Fusspot rants, embarrassing photos of yourself and general correspondence go here: universalnicks@gmail.com

That's why we call him "F*ck Me Martin"

Friday, February 08, 2008



Text message exchange between myself and a friend last night:

"Jacques (Martin) just took a timeout...WTF?"

"I know. Weird."

"He never does that. Normally he just stares up at the clock and says to himself, 'f*ck me.'"

"Wonder what he's saying now (during the timeout)?"

"That's all he EVER says."

Interestingly enough, both Dean and Gord noticed that Jacques appeared to be silent during the timeout, essentially rendering it pointless. Maybe he realized his mistake after the fact.

We also reminisced about Jacques' über-awesome television commercial for the Orleans jewellery store, La Maison D'Or. If anyone has access to that, I swear...I will pony up for it.

Finally, a tidbit -- consider this your Friday chewable...

The Sun blog reported last night that Sens president Roy Mlakar signed a one-year extension with the team. Frankly, we were kind of surprised, especially after Mlakar's reaction during this -- it seemed like all signs pointing to him pulling the plug after this season. And yet, he re-ups...but for one year? What's the point of that?

My apologies

Thursday, February 07, 2008



(That's Mr. Chi Pig from SNFU. Around 1997 or '98, he appeared on TSN's Off The Record and it was blatantly apparent that he scared the living hell out of Michael Landsberg and the other three guests. Towards the end of the show, Chi whips out his pig mask, puts it on, and begins climbing all over the furniture -- I'm not making this up...I have it on tape. Most underrated OTR episode ever.)

Alright, so I was in the middle of some late-night template tinkering when my Internet took a nosedive. Thankfully I keep a stored copy of the HTML, otherwise the blog would've been toast (and I'm sure a lot people would've had a problem with that -- that's sarcasm, kids).

Anyway, I'm back. Resume your regularly scheduled National Capital NHL free-fall. Weee!

P.S. Senators + Panthers + A-Channel Broadcast = Cruel and unusual punishment.

P.P.S. Stop asking why I didn't call during Rome's Old School Hour on Tuesday. I didn't know I was supposed to.

Senatoren...mit kleiderbuegel!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

These are your leftovers:


Due to the insanity from the past week (more on that in a minute), I came across a German-based NHL message board that's a total riot to read. My German isn't the greatest -- I can catch the jist of some things -- but I figured for the hell of it, I'd run some posts through an online translator for all of you. Here's an unaltered sampling:


"Bist du des Wahnsinns knusprige Beute, 7 Punkte von Alfie letzte Nacht."


Translation:

"You are the insanity crisp prey, 7 points night last by Alfie."

(Come back soon, Alfie -- the team is in dire need of your crispy insanity.)

***

"vielleicht schafft es Alfie ja auch noch, seinen alten kumpel Mats zum erzrivalen zu locken...
das wär der deal schlechthin für die provinz Ontario!
Ottawa hat eine reihe von jungen talenten, nach denen die Leafs sich die finger lecken würden (Vermette u.a.) und mit Spezza und Sundin als 1-2 punch kann Fisher hauptsächlich gegen die topreihe des gegners spielen, dort ist er wohl am effektivsten für sein team. damit wären die Sens im osten de fakto der anwärter nummer 1 auf eine erneute teilnahme am cup finale."



Translation:

"Perhaps it creates Alfie also yet to attract its old buddy rents to the archrival... The wär the deal simply for the province Ontario! Ottawa has would line up one of young talents, after which the Leafs would lick itself the fingers, (Vermette among other things) and with Spezza and Sundin as 1-2 punch can Fisher mainly against the topreihe of the opponent play, is would be participate there he probably most effectively for its team. therewith the Sens in the East de fakto of the applicants number 1 on a renewed in the cup finale."

(I always knew the Leafs were a bunch of finger-lickers. Are they trying to say that Vermette is the equivalent of a bucket of chicken?)

***

Ja Rayzor scheint nicht nur abgehoben zu sein, der liebe Herrgott hat im wohl auch nicht mit allzu viel Intelligenz gesegnet. Ich sage es hier und jetzt: Ottawa ist nicht wegen Emery in den SC-Final gekommen, sondern eher trotz ihm. Das er eine Solche Aroganz entwickelt nach einer erfolgreichen Season ist schon bedenklich. Elliot hat in seinem bisherigen einzigen Spiel überzeugt, der scheint kein schlechter zu sein.

