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I always know my blood pressure is destined for new heights when The Driver text-messages me with the following ominous request:

"Turn on Team 1200 NOW."

I received this message most recently on Sunday night, just after 9 pm. I was perplexed, because I didn't think any local programming aired at that time. Naturally I assumed something outrageous was taking place on Fox Sports Radio.

But I was wrong. It was local. And I wasn't prepared for the brutality that my ears would soon be subjected to.

The show is called FourPlay. It's a quartet (naturally) of women -- aged 36 to 44 -- talking about sex and relationships for two seizure-inducing hours. Here's the show's description from the Team 1200's website:

Host: Roxy, Ginger, Charlie and NJ

Get Ready Ottawa….for your Sunday night oral stimulation! FourPlay on The Team 1200 is launching Sunday July 8th from 9-11pm.

Meet Roxy, Ginger, Charlie and NJ… Think, “Sex in the City” meets “The View”. We have exciting stories and topics that will curl your toes and raise (more) than a few eyebrows! FourPlay is not suitable for all ages, puts your kids to bed and tune in to the show on the Team 1200 AM!!!

Ooh, naughty...triple exclamation point. (Actually, I was referring to the grammar. Sheesh.)

First of all, I'll tell you that I saw this after I listened to the show, and had correctly guessed half of the description. I personally pegged it as The View crossed with National Public Radio.

Here's an example: The topic of the night was fantasies. One of them piped up that she had a fantasy to share. The other three apparently are all ears. What was the secret wish?

To not have her basement flood every spring.

Ten to one says all four own some breed of malicious yapping dog under the 6 lb. mark, and several Christmas sweaters apiece.

(That's hot! And likely itchy!)

I wish I could properly explain this buggered up experiment, but I'm completely baffled. There was no sports talk whatsoever -- just four women talking about sex and relationships. Worse still, none of them claimed to have any professional experience in the field (i.e. sex therapy, relationship therapy or psychology) -- it was just four hens, a bottle of red wine, and a bunch of clips from a March '96 Cosmopolitan. The "kinkiest" discussion involved the mention of handcuffs and a blindfold (how original), and all were confused by a man's confession that he wanted to uh...orally pleasure a woman's stiletto heel. It's called a foot fetish, Mensas. Does no one watch Dr. Sue anymore? (By the way, how killer is that photo of her with her hand in the bag?)

Combine this with the inclusion of a Russian psychic (Miss Babushka) and callers named "Manolo" (a ringer moniker if we've ever heard one), and you can understand why The Driver texted the following:

"Is this what a stroke feels like?"

What was the point of this blatant stupidity? The last time I checked, the station referred to itself as "Sports Radio: The Team 1200". I would have a better comprehension of these events if the participants were 20-something girls with a twinge of sports knowledge, who dabbled in innuendo and pointed out which athletes they found attractive. We've made our stance on such behaviour quite clear, but at least there would be a sliver of a sports tie-in -- we would vehemently rally against it, but we'd get it. There's nothing of the sort in this show.

The Team's morning show has regressed over the years to a three-hour slog of so-called humour and sex cracks that my own 16-year-old nephew deems highly pedestrian. But there must be a definitive market for it, otherwise how else are we to explain a female-hosted sex program on a sports radio station? You can never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator -- it's a mantra that the Team 1200 seems to be subscribing to on a regular basis these days.