The Universal Cynic

The Sens' coolness and general intrigue factor dropped through the freaking floor today, when news broke that the big club was sending OBC favourite Cody Bass down to Bingo. Oh, and for the record, Brian Elliott got the boot to New York State as well (translation: BFD). This revelation brings the joint blog project between TUC, Scarlett Ice, Five For Smiting and Hockeyschlock to a screeching halt...at least for the foreseeable future. That being said, this little venture of ours will be bloody awesome when the time comes. Bass can't get back to Ottawa soon enough -- at least not for the five of us. In the meantime...uh...all hail Jesse Winchester?

Pfft...you can't make a slogan out of that.

More later.

...because we're having a Me Mom and Morgentaler moment.

Sure, the regular season has started, but a lot of the talk has focused on players not hitting the ice -- case in point, Mike Fisher. No. 12 was recently thrust into the spotlight, due to the fact that his 6-million dollar groin (or "groan", as Rome would say) is acting up again. Fisher did not play in either game versus Pittsburgh in Sweden, and questions abound regarding the centre's off-season conditioning and overall durability.

It's a very curious thing to see fans suddenly question and criticize Mike Fisher. I say that because, well...privately, I've been doing it for years. To me, Mike Fisher is like There's Something About Mary. Remember when that movie came out? It was a fairly unassuming flick when it hit the theatres, but everyone seemingly went nuts over it. At the time, my friends were driving me crazy, telling me to go check it out. Here's what happened:

Friends: "So? What did you think? Wasn't it the best thing ever?"

Me: (looking at ground)

Friends: "Well?"

Me: "Uh...well...I don't get what the big deal is. I don't get it."

Friends: "WHAT?!? Best. Thing. Ever. What's wrong with you?"

Me: (getting defensive) "I dunno...I guess some parts of it were all right...I just don't understand why everyone loves it so much."

Friends: "Blaaargh!!! Rage...RAAAAAGE!"

Things get a bit hazy at this point. I think someone took off one of their Vans and threw it at me.

Eventually I just began to lie and said I liked it, because I was tired of having people freak out on me.

And that's what it's like to be a non-fan of Mike Fisher -- at least until recently. I had to to express my feelings covertly, during whispered conversations at the Starbucks on Hazeldean. I had to smile and nod my head in silent agreement when everyone insisted he should be the next captain of the team. I had to pretend to understand why every woman (and Don Cherry, apparently) fawns over his blue eyes and chiseled cheekbones.

I didn't get it. I never did. And now I'm mad at myself for not speaking up, because people are finally beginning to see things the way I always have.

Fisher was the one player I couldn't bring myself to properly torch in the column, and it made me bloody crazy. I'd pace in my office, willing myself to openly question his worth. He has yet to break the 50-point plateau, and he's 28 years old. Barring a miracle, it seems pretty obvious that he's peaked. The Senators paid him like a second-line centre (his front-loaded, 5-year, $21-million contract kicks in this season), but he's not capable of playing that role. A lot of that money is paying for the intangibles that No. 12 offers..and that's where the problem lies.

The good guy image. The heart. The grit. The never-say-die mentality. Sens fans have been flat-out obsessed with the qualities Fisher brings to the table, and that's what makes it so freaking hard to get on his case. Don't believe me? Consider this: In the four years that the column ran, I got flack from the Sens front office about my off-the-cuff criticism of one player. Guess who that player was? They never defended anyone else...and frankly, I leveled my guns at pretty much everyone on that team (including Daniel Alfredsson).

Here's the thing: I understand that he's a valuable player from a defensive standpoint. I respect his willingness to play hard. I get that he's a good person. I get that part, okay?

But he's not a deity, and he's not a second-line centre that will ever be worth 6-million dollars. He may not even be a captain -- that spare "A" was obviously emblazoned on Heatley's chest for a reason.

News flash: It's Mike Fisher. Stop looking for something that isn't there. He's physically fragile, offensively limited and his career has nowhere to go but down. Thank God people are finally beginning to understand that.