Schöner Sieg gegen die NYI, aber Corvo könnte echt mal mit seinen Fehlpässen im eigenen Drittel aufhören....



Translation:

"Yes Rayzor seems not only removed to be, that dear gentleman God blessed has in that probably also not with all too much intelligence. I say it here and now: Ottawa did not come because of Emery in the SC-Final, but rather sooner in spite of it. That it such an Aroganz developed is already doubtful after a successful Season. Elliot convinced in its previous only game, no bad seems that to be.

Beautiful victory against the NYI, but Corvo could really once with its Fehlpässen in the own third stop ..."

(Fehlpässen? Is that Corvo's problem? Someone needs to tell him they make a cream for that.)

___________

Now then...about last week. I know when the blog went dark, a lot of assumptions were made. None of them were true. I had some business to attend to, and wasn't able to keep up with the demands being made due to Tuesday's post. Please note (and I only wish to state this once, so pay attention): If the blog goes subscription-only, no posts are being made. You're not missing anything. I will bring it back online when I can.

Frankly, I wasn't expecting the type of reaction that I received from Tuesday's post. People took the ball and ran with it, which is their prerogative. Thank you to those who chose to link and discuss it with some semblance of seriousness -- particularly if you were able to do so without playing the Allen Iverson card. It's called "fresh material", kids. Look into it.

___________

As for the latest on the drama-doomed troika (Gerber-Paddock-Emery), it appears that Paddock's most recent scheme ("win and you're in") is destined for failure, and once again demonstrates the head coach's lack of decisiveness. Granted, neither goaltender was a standout in either game (The Manatee vs. Boston and Ray in Toronto tonight). But both have yet to receive proper defensive support (for the record, Meszaros deserves to fly home in the cargo hold this evening). Can't he at least let one of them ride for a couple games, to at least work through some issues and build a smidge of confidence?

This is the analogy I've been throwing out to friends for a couple of months: Paddock is Archie, Gerber is Betty and Emery is Veronica. The Manatee is like Betty because everyone likes him (he's a favourite in the dressing room), he's low-key, doesn't rock the boat -- almost to the point of becoming a doormat (remember how often Betty would help Archie with his homework?) -- but wants to be No. 1 in Archie's world.

Emery is Veronica to a t -- the diva and the bling-lover (Aside: Did I just write "bling"? I want to hurt myself.) She bitches and throws temper tantrums, and Archie totally takes it because he remembers how hot she can be. The thing is, I don't remember Veronica eating a cockroach on a bet for tattoo money. Granted, that might've been in a Double Digest I missed. In the comics, Ron would just swipe a credit card from her father's wallet while he napped in his office (Mr. Lodge would be played by Bryan Murray...oh, and Binghamton prospect Brian Elliott would be played by Midge -- the girl everyone forgets about until she starts acting like a saucy minx).

I totally need to flesh this out some more, don't I?

__________

A couple more things...

This is driving me crazy. Two elite athletes: Tom Brady and Sidney Crosby. Both diagnosed with high ankle sprains. Afterward, Brady goes around to NYC nightclubs with Gisele Bundchen. Crosby goes around making a face like he got into a Jacuzzi too quickly and scorched his genitalia.

(Aside: When it comes to comedic gold, this is The Driver's Fort Knox, despite the trauma it caused. He honed this bit during the years when we had gym memberships at the O.A.C. -- he was unable to avoid the sight of octogenarians who immersed their naked bodies into the men's hot tub, only to retract lightning-fast while cupping their private parts and making a sucking noise through their teeth. The Driver's imitation of this -- fully clothed, naturally -- is absolutely priceless, and the face he makes is identical to the one Crosby is demonstrating in the photo.)

And finally, just a heads-up: Tomorrow's column is Super Bowl-based. It's too difficult to write about the Sens in that space with any level of passion -- they might as well replace their Roman soldier logo with an Ambien tablet.

More later.

And then there's this

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

From Sportsnet.ca via Ian Mendes:

"Emery asked Senators for a trade".

Earl McRae's interview with George Chuvalo is also worth a read. Here's a teaser:

"My concern is for the kid. He's a big boxing fan and I was thrilled when he put me on his helmet during the playoffs and Stanley Cup last year. He said I was his boxing hero. When his agent said he'd like to talk to me, and I got his number, I phoned him a few months back, but he never returned my message."

