The Universal Cynic

Disgusting, utter garbage. That's what I saw last night.

All the incessant goobering over Demi-Deity Fisher and Jesse Winchester didn't do a lick of good, now did it? It's the Canadiens, boys. Not cold fusion. As for Alfie -- can you have a Samson effect after a moustache removal? He looked like hell.

And the defence? Take a hint from Babyface Lee: If you have a 5 in your number, I want to see the back of you on a bus to Bingo. Defensive liabilities are one thing -- Joe Corvo was a liability. But dude could also QB a power play. Picard and Schubert are playing like AHL-level albatrosses and they contribute jack. Oh, and let's all continue to pretend that having Chris Phillips on the PP is normal and shouldn't be questioned. He'll contribute offensively! He won't get burnt out by the additional workload...why would he? It's Hartsburg's world, kids. We're just living in it.

As for Ruutu: The hit was one thing, and will likely make the rounds on the media circuit within the next 24 hours. However, it was his antics after he was tossed that really put me over the edge. All that gesturing and waving to the crowd was beyond bush league and exceedingly inappropriate, especially when you consider the Sens were down 3-0 at that point. The organization should be incredibly embarrassed by such an incident, but seeing how oblivious they've been to everything else these days, I'm sure they will interpret it as a lighthearted moment. Good times.

You're doing a bang-up job, boys. Keep it up.

...because we were just as weirded out as you to see Roy Mlakar's twin make out with Gretchen on Prison Break last week.

Excuse the general indifference and hodge-podge nature of the recent posts, but the Senators are having a difficult time holding my attention lately. Non-storylines of note include a so-called goaltending controversy between two men who will never be considered true No. 1 backstoppers, Alex Auld's 1.84 GAA, The Demi-Deity's so-called resurrection (Ed. Note: Pffft.) and name suggestions for the Winchester-Fisher-Alfredsson line. (By the way -- the JAM line? What the Christ is that all about? Last time I checked, No. 11's full name wasn't Alfie Alfredsson. Please try again.) Sigh. I'm just not feeling it. That being said, a few things have caught my eye over the past few days...

It appears that Ottawa continues to struggle with discovering its identity, and I'm not just talking about during play. "Team Honk" Stu (I refuse to call him "Stuntman" because he hasn't done anything noteworthy in that department in ages) has initiated a new gimmick after goals for the home team. He announces the player's first name, then goes silent, allowing the crowd to yell out the surname. Cute, I guess, but apparently the capital can only handle one or two syllables at a time. Anything more than that ("Volchenkov", for example), and the fans begin to sound like a TTC subway stop announcer.

A partial step forward? Sure, but it wouldn't be the Sens if it weren't accompanied by the inevitable two steps back. After Antoine Vermette's non-goal vs. Philly last Thursday, the Sens' audio department kicked in with Pennywise's Bro Hymn. For the uninitiated, this song is generally recognized as Anaheim's goal song. Other teams play it occasionally, but the Ducks use it relentlessly. Pennywise even performed at the Ducks' Stanley Cup celebration where the SoCal team celebrated their victory over...who again? Oh, that's right. Ottawa.

Why would you want to play a song so strongly associated with the one team that a) stood in your way of hoisting the Cup and b) continues to kick your ass on a regular basis? Just saying.

***

The St. Louis-L.A. game on Saturday caught me off-guard for a couple of reasons: It was in HD, and it was shot using the rinkside format. The "inside the boards" sensation this broadcast provides won me over last season, but now I have one quibble: I wish they'd switch to a traditional angle when the play is in the neutral zone, a la the NFL. It would make it easier to follow the play, and it's a little easier on the eyes. And for the record, I think Jim Fox could do with another dressing-down from Bryan Murray in order to shock him into silence. Dude never shuts up.

***

Finally, this weekend's Quality Moment: Thank God The Driver had the good sense to record this for me, because I would've been devastated if I missed it. Here's Garry Galley hitting an unintentional comedic home run during an interview with the Canes' Brandon Sutter. The turning itself is funny, but it's ratcheted up a million notches by the fact that he's asking a question in the process. Don't take my word for it -- check out this quick and dirty footage. TUC HQ has watched this at least 20 times in the last 24 hours, and the law of diminishing returns has yet to apply.




More later.

