way to Vegas and had just passed through customs. When I got word, I was tripping out so badly that The Driver thought U.S. Homeland Security was going to give me the boot.

Anyway, I was just as happy to see Stephen Ames pull through at The Players Championship yesterday. But this piece from James Duthie irked me a bit:

But we all know that when he's in contention, almost every Canadian golf fan roots wildly for Mike Weir.

And why not?

He's the little Canadian that could. A wannabe hockey player, just like you!
A grinder who won the freakin' Masters!

Weirsy is your boy!

So when he tripled The Fourth, I bet more than a few of you flipped over to March Madness.

And Stephen Ames?


Well…sure…you were politely clapping for him, too. Hey, anytime the Canadian flag is on top of the leader board, it looks pretty cool.

But c'mon, Stephen Ames? He's…not really Canadian…right? I mean geez, he's from Trinidad and Tobago, and only moved to Canada because his wife's from here. No way he ever played hockey.

This is what we do sometimes in our country. We grade people on how Canadian they really are.

I'm not going to disagree with the main analysis. But truthfully, how Canadian is Mike Weir? The Boy from Bright's Grove has lived in UTAH for years -- he even went to BYU. Stephen Ames willingly became a resident of this country. And who doesn't love Ames' personality? Mike Weir (whom I also adore) maintains that sheepish persona that is so often attributed to Canadians. Ames is emotional. He's candid. He's playful. In short, he's good for golf...especially Canadian golf.

(Aside -- Ames also looks exactly like a ventriloquist from The Ed Sullivan Show whose name escapes me right now. I'll probably scream it out in the middle of the night, and The Driver will think I'm cheating on him.)

· What a shock: Toronto doesn't like the idea of Hockey Night in Canada being moved to another network. I don't understand what the big deal is. Other networks would still maintain a Torontocentric mentality, but also possess the financial ability to broadcast regionally and/or nationally with shorter notice for scheduling changes. That's the excuse we were given for the lack of regional broadcasting in regards to the Buffalo-Ottawa game two weeks ago, correct? Strangely enough, I also received several emails from American residents living close to the border, who claim that HNIC is their only refuge from horrific American broadcasting, and that they don't have access to TSN and Sportsnet with their cable packages. I wish there were actual numbers available to give us an idea of how many Americans this situation applies to. Regardless, I can tell you that when I was still living in the land of Staalapalooza™, TSN was a long time coming on basic cable. I shirked the tradition of HNIC, choosing instead to watch the local Detroit affiliate's coverage of the Red Wings. I wonder how they're going to respond to that revelation?

The style of camerawork, replays etc. on Canadian other networks is at the very least on par with the CBC. It's only one night of hockey a week we're talking about. Get over it.

Besides, I think everyone at the CBC is catching Bob Cole's cryogenic fever (yes, I know that's an oxymoron...go with it). When Edmonton missed an empty-net goal with the shot ringing off the post last Saturday, Greg Millen dropped this bomb: "There's something I've never seen in a long time."

Whew...I'm torched. More tomorrow.