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Here's an interesting tidbit from the HFBoards: Fans who attended pre-season games reported that the Sens were coming onto the ice to Europe's The Final Countdown as opposed to the traditional team theme song. When questioned, the team claimed that it was just a pre-season switch-up, but that the regular theme would be "used less frequently" (again, this is according to the board). If this is true, someone from the Sens audio department should have their head examined. The theme resonates with pure cheesy goodness that can't be replaced with an overused 80's anthem. Furthermore, it's tradition -- something that this relatively young franchise doesn't have a lot of. It's original, it's fabulous and it should be used during every home game. End of story.

More later.

From the Senators-Penguins pre-game on CBC this aft:

Ron MacLean: "So you're intimating that (Mike) Fisher is more of a third-line/checking centre than a second-line player?"

Mike Milbury: "I think he'd be a great third-line player, but to just push him into a second-line situation is a bit of a stretch."

If you haven't checked out Five For Smiting's season preview for the Sens, we suggest you do so immediately.

From the first intermission of the Rangers-Lightning game on CBC this aft:

Ron MacLean: "(New York Rangers Assistant Coach) Perry Pearn said that (Daniel) Girardi is going to be the next Wade Redden."

Kelly Hrudey: "Is that a compliment?"

Remember the weekend Deglaze where we discussed the Schubert conundrum? Apparently a solution has been reached, and No. 5 is not happy about it -- he's going to be a full-time forward.

Chris Stevenson's teaser on his Day 2 video report from Sweden claims that Schubert wouldn't speak to the media today. Call it a hunch, but this probably won't end well.

In other defensive news, the latest third pairing features newcomer Alexandre Picard alongside Babyface Lee (Luke Richardson will remain crashed out in a La-Z-Boy on reserve). The young ones are No. 5 and 6 on the depth chart, and won't be expected to log workhorse-type numbers. That being said, it's an awful lot of inexperience to be placing together.

More later.

The Sun blog is reporting that Nikolai Khabibulin has been waived. Commence with your unsubstantiated freakouts.

We figured this was worth mentioning, seeing as people keep e-mailing about it...

Hey Senators season ticket holders: Have you had a look at your statement lately? Did you notice how you paid full price for the three pre-season games, while the public was given half off? Hope you enjoyed the future boys of Bingo while they were here -- it certainly cost you enough to do so.

Headline of the week: St. Louis Rams RB "Steven Jackson is probable but angry."

...because we concur with Greg Hetson's succinct take on Ottawa's MLS bid: "What the (expletive)?"

(Ed. note: Expect the regular Deglaze to move back to its traditional spot on Mondays -- Tuesday at the latest -- once the season gets underway.)


This is one of those stories that has been brewing for some time, but no one's really hit on it until now. News flash: Christoph Schubert wants to be a full-time defenceman. Here are the relevant quotes:

After three years as a swingman, Schubert is more adamant than ever that he wants to settle into a full-time job on the blue line and leave his left-wing playing days behind.

"I know he wants to be a defenceman but you know what, he wants to play in the NHL," said Hartsburg. "I think it's great a player like that can do both."

"I'm not going to say no," he said when asked about playing left wing. "But I said from the beginning, I want to be back there. That's what I'm fighting for right now. The coaches told me before camp ... focus on being on defence, and that's what I'm doing. (They said) it's not going to be back and forth anymore."

In regards to Schubert, Ottawa has pushed the versatility angle for some time. No. 5 has always dropped hints that he prefers to be working the blueline as opposed to left wing, but this is the first time (in recent memory) that he's been so blatant. Unfortunately for the German ginge*, he's not in a position to be making demands -- after all, he's not a top-4 defenceman. Schubert's grit has come in handy as a forward, but his offensive ability is limited and on most nights he falls into the over referenced category of "energy player". So now what? If Schubert truly becomes unhappy with the situation, he'd have to ask for a trade -- the 26-year-old won't be a UFA until 2010-'11. In short, the ball is in his court. If Schubert wants to be a permanent blueliner, he'll have to force the Sens staff to picture him that way -- a reliable, quality defenceman as opposed to a plug-the-holes hybrid.