Who's up for purchasing merch sight unseen on this fabulous Monday? According to their website, that's what the Sens want you to do. The above photo is accompanied by the following blurb on the team page:

Your Senators are Back in Black this November when they face the New York Rangers on November 22 at 3pm. Great seats are still available - visit capitaltickets.ca to get yours today and be the first to see the Sens hit the ice in BLACK!

Pre-order your Black jersey before November 21st and receive an RBK Hockey hat with your order!


Um...and?

I don't know about you, but I kind of like to know what I'm ordering before I throw my cash down. Naturally the jersey doesn't appear on the Sens' online store or at shop.nhl.com. And sure, I get that they're trying to be stealth about it, but give me a break. We all know the team is going to ice this happy crap on the 22nd. It still doesn't change the fact that they're trying to push something without full and proper knowledge of the product.

And now, your bonus bit...

Being forced to watch the Leafs-Rangers game on Saturday reunited us with our old frenemy, Perry Pearn. I wasn't that fond of Pearn's work when he worked under the Toby Jug, but you may have noticed a lot of verbal humping going on during the Rangers' PK. It came with good reason -- the aggressive forecheck that the Rangers' D uses at their blueline during penalty kills is extremely effective. Yes, they lost to the Leafs that night, but check the scoreboard -- all of Toronto's goals were scored during 5-on-5 play.

More later.

Adam Mair runs the joke store at HSBC arena. And for the record, did Phil Legault honestly think he could break this up if it got hectic?

Apologies for the lack of a Deglaze -- I've temporarily been placed on the IR and it's taken up more time than I had planned. Let's press forward with a couple of quick hits, shall we?

* Tonight's win against Buffalo was a nice first step, but I'll reserve judgment (ahem) until a proper turnaround occurs. And I know the last big U-turn two seasons ago began with the exact same opponent, but that was then, and this is now. I will give the Sens credit for showing some hustle, and watching Auld flash the leather a few times was great to see. By the way, how about that "Battle of The Nice Guys" in Auld vs. Lalime? I love the calm that both have brought to the dressing room during their time here, but they hardly give off the vibe of vicious competitors. They seem like they'd be more at home sitting at centre ice, sharing a plate of orange slices (of course, Alex would bring the Persians because he's good like that).

* For the record, the Cynic in me is convinced the team decided to show up tonight because they know they have to face The Man tomorrow. Does Giggles deserve a pony ride for his two goals this evening? Bank says he gets on the damned thing backwards. And by the way, a win did nothing to slow the "nuke 18 and 45" text messages on my cell phone tonight.

* Good to see that Mike Fisher is taking some online, but Antoine Vermette continues to skate (and not much else). What gives? I was told Mike Eastwood was giving it to him on the Team 1200 recently -- hopefully the knives don't take too long to come out. I've always been one of Vermette's strongest supporters, because I appreciated the speed and two-way finesse game he brought. Yes, he's soft, but how many freaking non-scoring "energy" guys does one team need? Problem is, he's been unable to find the back of the net, and for a team lacking in secondary scoring for some time now, that just won't do. People can talk about trading Mike Fisher all they want, but his no-movement clause runs through 2010-11. Furthermore, who wants to pick up a non-scoring, injury prone player with a lengthy contract? Vermette's issues can be excused, simply by implementing a "change in environment". Long story short -- if you dangle anyone, he's the guy. Except...

* After all the moves Bryan Murray has made lately, do you trust him to do the right thing?

* Finally, The Quality Moment Of The Evening: The Driver and I were heading home during the first period -- Dean and Gord were doing the call. I didn't hear who he was talking about (pretty positive it was a Buffalo player), but all of a sudden Dean said something to the effect of, "...and he looks like he just took an off-season course in equine artificial insemination...", when the feed abruptly went dead. That morning show gets away with murder, but Dean makes a crack about impregnating horses, and he gets taken out with the big white cane.*

More later.

_________________

*Dude, I know it was one hell of a coincidence. Damn funny one, though.

Yeah, go ahead and act like you don't see it. Credit to The Driver for coming up with this one during last night's game. I laughed so hard, I think I actually slapped my knee at one point.

Let's just put this out there...