Truth or consequences

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

When everybody above is ready to bout you about controversial values
Don't you think you better re-address the level of the cowardice rising to drown you?
Did you ever connect - or come to reject - or even inspect
The dreams that hound you?

When the prodigal son with a caroming shadow of hate comes to land at home
Well he's a mourning star with a champagne heart at his curtain call
And father never understood the way the work gets done
Don't look at me, no I ain't one, no prodigal son


-- Prodigal Son (BR)

Some paraphrased public thoughts from various local media on the topic of Ray Emery (no names will be used because I don't have the direct quotes and don't wish to be on the receiving end of bitchy, fusspot e-mails):

* One made reference to the idea that Emery may be involved in off-ice issues similar to those that said media personality experienced when he was dealing with drugs;

* One claimed that Ottawa is too small and if inappropriate actions were truly occurring, someone would have uncovered it and written about it already;

* Another stated that the only information he had came from what was printed or said in the media, basically insinuating that he had no inside sources to speak of.

Ahem.

Finally, here's a quote:

"(Ray Emery) is (expletive) out of control. I guarantee that whatever you've heard about him...95% of it is true." -- An anonymous source from inside the dressing room.

(There was more -- much more -- but it can't be posted here without repercussions of some sort. I will say that it provided incredible insight in regards to team and front office cohesiveness, and Ray's own mindset as perceived by his teammates -- again, according to this one person.)

Watching (and listening) to this psychological petri dish fester over the past 36 hours has been amusing, frustrating and somewhat surprising. For those of us who have been sitting on material -- for lack of a better phrase -- for nearly a season and a half, watching cracks finally begin to appear in the facade is somewhat of a relief.

Granted, Ray's latest truancy (on the surface) had nothing to do with The Pink Elephant sitting in the room that no one would (or could) discuss openly. But given his history of difficulties and general problematic behaviour, this latest incident, which could serve as the straw that broke the camel's back, has given many in the media carte blanche to begin dancing ever so carefully around the subject. (Aside: This alone is an experience in itself. It's exceedingly ridiculous for some of us to sit by and watch other media members pretend as if nothing is going on -- as demonstrated by some of the comments above. No one's saying you have to jump on the bomb and attempt an exposé, but if you're pulling any "Ray's just being Ray" nonsense, you need to check yourself and remain silent. There's nothing worse than any media's feeble attempt to play dumb.)

But believe me, this isn't a topic that could normally be broached with any semblance of truth or ferocity, unless you possessed a gifted photographer and an attorney on a choke chain (a fact that I have personally been warned about from friends and colleagues alike).

The thing is, the Senators now realize that they're buggered six ways from Sunday. Everyone knows about Ray Emery -- both in the city, and within the NHL. It was fine for the team to look the other way when he was winning. Now they're aware of his off-ice issues and the fact that he's not the real deal. However, they have signed him to a three-year deal that was largely predicated on one season (where both he and the team itself were able to synergize at the right time), when all signs and internal team issues pointed towards exploring alternative options. Fans and media alike must've seen this coming. A five minute conversation with anyone in AHL circles will provide you with all the required turbulent history between Paddock and Emery, going back to their days in Binghamton.

Yes, he was a troubled case. But it's impossible not to assume that the uh...issue...exacerbated the problem ten-fold.

Mark my words: As long as the Senators keep Emery in the fold, someone WILL write this story eventually (with photographic evidence and the legal protection required), and the aftermath that follows will undoubtedly be devastating for the entire franchise. If he stays, it won't be much longer before we see it. How can you assume otherwise when we're already experiencing a willingness by some to wade into potentially libelous waters?

More later.

*cough*

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Huh...whaa? Oh, look...a tree.

The comment from a reader off one of the Sun blogs after a "Wow, Mensas...did you notice this team is shaping up to chew it in the playoffs?" post:

Comment from: John Dhaller [Visitor]
The Sens just have to get rid of 4 or 5 players who are coke-heads. This is, and has been a problem with the team for years, stay off the drugs, or atleast (sic) wait for the off-season.


Who wants to get down on how long this will stay up on the site? *whistling softly and twiddling thumbs*

AOL FanHouse interview

Friday, January 11, 2008




My thoughts on the Detroit-Ottawa game had to go somewhere -- you can find them at this link.

P.S. About the picture...I'm recording one game and watching the other. I'll let you assume where my priorities are.