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In the past, this blog has discussed The Driver's insistence that Prison Break's Dominic Purcell bears a striking resemblance to our No. 1 Manatee, Martin Gerber. Well, it's worth noting that the Fox drama has added another Senators-esque element to its repertoire. To be fair, The General (a.k.a The Padman) made his first appearance last season, but it wasn't until this year that we really got to know him. Take a look at that picture, and tell me he doesn't look like Senators' President and CEO Roy Mlakar. (Here's a link to the same picture in a smaller format, but with less shadow.) For the record, The General is the head of a shady group called "The Company" -- we don't quite know what they do yet...we just know they get extremely agitated if you cause them any grief. *twiddling thumbs*

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A quick show of hands: Who's happy to see Brendan Bell being shipped to Bingo? "Ooh...hometown boy angle -- let's be sure to run that into the ground!" The damn kid couldn't hang in Toronto, but because he's from the 613, we'll talk him up like he's got a shot. Whaa? I know the defence is in dire straits, but come on now. In other news, the team heads for Sweden tomorrow and Cody Bass has stuck around. You may have noticed Bass getting a lot of run on some of the other Sens blogs -- trust us, there's a reason. Details to come...stay tuned.

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And finally, it wouldn't be a Deglaze without a media mention: Someone would like you to notice that he was right. Notice, damnit!

More later.

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*This seems like a lift from Dlisted, right?

Honest to God, we just landed back in the capital all of two hours ago after a glorious four days spent in the Land of Staalapalooza. The Driver and I were getting ready to head back to Kanata (just as rush hour traffic was beginning -- stellar move), and decided to turn on the Team 1200 on the way. (We've been reading nothing but the Chronicle-Journal for the past little while, so it's going to take a couple of days to get back on the horse. Be patient, it'll come.) Anyway, we flip on the drive-time show, and the following bombs were dropped in a matter of minutes by the hosts:

1) "Chris Phillips should become an offensive defenceman" and "play a role on the PP";

2) "Brian Lee looks like he's been playing in the league for 4 to 5 years" (I don't care what happened while we were gone, there's no way this can be true);

3) One of the hosts was completely in the dark regarding the schedule and opponents for the games in Sweden.

I was so lovely and relaxed in the Lakehead -- 30 minutes back in Ottawa and that's shot all to hell. On the plus side, word came down today that Cody Bass has passed the latest round of cuts. Ottawa bloggers, commence with the virtual high fives.

More later.

(Beg for a caption much?)

Nothing like overnight restricted access to the blog, right? As always, there's a method behind the madness, and you can trust that you won't be missing anything during any down periods (read: no posts). Thanks again for all the e-mails -- it's nice to be missed, even if only for a few hours.

Of course, a few more bits and pieces have fallen out over the past couple of days -- in particular, Sun Media seems bound and determined to force epic little freakouts at TUC HQ.

Here's the notable excerpt from Exhibit A:

GOALTENDING

Enough with the talk about Ray Emery's antics. He's gone and shouldn't be blamed for anything else going on with the Senators.

Say it with me: "Whaa?" In other news, it's Igor Kravchuk's fault that the defence has fallen to hell.

And here's the entire post from Exhibit B:

Who doesn't like an Aerosmith ballad?

Hey, dancing is a sport isn't it?
And you know how strong those performers have to be to hang upside down from a pole?

News flash to the media honks: If you want to write about Megan Fox, then brush off your best Simmons (Bill, not Steve) impersonation, and write about Megan Fox. Don't make some blatant reach attempt to find a correlation between a C-list actress and the business. Oh, and for the record: Strippers are "strippers". Classically trained fine arts performers are "dancers". Semantics, you say? Well, maybe you need to learn the difference between receiving a kick from a platform lucite heel as opposed to a pointe shoe. Just saying.

More later.

Apologies for starting Monday on a down note, but consider this a heads-up:

For the first time since the blog began, we will not be attending the Senators' annual Fan Fest (scheduled to take place on the 20th). Unfortunately, business in the birthplace of Staalapalooza must take priority at this time. Surely some of the other blogs will chime in with coverage (and relish the opportunity to level their guns at multiple players, where and if appropriate). We're also hoping said bloggers will question why the website only references a game-day skate, as well as the absence of the usual pancake breakfast. Memo to the OSHC: Fans need their red v. white scrimmages and simple carbohydrates. Pony up, ladies.

More later.

Chris Stevenson attempts to confirm reports that the brutal third jerseys we've seen making the rounds on the blogs, are in fact, the real deal. Somebody cue the dyslexia jokes.

Just a couple of bits and pieces to round out the week...