What do you do when the following situations occur in rapid-fire succession:

1) Your No. 1 goaltender loses his confidence;

2) Your defence doesn't trust said goaltender to make the stops;

3) The goaltender doesn't trust said defence to bail him out on occasion;

4) Your coach insists on naming the starting goaltenders well in advance, negating any logical reasoning behind a switch if necessary;

5) Your arena's boards qualify as a top-four blueliner;

6) Your team's goalie coach is suddenly nowhere to be found;

7) Your coach's poor decision-making has already accelerated the fans' unrest?



More later.

Babyface Lee is being sent back to Bingo, which frankly is the best thing for him right now. And in a case of extremes, 106-year-old Luke Richardson will be replacing the zygote on the blueline. Good times.

Let's see a show of hands: Who assumed that Filip Kuba's size automatically indicated that he should be a physical player?

Or maybe here's a better question...

If we're going to go after big defencemen who really should be expected to play tougher, why don't we put Chris Phillips in the crosshairs?

News flash: Not all blueliners are built alike, and those who can't afford Chris Pronger tend to keep their defensive grit at home. Kuba was brought here for puck movement and offensive contributions. Was anyone really expecting anything else? (Insert Marcus Allen riff here.)

More later.

Is this some kind of (expletive)-up joke?

When The Driver texted me the new line combos this aft, it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. For the record, here's what the coach is proposing:

Dany Heatley-Mike Fisher-Daniel Alfredsson
Nick Foligno-Jason Spezza-Jesse Winchester
Antoine Vermette-Chris Kelly-Jarkko Ruutu

The fourth line is supposed to be some melange of Schubert, McAmmond, Donovan and/or Neil. As if it freaking matters.

According to the Sun, the reasons behind this madness will be magically revealed later today. Personally, I'm expecting something along the lines of, "Well, me and the hat rack in my office talked it over and..."

You're putting the fallen idol on the top line? Woman, are you kidding me? What made you think that was a bank idea? His point scoring streak? The fact that he talks to his groin on the bench as opposed to his teammates? ("Please don't snap on me now -- I promise I'll take you to Cora's after church on Sunday...April 89's on me, buddy!") Oh, and look what we have going on the second line: "Fisher-Prototype-For-Less*", "I'll-Bugger-Up-Just-Give-Me-A-Sec", and "What-Am-I-Still-Doing-Here?" I'd have more chemistry with Jim Jerome than we'll see out of this lot.

If somehow I'm wrong about this, I'm not afraid to admit it when the time comes. But let's get real -- does anyone see this working?

More later.


________________

*The type of player he SHOULD be, not the type he currently is.

(Ed. Note: A Chewable is taking the place of the Deglaze this week -- The Driver's mother is at TUC HQ and she thinks our office is the doorway to Hell. Can't spend any more time in here than necessary.)

Want to take a guess how many Senators players have more points than Antoine Vermette and Mike Fisher (1 and zero points respectively)? Go ahead and take a crack at it. I'll wait.

Ten.

Kuba, Spezza, Heatley, Alfie, Donovan, Foligno, Ruutu, Kelly, Volchenkov and Picard all have more points than the two players the team is counting on to produce the bulk of their secondary scoring.

***

And because it's Monday, here's a bonus bit...

Still think there's nothing to the idea that the majority of young defencemen require additional grooming and polish in the minors? Perhaps you haven't noticed Brian Lee lately. Lee impressed in the pre-season, but has appeared panic-stricken on multiple occasions since the regular season began. His teammates have already begun to pick up on this, as it's become obvious (particularly during the last two games) that they were avoiding him during play, choosing instead to pass off to someone else. The Sens wanted Lee to be their finesse blueliner of the future -- calm nerves are a prerequisite for that position. Don't get me wrong: I understand the hesitancy that comes with youth. But don't forget that Lee played in four playoff games with the team last year. He's already seen far more stressful situations than the current one.

More later.

If you're a Rogers customer like myself, you might be asking the same thing.

Sure, I knew the basics -- TSN officially launched its alternate channel in late August, and one of its major selling points was that it was to carry 34 additional NHL games not covered by the original network. Knowing that TSN had yet to hammer out an agreement with Rogers to broadcast TSN2, I foolishly assumed that said games would be available on NHL Centre Ice (as of mid-September, TSN had reached agreements with Bell, Aliant, Shaw Cable, Star Choice, Cogeco and several others).