[Photo credit: LOLJocks]

Update

Thursday, January 10, 2008



(Scaroi!)

While I don't usually like to reveal much of my personal life in this space, I have seen speculation regarding TUC on other blogs, and I have received e-mails from many of you wondering what's been going on. Here it is: My physical health hasn't been the greatest for some time, and the blog became a low priority. Most of my so-called creative energies have to be directed towards the column, and truthfully that's been an effort -- more than one recent piece was written while sporting one of those godforsaken hospital gowns that refuse to close in the back.

I don't want to go into specifics, but I can assure you that I expect to be back at 100% eventually, but unfortunately I do not have a set timetable for an exact date. Honestly, I feel rather self-involved for making this post, but it's difficult to keep up with all of your inquiries, so I feel this is the best way.

I know a lot of you have gotten frustrated with the tendency for the blog to go "subscription-only" -- unfortunately it's done for preventative measures against those in the business who wish to cause difficulties for TUC and its associates via indirect and unsophisticated methods. Those who remain paranoid and obsessive about the writings of a lowly local weekly columnist need to check themselves, and those who can't handle TUC's criticism should investigate whether they have been afflicted with specific hemorrhaging normally reserved for those of a double-x chromosome persuasion.

(Illness has made me belligerent...and apparently, rather gauche.)

Hopefully I will be back soon -- thanks again for all your kind words and support. Before I sign off on this post, I figured I should relay a Sens-related story from a while back that I never got around to writing about. A couple of months ago I was having a generally crappy week -- some people would head out to their local pub and pound a few with friends. I don't do that. Me, I put in a call, get on a plane and go and see Bad Religion.

I took an 18-seater plane to Allentown, PA (home of the AAA Lehigh Valley Ironpigs -- formally known as the Ottawa Lynx). Tiny venue, completely packed and totally crazy. After the show, The Driver and I went to thank guitarist Greg Hetson for looking out for us (as he has for several years now -- sometimes I forget what a charmed life I lead). I asked him about his in-studio appearance on The Jim Rome Show that occurred about a month prior. (Rome and Hetson have known each other for ages -- it was through Rome that I originally met Greg.)



I asked him about the Stanley Cup Finals and said, "Okay, so just to be sure...you weren't cheering for the dark side? (Hetson is a huge Kings fan.) His reply? "Fuck no! I wore my old Senators jersey the whole time (there are photos of him sporting said old-school jersey inside the liner notes from the '93 album Recipe For Hate). When I told Rome that I cried (when the Ducks won), I meant it."

Atta boy, Greg. We're all for SoCals who cannot be swayed. We then tried to hammer out a ludicrous trade between our two franchises (Emery for Jack Johnson, straight up), but even Hetson knows too much about Ottawa's "off-ice" issues . (Yes, the story has reached that far. My 60 year-old, hockey ignorant, pseudo-maternal unit has also asked me about it, editors from national dailies inquire if I'm going to pursue it* and choice teammates have angrily spoken about the subject -- in public, no less. But it's a secret, right? It can still be a secret, even though it's broaching the 18-month mark. That's some high comedy, kids.)

That's all for now. Thanks for reading, take care and yeah hey.

More...at an unknown later date.

_________

*Me? A mercenary for hire? Aw, that's sweet.

From December 30th

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The December 30th column, in its entirety, as I intended for it to read:


When the Ottawa Senators re-signed Ray Emery to a 3-year, 9.5 million dollar contract in July (all terms US), they knew it would involve risks rarely associated with your run-of-the-mill goaltender.

Now amidst a firestorm of Ray-related drama, you have to wonder what each party was truly expecting from the deal. From Emery’s end, it doesn’t seem difficult to figure out.

Ray Emery remains anointed as one of the best goaltenders the Sens have possessed in modern team history for an obvious reason: He was the premier netminder during the team’s most successful playoff run to date. And while his play during the Anaheim series didn’t display the consistency shown through the first three rounds, he couldn’t be solely blamed for Ottawa’s eventual downfall. Few people were willing to blame Ray for anything last season – after all, he was looked upon as the catalyst behind the Sens’ regular season turnaround (a sentiment exacerbated by the team’s improved play during the same period). Many also knew that he was playing hurt, and would likely require some rehabilitation and repair during the summer.