If we're treated to one more piece of Sundin-related news, we'll gouge out our eyes and jam them into our ears (thanks to The Driver for that disturbing description). We've enjoyed the reaction to the local spin thus far -- although it's interesting that fans are making a fair amount of reference to Sundin's age. To act as if Gangrel would be the sole cause of greying up the team is rather funny -- apparently the misconception that Ottawa continues to ice a club of zygotes continues unabated. Remember when this interesting factoid made news last season? And yes, the roster has changed significantly since then. But for the record -- notable off-season pickups Jason Smith, Jarkko Ruutu and Filip Kuba are all over the age of 30 (34, 33 and 31 respectively). Are they as old as Mats? No. But they're not young pups, either. People need to remember this team isn't built on the babyfaces of yore.

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Meanwhile, over at Scarlett Ice, Sherry is doing her part to remind the Sens that Cody Bass deserves consideration for the big club this year. Okay, so the Ottawa bloggers might have their own motives for wanting to see Bass at SBP this year. Poly-cotton blend, anyone?

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This weekend is setting up to be an interesting one at TUC HQ. The Driver's craptastic San Diego Chargers are facing our beloved Broncos in the first notable AFC West game of the season. (Monday night, although fabulous, didn't really count. Oakland is a joke.) The Driver is in a weird place right now -- he and the Senators haven't seen eye to eye in some time, and things with the Chargers aren't going the way he had hoped. First came the devastating injury to Shawn Merriman, then the unexpected loss in Week 1 to Carolina...in short, he's been pouting a lot. That being said, we did get him to admit that Chargers QB Philip Rivers is a fussy bitch, which was a totally epic moment for yours truly. And our boy can play it down because he's good like that, but for the record -- if Rivers attempts a repeat of that jawing crap he pulled on Denver QB Jay Cutler last year, we'd fully encourage No. 6 to stab Rivers in the ass with an insulin needle on the sideline.*

(Aside: If you're ever in the mood to relive the magic and insanity that was "Dress Up Jake Plummer", go here.)

Finally, a quick message of love and support to our old-school friends in Texas who are prepping to battle Hurricane Ike. We're thinking of you...be safe.

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*That's a joke, ladies. Calm yourselves.

Obviously not content to let their reputation for allowing embarassingly stiff deliveries to slide*, the Ottawa Senators have come up with another painfully hilarious video montage...only this time, they've gotten some of their players into the act.

Sens Insiders were lucky enough to find this stellar gem in their e-mail late last week. Click "skip intro" to bypass the opening movie, and then wait for Alfredsson and Neil (whaa?) to appear. But don't click on the links right away...the boys will re-emerge a few seconds after their initial appearance. Hands down, this is the best moment of the entire video.

Now look at Alfie leaning on that stick, giving face to the camera. The first time he asked us if we were "looking for action", we felt like we were being hit on. Can't you just see him delivering that line while holding a highball glass filled with vodka and lingonberry juice? We're starting to understand why he and Bibi have three kids.

Almost all the links feature an intro by the duo. ("Here boys, hold this puck...now hold this stick...it won't look as awkward...") Probability of unintentional comedy: 98%.

P.S.: On a serious note, someone from the Senators' marketing team should have their hand slapped for not including a Francophone player like Antoine Vermette on the French version of this advertisement (if Alexandre Picard had been with the club earlier, his name could be mentioned in the same breath). There are no player representatives on the French section -- only the links are available, which hardly provides the same effect. It's an inexcusable oversight by the Senators, and they should know better by now.


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*Go ahead -- take that line and run with it.

Here's the link to our "5 Things I'd Change About The NHL" list, which appeared on Puck Daddy over the weekend. Thanks again to Greg for requesting our input on such a cool project -- it brought back plenty of nostalgia. TUC actually misses having the readers assume the work here is produced by a dude.

One more thing...when we made notice that "something's coming" a few days ago, we were referring to this list. Some message board honks took it as a sign that we were going to drop a bomb on the supposed Meszaros offer sheet. There's reading between the lines, kids...and then there's going completely off the board. Bizarre.

More later.

From TSN.ca:

The Ottawa Senators finally resolved their contract dispute with defenceman Andrej Meszaros on Friday, trading the restricted free agent to the ever-changing Tampa Bay Lightning.