I knew something was wrong when The Driver went to watch the Philly-Pittsburgh game on Tuesday night, and instead I heard him on the phone, sounding extremely exasperated. There was no sign of the game anywhere, and he had called into Rogers to find out what the story was.

Guess what? Rogers knew nothing. Better yet, Rogers is DOING nothing for their Centre Ice subscribers who are sitting around paying for a service, but still not receiving all games.

Here's the story The Driver was told: Obviously, because Rogers owns Sportsnet, and Bell owns a portion of CTVglobemedia (which operates TSN), negotiations between Rogers and TSN aren't exactly moving at lightning pace. However, because the NHL recognizes TSN as a national network that "everyone" receives without blackouts, it doesn't feel the need to show the TSN2 games on Centre Ice. They aren't observing the difference between the main and alternate networks.

How maddening is that?

So now Rogers customers are forced to sit and wait while CTVglobemedia and Rogers make nice -- meanwhile, the NHL can't be bothered to get involved, and I'm missing Cote v. Godard. Sigh.

Just to clarify, seeing as there seems to be some confusion...

The woman in the Redden photo from the Tuesday Deglaze is NOT me. 1) I'm a brunette and 2) I've never felt the urge to kiss the Black Cloud in any form (photograph, live or otherwise).

There you have it.

...because all we have to say to The Driver during San Diego Chargers games is, "Your QB's a d*ck."

The following is a transcript taken from Coach's Corner on October 11th:

Don Cherry: "(John) Tavares is now supposed to be No. 2 (in the overall rankings for the 2009 NHL Entry Draft). They've got (Victor) Hedman -- a Swede naturally -- (ranked) as No. 1. You've seen Tavares so many times, you start picking on him. He broke Gretzky's junior goal-scoring record, he's leading the league right now and he's got 18 points in 9 names, yet we keep picking on him. Of course, Leafs management said (to hurt the kid's feelings) that there are no franchise player out there. Think about what he's done, and the kid hears that. But the Leafs -- you don't have to worry about it because he's from Ontario. They will never pick him. Listen to this: Seven of the top 10 draft picks this year were from the OHL. Top four were from the O. In the last 5 drafts, the Leafs have drafted 18 foreigners and 3 from Ontario. So some say, 'Why are you so upset?' Because I'm out amongst the kids. I see them wearing their (Leafs) toques, hats and jackets. They love the Leafs and they never get a chance to play for them."

Oh, my. Where to begin?

1) Do you get the idea that Don Cherry's hot on the OHL? Look, he's correct about 7 out of the top 10 picks from the '08 Draft -- they did come from the OHL. But if we're to assume that the Ontario Hockey League continues to pump out such high-quality talent, then the Leafs would have to remain fantastically mediocre and/or pony up some quality trade bait (ahem) in order to have access to these gems. Is that what you want, Don?

2) Last time I checked, Toronto's defence wasn't the most formidable group on the planet. If they think Hedman will help them more in the long run, that's their business (again, assuming they get the pick).

3) What the hell is all this nonsense about hurt feelings simply because a kid may not get the opportunity to be drafted by Toronto? What happened to being grateful just for the chance to play professional hockey? To be fair, I'm not posing that question to the eventual prospects -- any draft pick I've met has demonstrated nothing but joy at the idea of being taken by an NHL team. The city didn't matter -- they just wanted to have their name called, and slip the jersey over their heads. It's foolish to think that players don't have favourite teams going in, but to be quite frank, there's only one prospect in recent memory who was relatively candid about where he wanted to go. That player was Drew Doughty, and I'm guessing the only reason why he admitted it was due to the way the stars were aligning. Doughty had been a long-time fan of the Kings, and was slated to go high in the Draft. In 2008, Los Angeles had the No. 2 pick, and selected Doughty with it. But I can say in Doughty's defense that he claimed he'd be happy wherever he ended up. The sentiment seemed sincere, and I believed him during our interview. Barring the rare exception (i.e. Eric Lindros), draft picks seem to readily embrace their new franchise when chosen. That's what makes this whole "Toronto's going to upset the kids if they don't draft them" idea so ridiculous. Besides, who's to say they won't get a chance to play for the Leafs later on in their career? Although....