When the 2007-’08 season kicked off with the Sens’ so-called No. 1 goalie still healing on the bench, many assumed that the 25-year-old was simply keeping the seat warm for Martin Gerber. No one realized at the time that Emery was also apparently making the same assumption, and now he appears determined to maintain that viewpoint, despite the change in circumstances. The fiery netminder currently behaves as if his play from the previous year has earned him top billing, no questions asked – an incorrect presumption to be sure. That was then, this is now. And you need not look far for recent evidence.

When given the opportunity, No. 1 has rarely shown flashes of last season’s success. His record stands at 5-3-3 with a 2.88 GAA and .891 save percentage. And while head coach John Paddock didn’t overly chastise Emery for his most recent performance against Chicago, the current backup displayed suspect positioning and poor lateral movement throughout the game.

The young goaltender would likely be given additional opportunities to gain back his form if he showed some enthusiasm in practice – a subject that has come up time and again via John Paddock since October. Apparently Emery felt the constant demands were open to interpretation when he decided to throw a diva-like fit (which included the tossing of his stick into the stands) during Thursday’s practice.

Paddock may continue to claim that effort takes precedence over time spent in practice – Emery has been observed arriving late and leaving the ice quickly on many occasions. Perhaps this is the coach’s way of going easy on someone who’s already been placed under the gun. However, it’s safe to say that not a single NHL player overcame the odds by putting their nose to the grindstone for a mere 10 minutes per day. Would it really make a difference if Emery only worked hard in short spurts? It’d be a start, but are we expected to be placated with a backstopper’s baby steps when he should know better by now? It shouldn’t have to be this hard.

Unfortunately, the fact remains that Ray Emery is making it hard on himself and his teammates by refusing to put in the work necessary to earn back the No. 1 spot -- meanwhile, the truculent ‘tender continues to act as if such efforts are unwarranted and aggravating. Very few players are privileged enough to stand on the merits of previous achievements, because yesterday’s NHL history is rarely today’s reality. All that’s left to ask is, “What have you done for us lately, Ray?” Right now, Sens observers would be hard pressed to find a positive answer.

Template issues

Thursday, December 06, 2007

We're dealing with some stuff over here, so we'll be offline for the rest of the day until we have it sorted out.

Just saying...

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

During the last 7 games:

Shean Donovan -- 0 points -3

Mike Fisher -- 0 points - 8

Chris Kelly -- 1 assist -6

Dean McAmmond -- 2 assists -2

Randy Robitaille -- 1 assist -5

Antoine Vermette -- 2 points -5

A must-read

Monday, December 03, 2007

I apologize for getting to this late, but if you haven't seen this piece from Heather Mallick of CBC News, you need to read it. I understand that it pertains to a highly controversial topic and there is a definite viewpoint being expressed in the column. However, there is a bigger issue at stake and it will become blatantly evident if you keep an open mind.

If you wish to read the column on its original page and the comments that follow, click here.


***

I hate picking on women. We're born at a disadvantage and in our wild flailing to stay afloat, we make such easy targets. But really, do the wives and girlfriends of the Ottawa Senators have to dress up in matching pink team sweaters and call their ad hoc union "The Better Halves?"

It's bad enough that these women have hooked up with bruised artist-athletes with careers of inevitably brief span, sold by hockey corporations as if they were cans of Spam, shipped around the continent without notice, thus dooming their wives' careers from the start. But must The Better Halves bully young pregnant women during their own brush with greatness? I'd like to ask the nice ladies about this, but these shy creatures are as hard to track down as the tiny, near-extinct, muntjac deer.
The Better Half way

The Better Halves are giving a third of the proceeds of this year's $50,000 Christmas Tree raffle to First Place Pregnancy Centre, an Ottawa anti-abortion group run by Pentecostal Christians.

Planned Parenthood Ottawa is upset, in its customary polite way, and sent out a press release protesting charity money going to a group that is not what people might think it is.

Here's the context: There are thousands of these centres across North America. They're known in the business as CPCs, as they usually have names resembling Crisis Pregnancy Centre. They have cute websites designed to appeal to teenage girls, lots of advice about boys — giggle — and sites on MySpace. They take great care to look like kindly counselling centres. In fact, they exist solely to prevent abortion.

Planned Parenthood told me it frequently talks to women who went to these apparently welcoming places for counselling on the three options — abortion, adoption and parenting. The group says women report feeling badly treated.
Charity's rewards

The problem is worse than just some hockey fans inadvertently donating to a cause they may oppose — that is a personal issue between a fan and her team (in my case, the Canadiens). What irks is that our tax dollars are involved.