In exchange, the Senators received defencemen Filip Kuba and Alexandre Picard and a first round pick the Lightning previously acquired from the San Jose Sharks.

There isn't a major discrepancy on offense between Kuba and Meszaros, which bodes well for Ottawa -- a club that already is dealing with a loss of firepower at the blueline. In the last two seasons, Kuba scored 31 points in 2007-'08, and 37 in the year prior. Meszaros recorded 36 and 35 points during the same period. Ottawa will once again lose some youth -- Kuba is 31 years old and up for unrestricted free agency in 2009-'10. He is slated to make $3 million next season (a far cry from the 4.5 that 14 was asking for, and the 4 million he is rumoured to be receiving from Tampa). As for Picard, he's a young add-on, but Tampa Bay fans on the message boards are informing Ottawa supporters that the kid is fun to watch and will "hit anything that moves". If true, his development should be interesting to follow.

Reaction to the trade seems to be mixed thus far. Many continue to obsess about a wildly extravagant offer sheet for Meszaros that may or may not have existed. The important thing to remember is that Meszaros' regression left Ottawa in a major bind. Yes, he could contribute offensively, but his play in his own zone left a lot to be desired. It was an unfortunate revelation, considering his highly impressive rookie season as a Senator. Gambling with a lengthy contract in the hopes that his game would solidify was not an option -- 14 was never a sure thing, and the money he demanded from the Sens was more than they could afford. Now it's a matter of observing how Kuba fits into the mix -- better, worse or same. File this one under "To Be Continued".

More later.

...but it won't be here. Don't worry, the link will be posted when the time comes. Stay tuned.

In other news, CulletWatch '08 has led to extreme boredom around TUC HQ, and right now, there's only one remedy.

Vegas.

If you need us, we'll be in the Mandalay Bay sportsbook next week. And for the record, no amount of alcohol could convince us to put down a futures bet on the Sens right now. Go team!

More later.

P.S.: If Bryan Smolinski signs in Pittsburgh while we're gone, that smashing sound you'll hear coming from the left side of the continent will be yours truly.

A random assortment of bits and pieces as we sit around and wait for the Meszaros situation to resolve itself -- an event better known at TUC HQ as "CulletWatch '08".

· James Gordon from the Citizen's Hockey Capital blog has provided the Senators' relevant numbers from THN's Ultimate Fantasy Pool Guide. As expected, the points projections blatantly point out issues that the club continues to ignore. Here's what THN is projecting for Ottawa in 2008-'09:

Jason Spezza -- 101 pts.
Dany Heatley -- 101 pts.
Daniel Alfredsson -- 91 pts.
Antoine Vermette -- 55 pts.
Mike Fisher -- 48 pts.
Chris Kelly -- 33 pts.
Nick Foligno -- 27 pts. (Second line, here we come!)
Dean McAmmond -- 25 pts.


If you think that's dramatic, you should see how it's presented in the magazine. The bar graphic has a huge swath of empty red down the middle -- in essence, representing the virtually non-existent secondary scoring for the club (at least on a consistent basis). It's the equivalent of a staircase with a 20-foot drop after the first three steps. Offense, from the first line to the fourth, must regress at an appropriate pace. 50+ point differentials within the top six forwards leave the Sens looking as disproportionate as Pamela Anderson. This isn't going to end well.

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Some positive Sens news (depending on your point of view): Roy Mlakar has been named CEO of the Year by the Ottawa Business Journal.

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· Someone needs to check if Mats Sundin has owned a cow or two back in the day, because dude sure knows how to milk it. The whole pensive/indecisive Swede act is so played out. Just toss him in The Brass Rail and throw away the key.

(Aside: I'm very big on Leafs/strip club references/stories. If "Prurient Interests of the Toronto Maple Leafs" was a category on Jeopardy!, I'd totally destroy.)

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· In non-hockey news, TUC has been recruited into a fantasy football league by some of the old-school legends from The Jim Rome Show. Notable participants include Jim's show contributor/booker/(expletive)-disturber Jason Stewart, Seanny The Cablinasian (who now hosts a drive-time show on 1560 The Game in Houston) and the elusive Kerwin in Riverside, among others. Something tells me it'll start off competitive, only to digress into drunken Tour Stop stories of yore. Details will surely follow as the weeks progress.

More later.