4) Let's have a look at some of the recent players who wanted to "live the childhood dream" of playing for their beloved Leafs: Eric Lindros. Mike Peca. Andrew Raycroft. Jason Blake (although he did score a goal the other night, so maybe things can turn around for him). Good times, right?

In short: Methinks John Tavares' precious little heart won't be broken for long if doesn't end up in the blue and white. But if the Leafs want him -- or any other high-ranking OHLer for that matter -- they'd better get to tanking (insert obligatory Marcus Allen riff here).

***

Listen...do you hear that? It's the sound of Sens fans obsessing about their former players. The latest ex-Senator to earn the spotlight is Black Cloud Redden, whom Ottawa supporters have undoubtedly noticed during the New York Rangers' hot start to the season. The former (and current) No. 6 has three points with his new team -- 2 G, 1 A. Question Of The Day: Is this really worth tripping out over? BFD, says I. A Redden offensive renaissance is hardly unexpected right now -- new team, new "attitude"...for the meantime. And keep in mind that just because he's been scoring recently doesn't mean he won't continue to (expletive) up like mad in his own end. Watch and wait...you'll see.

***

And finally, from the media files...

From The Ottawa Sun's Digital Faceoff on Saturday, entitled "Can the Sens win a Cup with Gerber in Goal?"

Bruce Garrioch: "Don, you should adopt (Alex) Auld as your man. A good North Bay boy like yourself..."


Alex Auld was born in Cold Lake, AB, but he's as much an Albertan as Dany Heatley is German. Auld calls Thunder Bay home, not North Bay. They're nearly 1,100 kilometres apart, and take it from someone who knows: There is a difference. A petty barb? Likely so, but it seems Ottawans have a difficult time understanding that life exists beyond the 705. After 11 years, I've grown more than a little tired of it.

(Memo to the media -- let me spare you the trouble. "Erin, stop being such a (expletive) bitch. You've never made a mistake before?" Probably have, but never about that. Trust.)

More later.

Tragedy has struck the New York Rangers and Omsk after 19-year-old Alexei Cherepanov collapsed on the bench during the third period of a KHL game. The Blueshirts' prospect was unable to be revived and died a short time later. More details can be found at TSN.ca.

Due to the holiday, we're pushing the Deglaze back to Tuesday. Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadian readers -- be safe and don't eat too much...we'll see you back here on the 14th.

(Photo Credit: The mad hotness that is Scarlett Ice)

Sherry from SI had an up-close encounter with OBC favourite Cody Bass during the Toronto Marlies' home opener last night -- click the link for all the details.

A quick and touching story from Thursday night's game between the Flames and Canucks, courtesy of Globe On Hockey.

I've been getting this one a lot, so I figured I'd tackle it now...

Q: WTF is up with that "Audio Clip" on your profile? Who/what is it? Are they saying "Ottawa"?

A: That's James Hetfield -- the lead singer from Metallica. Yes, he is saying "Ottawa". (Actually, the full transcript is "Ha ha! Heyyy Ottawaaaa...yeh yeh yeah! You still feelin' good?") It's from a show the band did at Scotiabank Place (then the Corel Centre) in 2004. Personally I find it hilarious, and that's the reason why it's up there. I also keep it on my cell phone as my text alert sound. When I was at the draft this summer, TSN kept sending me updates, which made James belt out like crazy about every 3-4 minutes. At one point, I was in the back, and ESPN's Scott Burnside was standing right by me, looking for something to drink. James broke out into song, and Burnside cocked his head at me, then cracked up. Good times.

If you have any other questions about the blog, send them to erinnicks@yahoo.ca.

More later.

The man and myth known as Daniel Alfredsson has been knocked out for at least two weeks while he undergoes surgery to remove a bone chip in his knee. The surgery will take place today. Details to follow.

Update #1: Conflicting radio reports say No. 11 may only be gone 7-10 days.

Update #2: Heatley will be wearing the 'C' in Alfie's absence, and the Sun blog has the projected lines:

Dany Heatley-Jason Spezza-Jarko Ruutu
Nick Foligno-Mike Fisher-Chris Neil
Antoine Vermette-Chris Kelly-Jesse Winchester
Christoph Schubert-Dean McAmmond-Shean Donovan

Defensive pairings
Chris Phllips-Anton Volchenkov
Jason Smith-Filip Kuba
Alexandre Picard-Brian Lee