The raffle money is channelled through the Sens Foundation, the team's registered charity arm, which is matching every dollar raised by The Better Halves.

Not only does the foundation, which normally does good — make that wonderful — things appear to be breaking Revenue Canada's rules for charities, it is breaking its own rules.

Both the taxman and the foundation agree that donations can only support registered charities. They can't support "political or lobby" or "advocacy or special interest groups." And they shouldn't.

As a pro-choice woman, I write and speak about abortion rights and donate money. But I don't get a tax break and would ridicule the suggestion. Half the joy of activism is its utter lack of reward. The other half is the cold rain leaking down your spine and into your cold, sodden jeans at a demonstration on a wet Wednesday on the Legislature's muddy lawn. There's no life like it.
First Place link lesson

I had an initially cheerful phone interview with Sens Foundation president Dave Ready, who said the Better Halves, when asked to choose three charities, chose:

* First Place.
* Kids Help Phone.
* Harmony House (a women's shelter).

First Place was "in line with our mandate," he said. "We did due diligence and checked that it's a charity."

"You went to the website?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Did you check on the links?"

"No."

We went through the First Place site links together. There's a standard disclaimer but First Place hopes we'll find them "helpful." I told Ready that some of the news headlines appeared to be libellous, particularly the ones linking corporations that make birth control drugs to the Jewish Holocaust and one drug itself to Nazi death camps. Others were grotesque: "One baby in 30 left alive after medical abortion" turns out to be an absurd, unsubstantiated anonymous "news story" in a British entertainment magazine.

You're also guided to a donation page for the American Life League, a hardline group based outside Washington. There's a shop, admittedly very funny, that sells "Abortion is mean" T-shirts for two-year-olds.

They offer booklets explaining that abortion is wrong even in the case of incest. They tell members to scare away raped children outside abortion clinics. They call RU-486 "the anti-human pesticide." They offer sample letters to the editor to send to outlets that employ, I imagine, columnists like me. One begins: "Planned Parenthood is not 'a good guy.'"

Ready gets more and more quiet as we track this. Soon he is desperate to get off the phone. He will not let me talk to a Better Half, who might well explain that she hadn't known that First Place is financed by the Bethel Pentecostal Church in Ottawa and its mission — declared on the Bethel website but nowhere on the First Place site — is not just anti-abortion but anti-birth control.
Who says what

Revenue Canada tells me that First Place is not a registered charity.

Terri Mazik, executive director of First Place, sent out a press release attacking "our colleagues at Planned Parenthood" for their press release. She says First Place makes its position clear by saying it doesn't do "abortion referrals," ignoring the fact that no one does. Referrals aren't necessary; all anyone needs is to be guided to a phone book.

Her website and her press release are full of fact-concealing cotton puffery. But why conceal them? This is Canada. Say what you want, but on your own dime.

I don't know how the Sens Foundation got itself into this mess, which will surely lead to some hard questions from Revenue Canada.

CBC TV is about to show a new soap/drama series similar to Britain's notorious Footballers' Wives, called MVP. It's about the women known as — sorry — "puck bunnies."

Were the Better Halves abortion hardliners or innocent bunnies when they offered their money to this weird organization? Does the Sens Foundation's "due diligence" include Google searches?

This whole matter is a soap opera, and I expect the Foundation and Revenue Canada to call a halt. But, unlike in a soap opera, everyone came out of this with real damage: the Better Halves, the Sens Foundation and its wonderful Roger's House for dying children, the unaware raffle ticket buyers, Kids Help Phone, Harmony House and most of all, the confused, friendless young women who may want to consider the option of abortion but are going to be lied to and maybe bullied out of it.

You may have noticed the glossed-over blogger segment on Hockey Night In Canada, prior to the Leafs-Pens game. Not much new under the sun there, although it should be ironically noted that Elliotte Friedman took part in the piece. Friedman is a moderator on the Sportsjournalists.com message boards -- a gathering place for mainstream sports media that's well-known for viciously denouncing bloggers.

***

Keep in mind that the Sens have another PPV coming up this Friday (from Dallas). What adventures will this broadcast bring? God only knows, given the history thus far. Just remember what Jim Steel (the team's VP of broadcasting services) said during the last snafu:

"I'm committed to doing HD (for pay-per-view broadcasts this season,)" he said. "I wish I hadn't (agreed, given what happened.)"

