The Universal Cynic

Ah, "Dress Up Jake." The madness, the mayhem, the use of R-rated accessories.

Dress Up Jake came to me one night as I was sitting in my office, staring in total contempt at my Jake Plummer inaction figure after another brutal Denver loss. Plummer, the No. 1 QB of the Broncos at the time, could best be described as a mercurial, inconsistent fusspot. Basically the kid got on my nerves more than Brian Lee and Wade Redden combined.

(Ed. Note: I know that's a lot of hatred, but this is football we're talking about.)

I needed a way to convey my feelings on Plummer and the games in a quick-fire manner, but I also didn't want to a) pretend I was an NFL expert and b) piss off my hockey readers. I figured the best (and most amusing way) to do this, was to pose the doll in a manner fitting his performance. If he played well, I'd reward the action figure with pork tenderloin and porn. If he played poorly, I'd make him drink cosmopolitans with Daniel Alfredsson (see above).

I never would have guessed that DUJ would take off the way it did. Deadspin linked to every week I featured it, and Stefan Fatsis (a noted Bronco honk) of the New York Times also picked it up, and included it in a piece for Slate.

Looking back on it, I probably wouldn't have been so ribald, but the readers were eating it up, so I felt I had no reason to take my foot off the gas. It was all meant in fun, regardless.

For the entire DUJ archive, click here.