That's the kind of sentiment you want to see expressed, right? We pity your regret over attempting to give your customers what they want, Mr. Steel. Your fans regret that the team implemented pay-per-view in the first place.

Butterknife Row on meth and espresso

Friday, November 30, 2007



Apparently objectivity is subjective on some press rows. By the way, you just know Gord Wilson has broken out that dance in the SBP booth once or twice (bonus points for the tissue dab on the television screen).

[Thanks to The Beautiful Game for the clip.]

Requiring time, love and tenderness

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Okay, so I know you're waiting for a post. The problem is I'm forced to divide material between here and the column, largely due to the Sens giving me little to write about. That's right kids -- your NHL team of choice has gone from potential contender to ploddingly boring and craptastic. To put it bluntly, the Sens are the Michael Bolton of the league. (There's a retro-Alfie cullet* comparison in there somewhere, but I don't have time to break it down for you at present.)

One more thing -- do you think Jim Rome can discuss the late Sean Taylor without dropping Metallica lyrics? "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle"? That's from Frantic -- and I only know that because I saw Some Kind Of Monster. I don't own the St. Anger album, I swear. Anyway, not to be an a-hole about the topic, but Rome's broken out that line so many times lately, I was beginning to wonder if he was going to start with the "Fran-tic-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tock" bit.

More later.

________________

*Cullet = Curly mullet. Wake up, Mensas.

The ominous word

Saturday, November 24, 2007

...is coming. Soon.

Hiatus

Thursday, October 11, 2007

TUC is on hiatus until further notice. I know a lot of you have inquiries, and frankly I cannot keep up with your e-mails. I'm kindly asking all of you to be patient and calm down -- I don't know when I'll be back yet.

Thank you for your patience.

Leftovers

Thursday, October 04, 2007

This episode of Leftovers is coming to you live from the Scott Norwood Section of Butterknife Row...yes, it's that time again. Check out tonight's quote of the night at the bottom of the post.

We were intrigued by the reaction of media outside of the nation’s capital yesterday, after Dany Heatley’s 6-year, 45 million dollar (all terms US) was announced. Inevitably, when the signing of one occurs, the questions surrounding another begin – in this case the player being referenced was Wade Redden. What? I think local media thankfully possesses enough scruples not to make the same inquiry. Reason being? The general aura around Wade Redden has changed in Ottawa. Fans were left nonplussed after his subpar season last year, particularly after his pockets were lined with 6.5 million dollars’ worth of money from the franchise. Combine that with the uncomfortable events of this summer regarding No. 6’s status with the team, and you can certain that fans had not only understood that Redden’s days were numbered with the team, but were in preference with that general mode of thinking. Furthermore, why was Heatley’s contract considered to be the catalyst for these observations? Couldn’t they see the writing on the wall after the signing of Mike Fisher?

Re: Wednesday’s game vs. Toronto – apparently, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Sens can’t capitalize on a 5-on-3, Chris Kelly can’t bury a breakaway if his life depended on it, and the ACC’s organist likes to break out Toto’s Hold The Line when it’s appropriate…wait…what? While we weren’t impressed on the whole (and apparently neither was Alvin), the Manatee definitely deserves some acknowledgment, because there’s been an obvious shift in his play. His movements are far crisper, his positioning has improved greatly (he’s no longer cowering in the back of the net), and his glove has been working overtime with great results. Long live the Seacow’s renaissance.

Finally, you may have heard some players grumbling over the new sweaters and their inability to allow their equipment to dry properly. While the new jerseys are undoubtedly here to stay, we were rather perplexed by Eric Duhatschek’s take on the issue last week. The Globe And Mail writer wondered aloud if the new sweaters would go the way of the NBA’s synthetic ball from last season. The difference is that the new sweaters included new designs (and in some cases, new logos) for all 30 teams – in short, it amounted to a massive marketing campaign for the NHL. The jerseys weren’t simply relevant to the players; they had to work for the fans as well. It isn’t as if the NBA began selling basketballs in the shape of a trapezoid by the boatload to their fans – their alteration was far more subtle, and never involved the consumer of their product.

Quote Of The Night (overheard on Butterknife Row): "This game's like a banana...it starts high, then goes down low." What the (expletive) does that mean? By the way, take this down for future reference: TUC is one head taller than Leafs' GM John Ferguson Jr., and nearly two heads taller than CBC play-by-play man Bob Cole...who might be a fan of the Mystic Tan. Just saying.

And just for the hell of it, here's your Toto refresher for the evening (which means we get to have a Toto tag...whee!):

Yes.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

From TSN.ca:

Sources tell TSN Dany Heatley has agreed to a 6-year contract extension with the Ottawa Senators believed to average between $7.5 and $8 million per year.

Although details of the structure remain confidential, sources say it's similar to the contract Daniel Briere signed in Philadelphia in terms of a heavily weighted salary at the front of the contract that ratchets downward, making the cap hit the team will absorb more attractive.

The on again - off again negotiation resumed this afternoon with the Senators tabling an offer that the two sides used as the base to avoid tonight's season opening deadline.


UPDATE (the full breakdown -- now official):



Dany Heatley has agreed to a six-year contract extension with the Ottawa Senators, averaging $7.5 million per year with a no movement clause.

The contract will pay Heatley $5 million in signing bonus money next July 1 and $5 million in salary for $10 million in total next season, $4 million in signing bonus money on July 1, 2009 and $4 million in salary for $8 million total in Year 2, $8 million in Year 3, $8 million in the fourth year, $6 million in Year 5 and $5 million in Year 6.

The $9 million in signing bonus payable on consecutive July 1's means $14 million is payable within one year of the deal on a July 1 to July 1 basis.


''We were able to work on a structure throughout the day and were able to find a structure that works for both,'' said Heatley's agent J.P Barry.


''Dany is very excited. He's had nothing but success in Ottawa and he's thrilled to be on board long term with one of the best teams in hockey,'' Barry added.

Monday morning deglaze

Monday, October 01, 2007

Two events I'm relieved are over: The Sens' pre-season and The Presidents Cup (a.k.a. Canadian golf Jesus v. American golf Jesus...at least on Sunday). One should not be listening to putter talk from Montreal in the afternoon on Team 1200, only to come home at night and watch Sens games on Rogers 22. Blech.

The pre-season is incapable of holding my interest for extended periods, but this Manatee storyline has the potential to get interesting with Ray Emery not ready for game play just yet. Contrary to popular belief, there are many persons of interest pulling for Gerber to succeed, and it has little to do with earning his keep. Emery may be considered the better goaltender in the city, but the issues he creates -- both publicly and privately -- do not strike the correct cohesive balance for this team (and we have provided the controversial reasons why in the past, albeit in an extremely roundabout manner).

Meanwhile, you have to think the one guy who might be getting anxious about the Dany Heatley negotiations (or lack thereof) is Daniel Alfredsson. Alfie committed to Ottawa for a lengthy period with a contract that now looks like a relatively frugal investment. He'll be making $5.451 million this season, and provides a salary cap hit of only $4.339 (according to NHLnumbers.com). His option years begin in 09/10, and the team's makeup could look drastically different by then -- particularly if the worst occurs and the team loses both Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley.

Speaking of future team makeup, the shortsightedness of some local media never ceases to amaze me. According to one talking head, Ottawa, over the course of the season, will gear up to trade Andrej Meszaros and Joe Corvo for forward building blocks while letting Wade Redden walk at the end of the season. How many quality offensive defensemen do they think the Sens will be hoarding in Binghamton? Are they going to clone Brian Lee? (Oh Jesus, I can't believe I said that.)


And finally, you know the normally placid LoCal fans in San Diego must be getting restless if they start chanting "Marty" in the fourth quarter. With the Bolts currently sitting at 1-3 (last in the division!), The Driver is in disbelief and has ceased wearing his Chargers hat out in public (he's gearing up to pull a hamstring, jumping off the bandwagon that fast). I know people are calling for Norv's head*, but the head coach midseason firing is something of a rarity in the NFL. Regardless, it's going to get oogly...can't wait. (I can say this now, before Denver goes 2-3 next week after the D inevitably throws up all over itself once more. O John Lynch, where art thou? Oh, and guess who they're playing in Week 5? LT can chew it.)

More later.

________________

* About Norv's head: Back in the day when he was coaching Washington, if you called Rome and referred to Turner as a "pineapple", Jim would hang up on you (funny as it was). Not to be insensitive, but I think it's less about the face, and more about the neck -- it almost looks like an octogenerian's knee-high stocking when it gets bunched around their ankle.